The Bachelor Episode 2: Faux Hawk Farmer

It feels so good to be back.  It's been a night of surprises leading up to the Bachelor.  Ohio State are unexpected champions.  I enjoyed a couple (few) glasses of my favorite red blend from the Sonoma coast.  There's no ice cream in the house, and I'm too comfortable on the couch to get whiskey.  I don't know where tonight is headed, but I hope one step closer to true love for our Faux Hawk Farmer Chris.

Now that Urban Meyer is off of my TV, let's see what's happening with Less-than-urban Chris.  Last week, the episode ended with one of the women, Kimberley aka She Ate Me II, getting booted, and then breaking the rules by coming back into the house.  Predictably, she "feels like she was supposed to be here."  Chris needed to get some protocol advice from Harrison.  After consulting with Harrison, Chris decided to keep She Ate Me II.  Chris proved once again that he is one thing, and one thing only:

Chess

Before the first date, Harrison interviewed Chris and the ladies.  So far, it's pretty clear that this season will contain more Harrison and a whole lot of Chris using his outdoor shower.

Group Date #1: Jade, Tandra, Jersey Ashley, Ferngully Mackenzie, She Ate Me II, and Hurricane Tara

The first date was a pool party.  More half-naked Chris.  More chicken fights.  And, apparently, more views of back tattoos on the ladies.  

While the girls were at the pool, Megan and Jillian snuck into Chris's apartment, saw that his motorcycle was parked in his living room, tried on his helmet, and then checked the safety of the helmet by running their heads into a brick wall.  I think I should have drank the entire bottle of wine to make sense of that sequence.  

Back to the date.  Chris went from a pool party to a tractor race.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Back at the house, Juelia revealed to the other women that she has a daughter and used to be married, but her husband killed himself.  One of the other women praised her bravery for being on the show.  

The search for true love takes courage

Back on the date, Chris ended the group date early and took Ferngully on an evening one-on-one date.  All of the other women were heart broken.  Fleiss and Co. are doing everything they can to drive a wedge between the women.  

Ferngully noticed that Chris, the "farmer," once had his ears pierced. 

Iowa

The earring observation was permissible, but then Ferngully said that Chris has a big nose, and then asked if he believes in aliens.  Though maybe not the right question for a first date, I have often thought this would be an appropriate question for jury selection.  Ohhh, you believe in aliens?  You're free to leave the court room.

The date turned around when Ferngully revealed that she had a kid.  Per Bachelor rules, Ferngully got a rose after admitting that she has a one-year-old child.

Back at the house, Ferngully revealed her immaturity by kissing and telling, and telling, and telling, and telling.

Solo Date: Megan

As you now know, the group date was a tractor race.  Megan, on the other hand, got a limo ride to a private jet, to a helicopter ride.  Megan was so happy that she said, "the butterflies in my stomach are colorful and fluttering."  Megan is the best!  I think she's just a little ditzy. Maybe she shouldn't have crash tested the motorcycle helmet by slamming her head into a brick wall.  She doesn't have the brain cells to spare.

The helicopter took them to the Grand Canyon.  During a picnic on the canyon floor, Megan admitted that she almost wasn't on the show because her dad died a few short days beforehand.  Thus, she is only on the show for the right reasons.  

Of course, if you're on the Bachelor for the right reasons, you get a rose.  Megan is one of three women on the show in the makeup business.  At this point, she might be the favorite of the three.

Group Date #2: Widowmaker Kelsey, Trina, Crash Test DummyAlissa, Hot for Teacher Tracy, Crossfit Jillian, Becca, Amber, Shrek Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Rickles, and Favorite Britt

The date started with a horror theme.  More specifically, an end-of-the-world zombie nightmare.  You might have been able to predict this, but Chris came and saved the day.  

The date was a team-based, paintball game.  They were supposed to take out zombies.  Shrek Ashley didn't understand the concept of paintball, teams, guns, life, or anything else that could lead to success on a Bachelor date.  

Chris thought all the women looked sexy while shooting zombies with a paintball gun.  That's really what I love about this show.  It's a realistic way for a guy to find a wife in a real life situation.

Back at the house, Sorority Jordan (the girl that brought whiskey shots on the first episode), drank too much and twerked against a wall.  She gives whiskey an irresponsible name (and maybe makes Hurricane Tara look sober).

On the date, Rickles did a Canadian accent.  Chris thought that was sexy.  This guy seems to think most things are sexy.  

Sexy

Sexy

Not sexy

Favorite Britt got some alone time with Chris.  She has obviously studied how to win this game show.  She told Chris that she feels like she is the only girl there and that their relationship is going well.  She's a cool, confident cucumber.  Though Favorite Britt said all the right things, Rickles got the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Nurse Whitney gave Chris a bottle of Iowa whiskey.  Though I find her voice to be the most annoying sound in the world, her amazing gift started to change how I feel about her.

Jersey Ashley, who described herself as a cougar on the first episode, revealed that she is a virgin.  Then she proceeded to nearly go to second base with Chris on screen.  As Ferngully eloquently stated, her actions leave us "mind boggled."  Two hours of watching this show often leave me feeling rather mindboggled.

Sorority Jordan must have continued drinking all afternoon.  She wanted to make out with Chris, but instead just stumbled over her words and made no sense.  For the second time on the episode, she made Hurricane Tara seem like a model 12 stepper.

In addition to Ferngully, Megan, and Rickles, roses went to:

Favorite Britt

The Virgin Jersey Ashley

Trina

Widowmaker

Samantha

Unbroken Juelia

Amber

Hot for Teacher Tracy

Crossfit Jillian

Jade

Some girl whose name I couldn't understand even though I rewound the show 5 times (Tandra?)

Becca

Carly Rae

Nurse Whitney

Crazy Shrek Ashley

It was a bad night for drunks, as Hurricane Tara and Sorority Jordan were joined by Second Chance Kimberley and Crash Test Dummy Alissa in getting sent home.  

Until next week, when Jimmy Kimmel cross promotes his show and Dugan's blog post.