The Bachelor Episode 7: What an Event

It's Sunday night and time to kick off 5 hours of The Bachelor in the next two nights.  I'm not sure why Fleiss and Co. have made this programming choice.  My guess is they are aware that most of the country looks like this:

Buffalo?  Buffa-no thank you.

Those of us in more temperate parts of the country (Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I), have lots of BBQs to attend while wearing shorts and discussing the glory of being able to go to the beach in the winter.  We don't have 5 hours to watch a two night television "event."

It's not actually us.

Who am I kidding?  We'll be watching all 5 hours.  On that note, I have had a little sniffle, so tonight I'll be having an apple brandy Hot Toddy.    

Okay, on to the show.  It's 8 pm and I'm ready for some hometown dates.  Wait a second!  It turns out that the first hour of tonight's episode is a "Chris Tells All" recap of the season.  I'm no mathematician, but this means that the actual episode doesn't start until 9 pm.  It's a good thing I'm celebrating President's Day tomorrow by relaxing and playing video games for 8 straight hours.  

Now that I've wasted the last hour of my life, we can officially begin the recap.

Chris started off quickly with a QOTN nominee.  "It's been a roller coaster ride in Deadwood...I had a group date with Big and Rich and the girls."  This is what I love about reality television.  It's just so real.

As I was typing, No IQ Megan asked Chris how he saw their relationship going.  After mumbling a few words, Chris then sent her home.  At the current breakup rate, tomorrow night might actually be the season finale.  

After No IQ left, everyone (including me), assumed that the carnage was over.  Thankfully, Chris Harrison, our trusty leader and spiritual adviser, had other ideas.  He announced that there would still be a rose ceremony.  I googled "chris harrison dreams" and this is what I found:

For the first time all season, Chris stood up to Fleiss and Co. and said he would not have a rose ceremony because he feels so strongly for all six women.  These ladies are so lucky.  

Solo Date #1: Jade

Chris took all the women home to the farmstead in Arlington, Iowa.  The women seemed so excited.  Chris also seemed excited...to talk to his cow Bessie.  Impressively, Chris is much better at forming full sentences when speaking to ungulates (how do you like that big word, Widowmaker!?).

Jade had the first date in Iowa, also known as the "see-how-good-you-are-at-pretending-to-be-excited-to-be-in-Iowa" date.  

Chris started off the date at his house.  They went into the backyard.  His backyard might actually be the size of San Francisco.  Chris recognized this fact by stating, "I love land, owning it and working with it."  Jade on the other hand, is not sure that she could spend her life there.  Why could she ever think that?  There are no jobs, movie theaters, bars, cafes, or restaurants.  This is real.  And for Jade, this is too real.  

Don't worry Jade, there's good news.  Your first home purchase as a couple should go smoothly:

http://www.trulia.com/property/3170595876-622-Upper-St-Arlington-IA-50606

Naturally, they went to a high school football game.  Most of the crowd was somehow related to Chris.  Amazingly, Arlington proved itself to be even smaller of a town when the football players performed in the band at halftime along with the cheerleaders in street clothes.  

As they walked the halls of Chris's high school, Chris said he wanted to see Jade's wild side.  Good news Chris!  Jade has a wild side that EVERYONE can see with a simple google image search.  

In the end, Chris got a kiss from Jade on the 50 yard line.  James Van Der Beek couldn't have scripted it better himself.  

Solo Date #2: Nurse Whitney

Sadly, Nurse Whitney had the next solo date.  This means that we have to listen to her voice for an entire date.  I'm not sure I can handle her pitch.    I swear I'm not a misogynist that dislikes the sound of womens' voices.  I just dislike Whitney's voice.  

Whitney's date was in the big city of Des Moines.  Des Moines is the capital of American insurance companies.  The fun in Iowa just doesn't stop.  

Not even Flo can sell this one.

Back at the house, the other ladies took a road trip to Arlington.  When they arrived, everything was closed.  The library, market, and church.  Closed for business.  

The ladies asked a random guy standing on his front porch if there was anywhere good to eat.  He replied, "not in Arlington."  They asked him what he does.  Turns out he's the pastor at the church.  Did I mention that he was wearing a Call of Duty video game t-shirt? Arlington makes South Bend look like Paris.

On the date, Nurse Whitney got to meet a few of Chris's friends.  They seemed boring like Chris.  Chris just kept calling them his "best friends," never using their actual names. It felt like they were hired to be there.  

And I even know his name

Chris just laughed.  Mrs. Wags rewound the show three times to listen to his laugh.  "It's so stupid.  Can you hear that?!" said Mrs. Wags.  I was more concerned that Mrs. Wags rewound the show for the first time ever.  On the other hand, I have hit the rewind button approximately 1,355 times on the Bachelor.  

Group Date: Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Kaitlyn Rickles

Before the group date began, Jade decided it would be a good idea to tell Carly Rae that she was in Playboy a couple years ago.  Jade also revealed that she didn't get a chance to tell her Dad at the time, and he found out from his co-workers.  This begs the question, is Playboy even a thing anymore?  What industry does Jade's dad work in where he has multiple work colleagues that read Playboy?  

The group date was at an ice rink.  Chris was not so good on skates.  

Confession: I remember liking this movie

After the ice skating, Fav Britt said that the ladies went to Arlington without him, and she LOVED IT!  This seems like an untruth.  Though he's bad with words, Chris succinctly summed up why women like Britt win the Bachelor when he said, "I can't imagine bringing a woman like that to Arlington."  

Minutes later, Carly Rae attempted to slow down Fav Britt's roll by telling Chris that Britt is lying about her Arlington-love.  Chris confronted Fav Britt about whether she would really like Iowa.  Britt said that she's great at reinventing herself and would love to give Iowa a try. Assuming Britt wins, these statements do not bode well for a lengthy marriage.  

After expressing concern about taking Chris to her parents' house, Kaitlyn Rickles got the date rose.  When Chris returned to the room, Fav Britt gave him a death stare followed by a verbal shredding in front of the other two women.  Chris ran away from the conversation (hopefully for some emotional counseling from Harrison).  

The episode ended with Fav Britt worried that she's going home, the other women confident that Fav Britt is going home, and me wondering why this Bachelor "event" needed to be two nights long.  

Until tomorrow night, when your main man Dugan takes over.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Faux Hawk Farmer

It feels so good to be back.  It's been a night of surprises leading up to the Bachelor.  Ohio State are unexpected champions.  I enjoyed a couple (few) glasses of my favorite red blend from the Sonoma coast.  There's no ice cream in the house, and I'm too comfortable on the couch to get whiskey.  I don't know where tonight is headed, but I hope one step closer to true love for our Faux Hawk Farmer Chris.

Now that Urban Meyer is off of my TV, let's see what's happening with Less-than-urban Chris.  Last week, the episode ended with one of the women, Kimberley aka She Ate Me II, getting booted, and then breaking the rules by coming back into the house.  Predictably, she "feels like she was supposed to be here."  Chris needed to get some protocol advice from Harrison.  After consulting with Harrison, Chris decided to keep She Ate Me II.  Chris proved once again that he is one thing, and one thing only:

Chess

Before the first date, Harrison interviewed Chris and the ladies.  So far, it's pretty clear that this season will contain more Harrison and a whole lot of Chris using his outdoor shower.

Group Date #1: Jade, Tandra, Jersey Ashley, Ferngully Mackenzie, She Ate Me II, and Hurricane Tara

The first date was a pool party.  More half-naked Chris.  More chicken fights.  And, apparently, more views of back tattoos on the ladies.  

While the girls were at the pool, Megan and Jillian snuck into Chris's apartment, saw that his motorcycle was parked in his living room, tried on his helmet, and then checked the safety of the helmet by running their heads into a brick wall.  I think I should have drank the entire bottle of wine to make sense of that sequence.  

Back to the date.  Chris went from a pool party to a tractor race.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Back at the house, Juelia revealed to the other women that she has a daughter and used to be married, but her husband killed himself.  One of the other women praised her bravery for being on the show.  

The search for true love takes courage

Back on the date, Chris ended the group date early and took Ferngully on an evening one-on-one date.  All of the other women were heart broken.  Fleiss and Co. are doing everything they can to drive a wedge between the women.  

Ferngully noticed that Chris, the "farmer," once had his ears pierced. 

Iowa

The earring observation was permissible, but then Ferngully said that Chris has a big nose, and then asked if he believes in aliens.  Though maybe not the right question for a first date, I have often thought this would be an appropriate question for jury selection.  Ohhh, you believe in aliens?  You're free to leave the court room.

The date turned around when Ferngully revealed that she had a kid.  Per Bachelor rules, Ferngully got a rose after admitting that she has a one-year-old child.

Back at the house, Ferngully revealed her immaturity by kissing and telling, and telling, and telling, and telling.

Solo Date: Megan

As you now know, the group date was a tractor race.  Megan, on the other hand, got a limo ride to a private jet, to a helicopter ride.  Megan was so happy that she said, "the butterflies in my stomach are colorful and fluttering."  Megan is the best!  I think she's just a little ditzy. Maybe she shouldn't have crash tested the motorcycle helmet by slamming her head into a brick wall.  She doesn't have the brain cells to spare.

The helicopter took them to the Grand Canyon.  During a picnic on the canyon floor, Megan admitted that she almost wasn't on the show because her dad died a few short days beforehand.  Thus, she is only on the show for the right reasons.  

Of course, if you're on the Bachelor for the right reasons, you get a rose.  Megan is one of three women on the show in the makeup business.  At this point, she might be the favorite of the three.

Group Date #2: Widowmaker Kelsey, Trina, Crash Test DummyAlissa, Hot for Teacher Tracy, Crossfit Jillian, Becca, Amber, Shrek Ashley, Unbroken Juelia, Rickles, and Favorite Britt

The date started with a horror theme.  More specifically, an end-of-the-world zombie nightmare.  You might have been able to predict this, but Chris came and saved the day.  

The date was a team-based, paintball game.  They were supposed to take out zombies.  Shrek Ashley didn't understand the concept of paintball, teams, guns, life, or anything else that could lead to success on a Bachelor date.  

Chris thought all the women looked sexy while shooting zombies with a paintball gun.  That's really what I love about this show.  It's a realistic way for a guy to find a wife in a real life situation.

Back at the house, Sorority Jordan (the girl that brought whiskey shots on the first episode), drank too much and twerked against a wall.  She gives whiskey an irresponsible name (and maybe makes Hurricane Tara look sober).

On the date, Rickles did a Canadian accent.  Chris thought that was sexy.  This guy seems to think most things are sexy.  

Sexy

Sexy

Not sexy

Favorite Britt got some alone time with Chris.  She has obviously studied how to win this game show.  She told Chris that she feels like she is the only girl there and that their relationship is going well.  She's a cool, confident cucumber.  Though Favorite Britt said all the right things, Rickles got the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

During the cocktail hour, Nurse Whitney gave Chris a bottle of Iowa whiskey.  Though I find her voice to be the most annoying sound in the world, her amazing gift started to change how I feel about her.

Jersey Ashley, who described herself as a cougar on the first episode, revealed that she is a virgin.  Then she proceeded to nearly go to second base with Chris on screen.  As Ferngully eloquently stated, her actions leave us "mind boggled."  Two hours of watching this show often leave me feeling rather mindboggled.

Sorority Jordan must have continued drinking all afternoon.  She wanted to make out with Chris, but instead just stumbled over her words and made no sense.  For the second time on the episode, she made Hurricane Tara seem like a model 12 stepper.

In addition to Ferngully, Megan, and Rickles, roses went to:

Favorite Britt

The Virgin Jersey Ashley

Trina

Widowmaker

Samantha

Unbroken Juelia

Amber

Hot for Teacher Tracy

Crossfit Jillian

Jade

Some girl whose name I couldn't understand even though I rewound the show 5 times (Tandra?)

Becca

Carly Rae

Nurse Whitney

Crazy Shrek Ashley

It was a bad night for drunks, as Hurricane Tara and Sorority Jordan were joined by Second Chance Kimberley and Crash Test Dummy Alissa in getting sent home.  

Until next week, when Jimmy Kimmel cross promotes his show and Dugan's blog post.