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| Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh. |
The episode started with Chris declaring that Santa Fe, New Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love. It also has lots of mountains.
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| Santa Fe is for lovers. |
Did you know that Maculate Virgin Ashley is a virgin? If you didn't, she reminded us within her first three words. Please send her home.
Solo Date #1: Carly Rae
Chris and Carly began their date by walking through a mansion with no one in it. When they arrived in the backyard, a woman was meditating. Carly said that a meditating woman was the "last thing she expected to see."
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| Maybe this would be the last thing you'd expect to see? |
Turns out the woman in the backyard was a love guru. She tried to get Carly and Chris to relax and touch each other gently. Carly and Chris acted like they were freshman at a single sex high school. If you haven't experienced the awkwardness of freshman year at a single sex school, please let me refer you to my pimples and no girls talking to me.
Fleiss and Co. like to pretend that the bachelor chooses and plans the dates. The love/sex guru date proved that Chris has nothing to do with choosing these dates.
The date became more comfortable once Chris and Carly started breathing on each other. Recommendation: don't do this after drinking a glass of Dewars.
Back at the house, Widowmaker Kelsey told the story of how her husband walked to work one day and then dropped dead. Strangely, she couldn't remember the cause of death. Congestive heart failure, she seemed to recall. This is more depressing than a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial.
Back on the date, Carly said she hadn't been intimate with someone for a year and a half. Her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her. I did a little research and found a picture of Carly's ex:
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| It's not you, it's me. |
Chris made Carly feel better by giving her a rose. Chris then said he thinks Carly "could be the best wife anyone could ask for." So should we just stop the show now? Fantasy suites, who needs 'em?
Group Date: Jade, No IQ Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Nurse Whitney, Ferngully Mackenzie, Hugs Becca, Samantha, Widowmaker Kelsey, and Maculate Virgin Ashley
The group date was white water rafting on the Rio Grande. No IQ Megan expressed concern about what might be in the water. There could be "alligators...or dead bodies."
While rafting, Jade fell in the cold water. In a twist of fate, it turns out that Jade has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures. It's almost like this show is scripted. Good news though, the cure to her "condition" was a foot rub.
While wandering around the hotel with cameras on him, Jordan approached him. It's okay if you don't remember Jordan because Chris eliminated her in week 2 because she drank too much. When Chris told her that she drank too much on the show, Eliminated Jordan said, "to be honest, it's something that still gets the best of me." (QOTN nominee).
Chris then allowed Jordan to join in on the group date. The other women were understandably furious. On the other hand, there should be no question in any of their minds that Fleiss and Co. forced Chris to keep Eliminated Jordan on the date.
After all of the women decried Chris's decision to keep Jordan on the date, Chris sent Jordan home. Shocker. On a scale of 1 to 10, this date was a boring.
The date rose went to the woman that seems like she's "truly there for the right reasons," Nurse Whitney.
Solo Date #2: Favorite Britt
Favorite Britt's date card said that the "sky's the limit." Britt broke into tears. It turns out that Britt is terrified of heights. It's almost like this show is scripted.
On the day of the date, Chris snuck into the room at 4:30 am to surprise Britt. Britt was in full makeup, so she didn't seem caught off guard. Carly Rae revealed that Britt always sleeps in full makeup for situations like this.
The date was not sky diving, but rather hot air ballooning. Though Britt claimed that a roller coaster would terrify her because of heights, she had no problem getting in a hot air balloon.
Back on the date, Britt said she honestly wants 100 kids. Honestly. She either doesn't know what the word honest means, or she failed science class miserably.
Favorite Britt got the date rose.
Rose Ceremony
Before the rose ceremony, Widowmaker Kelsey snuck into Chris's room because she had to let him know she was a widow. She stated that she couldn't be sent home without letting Chris know that she's a widow. I'm having a hard time understanding the logic of that statement. She then claimed that her story is "amazing." Whoa whoa whoa. This gal is NUTS. Mrs. Wags described her as a sociopath. So what I'm trying to say is, nice work Fleiss and Co. You producers continue to find mental health diamonds in the rough.
Still before the rose ceremony, Chris started to make a speech to the women, but got all emotional. Thankfully, he had Harrison to lean on. Harrison always knows the right thing to say.
Chris then declared that there would not be any cocktail party (the horror!). But before the rose ceremony could begin, Widowmaker Kelsey stood up, walked ten steps, and had a panic attack. While sprawled out on the floor, she declared, "I'm having a panic attack." She's really pulling out all the stops to try and secure this rose. Sadly, we'll have to wait until next week. The not-so-thrilling answers are to be continued...
Until next week when Dugan and rose ceremonies return!
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| Admittedly not my best Microsoft Paint effort |
While rafting, Jade fell in the cold water. In a twist of fate, it turns out that Jade has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures. It's almost like this show is scripted. Good news though, the cure to her "condition" was a foot rub.
While wandering around the hotel with cameras on him, Jordan approached him. It's okay if you don't remember Jordan because Chris eliminated her in week 2 because she drank too much. When Chris told her that she drank too much on the show, Eliminated Jordan said, "to be honest, it's something that still gets the best of me." (QOTN nominee).
Chris then allowed Jordan to join in on the group date. The other women were understandably furious. On the other hand, there should be no question in any of their minds that Fleiss and Co. forced Chris to keep Eliminated Jordan on the date.
After all of the women decried Chris's decision to keep Jordan on the date, Chris sent Jordan home. Shocker. On a scale of 1 to 10, this date was a boring.
The date rose went to the woman that seems like she's "truly there for the right reasons," Nurse Whitney.
Solo Date #2: Favorite Britt
Favorite Britt's date card said that the "sky's the limit." Britt broke into tears. It turns out that Britt is terrified of heights. It's almost like this show is scripted.
On the day of the date, Chris snuck into the room at 4:30 am to surprise Britt. Britt was in full makeup, so she didn't seem caught off guard. Carly Rae revealed that Britt always sleeps in full makeup for situations like this.
The date was not sky diving, but rather hot air ballooning. Though Britt claimed that a roller coaster would terrify her because of heights, she had no problem getting in a hot air balloon.
Which medical condition is more fraudulent?
Back on the date, Britt said she honestly wants 100 kids. Honestly. She either doesn't know what the word honest means, or she failed science class miserably.
Favorite Britt got the date rose.
Rose Ceremony
Before the rose ceremony, Widowmaker Kelsey snuck into Chris's room because she had to let him know she was a widow. She stated that she couldn't be sent home without letting Chris know that she's a widow. I'm having a hard time understanding the logic of that statement. She then claimed that her story is "amazing." Whoa whoa whoa. This gal is NUTS. Mrs. Wags described her as a sociopath. So what I'm trying to say is, nice work Fleiss and Co. You producers continue to find mental health diamonds in the rough.
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| That boy's head is like Sputnik |
Still before the rose ceremony, Chris started to make a speech to the women, but got all emotional. Thankfully, he had Harrison to lean on. Harrison always knows the right thing to say.
Chris then declared that there would not be any cocktail party (the horror!). But before the rose ceremony could begin, Widowmaker Kelsey stood up, walked ten steps, and had a panic attack. While sprawled out on the floor, she declared, "I'm having a panic attack." She's really pulling out all the stops to try and secure this rose. Sadly, we'll have to wait until next week. The not-so-thrilling answers are to be continued...
Until next week when Dugan and rose ceremonies return!
Posts
what a recap! i like it - the faux love title is priceless. get it - it's like "for love", and also like "fake love". does that count as a triple entendre?
ReplyDeletei think i'm legitimately terrified of kelsey. and, i'm pretty convinced she killed her husband. he died a year and a half ago and she couldn't remember HOW?
i'm guessing the producers watched her jump completely off the deep end with her vague memories of hubby's cause of death, weird direct-to-camera third person monologue, and finally holding court with the girls at the pre-cocktail party and realized the only reasonable thing to do at that point is ... drug her and call 911.
As always, you gentlemen are doing work that would make Woodward and Bernstein proud.
ReplyDeleteAnd while I respect your penchant for zero research, I felt that it needed to be made known that the Widowmaker has an imdb page. I came across this gem (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6966924/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1) when I googled the husband she killed (who HAS to have made up his name), Sanderson Poe. I always assumed you have to be in the pictures to have an imdb profile, but I guess she proved me wrong. Her "trivia" is the essence of trivia: "Was class president her freshman year of high school" and "Held her first paying job at Country Sundae, an ice cream place, in Hudsonville, Michigan."
So...how did you not mention the best line of Santa Fe...pre SF really... "I've never been out of the country before!" Thank you No IQ Megan. But really, her rack...really.
ReplyDeleteWOW! What an episode. Clearly the best of the year to date. I don't know if the show peaked early this year or we are building to a crescendo of fun.
ReplyDeleteSome rapid fire thoughts:
Megan is bringing it at a high level. The Maculate Virgin's act is wearing thin. The Widowmaker was a prescient choice. I will pick Jade in any poll quiz regardless of the question. Britt wants to be the Bachelorette so bad and isn't hiding it anymore. Carly Rae and Rickles get more likable every year. How long can Samantha last without us knowing ANYTHING about her?