The Bachelor Season 27: Episode 1: Where the Hell is Chris Harrison?

 

Yes, Dugan and Wags are back! It's been almost 4 years since our last Bachelor/ette blog post and we have decided we owed it to our devoted and rabid fans. We go again and give them what they have not asked for: our return. Ladies and Gents, to the recap!

While I gather that devoted fans are up to date on the coming and goings of Chris Harrison and Jesse Palmer, this is still new to me and takes some getting used to. Fortunately, we have Bachelor legend Sean to help introduce the Texas Tech Executive. A note on that on that Tech Executive part - I don't think Zach's career was mentioned once in the show. This is a big change over the show's multi-decade run. I have to remember that I keep getting older as a viewer while the participants stay the same age.

Dugan watching the Bachelor

Zach Facts

• Tall
• Texan
• Played college football for Cal Poly but roots for Southern Cal. Most of our fans know this could be problematic for Wags and I but he totally redeemed himself with the former college DJ thing.
• He seems like a genuine guy and here for the right reasons. 

Let's meet the Women!

Bailey is a 27 year old executive recruiter from Nashville. Something is going on with her eyes, can't tell if good or crazy or both.

Katherine is a 27 year old Registered Nurse from Tampa that's giving off some Gisele vibes.

Christina Mandrell is a 26 year old content creator from Nashville with a 5 year old daughter. I'm fairly certain the target audience of this show has no idea who Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters are but they are legit famous. Her aunt Barbara is one of a few women to win the Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award, and one of only two women (alongside Taylor Swift) to win the award twice. This is a long way of saying that "the Mandrell Daughter" may not be here for the right reasons.

Charity - is a 26 year olf children’s therapist from Columbus, GA.

Greer - is a 24 year old Medical Sales Rep from Houston, TX who does not know how to open champagne. No, you do not shake it to open.

Contents Under Pressure

Brooklyn - was born in Texas, lives in Stillwater and is named after an NYC borough. Are you confused yet? It gets weirder. She is a 25 year old "rodeo racer.”

Brianna - is a 24 year old Entrepreneur from Jersey City! What what, Jersey in the House! She also received the first impression rose from America, owns a beauty company and models and has Caribbean roots.

Kaity - is one of those old looking 27 year olds from Austin Texas. She's an ER nurse who managed to bring up her ex and cheating immediately.

The Universe is speaking to you, Zach.

It's Limo Time and we get to meet more young ladies.

• Jess is a 23 year old from Central Florida who may have been glitter bombed in the limo.
• Ariel is a 28 marketing exec from NYC who whined about her travel drama. I see you, Ariel, I feel you.
• Charity explains that her name “means love.” It does? I thought it meant "charity"
• Davia is a 25 year old marketing manager from Charleston SC who was giving off strong M3GAN vibes.

No, Davia, I do not.

• Gabi is a 25 year old account executive from Vermont! I always root for the obscure location girls and she brought maple syrup but Zach does not appear to eat carbs (he's missing out, TBH).
• Greer who we met earlier brings coffee because its going to be a long night. Barista Greer could be winning me over with this move, and we find out later she wins over Zach as well.
• Viktoria is a 29 year old nanny from Vienna, Austria. Nannies like this only exist on television and men's fantasies.
• Madison Oh, sweet sweet Madison, Thank you for your appearance. She's a 26 year old “business owner” from Fargo, North Dakota. Much more on Madison later. Ooftah.
• Aly is a 26 year old healthcare strategist from Houston, TX.
• Anastasia is a 30 year old content marketing manager from San Diego. You know why Anastasia rules? She rocked a pant suit instead of the dress. Standing out in a good way, Anastasia.
• Cat is a 26 year old dancer from NY with scary eyes big eyes and attitude. 
• Bailey is 27 and "wasn't expecting him to remember my name…” while she was wearing a name tag. READ THAT AGAIN. Did she not think Zach can read? 

• Genevie is a 27 year old neo natal nurse from Baltimore - this makes more sense why she was having him change a baby later. 
• Katherine  is a 26 year old RN from Fla who gives off Gisele vibes. She's going to go far this season. 
• Vanessa is a 23 year old restaurant marketer from Baton Rouge who showed up with a trumpet player. Sad trombone would have been more appropriate.

• Kimberly is a 30 year old hospitality manager from LA. She's just a local girl they need on the show so they have people to get cut. 
• Olivia M is a 25 year old hair stylist from Cincinnati, Ohio. Montgomery Inn, Skyline Chili and Joe Burrow for the win!!!
• Victoria J is a 30 year old make up artist from Fort Worth, Texas - how is that different than Stylist? Do stylists and make up artists overlap? What's different about those jobs. Please help me.
• Kylee is a 25 year old postpartum nurse from Charlotte NC. Lots of nurses and content creator/marketers this season.
• Lekha - "Hey, I barely know ya!" is a 29 year old financial advisor from Miami, Fla. 

Clearly we haven't been working on our material. 

• Holland is a 24 year old insurance marketer from Boca who lasts just long enough to embarrass herself and her family. Congrats?
• Mercedes is a 24 year old non profit case manager and former pig farmer from Bloomfield, Iowa. 
• The Mandrell Daughter shows up on a party bus.
• Sonia is a 29 year old project manager from Long Island.
• Becca is a 25 year old nursing student from Burbank. Confession: the blog has a soft spot for nursing students from California.
• Cara is a 27 year old recruiting coordinator from Pittsburgh, PA.
• Olivia L - is a 24 year old patient care tech from Rochester, NY.

Dugan's Quotes of the Night

1. Jersey City Brianna: “I’m not here for the roses, I’m here for your heart”
2. Bachelor Zach: “I'm Just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizza”
3. Bachelor Zach: “I want to kiss you if that’s okay with you?” He did this a few times. Is this another millennial thing that I am unfamiliar with because I'm old? Is this like an informed consent thing? Or is he just awkward and I'm not crazy.
4. Madison in response to "what are you drinking?" "NOT ENOUGH!"
5. Madison: "I just want to be wanted." Just sad and pathetic enough. Art.
6. Cat: "“If I don’t get this rose, I’m burning this house down” 

Drama Ahead

Kaity and the Mandrell Daughter are going to BRING IT this season. Mandrell is wearing the same dress as another girl. Never good. Kaity admits she will get jealous - good thing you are dating a guy with 30 other women simultaneously. She also gets an early kiss.

Live Look at Madison Trying to wedge her way in to the Drama.

Meatball Games

You know a game I've never played but Cat and Zach have? “How many meatballs can you if it in your mouth?”

You ask who lost? America. America lost.

My Kingdom for a Madison

Why we blog.

Thank you, Madison. I was hesitant to return but your performance in the opener made it all make sense. You had your one-on-one time which you described as "electric" which put you on "cloud nine" and its all "so exciting" because "he's so genuine." The cutaways to a disinterested Zach are truly Chef's kiss material. Bravo, Bachelor producers, bravo!

Next level bad.

Determined to get a night one kiss, Madison interrupts his time with another girl and does the worst griddy since Mike Gesicki of the Miami Dolphins. She gets the kiss. Madison's only saving grace was admitting the kiss was terrible. At least she had that minimal amount of self awareness....until the drinks got to her because the self awareness vanished. Madison is dumbstruck when Greer receives the first impression rose. HOW IS SHE SURPRISED? HOW DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO GET IT? WHAT IS HAPPENING? After the second interruption, Zach has had enough. He let's her off kind of easy, kind of harshly: “Don’t see a future with us but still think you’re awesome.”

Buh Bye.

Rose Time 

We know Brianna and Greer are safe. Joining them will be:

• Mandrell Daughter
• Charity
• Bailey
• Glitter bomb Jess
• Genevie 
• Davia, aka M3GAN 
• Aly 
• Rodeo Brooklyn
• Kaity 
• Anastasia 
• Kylee 
• Gabi
• Katherine aka Gisele
• Mercedes
• Ariel aka Under the Sea
• Nanny Viktoria 
• Kimberly
• Cat gets the final rose and the mansion is saved!

Goodbye to filler and same dress girl, Lekha but barely know ya, and Holland by way of Boca. Until next week and Wags' return.

It's good to be back.

Prince Farming Premiere: He's Here For The Right Reasons

Ok friends and fans, we are back. It's late here on the East Coast but nothing provides a caffeine boost like the Bachelor premiere. We are back with Chris Soules, the Iowa Farmer who fell short on Bachelorette Andi's season.

We have a red carpet opening to begin the show and host Chris Harrison is trying to hammer home that "Prince Farming" will return the honor and glory to the besmirched Bachelor franchise due to Juan Pablo's season. Sadly, DirecTv was less excited about Farmer Chris and decided to stick with Juan Pablo's head shot instead.

Let's get everyone up to speed. Chris is a 33 yr old, 4th generation farmer whose family operates a 6,000 acre farm consisting mostly of Alfalfa, Soy Beans and Pigs. Chris is a lonely guy in a town of about 400 people.

Do you want to see how small Arlington, Iowa is? Click here.

But the population this summer swole up, Bro. The ALBINO RHINO hit up Arlington, opened a Hooters and tanning booth and trained Farmer Chris into Bachelor shape.

NEWSFLASH - The Bachelor broke Twitter. I have to assume people are excited about the blog. Was it the NBA trade? Notre Dame's 15-1 start after beating UNC? North Korea?

Let's move on and meet the ladies vying to be the Farmer's Hoe. We will introduce them to the WWT readers as they entered the show. All nicknames are to be considered in production at this time. This is a fluid process and names may change. Wags and I welcome suggestions in the comments. Some of the notes used below are available at the bios website on the ABC homepage for the show.

LIMO #1

Britt is a 27 yr old waitress from Hollywood. She gives a strong entrance hug, passes a note, and is an early favorite to go far per Mrs. Dugan.
Nurse Whitney is a 29 yr old fertility nurse from Chicago. She appears to be a super fan and the crazy force is strong with this one.
Kelsey, aka the Widowmaker, is a 28 yr old Guidance Counselor from Austin, Texas. Considering her name is Kelsey and she's a counselor, I also thought about calling her Frazier.

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls.

Anyone who has What About Bob? in their top 3 movies can do no wrong in my book. I'm a Widowmaker fan until the end.

Megan is a 24 yr old makeup artist and my guess to make it the furthest without the audience knowing ANYTHING about her.
Jersey Ashley is a 26 yr old Freelance Journalist from Wayne, NJ

***BIO ALERT*** Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.

• I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.

Honest question. Can 26 yr old women be cougars?

LIMO #2

Trina is a 33 yr old special ed teacher from San Clemente, CA
Reegan, aka Biohazard, brings the tell tale heart to the Farmer. She's a 28 yr old donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, CA
Hurricane Tara is a proud South Floridian who struts into the Bachelor mansion in daisy dukes and a casual shirt and drinks whiskey on the rocks. Hurricane Tara also claims to be a Sport Fishing Enthusiast as her job. I don't even know where to begin. Honest. I don't.
Amber, is a 29 yr old bartender from Chicago

***BIO ALERT*** Top 3 all-time favorite movies?

• The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. 
• That's odd, I thought “Blackish” was on ABC Wednesday nights. 

Nikki, aka Former Cheerleader Nikki, is a 26 yr old, get this, Former NFL Cheerleader from New York City

LIMO #3 – Warning - No other limo is going to top this group of nicknames

We have Crazy Amanda, the 24 yr old Ballet Teacher in the Jasminesque outfit from Illinois. She brings some heat in Dugan's weekly Quote Of The Night (QOTN) game. Due to Crazy Amanda's outfit and actions, she has been dubbed Belly Dancing Hasselbeck, or BDH, for short.

BDH QOTN attempts:

1. Hey, BDH, why are you still single? BDH: "I'm fucking crazy”
2. "I don’t like bills or cleaning"
3. "His smile is panty dropping”

Please stay on this season long, Belly Dancing Hasselback.

Jillian, aka Crossfit, is a ripped 25 yr old news producer from the nation's capital.
Mackenzie, aka Ferngully, is a 21 yr old dental assistant from Washington State.
Ashley S, aka Shrek (more on that later), is a 24 yr old hair stylist from Brooklyn. Shrek goes on a tirade about people and onions and layers. She's Shrek.



Kaitlyn, aka Rickles,  is a 29 yr old dance instructor from Vancouver.

Her upfront demeanor brought out the QOTN and the exchange of the night between Rickles and the Farmer.

Rickles: "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” ***winner, winner, chicken dinner***
Chris: “Didn’t see that coming.”

***BIO ALERT*** If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?

• Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.

LIMO #4

Samantha is a 27 yr old fashion designer from Los Angeles, CA
Michelle is a 25 yd old wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah.

***BIO ALERT*** Describe your idea of the ultimate date.

• A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.

You are on the right show. "Helicopter ride over volcano" is standard bachelor fare.

Juelia is a 30 yr old esthetician (fancy way of saying makeup artist?) from Portland, OR

Becca is a 25 yr old chiropractic assistant from San Diego
Tandra is a 30 yr old exec assistant from Sandy, UT, who rides in on a motorcycle.

LIMO #5

Alissa, aka Crash Test Dummy is a 24yr old flight attendant from Hamilton, NJ. She wants everyone buckled up and safe, including Chris.

Jordan is a 24 yr old student from Colorado who brings Whiskey. They must be fans of Wags blogging weeks.
Nicole, aka Ned Beatty or Ginger,  is a 31 yr old real estate agent who wore a pig nose and dropped this sweet pun: “I wanted to ham it up for you.” I love bad puns so I am in Ned Beatty's camp.
Brittany is a 26 yr old WWE Diva from Orlando because Florida.
Carly, aka Carly Rae is a 26 yr old  cruise ship singer from the Arlington people have heard of.

***BIO ALERT*** What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

• I had to be a pirate watcher from midnight to 4am in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct...actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)

We need to get Carly Rae and Rickles together on YARRRLAND (see above and pay better attention next time.)

LIMO #6
Tracy, aka Hot For Teacher is an attractive 29 yr old teacher from Wellington, FL. She is a Dugan pick to go final 3.
Bo, aka She Ate Me I, is a 25 yr old plus size model from California.
Kimberly, aka She Ate Me II is a 28 yr old yoga instructor from Strong Island with a completely unfair nickname but She Ate Me I always needs a She Ate Me II.
Kara is a 25 yr old soccer coach from Brownsville, KY
Jade may have saved the best for last and is a 28 yr old cosmetics developer from LA.

Party and Rose Ceremony

He can’t remember their names? Neither can we – that’s why we use nicknames.

• Someone has a 6 and 7 yr old
• Carly Rae is bringing the random Iowa criminal code trivia. Interesting choice, Carly Rae.
• Rickles can also breakdance
• Hot For Teacher is concerned about becoming a cat lady. She brought this up multiple times.
• Shrek goes on her onion rants, among others. 
• Ferngully likes to water color. Of course she does.
• Hurricane Tara is gaining strength in the Pacific.
• Mrs. Dugan has a good eye and Britt walks with the First Impression Rose.

Rose Ceremony

29 girls left and 21 more roses to be handed out. Britt is safe with the First Impression Rose. Who is joining her?

Rickles
Jade
Samantha
Jersey Ashley
Tandra
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Widowmaker
Megan
Crash Test Dummy
Blackish
Juelia
Becca L
Trina
Ferngully
Hot For Teacher
Hurricane Tara
Jordan
Crossfit
Nurse Whitney
Carly Rae
Shrek



Ginger
Belly Dancing Hasselbeck.
Kara.
She Ate Me II
She Ate Me I
WWE Diva
Amber
Biohazard

Until next week when Wags takes the reigns and tries to return order to WWT.

Episode I: Step aside, Michelle.

Crazy [krey-zee] adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural -zies.

1. mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2. senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.