The Bachelorette: Once, Twice, Three Fights for a Lady

DeMario

DeMario is back and apologizing his ass off. The guys in the house are worried and acknowledge that The Mario is a good talker. He seemingly does everything right, apologize, admit fault, and falls on his sword.

Rachel pulls a Sweet Brown and tells her she "Aint Got Time For That." 

Her actual words were worse detailing The Mario's actions at the basketball court being confronted with an ex-girlfriend: “That was a boy. I’m looking for a man.”

We advance to the rose ceremony which had few highlights until Fight No. 1.

• Elmo brought some silly, giant hands.
• Russan Alex talks with Rachel while poorly executing a rubix cube.
• Wrestler Kenny is playing the kid card.

Then we get the Sex Pistol v. Whaaaboooom! Fight

Whaboom tells Rachel that Sex Pistol stood over his bed eating a banana as he slept. Pretty odd accusation but Sex Pistol does seem a little unhinged. But Sex Pistol provides the ultimate Bachelor defense: 

Who gets a rose?

Nip Tuck

Firefighter Bryce

Eric

Anthony

Will Smith (Welcome to Miami)

Elmo

JackStone

Happy Feet Matt 

Russian Alex

Adummy

Wrestler Kenny who provided a great response to the rose offer: “How Kenny say no” BOOM.

Zoolander (Male Model)

Robert E. Lee

IggyNotDiggy

Bad Kid Fred

TeachMeHowtToDiggy

Goodbye Bizarro Juan Pablo, Whaaabooom and Sex Pistol

Fight No. 1: Sex Pistol v. Whaaabooom

Sex Pistol opens the fight: “You’re a wannabe comedian”

Quixotically, Whaaboom responds: “It’s not about winning. It’s about the world man.” Well, that's settled. One of them said “Get back to your garbage clown life” but it could really fit either guy. The saddest part for me was that Sex Pistol had a better WHABOOM! than Mr. Whaboom in a mocking scene. 

The Ellen Group Date with Nip Tuck, Elmo, Peter Badger, Russian Alex, Will Smith and Bad Kid Fred

The reverse sexism is in full effect this episode and the men have to strip off their clothes and dance for Ellen's female audience. Russian Alex enjoyed himself a little too much. After they got naked and played never have I ever, I wondered if the Hildbold Brothers are now show runners for the Bacelor/ette,

The most revealing part of the date was Bad Kid Fred admitting that he was sick of the references to his Fred/Rachel camp counselor days from decades past. Bad Kid Fred is determined to kiss his crush and has a plan. He's going to ask her. 

Bad Kid Fred: "Is this the time I can kiss you”

Rachel: “NOW I FEEL AWKWARD”

The kiss happens.

Fred's Feelings

Rachel's Feelings

Bad Kid Fred gets the boot and Russian Alex gets the rose.

Urban Cowboy with Anthony 

Rachel and Anthony go shopping (on horses for some reason) in Beverly Hills and work to put Ivanka’s Miami sweatpants shopping to shame. They get western outfits, cupcakes out of a vending machine, and the horse make a mess out of a store.

Rachel: “This is the lifestyle. I could get use to this.”

WHAT? YOU COULD GET USED TO RIDING HORSES ON RODEO DRIVE? 

Anthony talks family at dinner and secures the rose.

Fight No. 2: Mud Wrestling Group Date with Zoolander, 90210 Dean, Adummy, Wrestler Kenny, Firefighter Bryce, Robert E. Lee, Jack Stone and Eric

First off, Rachel brings back some girls from last season: Raven, Ivanka, Warrior Jasmine, Dolphin. The girls pull up to a bar where the guys are told to take off their clothes and mud wrestle. Jack Stone says what everyone is thinking: "This is pretty much (Wrestler) Kenny’s thing.”

Winners Bold and Underlined

Round 1

Zoolander v. Firefghter Bryce

90210 Dean v. Eric

Kenny v. Jack Stone

Robert E. Lee v. Adummy

Round 2 

Kenny v. Robert E. Lee.

Firefighter Bryce v. Kenny

Championship

Bryce v. Kenny

In an upset, Bryce knocked off the wrestler. However, some expectations were met.  Zoolander’s hair remained perfect. 

Fight No. 3 is at the Rose Ceremony with Eric taking on IggyNotDiggy and Robert E. Lee. Luckily for you, Wags will have the breakdown next week.

The Bacherlorette: The Doublemint Episodes Are Over? Or Not.

We have eliminated Britt but the Bachelorette hasn’t officially become the Kaitlyn show just yet. We still have the Brady situation to deal with. Britt’s emotional call to mom was immediately followed by Brady’s visit. It’s incredibly fortunate that a camera crew was there to capture the moment. And the rest of the episode showed brief glimpses of the budding Brady/Britt romance. It’s odd that by failing to become the Bachelorette, Britt has a much better chance of a normal relationship. Sadly, it’s with a former baseball player turned singer. Which coincidentally significantly lowers your chance for a normal relationship.

Anyways, back to Kaitlyn’s search for true love.

Bachelorette Boxing

• Fashion Designer Daniel
• Justin
• Chris Quinn Jared
• One of the Two Coreys
• Tanner Dog
• King Kupah
• Role Models Ben
• Trainer Ben

Laila Ali impresses the guys and gives them some tips. Here’s the training highlights:

• Trainer Ben is a monster and I fear for anyone stepping into the ring with him.
• Role Models Ben breaks a window jumping rope and shows he has no chance.
• King Kupah spends more time with a rugged trainer than Kaitlyn.
• Kaitlyn’s offered up a QOTN nominee: “I forgot he was even on this date”
• Tanner Dog, while concerned about his face, is also worried his first ever fight is happening on national television. 
• Do you think fights happen less often today? 
• I know they happened more frequently in the 60s and I have evidence.

 Final Thoughts

• After scrappy Chris Quinn Jared tells Trainer Ben not to take it easy on him, Trainer Ben obliges. It was ugly and CQJ went to the hospital.
• CQJ still managed some one on one time and a kiss. Side note – You should not feel special if this Bachelorette kisses you.
• CQJ reads the cue cards: “My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” Gag.
• Trainer Ben deservedly gets the rose.

This took far too long to create.

Underwater Thor

Thor gets the year’s first one-on-one and here’s what we need to know about the date:

• He’s an architectural engineer from Chicago.
• He gave the Chris Harrison Triceratops
• After meeting the photographer, he gets a little handsy. I asked Mrs. Dugan if I saw what I thought I saw.

I did. I did.

• Kaitlyn is a nose holder when jumping into the water.
• Rose Secured

Stand-Up Bachelor Men

• Federal Prisoner JJ
• Detroit Jonathan
• Welder Josh
• Dr. Harris DDS
• Hit n Run Ian
• American Pharaoh
• The Dude

There isn’t much to say about the performances other than comedienne Amy Schumer taking apart JJ.

JJ and The Dude

There’s a story developing throughout the episode pitting the Federal Prisoner JJ against The Dude. We have the over-confident villain and the healing preacher. JJ gives updates why he is better than all the guys. The Dude gives a soliloquy on love. He also calls Kaitlyn “Britt” so this love doctor better learn the girl’s name or he isn’t going to last long. JJ and The Dude reminds me of BJ and the Bear. I don’t know why, but I do know that Photoshop would only ruin this masterpiece.

Date highlights

• The Dude’s stand-up performance was bizarre.
• Federal Prisoner JJ’s review: “I couldn’t even hear him because my own brain is shutting down.”
• Welder drops a QOTN nominee: “I’m a love virgin.” Damn, these guys practiced their lines tonight. He’s obviously HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
• The Dude refuses to be lapped in the cheesy line off: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for us.”
• There are so many quotes coming out of The Dude that I simply can’t/refuse to list them. He’s approaching Hippie Guard and Protect Your Heart territory.
• Confident Federal Prisoner JJ turns into Prescient JJ and gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony Party

Federal Prisoner JJ, Trainer Ben and Thor are safe and the guys agree to give those without a date some time with the Bachelorette. Fed Prisoner JJ grabs her first instead cementing the villain role.

King Kupah is concerned things aren’t moving fast enough and doesn’t want to be a token cast member here for his race. When confronting Kaitlyn, she gently reminds him that he was the only guy that didn’t come up to her during training for the boxing group date. Knocked on his heels, King Kupah never recovers and a meltdown ensues. Before becoming fully engulfed, he delivers my QOTN: “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.”

The King Kupah tire fire continues next week.