The Bachelor Episode 9: Fantasy SWEET!

Welcome back WWTB family.  I just finished up my ice cream (Mexican chocolate for those keeping score at home), and I am now ready for the most romantic night of the season.  And by romantic, I mean really awkward and weird.  And by really awkward and weird, I mean Chris is a doofus.  At this point in the show, it seems that there is only one final result that makes sense:

1) Nurse Whitney - winner

2) Hugs Becca - next Bachelorette

3) Kaitlyn Rickles - Bachelor in Paradise contestant

On the other hand, Chris is just a pawn of Harrison/Lane/Fleiss & Co., so he'll just do whatever they want.  

Joke explanation: it's Chris's head on a pawn

(Interesting side note: the picture I found of Chris's face actually appears to have two giant pawns in the background.  Or maybe they're just vases...that look like pawns). 

Off to Bali

Fleiss and Co. broke the budget and took the show to Indonesia.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's all the money they saved by going to Santa Fe is really paying off.  Chris said that Bali is very different from Iowa.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Kaitlyn Rickles's Date

Rickles got the first date of the love journey.  They went into a temple.  The temple doesn't allow kissing and has lots of ladies walking around with baskets on their heads.  It's not what I expected.

More like what I expected

After they left the "temple,"Chris and Rickles walked around the neighborhood. I always enjoy the Bachelor trope of visiting various tourist spots in a foreign country, encountering "locals," and commenting on how nice they are.  

A monkey then jumped on Chris's back.  I wasn't surprised because the monkey probably thought Chris was a fellow primate when it heard Chris laugh.  

At the dinner portion of the date, Rickles apologized for how she's been holding back her emotions.  I'm angry that she's been holding back an explanation for those matching bird tattoos on the back of her arms.  

When the fantasy suite invite arrived, Rickles quickly said, "I can't imagine...saying no to that."  Ready to rock and roll, apparently.  

While in the fantasy suite, Rickles said she's falling in love.  Chris shocked Bachelor historians everywhere when he said, "I am falling in love too."  This seems to be a rule violation.  I will be very interested to see if Chris says he loves all three women.  

Nurse Whitney's Date

The Nurse showed off her hops with a jumping hug.  That's nearly as important as saying you're falling in love.  

The date started with a private yacht ride in the Indian Ocean on a boat provided by the Plataran Hotel chain.  I tried to book a hotel room for TONIGHT at the hotel in Canngu.  Here's the result I got:  http://reservations.directwithhotels.com/dne.html  Soooooo, does this show even exist?  Is there a Neil Lane?  Are we all actually dead?

Nurse Whitney started apologizing for her overprotective, honest sister.  Chris told her not to sweat it.  Mrs. Wags said, "please make her stop talking."  (So we've reached this point in the season!)

During the dinner portion of the date, I became worried about my prediction of Nurse Whitney as the winner.  Chris looks like he's heard just about enough of her voice also.  

Chris informed Whitney that Chicago is 3.5 hours away from Arlington.  Mrs. Wags, apparently confused, asked if that's 3.5 hours "by airplane?"  

Nurse Whitney said she was willing to quit her job, move to Arlington, and have lots of babies.  You may be shocked to hear that she showed very little hesitation to go to the fantasy suite.  

Hugs Becca's Date

Get ready for the virgin show.  Chris started off the date by expressing his concern that Hugs has never been in love.  Uh oh.  Big surprises are in store for Chris in a few short minutes.  

Chris and Hugs went to a village and a temple.   Good news for me!  I already made a picture for a moment like this!

Temple of Deja Doom

The elders at the temple advised Chris and Hugs to "make love" on their date.  The religious leaders of Bali have a slightly different message than any priest I met during my K thru JD Catholic education.

During the evening portion of the date, Hugs advised the viewers that she is a virgin.  I'm feeling lost about what the theme of this segment has been.  

Do you think Hugs Becca is really a virgin?

Yes

No

Poll Maker

Chris told Hugs that he's falling in love with her.  (I missed if he told Nurse Whitney that he loves her.  Her voice must have pierced my eardrums).

The fantasy suite date card arrived.  Instead of admitting that she's a virgin, she said she'd like to spend some alone time in the fantasy suite.  Once in the fantasy suite, Hugs revealed her secret.  Chris nearly had a seizure, but then recovered to say that love is what matters.  Hugs was thrilled.  Maybe she won't be Hugs Becca by the end of the night. 

Wink!

The next morning, Chris and Hugs both looked broken up about how the night went.  Chris said it had to do with the possibility of regret and the fear of struggling to find love.  The Faux Hawk Farmer is getting deep on us.  

Harrison, our emotional and spiritual guide, counseled Chris.  Harrison pointed out that it's amazing that Chris could see himself spending his life with all three women.  The Bachelor: making women feel so special since 2002.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony was set up at the temple.  Harrison, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, reminded Chris, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, that he may not kiss any of the women, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, in the temple.  They look like they are more than 3.5 flight or car hours from Arlington.  

Before the ceremony began, Chris pulled Hugs aside.  Before Chris could say anything, Hugs went into full speech mode and professed her love.  Based on Chris's speaking skills, the sentiments were much more clearly stated.  Once Chris did speak, he noted that this show is about finding "true love." I heard Fleiss and Co. in the background softly whisper, "...and ratings."

Much to Nurse's and Rickles's dismay, Chris brought Hugs back to the rose ceremony.  

After Chris collected his thoughts, he gave roses to Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca.  

Kaitlyn Rickles exited without a rose, without hugging the other ladies, and without explanation.  When pressed, Chris said he "doesn't know what happened."  Typical, confused Soules.  He then went on to say, "there's no right decision."  Thatta boy!  Way to make your future fiance feel special. 

Enough tears for one night.  I've cried enough.  Next week, the women tell all.  

The Bachelor Episode 4: Faux Hawk Farmer

Great news for me!  Ice cream is back in the house (cookies and cream to be exact) and the whiskey is on the rocks (one rock to be exact).  Before I begin, I'd like to pass along well wishes to our East Coast fans suffering through Stormageddon 2015.  I hope you're all hunkered down and ready for some farm aid from Chris.  Look on the bright side of things: you all have the seasons!  I have one weather prediction for tonight: a Farmageddon (see what I did there?).

And now for the crappiest recap of the most romantic show on television...

This week's episode started with Harrison updating the ladies and the viewing audience that Chris "still believes his wife is in this room."  Phew.  I was starting to get worried that this process was all for nothing.

Group Date #1: Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Crazy Ashley, Maculate Virgin Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Samantha, Ferngully Mackenzie, and Widowmaker Kelsie

This date card said "Let's do what feels natural."  I feel like I can't make the joke I want to right here.

The date started off with the Maculate Virgin (in a skimpy cutoff shirt by the way) saying that guys look so sexy when they drive a car.  I totally get that.  Mrs. Wags loves it when I top out at 55 in the Prius.

Try to catch me driving' 30

Budget cut alert: the group date is at a...wait for it....a lake!  This was great news for Ferngully though.  Her favorite place is "a lake."

The Maculate Virgin dropped her top and jumped off a pier into the lake.  How very sweet, innocent, and adorable.  Rickles would not be outdone and jumped into the lake with no bottoms.  These ladies really have a grasp on what makes good wife-material.

Sidenote: I just paused the show to write that last blurb and caught this in still frame.

Caption contest!

Back at the house, Chris's three sisters showed up to choose which one of the ladies would get to go on the one-on-one date.  One of his sisters lives in Ireland.  79% of the women did not know where Ireland is.

It's in Eastern Europe.  Duh.

Back on the date, the Widowmaker was upset that the lake was not good enough compared to the lakes she's used to.  In the wise words of T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili, don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

The date continued with camping...in bikinis.  I only camp in beach houses, but bikini-camping seems contrary to the idea of camping.

Back at the house, the ladies were just steaming artichokes and hanging out in bikinis.  Reality TV, am I right?

On the group date, other ladies accused Widowmaker of being a fraud and not that into Chris.  Poetically, the Maculate Virgin called her a "fake."  Said the 26 year old, skinny dipping, cutoff shirt wearing, party girl.

The ladies were drinking lots of whiskey on the date.  Never did I think I would have so much in common with the women of the Bachelor.

After very little deliberation, Rickles got the date rose.  Her response: "This is awesome.  And I'm drunk."



After Rickles got the rose, the Maculate Virgin joined Chris in his tent to let him know she's never even had a boyfriend.

Sisters' Pick Solo Date: Jade

Here's a little blog secret I'm going to share.  I do no research on this show.  I don't read blogs.  I don't spend any time learning about people on the show.  I pretty much only talk to Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, and Mrs. Wags about it.  That being said, I have become aware that Jade has a prior career that might involve some nudity.  Soooooooo, NICE WORK CHRIS'S SISTERS.  You all picked the adult model to go out with your farmer brother.

Some unnecessarily wacky stylists came over to dress Jade as a princess for her Cinderella.  Though all the ladies seemed envious and excited, I nearly passed out from boredom.  You know that feeling when your eyes are open, but your brain feels like it's going to turn off?  Feel my pain, and I'll empathize with yours.

Before Jade arrived at the ball, Fleiss and Co. filmed Chris practicing the box step by himself.  I would have been interested in this scene only if Neil Lane was the instructor.

Unrelated thought: I wish Chris only had a moustache.  It would present an intriguing test to see whether all the women would be so head-over-heels in love.

Will you accept this rose?

Chris gave Jade the date rose.  But there was one more surprise.   It was an orchestra and some cross-promotion from a new Cinderella movie.  (Wait a second.  Is that Robb Stark from Game of Thrones?!  I might need to see Cinderella).


Group Date #2: Former Cheerleader Nikki, Crossfit Jillian, Nurse Whitney, Carly Rae, Favorite Britt, and Hugs Becca

The date started with all the gals wearing wedding dresses.  They then took a limo to a plane.  What's happening here?

Answer: they're going to San Francisco!  That's where I am!

While in San Francisco, they all walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, went to wine country, ate at a fancy restaurant, and had drinks at a tiki bar.  Oh wait.  No they didn't.  They competed in a muddy obstacle course while wearing wedding dresses.  Nice work by Fleiss and Co.

During the course, Carly Rae provided the QOTN, "I gave up after the big balls."  How could ABC know that this was such an appropriate time to be making ball jokes?

I don't have anything to say about The Bachelor either

Guess who won the obstacle course?  Yes, you guessed it.  The woman nicknamed Crossfit.

Crossfit's reward was an evening date with Chris at the Fairmont Hotel.  This is amazing.  Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I have plans to be AT THAT HOTEL this summer.  Scorpion Bowl for four?  Yes please.

The date with Crossfit fell apart.  She talked and talked and talked.  And then told dumb filthy jokes.  And then got sent home.  But all is not lost.  Crossfit is going to do burpees all the way back to Washington, DC.

Rose Ceremony

The Maculate Virgin decided to make it abundantly clear to Chris that she's a virgin by telling him she's a virgin.  When she told him, Chris said, "I never saw that coming."  Ouch!  Chris agrees that she is very Maculate.

All of the other ladies were equally shocked that the Maculate Virgin is a virgin (because she's not).  Carly Rae (who, shockingly, is not a virgin) said that Maculate's "mouth is not a virgin."  Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.

Before the commercial break, they snuck in that Hugs Becca is also a virgin.  Great news!  Her nickname just got exponentially better.

Joining Jade and Rickles with roses were:

Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Megan
Samantha
Ferngully Mackenzie
Widowmaker Kelsie
Hugs Becca
Maculate Virgin Ashley
Favorite Britt

Goodbye Crazy Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, and Former Cheerleader Nikki.  We lost a lot of good nicknames tonight.

Until next week, when Dugan inevitably picks up our spirits.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Say Yes to the Des

The show opened with previews for the drama filled night but Munich was the real star of the episode.

We join Des on her first trip to Europe with three dates: A One-on-One, Group, and the dreaded Two-on-One. Chris Harrison flexes his bilingual muscles and welcomes the guys to Germany. Drew wanted everyone to know his appropriate and favorite song.

Chris gets the first One-on-One and is having a true bounceback season. I'm willing to call Chris the single most-improved player during one season in Bachelor/ette history. However, as Paul George (who did he lose to?) can tell you, no NBA most improved player award recipient has ever won an NBA title. Does that mean Chris is doomed?

Bryden's breaking down explaining that Des' kind words in the Jersey Shore were not enough: "A quick little bandaid over a deeper wound." Yikes, hyperbole. Bryden is always thinking about Des and assumes she'd like to know about his decision to go home as soon as possible - even during her date with Chris.

Rain causes some technical issues in the Dugan house but here are my thoughts:

• Chris rocked a sausage store
• They went to try on German clothes. This is a fairly regular event for Bachelor/ettes. Readers, do you often go on dates where you try on traditional dress of the region you are visiting? I have NEVER done this. Has anyone? Do Fleiss & Co. believe the viewer finds this interesting?
• Bryden interrupts with one of the worst scripted moments in Bachelor history. Going around walking trying to find television cameras while being followed by television cameras. I wanted every single German who he asked to point at the fucking camera five feet from him as he was asking where the TV camera was.
• Pretzels and giant beers look amazing.

Zugspitze Group Date 

Juan Pablo, Big Jim, #, Shirtless Zak, Hockey Hair, and NYC Mikey trek the Highest Peak in all of Germany. The date meant that Domer Mike and Ben would have the Two-On-One and caused Domer Mike to get his game face on declaring that he will have to murder Ben. At this point, I became distracted from the group date trying to determine the number of murders in Germany and just how much Domer Mike would stand out for such an act. Here's the group date highlights:

• An ancient, misogynist yodeler tries to teach the guys yodeling tricks.
• The guys sled down the hill as NYC Mikey explains "This is no bunny hill."
• Zak drops a gem of a quote: "Love is like sledding down this hill." He really said that.
• Shirtless Zak could have been Father Zak.
• James is a favorite and some of the guys are starting to notice.
• Brooks gets the rose.

Domer Mike's Miami Heat Date, Wait what?

The Date Card asks Ben and Miami's Domer Mike to Heat things up. Oh, come on. Domer Mike Heat. . Miami Heat. Boom.

Domer Mike is in full on gladiator mode entering as the underdog against villain Father Ben. Mike brings up murder, Armageddon, and details his goals: "Ready to send this fucker home.”

The most reliable stats I could find shows that Germany had about 690 murders in a calendar year. Chicago had 506 last year. Mike, please don't murder anyone over Des. It’s depressing looking up the murder rate of US cities compared to Germany. Also, its frustrating that Domer Mike seems willing to sully the name of Domers, Floridians, Attorneys, etc for Des.

Some more quick-fire thoughts on the date:

• Polar Bear Plunge Psycheout! It's a Hot Tug where you are in a hot tub/boat contraption. 
• Mike is pretty fired up and on the offensive. Never mind, he's just offensive. 
• Mike calls out Father Ben's fathering, friendship and mass attendance skills.
• Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew and # are having a "Here for the Right Reasons" discussion. DRINK. It centers on bad boys NYC Mikey and James.
• Only a Domer would call out someone for missing mass. This is getting ridiculous.
• YET! It secures a rose. Father Ben is probably the only person that could have lost to Mike on this date. I've never seen a less likable performance secure the rose on the two-on-one.
• "That shocks me,” Mrs. Dugan.

Non-Cocktail Rose Ceremony

Chris H. wants Des to kiss and tell, but she doesn't take the bait. Chris, Hockey Hair (Congrats Blackhawks) and Domer Mike are safe with Roses.

Who is joining them? 

• Shirtless Zak
• #
• Juan Pablo (Has he been on a date this season?)
• Drew...and
• Big Jim.

Goodbye NYC Mikey from Chicago. Until next week in Barthelona.

The Bachelor Episode 7: It's Still Hard to Believe Jake is the Bachelor

Welcome to the Jake fantasy date show (yuck). This week's show started with a look back at how love blossomed with the three finalists. A recap, if you will. Liz and I were graciously hosted by our friends in Sausalito, Erin and Eric. Erin astutely noticed that Vienna was wearing a locket on the first episode. The locket was open. It obviously had a picture of...wait for it...JAKE. Psycho much? If the rumors are true that Vienna wins this whole thing, this could be one of the largest lapses in judgment since Brad the Twin chose no one. On to the summary (and direct plagiarism of Dugan's format from last week's summary):

Date #1 - Gia and the Whitest Dude in America

Jake and Gia ventured to a slightly more "urban" part of St. Lucia. After Jake bought a really cool choker pukka shell necklace (and by cool, I mean cool for a sophomore at an all-guys high school...I didn't have one of those...yes I did). Then Jake started dancing with Gia next to a street musician. This was alarming. Jake is not going to be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. His performance makes me really happy that I named all of my fantasy baseball teams the Dancing Pavelkas (yeah, you read that right..."all of my fantasy baseball teams"...I only have three). Gia suffered from the Bachelor/ette curse of not "letting him know" how much she cares until it was too late. Gia also suffered in the media this week. Her romances with professional baseball players and hockey players along with her Heidi Montag-esque love of plastic surgery did her no favors in the court of public opinion.


Date #2 - Tenley and the Black Sand Beach


Tenley, the crowd-favorite at this point, had her date start out with another helicopter ride up on the helicopter blades of love. Tenley once again worries about being cheated on. Let me be the first to assure you Tenley, Jake is not going to cheat on you. He's perfect...remember? Jake and Tenley proceeded to a black sand beach (Tenley's first time!). They sat on the beach and had the most meaningless conversation about love. I had to ask multiple times, "What the hell are they talking about?" This platitude-filled conversation only confirmed that Tenley and Jake are perfect for each other. Tenley danced with Jake again with some flamenco music in the background. Flamenco music and the Bachelor go together like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. Tenley then nervously accepts the fantasy suite invite because she's a born-again virgin or something like that. She delivered my favorite line of the night when she said, "I absolutely (pause) cannot wait (pause) to (pause) watch our first sunrise together." I wasn't sure where she was headed with that one, but in hindsight, I wouldn't have expected anything else from the Little Mermaid.


Date #3 - Vienna and the Pirate Patch


In an effort at cross-promotion, Vienna and Jake went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. Proving that he had a dysfunctional childhood, Jake put on a pirate eye patch and then closed the uncovered eye. Vienna told him that he had to open the other eye, silly! Jake is so strange. I can't wait for my prediction that Jake has no guy friends to come true. On this date, Jake wanted to make sure "it's not just sexual" with Vienna. Do you think they've even had sex? I highly doubt it. Jake should really want to make sure that Vienna isn't going to divorce him and take half his money. At the end of their date, Jake informs Vienna that she should be aware that he has "fallen for two other women." I appreciate Jake's honesty throughout this process, but sometimes you should just shut the hell up. I can't believe that Vienna is going to win the whole thing.


Wrap Up - This is Getting to Be Too Easy


Before the rose ceremony, Ali called to see if Jake would let her come back. This is getting to be very embarrassing for Ali. One of her equally fake blond Marina-girlfriends needs to remind her that it's freaking JAKE that she's broken up about. Jake rejects her in scripted fashion by saying "you drove away with a piece of my heart." What a goober this guy is.


I once again predicted the exact order of the rose distribution. Gia got the boot and had to go out to the reject-bench (it looks like the same bench every season - Eric figured that it must get passed around like the Stanley Cup). Jake gives Gia one last neck/shoulder kiss and it was back to the group hugs inside. Until next week, when Dugan takes over the summary.