The Bachelorette: Third Engagement's the Charm

Ok, it's week one and we'll need a better name for this season but your authors at WWT are very excited for Emily as the Bachelorette. We called it on opening night of Brad's season, but he messed that one up leaving us with the Dental Student and the Winemaker. Emily and the Blog are going to bring it this season...so let's get started.

Emily's sit down with Chris


Emily sits down with Chris for the customary introduction to the season to discuss life story, nerves, goals, etc. Luckily for those of us not looking to be depressed every Monday night, Emily is done talking about her horrific first engagement, plane crash, and subsequent revelation that she was pregnant with her deceased fiance's baby. Emily explains that she is ready to find someone. Brad's season helped her realize she could love again. Nowadays, she puts Ricky to bed about 7:30pm and retires to her room to read 50 Shades of Grey - like every other woman in America. She's looking for a soulmate and a father to her daughter. Aren't most single moms? Oh...true...most don't look like Emily.

Let's meet some of the guys


Fleiss & Co also use this trick every year. We get vignettes with a handful of the guys in their respective hometowns. Why do I enjoy it? Every year they choose to highlight someone that will be cut on opening night which is kind of cruel.  Who will it be this time?

• Kalon, the "modern southern gentlemen" from Houston.
• Uncle Rico, a football player from Augusta, Ga. (Thank you MG for name)
• Tony, the plywood purchaser from Beaverton, Or. (also a father - single fathers are all over the place. You never hear about single fathers, I am glad ABC is taking the time to introduce the demographic to America)
• Token, real estate consultant from LA. What Token does not know is that the Carolinas do not extend the full faith and credit to Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967), which does not bode well for his future with Emily.
• Token mentions that Emily being a single mom is "one of the most attractive things about her." In isolation, I chuckled but he repeated it to her during his entrance and I think he is just into moms.
• Singer/songwriter David who is quite the lyricist. He wrote a song about the Bachelorette. It was catchy: "Emily...Emileeeee....EMILEEEEEEEEE"
• Trauma Charlie from Nashville mentions his head injury multiple times but informed is that "nothing is wrong with my heart." If I'm Emily, I am much more concerned about the severe brain trauma.
• SLC Jef is a skateboarding CEO who builds wells for charity. And he shits roses.
• Indy Arie, the race car driver ensures there will be a palindrome every week and who can't get excited for that? He also is near the top in Dugan's nickname off for this season.

Stop! It's Limo Time

Harrison rocks the skinny tie a la Wags and we are about to begin. Emily explains to America how she wants this to end: "A MINIVAN FULL OF BABIES" And let's meet the lucky guys...

• Sean the insurance agent from Dallas - Usually it is not a good sign when you don't have a nickname because you are either not memorable or they purposely left your tape on the cutting room floor...
• Lyricist Dave from NYC
• Father Doug is a Charity Director/Realtor from Seattle but he really pushes the single father angle early and often.
• Fitness Jackson is in good shape. And a douche.
• Joe is a Field Energy Advisor in LA. A what? This is what I picture Joe doing in a field.

• That's a dowsing/divining rod in the picture if you can't tell.
• Indy Arie from Scottsdale
• Kyle from Long Beach who wore a turquoise tie (apparently that's enough)
• Bobblehead Chris from Chicago
• Mr. Aaron, the Bio Teacher who is looking for "Chemistry." FYI, that joke would have killed with his high school students.
• A Grain Merchant from St. Paul via Brasil who does not have a Bio on ABC.
• SPOILER ALERT
• Did you see who did have Bios on there? Ames, Bentley, Blake, Frank, Matt, Ryan M., Ryan P., Dollar Bill...who isn't coming back this season?
• SLC Jef
• Token, who once again brings up his thing for single moms
• Jersey Steve who likes to dance and hates helicopters (never good for being on this show)
• Trauma Charlie
• Plywood pusher Tony brings up a lame Prince Charming, Cinderella scene
• Only to be one upped by Old Lady Randy...Grandy
• Nate is an accountant from LA (note: Mrs. Dugan calls a favorite)
• 40 year old virgin from Fresno (this is funny when you hear more about him later)
• "Wolf" who works in E-Discovery...I mean is a data destruction specialist
• Egg Man Travis promises to take care of an ostrich egg to show how he will protect Emily and Ricky. But will he guard and protect their hearts? 
• Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin
• Poutine is a French Canadian Marine Biologist living in Seattle. Honest. I swear. Ok, his name wasn't Poutine.
• Alejandro is an import/exporter from Medellin. Oh no, he's a farmer from Medellin. This is hilarious. Why don't you call him a pharmacist from Medellin. Or a speedboat driver. A pilot. I could go on all day. And night.
• Uncle Rico was a professional athlete and now lives in Augusta, Ga. A tradition like no other...WWT.

• Kalon arrived via helicopter. When I think helicopter, two things come to mind and both are amazing 80's television shows: Airwolf and Magnum PI.

 Kalon isn't cool enough to be named TC. And he isn't cool enough to be nicknamed Airwolf. He's not even cool enough to be nicknamed Ernest Borgnine. We'll work on it.

First Impressions and Roses

I fully understand there are about 2 people still reading the blog so I will get on with it and wrap this up quickly. Charlie Trauma jokes about having a titanium face - still no word on his brain. The 40 Yr Old Virgin has 6 kids. Oops. The guys toast to the "hottest mom." Emily thinks Bobblehead is super hot and SLC Jef is too cool for school, Father Doug is continuing to work that angle with a poem from his son. I keep thinking about a 12 yr old having Emily as his step mom. Things will get awkward at Father Doug's home in less than 12 months if Emily picks him. Sock laundry will also pick up. Grandy, Egg Man and the Wolf are sweating out the lack of one-on-one time. 

In a surprise, Father Doug receives the first impression rose followed by Bobblehead, Uncle Rico, Helicopter Boy, Indy Arie, Trauma Charlie, SLC Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Mr. Aaron, Escobar, Wolf, Brazilian Grain Merchant, Michael, Jersey, Plywood Tony, and the Egg Man.

Dismissed in night one were Token, 40 Yr Old Virgin, Grandy, Poutine, the Lyricist, and Fitness Jackson. 

Until next week. Let the nicknames marinate and please feel free to suggest new and/or revised ones for your ego-less authors at WWT.