We have a red carpet opening to begin the show and host Chris Harrison is trying to hammer home that "Prince Farming" will return the honor and glory to the besmirched Bachelor franchise due to Juan Pablo's season. Sadly, DirecTv was less excited about Farmer Chris and decided to stick with Juan Pablo's head shot instead.
Let's get everyone up to speed. Chris is a 33 yr old, 4th generation farmer whose family operates a 6,000 acre farm consisting mostly of Alfalfa, Soy Beans and Pigs. Chris is a lonely guy in a town of about 400 people.
Do you want to see how small Arlington, Iowa is? Click here.
But the population this summer swole up, Bro. The ALBINO RHINO hit up Arlington, opened a Hooters and tanning booth and trained Farmer Chris into Bachelor shape.
NEWSFLASH - The Bachelor broke Twitter. I have to assume people are excited about the blog. Was it the NBA trade? Notre Dame's 15-1 start after beating UNC? North Korea?
Let's move on and meet the ladies vying to be the Farmer's Hoe. We will introduce them to the WWT readers as they entered the show. All nicknames are to be considered in production at this time. This is a fluid process and names may change. Wags and I welcome suggestions in the comments. Some of the notes used below are available at the bios website on the ABC homepage for the show.
LIMO #1
Britt is a 27 yr old waitress from Hollywood. She gives a strong entrance hug, passes a note, and is an early favorite to go far per Mrs. Dugan.
Nurse Whitney is a 29 yr old fertility nurse from Chicago. She appears to be a super fan and the crazy force is strong with this one.
Kelsey, aka the Widowmaker, is a 28 yr old Guidance Counselor from Austin, Texas. Considering her name is Kelsey and she's a counselor, I also thought about calling her Frazier.
***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
- Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls.
Megan is a 24 yr old makeup artist and my guess to make it the furthest without the audience knowing ANYTHING about her.
Jersey Ashley is a 26 yr old Freelance Journalist from Wayne, NJ
***BIO ALERT*** Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.
- I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.
LIMO #2
Trina is a 33 yr old special ed teacher from San Clemente, CA
Reegan, aka Biohazard, brings the tell tale heart to the Farmer. She's a 28 yr old donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, CA
Hurricane Tara is a proud South Floridian who struts into the Bachelor mansion in daisy dukes and a casual shirt and drinks whiskey on the rocks. Hurricane Tara also claims to be a Sport Fishing Enthusiast as her job. I don't even know where to begin. Honest. I don't.
Amber, is a 29 yr old bartender from Chicago
***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
- The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale.
- That's odd, I thought “Blackish” was on ABC Wednesday nights.
LIMO #3 – Warning - No other limo is going to top this group of nicknames
We have Crazy Amanda, the 24 yr old Ballet Teacher in the Jasminesque outfit from Illinois. She brings some heat in Dugan's weekly Quote Of The Night (QOTN) game. Due to Crazy Amanda's outfit and actions, she has been dubbed Belly Dancing Hasselbeck, or BDH, for short.
BDH QOTN attempts:
- Hey, BDH, why are you still single? BDH: "I'm fucking crazy”
- "I don’t like bills or cleaning"
- "His smile is panty dropping”
Jillian, aka Crossfit, is a ripped 25 yr old news producer from the nation's capital.
Mackenzie, aka Ferngully, is a 21 yr old dental assistant from Washington State.
Ashley S, aka Shrek (more on that later), is a 24 yr old hair stylist from Brooklyn. Shrek goes on a tirade about people and onions and layers. She's Shrek.
Kaitlyn, aka Rickles, is a 29 yr old dance instructor from Vancouver.
Her upfront demeanor brought out the QOTN and the exchange of the night between Rickles and the Farmer.
Rickles: "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” ***winner, winner, chicken dinner***
Chris: “Didn’t see that coming.”
***BIO ALERT*** If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?
- Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.
Samantha is a 27 yr old fashion designer from Los Angeles, CA
Michelle is a 25 yd old wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah.
***BIO ALERT*** Describe your idea of the ultimate date.
- A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.
You are on the right show. "Helicopter ride over volcano" is standard bachelor fare.
Juelia is a 30 yr old esthetician (fancy way of saying makeup artist?) from Portland, OR
Tandra is a 30 yr old exec assistant from Sandy, UT, who rides in on a motorcycle.
LIMO #5
Alissa, aka Crash Test Dummy is a 24yr old flight attendant from Hamilton, NJ. She wants everyone buckled up and safe, including Chris.
Jordan is a 24 yr old student from Colorado who brings Whiskey. They must be fans of Wags blogging weeks.
Nicole, aka Ned Beatty or Ginger, is a 31 yr old real estate agent who wore a pig nose and dropped this sweet pun: “I wanted to ham it up for you.” I love bad puns so I am in Ned Beatty's camp.
Brittany is a 26 yr old WWE Diva from Orlando because Florida.
Carly, aka Carly Rae is a 26 yr old cruise ship singer from the Arlington people have heard of.
***BIO ALERT*** What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?
- I had to be a pirate watcher from midnight to 4am in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct...actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)
LIMO #6
Tracy, aka Hot For Teacher is an attractive 29 yr old teacher from Wellington, FL. She is a Dugan pick to go final 3.
Bo, aka She Ate Me I, is a 25 yr old plus size model from California.
Kimberly, aka She Ate Me II is a 28 yr old yoga instructor from Strong Island with a completely unfair nickname but She Ate Me I always needs a She Ate Me II.
Kara is a 25 yr old soccer coach from Brownsville, KY
Jade may have saved the best for last and is a 28 yr old cosmetics developer from LA.
Party and Rose Ceremony
He can’t remember their names? Neither can we – that’s why we use nicknames.
- Someone has a 6 and 7 yr old
- Carly Rae is bringing the random Iowa criminal code trivia. Interesting choice, Carly Rae.
- Rickles can also breakdance
- Hot For Teacher is concerned about becoming a cat lady. She brought this up multiple times.
- Shrek goes on her onion rants, among others.
- Ferngully likes to water color. Of course she does.
- Hurricane Tara is gaining strength in the Pacific.
- Mrs. Dugan has a good eye and Britt walks with the First Impression Rose.
29 girls left and 21 more roses to be handed out. Britt is safe with the First Impression Rose. Who is joining her?
Rickles
Jade
Samantha
Jersey Ashley
Tandra
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Widowmaker
Megan
Crash Test Dummy
Blackish
Juelia
Becca L
Trina
Ferngully
Hot For Teacher
Hurricane Tara
Jordan
Crossfit
Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Shrek
Ginger
Belly Dancing Hasselbeck.
Kara.
She Ate Me II
She Ate Me I
WWE Diva
Amber
Biohazard
Until next week when Wags takes the reigns and tries to return order to WWT.
Posts
Oh wow, this is a superb way to launch Prince Farming's season. Thank you Dugan family for devoting three hours of your Monday night to ABC.
ReplyDeleteThe recap is priceless and very necessary since I must admit, 3 hours was a little more than I could handle. And the nicknames, oh the nicknames! All I wanted for Christmas was a new season of the Bachelor with nicknames galore. Thank you, Santa. Keep all the nicknames, if someone is worthy of 2, even better!
What a first episode. Three hours was not expected (or very welcomed for that matter). I never want to hear Josh Murray say another word on television.
ReplyDeleteGreat recap master-of-nicknames-and-premiers Dugan. I admire your ability and determination to keep everyone straight. My favorite nicknames so far are Carly Rae, Ferngully, Rickles, and She Ate Me I and II. Too bad we lost the She Ate Mes so soon.
A few observations from my notes:
1) Chris Harrison is more self-aware than ever about his hyperbole, even making fun of himself. Here's some hyperbole he missed though: this season will have the MOST annoying voices EVER. Baby voices. Unbearable accents. Nurse Whitney tops the list.
2) This is the first Bachelor that might actually need the Bachelor to meet women. That map of Arlington is shocking.
3) How can Iowa have so much power in Presidential elections, yet be so mocked on the Bach?
4) A sport fishing enthusiast? That's just incredible.
5) When the Faux Hawk Farmer walked into the room with the 30 ladies, he uttered, "I believe my wife is in this room." I believe every contestant in Bachelor history has made this statement. They need to cut it out or I might start believing this show is scripted. And I refuse to believe that, since it's the search for true love.
6) It was genius work by Fleiss and Co. to have the women arrive in 15 person shifts. They created a beautiful artificial rivalry.
7) I hate to admit it, but that pomegranate kind of looked like an onion. Why it mattered if it was an onion or a pomegranate is beyond me.
8) My QOTN was when Ferngully asked Chris if his farm is organic, and he replied, "Uhhhh, uhhh, uhhhh." Mrs. Wags quickly pointed out that he works for Monsanto.
9) So Britt got the first impression rose. She's going to be in the final 2. She's overly into him and is exactly the kind of girl he thinks he wouldn't normally be able to get (see every other season of the Bachelor).
10) Speaking of Britt. She's a waitress in Hollywood. Guess who's not there for the right reasons? Britt, the wannabe actress from Hollywood.
11) Fleiss and Co. have finally found their muse, and it's Farmer Chris. This guy will do anything they say. Keeping Shrek and Hurricane Tara. C'mon. Give me a break.
12) We're above 70,000 pageviews. And still making $0/month.
Tim, your comments are interesting. I did have blog notes on the Nurse Whitney Voice and the organic farm question. I also had a tirade that I edited out about how federally backed farm subsidy legislation could be in serious doubt due to one man, the Faux Hawk Farmer.
ReplyDeleteHis response to the organic question was priceless. It was the closest I think we are going to get to having a Bachelor slap a contestant. He probably wanted to go on an anti-organic rant.
Also, your muse point is dead on. They needed Chris to be the Anti Juan Pablo and he will deliver in every way possible.
Possible huge story line to follow: I think this season Chris Harrison has more actual influence over the bachelor than any season in BACHELOR HISTORY. Did you see when the after the first batch of girls were there and Chris H told him to go inside and Farmer Chris said 'ok! come on?!" And the Farmer Chris realized he was going it alone?? SO MUCH FEAR! I also loved running to Harrison during the rose ceremony. I hope that trend continues.
ReplyDeleteHow does the FCC not have a provision making three hours of the bachelor illegal? That's far more obscene than Janet Jackson has ever been.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog.
jen can't figure out how to login harrison
to be clear, the question was not whether or not his farm was organic... The question was " what is alfalfa? Is it organic?" and the look on his face was the realization that she thinks that certain foods are organic because they are that certain food, not because of the way they are grown
ReplyDelete