So last night I was very excited to watch the two hour premiere of the Bachelorette, thinking it would be the only episode until next week. I had my once-a-week whiskey and ice cream. Much to my excitement (and horror), I get to celebrate tonight with an additional hour of the Bachelorette. It's double the bachelorettes and double the desserts. I guess it's technically 50% more Bachelorette and 100% more desserts. (Unrelated side note: Mrs. Wags does not seem pleased that we are turning off the Pitch Perfect marathon to watch more Bachelorette). (Related side note: Have I ever admitted on the blog that I pretty much force Mrs. Wags to watch the Bachelorette?).
Enough about me, let's figure out who our Bachelorette is going to be.
The show resumed at the cocktail party. With fifty five minutes left in the episode, Harrison revealed to Britt that the guys saw a future with Kaitlyn and not with her. Britt got in the stretch limo (excessive for one person?) and cried (shocker).
Extra leg space for Britt's tears
Harrison told Kaitlyn that she won. I feel like America also won. I take that back. She's Canadian, so North America won.
Sorry Greenland
Welder Joshua gave Kaitlyn a steel rose. She loved that he built it because it said, "I'm a man!" Kaitlyn is going to be a fun Bachelorette.
The guys started scrambling for the first impression rose. It seems like a really diverse crowd of guys, with a startling number of fitness trainers.
Tony The Dude was not as excited because he was in the "hardcore Britt" camp. He said he was confused. I think he might be confused because he has a residual concussion from that black eye.
Chris Quinn Jared admitted that he voted for Britt.
Federal Prisoner JJ said he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn. Expressing a percentage above 100% is a pet peeve of mine. Earlier he said that he was 1000% in for Britt. Apparently his tendency to lie did not get rehabilitated in prison.
Federal prison is the best
Dr. Chris Harris, DDS got the first kiss. I'll bet he has good breath because he always uses mouthwash and flosses, as required by himself.
Ugly Gosling one-upped DDS Harris by getting the first impression rose and two kisses. Mrs. Wags thinks they should just end the season now and give the final rose to Ugly Gosling.
The rose ceremony followed shortly after, proving this show really could be just one hour per week.
Rose Receivers in addition to Ugly Gosling
DDS Chris Harris
Ben H.
Federal Prisoner JJ
American Pharaoh Joe
King Koopa
Daniel
Welder Joshua
The Dude Tony
At this point, Singer Brady pulled Britt aside and interrupted the rose ceremony. There are no rules on this show. Why doesn't every dude just do whatever they want? Dugan, how about we write a strategy guide for how to succeed on this show? (We'll discuss offline).
Forget what I just wrote. Singer Brady left the show because he liked Britt more. Though I do not respect his minor league baseball career or singing career, I have to respect his exit.
Back to the roses:
Clint aka Thor
40 year old Corey (Kaitlyn used his full name when she called him up. I cannot remember this ever happening)
Jonathan
Other Cory (She used his full last name. I only remember this happening one other time in Bachelor history)
Ben C. (no full last name. I do not know what to think anymore)
Tanner Dog
HitnRun Ian
Justin
Chris Quinn Jared (Usually the last rose is the Fleiss & Co. producer pick. I think our man Chris Quinn is going to provide some crazy this season)
Early exits went to:
The Amateur Sex Coach (DAMMIT)
David
Bradley
Magic Josh (Goodbye to our first good nickname)
Overall, I am fairly pleased with the direction this season is going.
It's Sunday night and time to kick off 5 hours of The Bachelor in the next two nights. I'm not sure why Fleiss and Co. have made this programming choice. My guess is they are aware that most of the country looks like this:
Buffalo? Buffa-no thank you.
Those of us in more temperate parts of the country (Dugan, Mrs. Dugan, Mrs. Wags, and I), have lots of BBQs to attend while wearing shorts and discussing the glory of being able to go to the beach in the winter. We don't have 5 hours to watch a two night television "event."
It's not actually us.
Who am I kidding? We'll be watching all 5 hours. On that note, I have had a little sniffle, so tonight I'll be having an apple brandy Hot Toddy.
Okay, on to the show. It's 8 pm and I'm ready for some hometown dates. Wait a second! It turns out that the first hour of tonight's episode is a "Chris Tells All" recap of the season. I'm no mathematician, but this means that the actual episode doesn't start until 9 pm. It's a good thing I'm celebrating President's Day tomorrow by relaxing and playing video games for 8 straight hours.
Now that I've wasted the last hour of my life, we can officially begin the recap.
Chris started off quickly with a QOTN nominee. "It's been a roller coaster ride in Deadwood...I had a group date with Big and Rich and the girls." This is what I love about reality television. It's just so real.
As I was typing, No IQ Megan asked Chris how he saw their relationship going. After mumbling a few words, Chris then sent her home. At the current breakup rate, tomorrow night might actually be the season finale.
After No IQ left, everyone (including me), assumed that the carnage was over. Thankfully, Chris Harrison, our trusty leader and spiritual adviser, had other ideas. He announced that there would still be a rose ceremony. I googled "chris harrison dreams" and this is what I found:
For the first time all season, Chris stood up to Fleiss and Co. and said he would not have a rose ceremony because he feels so strongly for all six women. These ladies are so lucky.
Solo Date #1: Jade
Chris took all the women home to the farmstead in Arlington, Iowa. The women seemed so excited. Chris also seemed excited...to talk to his cow Bessie. Impressively, Chris is much better at forming full sentences when speaking to ungulates (how do you like that big word, Widowmaker!?).
Jade had the first date in Iowa, also known as the "see-how-good-you-are-at-pretending-to-be-excited-to-be-in-Iowa" date.
Chris started off the date at his house. They went into the backyard. His backyard might actually be the size of San Francisco. Chris recognized this fact by stating, "I love land, owning it and working with it." Jade on the other hand, is not sure that she could spend her life there. Why could she ever think that? There are no jobs, movie theaters, bars, cafes, or restaurants. This is real. And for Jade, this is too real.
Don't worry Jade, there's good news. Your first home purchase as a couple should go smoothly:
Naturally, they went to a high school football game. Most of the crowd was somehow related to Chris. Amazingly, Arlington proved itself to be even smaller of a town when the football players performed in the band at halftime along with the cheerleaders in street clothes.
As they walked the halls of Chris's high school, Chris said he wanted to see Jade's wild side. Good news Chris! Jade has a wild side that EVERYONE can see with a simple google image search.
In the end, Chris got a kiss from Jade on the 50 yard line. James Van Der Beek couldn't have scripted it better himself.
Whitney's date was in the big city of Des Moines. Des Moines is the capital of American insurance companies. The fun in Iowa just doesn't stop.
Not even Flo can sell this one.
Back at the house, the other ladies took a road trip to Arlington. When they arrived, everything was closed. The library, market, and church. Closed for business.
The ladies asked a random guy standing on his front porch if there was anywhere good to eat. He replied, "not in Arlington." They asked him what he does. Turns out he's the pastor at the church. Did I mention that he was wearing a Call of Duty video game t-shirt? Arlington makes South Bend look like Paris.
On the date, Nurse Whitney got to meet a few of Chris's friends. They seemed boring like Chris. Chris just kept calling them his "best friends," never using their actual names. It felt like they were hired to be there.
And I even know his name
Chris just laughed. Mrs. Wags rewound the show three times to listen to his laugh. "It's so stupid. Can you hear that?!" said Mrs. Wags. I was more concerned that Mrs. Wags rewound the show for the first time ever. On the other hand, I have hit the rewind button approximately 1,355 times on the Bachelor.
Group Date: Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Kaitlyn Rickles
Before the group date began, Jade decided it would be a good idea to tell Carly Rae that she was in Playboy a couple years ago. Jade also revealed that she didn't get a chance to tell her Dad at the time, and he found out from his co-workers. This begs the question, is Playboy even a thing anymore? What industry does Jade's dad work in where he has multiple work colleagues that read Playboy?
The group date was at an ice rink. Chris was not so good on skates.
Confession: I remember liking this movie
After the ice skating, Fav Britt said that the ladies went to Arlington without him, and she LOVED IT! This seems like an untruth. Though he's bad with words, Chris succinctly summed up why women like Britt win the Bachelor when he said, "I can't imagine bringing a woman like that to Arlington."
Minutes later, Carly Rae attempted to slow down Fav Britt's roll by telling Chris that Britt is lying about her Arlington-love. Chris confronted Fav Britt about whether she would really like Iowa. Britt said that she's great at reinventing herself and would love to give Iowa a try. Assuming Britt wins, these statements do not bode well for a lengthy marriage.
After expressing concern about taking Chris to her parents' house, Kaitlyn Rickles got the date rose. When Chris returned to the room, Fav Britt gave him a death stare followed by a verbal shredding in front of the other two women. Chris ran away from the conversation (hopefully for some emotional counseling from Harrison).
The episode ended with Fav Britt worried that she's going home, the other women confident that Fav Britt is going home, and me wondering why this Bachelor "event" needed to be two nights long.
Until tomorrow night, when your main man Dugan takes over.
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