The Bachelor Season 27: Episode 1: Where the Hell is Chris Harrison?

 

Yes, Dugan and Wags are back! It's been almost 4 years since our last Bachelor/ette blog post and we have decided we owed it to our devoted and rabid fans. We go again and give them what they have not asked for: our return. Ladies and Gents, to the recap!

While I gather that devoted fans are up to date on the coming and goings of Chris Harrison and Jesse Palmer, this is still new to me and takes some getting used to. Fortunately, we have Bachelor legend Sean to help introduce the Texas Tech Executive. A note on that on that Tech Executive part - I don't think Zach's career was mentioned once in the show. This is a big change over the show's multi-decade run. I have to remember that I keep getting older as a viewer while the participants stay the same age.

Dugan watching the Bachelor

Zach Facts

• Tall
• Texan
• Played college football for Cal Poly but roots for Southern Cal. Most of our fans know this could be problematic for Wags and I but he totally redeemed himself with the former college DJ thing.
• He seems like a genuine guy and here for the right reasons. 

Let's meet the Women!

Bailey is a 27 year old executive recruiter from Nashville. Something is going on with her eyes, can't tell if good or crazy or both.

Katherine is a 27 year old Registered Nurse from Tampa that's giving off some Gisele vibes.

Christina Mandrell is a 26 year old content creator from Nashville with a 5 year old daughter. I'm fairly certain the target audience of this show has no idea who Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters are but they are legit famous. Her aunt Barbara is one of a few women to win the Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award, and one of only two women (alongside Taylor Swift) to win the award twice. This is a long way of saying that "the Mandrell Daughter" may not be here for the right reasons.

Charity - is a 26 year olf children’s therapist from Columbus, GA.

Greer - is a 24 year old Medical Sales Rep from Houston, TX who does not know how to open champagne. No, you do not shake it to open.

Contents Under Pressure

Brooklyn - was born in Texas, lives in Stillwater and is named after an NYC borough. Are you confused yet? It gets weirder. She is a 25 year old "rodeo racer.”

Brianna - is a 24 year old Entrepreneur from Jersey City! What what, Jersey in the House! She also received the first impression rose from America, owns a beauty company and models and has Caribbean roots.

Kaity - is one of those old looking 27 year olds from Austin Texas. She's an ER nurse who managed to bring up her ex and cheating immediately.

The Universe is speaking to you, Zach.

It's Limo Time and we get to meet more young ladies.

• Jess is a 23 year old from Central Florida who may have been glitter bombed in the limo.
• Ariel is a 28 marketing exec from NYC who whined about her travel drama. I see you, Ariel, I feel you.
• Charity explains that her name “means love.” It does? I thought it meant "charity"
• Davia is a 25 year old marketing manager from Charleston SC who was giving off strong M3GAN vibes.

No, Davia, I do not.

• Gabi is a 25 year old account executive from Vermont! I always root for the obscure location girls and she brought maple syrup but Zach does not appear to eat carbs (he's missing out, TBH).
• Greer who we met earlier brings coffee because its going to be a long night. Barista Greer could be winning me over with this move, and we find out later she wins over Zach as well.
• Viktoria is a 29 year old nanny from Vienna, Austria. Nannies like this only exist on television and men's fantasies.
• Madison Oh, sweet sweet Madison, Thank you for your appearance. She's a 26 year old “business owner” from Fargo, North Dakota. Much more on Madison later. Ooftah.
• Aly is a 26 year old healthcare strategist from Houston, TX.
• Anastasia is a 30 year old content marketing manager from San Diego. You know why Anastasia rules? She rocked a pant suit instead of the dress. Standing out in a good way, Anastasia.
• Cat is a 26 year old dancer from NY with scary eyes big eyes and attitude. 
• Bailey is 27 and "wasn't expecting him to remember my name…” while she was wearing a name tag. READ THAT AGAIN. Did she not think Zach can read? 

• Genevie is a 27 year old neo natal nurse from Baltimore - this makes more sense why she was having him change a baby later. 
• Katherine  is a 26 year old RN from Fla who gives off Gisele vibes. She's going to go far this season. 
• Vanessa is a 23 year old restaurant marketer from Baton Rouge who showed up with a trumpet player. Sad trombone would have been more appropriate.

• Kimberly is a 30 year old hospitality manager from LA. She's just a local girl they need on the show so they have people to get cut. 
• Olivia M is a 25 year old hair stylist from Cincinnati, Ohio. Montgomery Inn, Skyline Chili and Joe Burrow for the win!!!
• Victoria J is a 30 year old make up artist from Fort Worth, Texas - how is that different than Stylist? Do stylists and make up artists overlap? What's different about those jobs. Please help me.
• Kylee is a 25 year old postpartum nurse from Charlotte NC. Lots of nurses and content creator/marketers this season.
• Lekha - "Hey, I barely know ya!" is a 29 year old financial advisor from Miami, Fla. 

Clearly we haven't been working on our material. 

• Holland is a 24 year old insurance marketer from Boca who lasts just long enough to embarrass herself and her family. Congrats?
• Mercedes is a 24 year old non profit case manager and former pig farmer from Bloomfield, Iowa. 
• The Mandrell Daughter shows up on a party bus.
• Sonia is a 29 year old project manager from Long Island.
• Becca is a 25 year old nursing student from Burbank. Confession: the blog has a soft spot for nursing students from California.
• Cara is a 27 year old recruiting coordinator from Pittsburgh, PA.
• Olivia L - is a 24 year old patient care tech from Rochester, NY.

Dugan's Quotes of the Night

1. Jersey City Brianna: “I’m not here for the roses, I’m here for your heart”
2. Bachelor Zach: “I'm Just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizza”
3. Bachelor Zach: “I want to kiss you if that’s okay with you?” He did this a few times. Is this another millennial thing that I am unfamiliar with because I'm old? Is this like an informed consent thing? Or is he just awkward and I'm not crazy.
4. Madison in response to "what are you drinking?" "NOT ENOUGH!"
5. Madison: "I just want to be wanted." Just sad and pathetic enough. Art.
6. Cat: "“If I don’t get this rose, I’m burning this house down” 

Drama Ahead

Kaity and the Mandrell Daughter are going to BRING IT this season. Mandrell is wearing the same dress as another girl. Never good. Kaity admits she will get jealous - good thing you are dating a guy with 30 other women simultaneously. She also gets an early kiss.

Live Look at Madison Trying to wedge her way in to the Drama.

Meatball Games

You know a game I've never played but Cat and Zach have? “How many meatballs can you if it in your mouth?”

You ask who lost? America. America lost.

My Kingdom for a Madison

Why we blog.

Thank you, Madison. I was hesitant to return but your performance in the opener made it all make sense. You had your one-on-one time which you described as "electric" which put you on "cloud nine" and its all "so exciting" because "he's so genuine." The cutaways to a disinterested Zach are truly Chef's kiss material. Bravo, Bachelor producers, bravo!

Next level bad.

Determined to get a night one kiss, Madison interrupts his time with another girl and does the worst griddy since Mike Gesicki of the Miami Dolphins. She gets the kiss. Madison's only saving grace was admitting the kiss was terrible. At least she had that minimal amount of self awareness....until the drinks got to her because the self awareness vanished. Madison is dumbstruck when Greer receives the first impression rose. HOW IS SHE SURPRISED? HOW DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO GET IT? WHAT IS HAPPENING? After the second interruption, Zach has had enough. He let's her off kind of easy, kind of harshly: “Don’t see a future with us but still think you’re awesome.”

Buh Bye.

Rose Time 

We know Brianna and Greer are safe. Joining them will be:

• Mandrell Daughter
• Charity
• Bailey
• Glitter bomb Jess
• Genevie 
• Davia, aka M3GAN 
• Aly 
• Rodeo Brooklyn
• Kaity 
• Anastasia 
• Kylee 
• Gabi
• Katherine aka Gisele
• Mercedes
• Ariel aka Under the Sea
• Nanny Viktoria 
• Kimberly
• Cat gets the final rose and the mansion is saved!

Goodbye to filler and same dress girl, Lekha but barely know ya, and Holland by way of Boca. Until next week and Wags' return.

It's good to be back.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (about Rozlyn)

The night began as it normally does in the Dugan Household, with the DVR diligently recording the Bachelor as I watch some other shows to satisfy man code (foreshadowing a Juan appearance later in blog).  And wow, was that pairs ice dancing something to watch.  The Russians received a medal, as they have every year  ice dancing has been a recognized Olympic sport, edging the Americans for Bronze as the Canadians were triumphant on home ice.  Thrilling!

Ali's Time to Explain

Then the power surged in the Dugan household.  Uh oh. DirecTV takes a while to cycle through and I ran to the supplemental tv to turn on Comcast in order to not miss a thing on the Bachelor: Women Tell All.  So, we began our viewing roughly an hour into the program with Ali's heartfelt interview with Chris Harrison. Ali blames her fears for leaving the show, explaining that she was scared of being heartbroken, mounting bills, etc.  Ali even took the high road when discussing rival Vienna with a shout-out to her rough tabloid coverage.  Ali let out a bombshell that I think was glossed over:

"If I know what I know now...I would have stayed."

What the hell happens on the finale?  Or after the Final Rose? As Jake told Kevin Fraser, we are about to get some more drama in the next couple weeks.

Elizabeth, this season's "Tori Spelling" candidate


Chris Harrison calls Elizabeth the ultimate game player and wants to find out why she played the no kissie-face game.  Who cares, after Jake drops the second bombshell of the show (perhaps not linearly due to FPL issues). Jake says he respected Tori because he had friends whose first kiss was at their wedding.  First kiss? Wedding? Is this really done? Does Jake live in Kabul, Texas? Dugan is flabbergasted.  As Jake explains that games have ruined more relationships than he would like to remember, Mrs. Dugan and I tried to think of the games Jake was alluding to...I voted Tiddly Winks, Mrs. D went with hide and seek, any thoughts from the WWT fans?

And yes, that is a link to the North American Tiddly Winks Association.  If the 15 followers of this blog click on that link, we could shut their massive server down.

Bachelor goes Real World/Road Rules on us


As has been discussed numerous times, we believe people go on the show as contestants (1 of the 25) to eventually become the one choosing.  But it turns out, people go on the show just to get into the Bachelor Reunion parties.  We got to see the old gang of favorites including No Job Rob still mixing up drinks, Erica still judging, Blond Natalie from Mesnick's season still thinking highly of herself, Kiptyn who thinks he could have kept Rozlyn's interest and a great quote from Wes: "I've kind of had my fair share of hot chicks..."

Bachelor goes United Way on us


Next, the women tell all shows how much the Bachelor cares by having former contestants chip in time and effort with local charities.  The kids from Vine Street Elementary (which this review from Yelp says is "OK" and is hampered by having to translate everything into that damn Spanish) helped paint lifeguard stands.  Mrs. Dugan and I thought that the kids were having fun but confused by who the hell they were painting with. Where are people we know like Kobe or Shaq?

Wags was not feeling sorry for the kids. These were the luckiest kids in the United States.  They might as well all be cancer kids on a "Make a Wish Foundation" outing.  They got to hang out with Breakdancing Michael. I also think DeAnna is questionably racist.  She called every little boy in there Carlos.  That's pretty dick, DeAnna.

And Juan proved his man-card by handing out food with only female bachelorettes.  And now comes the real question, who has fewer male friends, Juan or Jake?

Gia/Michelle


Gia regrets not telling Jake her true feelings.  You don't say?

I missed Crazy Eyes' segment due to FPL so please feel free to help out in the comments section.

Rozlyn's a Bad Liar


How much money do we think Rozlyn received to be part of the Women Tell All episode?  After being called out by Gia, Ashleigh, Jessie and fellow Moms Ella and Valishia, Rozlyn denies all and says they didn't see what they saw. Chris Harrison compares Roz' lies to his son's fairytales about unicorns - a classic - and recommends "the simplest story is the truth."

Gia makes an obvious point by telling Rozlyn that she could have just admitted she had feelings for producer X, aka Ryan Callahan pictured below in traditional New Zealand garb, and everyone would have understood.  Instead, Rozlyn stood her ground and called all the women liars...

and then goes after our fearless leader, Chris Harrison.  Roz alludes to Chris making passes at Ryan's wife while in New Zealand and Chris wisely does not dignify her with a response.  What could have been a beautiful love story has turned caddy and tragic.  Much like in pairs ice dancing when a fall is blamed on one partner and ruins the rest of the routine...

Next week is the finale...and you'll be back in the safe hands of Wags.