Prince Farming Premiere: He's Here For The Right Reasons

Ok friends and fans, we are back. It's late here on the East Coast but nothing provides a caffeine boost like the Bachelor premiere. We are back with Chris Soules, the Iowa Farmer who fell short on Bachelorette Andi's season.

We have a red carpet opening to begin the show and host Chris Harrison is trying to hammer home that "Prince Farming" will return the honor and glory to the besmirched Bachelor franchise due to Juan Pablo's season. Sadly, DirecTv was less excited about Farmer Chris and decided to stick with Juan Pablo's head shot instead.

Let's get everyone up to speed. Chris is a 33 yr old, 4th generation farmer whose family operates a 6,000 acre farm consisting mostly of Alfalfa, Soy Beans and Pigs. Chris is a lonely guy in a town of about 400 people.

Do you want to see how small Arlington, Iowa is? Click here.

But the population this summer swole up, Bro. The ALBINO RHINO hit up Arlington, opened a Hooters and tanning booth and trained Farmer Chris into Bachelor shape.

NEWSFLASH - The Bachelor broke Twitter. I have to assume people are excited about the blog. Was it the NBA trade? Notre Dame's 15-1 start after beating UNC? North Korea?

Let's move on and meet the ladies vying to be the Farmer's Hoe. We will introduce them to the WWT readers as they entered the show. All nicknames are to be considered in production at this time. This is a fluid process and names may change. Wags and I welcome suggestions in the comments. Some of the notes used below are available at the bios website on the ABC homepage for the show.

LIMO #1

Britt is a 27 yr old waitress from Hollywood. She gives a strong entrance hug, passes a note, and is an early favorite to go far per Mrs. Dugan.
Nurse Whitney is a 29 yr old fertility nurse from Chicago. She appears to be a super fan and the crazy force is strong with this one.
Kelsey, aka the Widowmaker, is a 28 yr old Guidance Counselor from Austin, Texas. Considering her name is Kelsey and she's a counselor, I also thought about calling her Frazier.

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls.

Anyone who has What About Bob? in their top 3 movies can do no wrong in my book. I'm a Widowmaker fan until the end.

Megan is a 24 yr old makeup artist and my guess to make it the furthest without the audience knowing ANYTHING about her.
Jersey Ashley is a 26 yr old Freelance Journalist from Wayne, NJ

***BIO ALERT*** Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.

• I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.

Honest question. Can 26 yr old women be cougars?

LIMO #2

Trina is a 33 yr old special ed teacher from San Clemente, CA
Reegan, aka Biohazard, brings the tell tale heart to the Farmer. She's a 28 yr old donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, CA
Hurricane Tara is a proud South Floridian who struts into the Bachelor mansion in daisy dukes and a casual shirt and drinks whiskey on the rocks. Hurricane Tara also claims to be a Sport Fishing Enthusiast as her job. I don't even know where to begin. Honest. I don't.
Amber, is a 29 yr old bartender from Chicago

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. 
• That's odd, I thought “Blackish” was on ABC Wednesday nights. 

Nikki, aka Former Cheerleader Nikki, is a 26 yr old, get this, Former NFL Cheerleader from New York City

LIMO #3 – Warning - No other limo is going to top this group of nicknames

We have Crazy Amanda, the 24 yr old Ballet Teacher in the Jasminesque outfit from Illinois. She brings some heat in Dugan's weekly Quote Of The Night (QOTN) game. Due to Crazy Amanda's outfit and actions, she has been dubbed Belly Dancing Hasselbeck, or BDH, for short.

BDH QOTN attempts:

1. Hey, BDH, why are you still single? BDH: "I'm fucking crazy”
2. "I don’t like bills or cleaning"
3. "His smile is panty dropping”

Please stay on this season long, Belly Dancing Hasselback.

Jillian, aka Crossfit, is a ripped 25 yr old news producer from the nation's capital.
Mackenzie, aka Ferngully, is a 21 yr old dental assistant from Washington State.
Ashley S, aka Shrek (more on that later), is a 24 yr old hair stylist from Brooklyn. Shrek goes on a tirade about people and onions and layers. She's Shrek.



Kaitlyn, aka Rickles,  is a 29 yr old dance instructor from Vancouver.

Her upfront demeanor brought out the QOTN and the exchange of the night between Rickles and the Farmer.

Rickles: "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” ***winner, winner, chicken dinner***
Chris: “Didn’t see that coming.”

***BIO ALERT*** If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?

• Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.

LIMO #4

Samantha is a 27 yr old fashion designer from Los Angeles, CA
Michelle is a 25 yd old wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah.

***BIO ALERT*** Describe your idea of the ultimate date.

• A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.

You are on the right show. "Helicopter ride over volcano" is standard bachelor fare.

Juelia is a 30 yr old esthetician (fancy way of saying makeup artist?) from Portland, OR

Becca is a 25 yr old chiropractic assistant from San Diego
Tandra is a 30 yr old exec assistant from Sandy, UT, who rides in on a motorcycle.

LIMO #5

Alissa, aka Crash Test Dummy is a 24yr old flight attendant from Hamilton, NJ. She wants everyone buckled up and safe, including Chris.

Jordan is a 24 yr old student from Colorado who brings Whiskey. They must be fans of Wags blogging weeks.
Nicole, aka Ned Beatty or Ginger,  is a 31 yr old real estate agent who wore a pig nose and dropped this sweet pun: “I wanted to ham it up for you.” I love bad puns so I am in Ned Beatty's camp.
Brittany is a 26 yr old WWE Diva from Orlando because Florida.
Carly, aka Carly Rae is a 26 yr old  cruise ship singer from the Arlington people have heard of.

***BIO ALERT*** What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

• I had to be a pirate watcher from midnight to 4am in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct...actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)

We need to get Carly Rae and Rickles together on YARRRLAND (see above and pay better attention next time.)

LIMO #6
Tracy, aka Hot For Teacher is an attractive 29 yr old teacher from Wellington, FL. She is a Dugan pick to go final 3.
Bo, aka She Ate Me I, is a 25 yr old plus size model from California.
Kimberly, aka She Ate Me II is a 28 yr old yoga instructor from Strong Island with a completely unfair nickname but She Ate Me I always needs a She Ate Me II.
Kara is a 25 yr old soccer coach from Brownsville, KY
Jade may have saved the best for last and is a 28 yr old cosmetics developer from LA.

Party and Rose Ceremony

He can’t remember their names? Neither can we – that’s why we use nicknames.

• Someone has a 6 and 7 yr old
• Carly Rae is bringing the random Iowa criminal code trivia. Interesting choice, Carly Rae.
• Rickles can also breakdance
• Hot For Teacher is concerned about becoming a cat lady. She brought this up multiple times.
• Shrek goes on her onion rants, among others. 
• Ferngully likes to water color. Of course she does.
• Hurricane Tara is gaining strength in the Pacific.
• Mrs. Dugan has a good eye and Britt walks with the First Impression Rose.

Rose Ceremony

29 girls left and 21 more roses to be handed out. Britt is safe with the First Impression Rose. Who is joining her?

Rickles
Jade
Samantha
Jersey Ashley
Tandra
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Widowmaker
Megan
Crash Test Dummy
Blackish
Juelia
Becca L
Trina
Ferngully
Hot For Teacher
Hurricane Tara
Jordan
Crossfit
Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Shrek



Ginger
Belly Dancing Hasselbeck.
Kara.
She Ate Me II
She Ate Me I
WWE Diva
Amber
Biohazard

Until next week when Wags takes the reigns and tries to return order to WWT.

The Bachelorette: Third Engagement's the Charm

Ok, it's week one and we'll need a better name for this season but your authors at WWT are very excited for Emily as the Bachelorette. We called it on opening night of Brad's season, but he messed that one up leaving us with the Dental Student and the Winemaker. Emily and the Blog are going to bring it this season...so let's get started.

Emily's sit down with Chris


Emily sits down with Chris for the customary introduction to the season to discuss life story, nerves, goals, etc. Luckily for those of us not looking to be depressed every Monday night, Emily is done talking about her horrific first engagement, plane crash, and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby. Emily explains that she is ready to find someone. Brad's season helped her realize she could love again. Nowadays, she puts Ricky to bed about 7:30pm and retires to her room to read 50 Shades of Grey - like every other woman in America. She's looking for a soulmate and a father to her daughter. Aren't most single moms? Oh...true...most don't look like Emily.

Let's meet some of the guys


Fleiss & Co also use this trick every year. We get vignettes with a handful of the guys in their respective hometowns. Why do I enjoy it? Every year they choose to highlight someone that will be cut on opening night which is kind of cruel.  Who will it be this time?

• Kalon, the "modern southern gentlemen" from Houston.
• Uncle Rico, a football player from Augusta, Ga. (Thank you MG for name)
• Tony, the plywood purchaser from Beaverton, Or. (also a father - single fathers are all over the place. You never hear about single fathers, I am glad ABC is taking the time to introduce the demographic to America)
• Token, real estate consultant from LA. What Token does not know is that the Carolinas do not extend the full faith and credit to Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967), which does not bode well for his future with Emily.
• Token mentions that Emily being a single mom is "one of the most attractive things about her." In isolation, I chuckled but he repeated it to her during his entrance and I think he is just into moms.
• Singer/songwriter David who is quite the lyricist. He wrote a song about the Bachelorette. It was catchy: "Emily...Emileeeee....EMILEEEEEEEEE"
• Trauma Charlie from Nashville mentions his head injury multiple times but informed is that "nothing is wrong with my heart." If I'm Emily, I am much more concerned about the severe brain trauma.
• SLC Jef is a skateboarding CEO who builds wells for charity. And he shits roses.
• Indy Arie, the race car driver ensures there will be a palindrome every week and who can't get excited for that? He also is near the top in Dugan's nickname off for this season.

Stop! It's Limo Time

Harrison rocks the skinny tie a la Wags and we are about to begin. Emily explains to America how she wants this to end: "A MINIVAN FULL OF BABIES" And let's meet the lucky guys...

• Sean the insurance agent from Dallas - Usually it is not a good sign when you don't have a nickname because you are either not memorable or they purposely left your tape on the cutting room floor...
• Lyricist Dave from NYC
• Father Doug is a Charity Director/Realtor from Seattle but he really pushes the single father angle early and often.
• Fitness Jackson is in good shape. And a douche.
• Joe is a Field Energy Advisor in LA. A what? This is what I picture Joe doing in a field.

• That's a dowsing/divining rod in the picture if you can't tell.
• Indy Arie from Scottsdale
• Kyle from Long Beach who wore a turquoise tie (apparently that's enough)
• Bobblehead Chris from Chicago
• Mr. Aaron, the Bio Teacher who is looking for "Chemistry." FYI, that joke would have killed with his high school students.
• A Grain Merchant from St. Paul via Brasil who does not have a Bio on ABC.
• SPOILER ALERT
• Did you see who did have Bios on there? Ames, Bentley, Blake, Frank, Matt, Ryan M., Ryan P., Dollar Bill...who isn't coming back this season?
• SLC Jef
• Token, who once again brings up his thing for single moms
• Jersey Steve who likes to dance and hates helicopters (never good for being on this show)
• Trauma Charlie
• Plywood pusher Tony brings up a lame Prince Charming, Cinderella scene
• Only to be one upped by Old Lady Randy...Grandy
• Nate is an accountant from LA (note: Mrs. Dugan calls a favorite)
• 40 year old virgin from Fresno (this is funny when you hear more about him later)
• "Wolf" who works in E-Discovery...I mean is a data destruction specialist
• Egg Man Travis promises to take care of an ostrich egg to show how he will protect Emily and Ricky. But will he guard and protect their hearts? 
• Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin
• Poutine is a French Canadian Marine Biologist living in Seattle. Honest. I swear. Ok, his name wasn't Poutine.
• Alejandro is an import/exporter from Medellin. Oh no, he's a farmer from Medellin. This is hilarious. Why don't you call him a pharmacist from Medellin. Or a speedboat driver. A pilot. I could go on all day. And night.
• Uncle Rico was a professional athlete and now lives in Augusta, Ga. A tradition like no other...WWT.

• Kalon arrived via helicopter. When I think helicopter, two things come to mind and both are amazing 80's television shows: Airwolf and Magnum PI.

 Kalon isn't cool enough to be named TC. And he isn't cool enough to be nicknamed Airwolf. He's not even cool enough to be nicknamed Ernest Borgnine. We'll work on it.

First Impressions and Roses

I fully understand there are about 2 people still reading the blog so I will get on with it and wrap this up quickly. Charlie Trauma jokes about having a titanium face - still no word on his brain. The 40 Yr Old Virgin has 6 kids. Oops. The guys toast to the "hottest mom." Emily thinks Bobblehead is super hot and SLC Jef is too cool for school, Father Doug is continuing to work that angle with a poem from his son. I keep thinking about a 12 yr old having Emily as his step mom. Things will get awkward at Father Doug's home in less than 12 months if Emily picks him. Sock laundry will also pick up. Grandy, Egg Man and the Wolf are sweating out the lack of one-on-one time. 

In a surprise, Father Doug receives the first impression rose followed by Bobblehead, Uncle Rico, Helicopter Boy, Indy Arie, Trauma Charlie, SLC Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Mr. Aaron, Escobar, Wolf, Brazilian Grain Merchant, Michael, Jersey, Plywood Tony, and the Egg Man.

Dismissed in night one were Token, 40 Yr Old Virgin, Grandy, Poutine, the Lyricist, and Fitness Jackson. 

Until next week. Let the nicknames marinate and please feel free to suggest new and/or revised ones for your ego-less authors at WWT.