The Bachelorette goes High Definition

(I apologize for the length of the post - but the first episode always provides a ton of material)


It feels so good to start a new season – like a hug from an old friend.  And what is more comfortable than ridiculous, opening montages…Ali drives around in an Audi with conspicuously covered Audi insignias.  Apparently, this girl only drives American cars…except of course when she is in an import.  We get a jogging scene where I longingly looked for shots of fellow blog contributors in the background.  No such luck MikeKarWags.  Mrs. Dugan equally enjoyed the montage noticing two beach scenes: 1) required bikini shot and 2) dancing in the waves in the evening dress.  Dancing in the ocean in an evening dress – totally natural.  Oh, and she’s just a regular girl who likes to juggle soccer balls in the park.  ABC, we get it.  You don’t have to sell us on Ali’s everygirl with a great body quality.  We are sold.  We don’t need the Jake Pavelka motorcycle hard sell.

There are so many things I love about the show, but absurd quotes are always a way to keep me coming back for more.  As the getting to know Ali montage ended, she read to us what the producers wrote on a note card: “You have to go through the fire to live happily ever after.”  We need an insider.  Who writes these platitudes for the show?  I want to send them a dozen roses out of appreciation.

Another theme throughout the night was her heartbreak over losing Jake. This has to stop.  No one believes it. Anyone can explain why no one believes this. Just stop. Ali has a concern that plagues all our Bachelor/Bachelorettes: men might not be here for the right reason.  But she has a plan - to ask the guys to be open and honest.  Foolproof!

Random observation. Chris Harrison lost weight. Mrs. Dugan wondered if he got a divorce after Roz’s attempted outing.

Let’s get to the most important part of the opening night – we'll meet the men in roughly the order they were presented to us.

Frank is from wherever his parents live, wears the men’s version of Palin glasses, left a murders and executions firm in Chicago, is an aspiring screenwriter who lives with his parents but told Ali he moved to Paris to write.  Frank complains that girls are hard to find but that should be understood if you live with your parents.  He jumps out of the top of the limo but does not pull it off Pretty Woman Style. 

Jay is from Barrington, Rhode Island is 29 and a personal injury attorney.  He set up a great mock courtroom scene and looks like an ugly Andrew McCarthy.  I also think he is one of the oldest looking 29 year olds on the planet. 

Craig M. from Canada, likes the single life and Bradley Cooper in the Hangover.  He’s in dental sales and fights with local weathermen.

Kyle is 26 from Colorado and a Mountain man.  Mrs. D and I like that his job had the following description: “outdoorsman.”  He explains all the animals he likes to kill as they show him ice fishing and he complains that he cannot find a woman.  TRUE STORY!  This guy was fishing on a sheet of ice with worms for bait complaining that he cannot find a woman.  Are we sure this is not a scripted comedy?  Insiders needed once again.  How did this self-described Mountain Man find his way on to reality television? 

Justin, aka “Rated R” starts with an even faker (is that a word?) than normal, fake wrestling scene.  Don’t tell wrestlers it’s fake, though.  It’s “entertainment” wrestling.  Just like secretaries are “administrative assistants.”  The heel has a great hook – a broken ankle and crutches are sure to secure a rose on the first night.  On a side note, he expected a little more backup from fellow Canadian Brad Cooper but was let down.

Phillip is a Chicago investment manager that decided to slow things down and concentrate on family.  I want to give Phillip some advice in his quest to find women.  Go by Phil.  You just lost 10 pts of your douche scale.  Congrats.  

Jonathon is a Weatherman from Houston.  He thinks he is funny and also wasn’t sure if his jacket would fit around Ali’s shoulders.  Here’s a tip for Jonathon.  Don’t tell women you think they are bigger than you on the first date.

Ty is in medical sales, lives in Franklin, TN and does not play the guitar as well as his neighbor Jack White.  He’s the recently divorced guy on the show.  How recent?  2 months.  Divorces can take a long time.  When did he apply for the show? Did he apply for the Bachelorette as a married man?  I hope so.  God, I hope so.

Chris is a landscaper (Bachelor first!), taught school in NYC public school (and survived!) and returned home to Cape Cod, MA to take care of his sick mother who recently passed away.  You hear that within 45 seconds of meeting Chris and only one thing pops into your head.

Chris and his sad story and black labs are moving on to the second show and was, incidentally, Mrs. Dugan’s initial pick to win Ali’s heart.  A bonus, he thinks Ali is “wicked awesome.”

Now we end the long intros and you have to worry about the guys that we meet next. 

Except for Roberto who is an Insurance Agent from Charleston, SC. Roberto and Ali have instant chemistry.  This one is going to be something to watch as the producers obviously wanted to make Roberto out as the favorite on night one. 

Tyler V is from Chelsea,Vermont, does online advertising and Dugan’s initial thoughts are that he has no chance to advance.

Derrick 27 is a construction engineer from San Diego.  The cameras show him looking in the mirror and say “you’re amazing” but I have a feeling he spelled it in his head “your.”  Derrick lets the audience in on his little secret why he’s called Shooter because of his E.D. problem in college.  Good to see E.D. back on the Bachelorette.

Steve is a Sales Rep from Cleveland.  I think its Liz Lemon’s bf who moved back to Cleveland – Floyd.  Ali is already pretty hot.  Remember when Liz Lemon went to Cleveland and they thought she was a model?  Ali has to weigh things like this.  I think Floyd sticks around because Ali could automatically become one of the hottest women in a fairly large US city.  But she would have to live in Cleveland.  Does the City start a campaign for Floyd ala Lebron?  Let’s wait and see.

 John C, is 32 and in hotel business development and from Washington.  Mrs. D worries that he may be shorter than Ali but I have a feeling he smells like money.  That usually helps.

Kirk is Sales Consultant from Green Bay, WI.  He gave Ali a paper rose and then admitted to all the men that he made Ali a scrapbook. Kirk is one of the bravest men in the United States. 

Intros are over and the men are coming out of limos.  Ali exclaims, “I hope they like me.”  Mrs. D throws up in her mouth.

We meet Chris H, a real estate developer from Vancouver, Canada for the first time.  Jesse, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri promises to be a “peculiar man” and that this is his first suit.  He’s 24. That could be bad sign. Chris N. is from Orlando and is an entrepreneur (ie, no job). Mrs. Dugan thought it said “entertainer” and we both hoped he would be an entertainer from Orlando which leaves three options: 1) Theme Park Character, 2) Piano Bar player or 3) Orlando Magic cheerleader. Dugan’s thoughts – No chance this guy gets a rose.

Kasey is an advertising account executive from California. He promises to protect her heart in a cheesy speech.  He talks very odd.  You know that friend that we all have, who is a close friend, that you cannot hear at all on the phone?  And it frustrates you, has for years, but it’s been too long for you to say anything now.  Welcome Kasey.

Roberto speaks in Spanish and Ali thinks he’s Sexy.  Jon, in software sales, has not a chance in hell. Craig R. is a lawyer and looks like Droopy Dog (credit mikeysmalz)and I am not concerned where he’s from because he is already trying to warn Ali about guys not being there for the right reasons.  It’s way too early for that and this Droopy Dog has to go.  The yellow, baby shoe key chain he gave her sealed his fate in my eyes. 

Tyler M is a catering manager from Texas and thinks Ali wore cowboy boots on her first date – oops.  Hunter is from San Antonio, an Internet Account Executive, and Dugan bets that Hunter agrees with the new Arizona Immigration law.  Hunter was none too pleased when Roberto got the first impression rose after his “hot sauce” dance.

Derek is a sales manager from Michigan and threw leaves in her hair.  And these guys wonder why they are still single?  I like Derek because he represents the second cast member of 30 Rock on tonight’s show: Kenneth.

 Jason is a construction consultant from Denver, does a backflip out of the limo, thinks Racist Hunter is a nerd and doesn’t like Rated R.

After Roberto took the early lead with the first impression rose, the men voted Justin as being the guy there for the wrong reasons.  Rated R must have toned it down to PG-13 with some one-on-one time with Ali because she saved him.  2 roses given out, 15 more roses and 8 disappointed dudes.

And the first rose ceremony stream of consciousness game goes like this:

3. Jesse - Peculiar Man with his first suit.

4. Ty – TN Divorcee.

5. Droopy Dog- Lawyer with stupid key chain.

6. Tyler B - who?

7. Frank - Palin glasses advanced - wealth of material for the blog.

8. Steve – Floyd from Cleveland.

9. Chris L - old landscaper.

10. Kirk - scrap booking fool.

11. John C. - he looks rich enough to keep around

12. Chris N. - holy shit, surprise of the night - Orlando entrepreneur - entertainer

13. Chris H. - who? Real estate developer Canada

14. Racist Hunter

Pan camera for puppy dog shot of outdoorsman. Nice.

15. Craig M - guys got good hair - what can you say?

16. Jonathon - weather douche.

ENTER CHRIS HARRISON, “Ali, gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight”

17. Casey - friend who you can’t understand on phone

And the cut list looks like this:

Shooter - regrets that entirely

Lawyer – Luckily the Tank is about to wrap pre-production on Weekend at Bernie’s 3, so there could be a part for Andrew McCarthy

Outdoorsman - I would hate to be a wild animal in Colorado when he gets back.

Backflipper – sip, sippin on some haterade

Tyler V - online advertising guy

Phillip – Go by “Phil” next time

John N. - please look at head shot from Bios and tell me this guy is on right show.

Derek - Kenneth

Lil' Dugan decided to stop being quiet so we did not get to watch the upcoming scenes for the season.  They looked great.  Can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts on the first night.