The Bachelor Episode 9: Fantasy SWEET!

Welcome back WWTB family.  I just finished up my ice cream (Mexican chocolate for those keeping score at home), and I am now ready for the most romantic night of the season.  And by romantic, I mean really awkward and weird.  And by really awkward and weird, I mean Chris is a doofus.  At this point in the show, it seems that there is only one final result that makes sense:

1) Nurse Whitney - winner

2) Hugs Becca - next Bachelorette

3) Kaitlyn Rickles - Bachelor in Paradise contestant

On the other hand, Chris is just a pawn of Harrison/Lane/Fleiss & Co., so he'll just do whatever they want.  

Joke explanation: it's Chris's head on a pawn

(Interesting side note: the picture I found of Chris's face actually appears to have two giant pawns in the background.  Or maybe they're just vases...that look like pawns). 

Off to Bali

Fleiss and Co. broke the budget and took the show to Indonesia.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's all the money they saved by going to Santa Fe is really paying off.  Chris said that Bali is very different from Iowa.  In case you forgot, Chris is a farmer from Iowa.  

Kaitlyn Rickles's Date

Rickles got the first date of the love journey.  They went into a temple.  The temple doesn't allow kissing and has lots of ladies walking around with baskets on their heads.  It's not what I expected.

More like what I expected

After they left the "temple,"Chris and Rickles walked around the neighborhood. I always enjoy the Bachelor trope of visiting various tourist spots in a foreign country, encountering "locals," and commenting on how nice they are.  

A monkey then jumped on Chris's back.  I wasn't surprised because the monkey probably thought Chris was a fellow primate when it heard Chris laugh.  

At the dinner portion of the date, Rickles apologized for how she's been holding back her emotions.  I'm angry that she's been holding back an explanation for those matching bird tattoos on the back of her arms.  

When the fantasy suite invite arrived, Rickles quickly said, "I can't imagine...saying no to that."  Ready to rock and roll, apparently.  

While in the fantasy suite, Rickles said she's falling in love.  Chris shocked Bachelor historians everywhere when he said, "I am falling in love too."  This seems to be a rule violation.  I will be very interested to see if Chris says he loves all three women.  

Nurse Whitney's Date

The Nurse showed off her hops with a jumping hug.  That's nearly as important as saying you're falling in love.  

The date started with a private yacht ride in the Indian Ocean on a boat provided by the Plataran Hotel chain.  I tried to book a hotel room for TONIGHT at the hotel in Canngu.  Here's the result I got:  http://reservations.directwithhotels.com/dne.html  Soooooo, does this show even exist?  Is there a Neil Lane?  Are we all actually dead?

Nurse Whitney started apologizing for her overprotective, honest sister.  Chris told her not to sweat it.  Mrs. Wags said, "please make her stop talking."  (So we've reached this point in the season!)

During the dinner portion of the date, I became worried about my prediction of Nurse Whitney as the winner.  Chris looks like he's heard just about enough of her voice also.  

Chris informed Whitney that Chicago is 3.5 hours away from Arlington.  Mrs. Wags, apparently confused, asked if that's 3.5 hours "by airplane?"  

Nurse Whitney said she was willing to quit her job, move to Arlington, and have lots of babies.  You may be shocked to hear that she showed very little hesitation to go to the fantasy suite.  

Hugs Becca's Date

Get ready for the virgin show.  Chris started off the date by expressing his concern that Hugs has never been in love.  Uh oh.  Big surprises are in store for Chris in a few short minutes.  

Chris and Hugs went to a village and a temple.   Good news for me!  I already made a picture for a moment like this!

Temple of Deja Doom

The elders at the temple advised Chris and Hugs to "make love" on their date.  The religious leaders of Bali have a slightly different message than any priest I met during my K thru JD Catholic education.

During the evening portion of the date, Hugs advised the viewers that she is a virgin.  I'm feeling lost about what the theme of this segment has been.  

Do you think Hugs Becca is really a virgin?

Yes

No

Poll Maker

Chris told Hugs that he's falling in love with her.  (I missed if he told Nurse Whitney that he loves her.  Her voice must have pierced my eardrums).

The fantasy suite date card arrived.  Instead of admitting that she's a virgin, she said she'd like to spend some alone time in the fantasy suite.  Once in the fantasy suite, Hugs revealed her secret.  Chris nearly had a seizure, but then recovered to say that love is what matters.  Hugs was thrilled.  Maybe she won't be Hugs Becca by the end of the night. 

Wink!

The next morning, Chris and Hugs both looked broken up about how the night went.  Chris said it had to do with the possibility of regret and the fear of struggling to find love.  The Faux Hawk Farmer is getting deep on us.  

Harrison, our emotional and spiritual guide, counseled Chris.  Harrison pointed out that it's amazing that Chris could see himself spending his life with all three women.  The Bachelor: making women feel so special since 2002.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony was set up at the temple.  Harrison, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, reminded Chris, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, that he may not kiss any of the women, dressed in traditional Balinese garb, in the temple.  They look like they are more than 3.5 flight or car hours from Arlington.  

Before the ceremony began, Chris pulled Hugs aside.  Before Chris could say anything, Hugs went into full speech mode and professed her love.  Based on Chris's speaking skills, the sentiments were much more clearly stated.  Once Chris did speak, he noted that this show is about finding "true love." I heard Fleiss and Co. in the background softly whisper, "...and ratings."

Much to Nurse's and Rickles's dismay, Chris brought Hugs back to the rose ceremony.  

After Chris collected his thoughts, he gave roses to Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca.  

Kaitlyn Rickles exited without a rose, without hugging the other ladies, and without explanation.  When pressed, Chris said he "doesn't know what happened."  Typical, confused Soules.  He then went on to say, "there's no right decision."  Thatta boy!  Way to make your future fiance feel special. 

Enough tears for one night.  I've cried enough.  Next week, the women tell all.  

The Bachelor Episode 5: Faux Love

Good evening Bachelor fans.  It's Monday night and I'm feeling great.  I got Mrs. Wags to my right and Dewars and ice cream to my left.  I've been thinking about true love a lot lately, particularly the question of how one finds it.  A minute ago, Mrs. Wags said, "what's crazier than finding your one true love?"  And I think I agree.  So maybe the Bachelor, the most insane show on TV, actually is the best way to find your wife.  So just think about that for a minute.  (But don't think about it too hard because you'll probably come to the opposite conclusion).

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh.

The episode started with Chris declaring that Santa Fe, New Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love.  It also has lots of mountains.

Santa Fe is for lovers.  

No IQ Megan said that Santa Fe is going to be a "culture shock."  She realizes that she's going to the Newer version Mexico, not the older version to the south of Arizona, right?  This season might have the least intelligent contestants of all time.

Did you know that Maculate Virgin Ashley is a virgin?  If you didn't, she reminded us within her first three words.  Please send her home.  

Solo Date #1: Carly Rae

Chris and Carly began their date by walking through a mansion with no one in it.  When they arrived in the backyard, a woman was meditating.  Carly said that a meditating woman was the "last thing she expected to see."  

Maybe this would be the last thing you'd expect to see?

Turns out the woman in the backyard was a love guru.  She tried to get Carly and Chris to relax and touch each other gently.  Carly and Chris acted like they were freshman at a single sex high school.  If you haven't experienced the awkwardness of freshman year at a single sex school, please let me refer you to my pimples and no girls talking to me.  

Fleiss and Co. like to pretend that the bachelor chooses and plans the dates.  The love/sex guru date proved that Chris has nothing to do with choosing these dates.  

The date became more comfortable once Chris and Carly started breathing on each other.  Recommendation: don't do this after drinking a glass of Dewars.  

Back at the house, Widowmaker Kelsey told the story of how her husband walked to work one day and then dropped dead.  Strangely, she couldn't remember the cause of death.  Congestive heart failure, she seemed to recall.  This is more depressing than a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial.

Back on the date, Carly said she hadn't been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her.  I did a little research and found a picture of Carly's ex: 

It's not you, it's me.

Chris made Carly feel better by giving her a rose.  Chris then said he thinks Carly "could be the best wife anyone could ask for."  So should we just stop the show now?  Fantasy suites, who needs 'em?  

Group Date: Jade, No IQ Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Nurse Whitney, Ferngully Mackenzie, Hugs Becca, Samantha, Widowmaker Kelsey, and Maculate Virgin Ashley

The group date was white water rafting on the Rio Grande.  No IQ Megan expressed concern about what might be in the water.  There could be "alligators...or dead bodies."

Admittedly not my best Microsoft Paint effort

While rafting, Jade fell in the cold water.  In a twist of fate, it turns out that Jade has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures.  It's almost like this show is scripted. Good news though, the cure to her "condition" was a foot rub.

While wandering around the hotel with cameras on him, Jordan approached him.  It's okay if you don't remember Jordan because Chris eliminated her in week 2 because she drank too much.  When Chris told her that she drank too much on the show, Eliminated Jordan said, "to be honest, it's something that still gets the best of me." (QOTN nominee).

Chris then allowed Jordan to join in on the group date.  The other women were understandably furious.  On the other hand, there should be no question in any of their minds that Fleiss and Co. forced Chris to keep Eliminated Jordan on the date.

After all of the women decried Chris's decision to keep Jordan on the date, Chris sent Jordan home.  Shocker.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this date was a boring.

The date rose went to the woman that seems like she's "truly there for the right reasons," Nurse Whitney.

Solo Date #2: Favorite Britt

Favorite Britt's date card said that the "sky's the limit."  Britt broke into tears.  It turns out that Britt is terrified of heights.  It's almost like this show is scripted.

On the day of the date, Chris snuck into the room at 4:30 am to surprise Britt.  Britt was in full makeup, so she didn't seem caught off guard.  Carly Rae revealed that Britt always sleeps in full makeup for situations like this.

The date was not sky diving, but rather hot air ballooning.  Though Britt claimed that a roller coaster would terrify her because of heights, she had no problem getting in a hot air balloon.

Which medical condition is more fraudulent?

Jade's high temperature hypothermia

Britt's fear of heights

Poll Maker

Back on the date, Britt said she honestly wants 100 kids.  Honestly.   She either doesn't know what the word honest means, or she failed science class miserably.

Favorite Britt got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, Widowmaker Kelsey snuck into Chris's room because she had to let him know she was a widow.  She stated that she couldn't be sent home without letting Chris know that she's a widow.  I'm having a hard time understanding the logic of that statement.  She then claimed that her story is "amazing."  Whoa whoa whoa.  This gal is NUTS.  Mrs. Wags described her as a sociopath.  So what I'm trying to say is, nice work Fleiss and Co.  You producers continue to find mental health diamonds in the rough.

That boy's head is like Sputnik

Still before the rose ceremony, Chris started to make a speech to the women, but got all emotional.  Thankfully, he had Harrison to lean on.  Harrison always knows the right thing to say.

Chris then declared that there would not be any cocktail party (the horror!).  But before the rose ceremony could begin, Widowmaker Kelsey stood up, walked ten steps, and had a panic attack.  While sprawled out on the floor, she declared, "I'm having a panic attack."  She's really pulling out all the stops to try and secure this rose.  Sadly, we'll have to wait until next week.  The not-so-thrilling answers are to be continued...

Until next week when Dugan and rose ceremonies return!