The Bachelor Episode 4: Faux Hawk Farmer

Great news for me!  Ice cream is back in the house (cookies and cream to be exact) and the whiskey is on the rocks (one rock to be exact).  Before I begin, I'd like to pass along well wishes to our East Coast fans suffering through Stormageddon 2015.  I hope you're all hunkered down and ready for some farm aid from Chris.  Look on the bright side of things: you all have the seasons!  I have one weather prediction for tonight: a Farmageddon (see what I did there?).

And now for the crappiest recap of the most romantic show on television...

This week's episode started with Harrison updating the ladies and the viewing audience that Chris "still believes his wife is in this room."  Phew.  I was starting to get worried that this process was all for nothing.

Group Date #1: Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Crazy Ashley, Maculate Virgin Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Samantha, Ferngully Mackenzie, and Widowmaker Kelsie

This date card said "Let's do what feels natural."  I feel like I can't make the joke I want to right here.

The date started off with the Maculate Virgin (in a skimpy cutoff shirt by the way) saying that guys look so sexy when they drive a car.  I totally get that.  Mrs. Wags loves it when I top out at 55 in the Prius.

Try to catch me driving' 30

Budget cut alert: the group date is at a...wait for it....a lake!  This was great news for Ferngully though.  Her favorite place is "a lake."

The Maculate Virgin dropped her top and jumped off a pier into the lake.  How very sweet, innocent, and adorable.  Rickles would not be outdone and jumped into the lake with no bottoms.  These ladies really have a grasp on what makes good wife-material.

Sidenote: I just paused the show to write that last blurb and caught this in still frame.

Caption contest!

Back at the house, Chris's three sisters showed up to choose which one of the ladies would get to go on the one-on-one date.  One of his sisters lives in Ireland.  79% of the women did not know where Ireland is.

It's in Eastern Europe.  Duh.

Back on the date, the Widowmaker was upset that the lake was not good enough compared to the lakes she's used to.  In the wise words of T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili, don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

The date continued with camping...in bikinis.  I only camp in beach houses, but bikini-camping seems contrary to the idea of camping.

Back at the house, the ladies were just steaming artichokes and hanging out in bikinis.  Reality TV, am I right?

On the group date, other ladies accused Widowmaker of being a fraud and not that into Chris.  Poetically, the Maculate Virgin called her a "fake."  Said the 26 year old, skinny dipping, cutoff shirt wearing, party girl.

The ladies were drinking lots of whiskey on the date.  Never did I think I would have so much in common with the women of the Bachelor.

After very little deliberation, Rickles got the date rose.  Her response: "This is awesome.  And I'm drunk."



After Rickles got the rose, the Maculate Virgin joined Chris in his tent to let him know she's never even had a boyfriend.

Sisters' Pick Solo Date: Jade

Here's a little blog secret I'm going to share.  I do no research on this show.  I don't read blogs.  I don't spend any time learning about people on the show.  I pretty much only talk to Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, and Mrs. Wags about it.  That being said, I have become aware that Jade has a prior career that might involve some nudity.  Soooooooo, NICE WORK CHRIS'S SISTERS.  You all picked the adult model to go out with your farmer brother.

Some unnecessarily wacky stylists came over to dress Jade as a princess for her Cinderella.  Though all the ladies seemed envious and excited, I nearly passed out from boredom.  You know that feeling when your eyes are open, but your brain feels like it's going to turn off?  Feel my pain, and I'll empathize with yours.

Before Jade arrived at the ball, Fleiss and Co. filmed Chris practicing the box step by himself.  I would have been interested in this scene only if Neil Lane was the instructor.

Unrelated thought: I wish Chris only had a moustache.  It would present an intriguing test to see whether all the women would be so head-over-heels in love.

Will you accept this rose?

Chris gave Jade the date rose.  But there was one more surprise.   It was an orchestra and some cross-promotion from a new Cinderella movie.  (Wait a second.  Is that Robb Stark from Game of Thrones?!  I might need to see Cinderella).


Group Date #2: Former Cheerleader Nikki, Crossfit Jillian, Nurse Whitney, Carly Rae, Favorite Britt, and Hugs Becca

The date started with all the gals wearing wedding dresses.  They then took a limo to a plane.  What's happening here?

Answer: they're going to San Francisco!  That's where I am!

While in San Francisco, they all walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, went to wine country, ate at a fancy restaurant, and had drinks at a tiki bar.  Oh wait.  No they didn't.  They competed in a muddy obstacle course while wearing wedding dresses.  Nice work by Fleiss and Co.

During the course, Carly Rae provided the QOTN, "I gave up after the big balls."  How could ABC know that this was such an appropriate time to be making ball jokes?

I don't have anything to say about The Bachelor either

Guess who won the obstacle course?  Yes, you guessed it.  The woman nicknamed Crossfit.

Crossfit's reward was an evening date with Chris at the Fairmont Hotel.  This is amazing.  Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I have plans to be AT THAT HOTEL this summer.  Scorpion Bowl for four?  Yes please.

The date with Crossfit fell apart.  She talked and talked and talked.  And then told dumb filthy jokes.  And then got sent home.  But all is not lost.  Crossfit is going to do burpees all the way back to Washington, DC.

Rose Ceremony

The Maculate Virgin decided to make it abundantly clear to Chris that she's a virgin by telling him she's a virgin.  When she told him, Chris said, "I never saw that coming."  Ouch!  Chris agrees that she is very Maculate.

All of the other ladies were equally shocked that the Maculate Virgin is a virgin (because she's not).  Carly Rae (who, shockingly, is not a virgin) said that Maculate's "mouth is not a virgin."  Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.

Before the commercial break, they snuck in that Hugs Becca is also a virgin.  Great news!  Her nickname just got exponentially better.

Joining Jade and Rickles with roses were:

Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Megan
Samantha
Ferngully Mackenzie
Widowmaker Kelsie
Hugs Becca
Maculate Virgin Ashley
Favorite Britt

Goodbye Crazy Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, and Former Cheerleader Nikki.  We lost a lot of good nicknames tonight.

Until next week, when Dugan inevitably picks up our spirits.