The Bachelor Episode 5: Late and Short

As some of our faithful readers know, there have been some big changes in life for your blog authors which have derailed our usual, timely performance. Please stick with us and we will get back on track. Before I waste more of your time, let's get to the long, overdue recap:

You know why Mexico is a great country? Miguel Herrera. Enough said.

Mom Amanda with the first One-on-One

Newscaster Olivia breaks the story that Mom Amanda is, in fact, a mom. "She has children...I don't think that's what Ben wants." Olivia has found a receptive audience with shit talking Lauren Harbaugh. Harbaugh his a history of shit talking against fellow girls having already taken on GI Jubilee and now she setting her sights on the single mom.

A hot air balloon leads to a formal dinner where Mom Amanda breaks down her baby past. She was married when the oldest was six months old and baby daddy sounds like a louse. I bet baby daddy doesn't know what a "louse" is. This sob story from Mom Amanda guarantees a rose and it's time for the group date. 

Top Cocinero with GI Jubilee, Hugs Becca, JoJo Trump, Software Caila, Thing Emily, LB, Ft. Laudy Jen, Hut Hut Leah, and Newscaster Olivia

The girls need to cook recipes in Spanish and are broken up in teams of two. 

• Thing Emily is a blog favorite but her Spanish is pretty poor. 
• GI Jubilee is called "Jubes" by the girls and I laugh every time they say it. 
• Jubes is unsettled in the group atmosphere. 
• As far as the newscaster, I am reading my notes a week later and all I see is "Olivia = crazy." That about sums this cooking date up. 

Night time party with a quick recap

• Olivia with a  quick grab (surprising no one)
• Jubilee isn’t liking him walk away with other girls and is starting to break down.
• LB getting a lot of one on one time and the girls notice,
• Jubilee calling out the "LBs, JoJos, Beccas…."

And like that...she's gone.

You really need a spouse when blogging the bachelor. It helps answer a lot of initial questions and Mrs. Dugan picks up the details that I miss. Ben is bending. He appears in tars. “IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? DO WE HAVE A MESNICK?”

Mrs. Dugan: “No, he’s sitting.”

Mrs. Dugan with the save. We can't be throwing around false Mesnicks on the finest Bachelor blog in the business. JoJo offers Ben consolation but Olivia gets the producer’s rose and the girls are beginning to get caught in the Fleiss & Co. web.

Lauren Harbaugh's Fashion Date

I do love that Lauren H. has been named after coach Harbaugh since she's from Ann Arbor, Michigan and her last name starts with H. That's enough for us. Really. Obviously. Coach Harbaugh is known for his preferred choice of Docker's Khakis. I wouldn't take fashion tips from anyone on this date. The day fashion show turns into an evening dinner where Harbaugh tries to bring the sob story. She moved across the country for a boyfriend who cheated on her with her friends = rose.

Rose CeremonyWe are at the rose ceremony and GI Jubilee is already gone. Mom Amanda, Newscaster Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh have roses and are safe. The best part of the ceremony came when Mom Amanda was discussing her kids and their schedule while she's on the show. Newscaster Olivia believed it was appropriate to say the following: “I feel like its an episode of Teen Mom that I watch”

It wasn't. Mom Amanda turned into grizzly mom: "I’m an adult. I have my shit together”

Olivia begins to bully The Thing and we are continued until next week...or tonight.

The Bachelor Episode 5: Faux Love

Good evening Bachelor fans.  It's Monday night and I'm feeling great.  I got Mrs. Wags to my right and Dewars and ice cream to my left.  I've been thinking about true love a lot lately, particularly the question of how one finds it.  A minute ago, Mrs. Wags said, "what's crazier than finding your one true love?"  And I think I agree.  So maybe the Bachelor, the most insane show on TV, actually is the best way to find your wife.  So just think about that for a minute.  (But don't think about it too hard because you'll probably come to the opposite conclusion).

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh.

The episode started with Chris declaring that Santa Fe, New Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love.  It also has lots of mountains.

Santa Fe is for lovers.  

No IQ Megan said that Santa Fe is going to be a "culture shock."  She realizes that she's going to the Newer version Mexico, not the older version to the south of Arizona, right?  This season might have the least intelligent contestants of all time.

Did you know that Maculate Virgin Ashley is a virgin?  If you didn't, she reminded us within her first three words.  Please send her home.  

Solo Date #1: Carly Rae

Chris and Carly began their date by walking through a mansion with no one in it.  When they arrived in the backyard, a woman was meditating.  Carly said that a meditating woman was the "last thing she expected to see."  

Maybe this would be the last thing you'd expect to see?

Turns out the woman in the backyard was a love guru.  She tried to get Carly and Chris to relax and touch each other gently.  Carly and Chris acted like they were freshman at a single sex high school.  If you haven't experienced the awkwardness of freshman year at a single sex school, please let me refer you to my pimples and no girls talking to me.  

Fleiss and Co. like to pretend that the bachelor chooses and plans the dates.  The love/sex guru date proved that Chris has nothing to do with choosing these dates.  

The date became more comfortable once Chris and Carly started breathing on each other.  Recommendation: don't do this after drinking a glass of Dewars.  

Back at the house, Widowmaker Kelsey told the story of how her husband walked to work one day and then dropped dead.  Strangely, she couldn't remember the cause of death.  Congestive heart failure, she seemed to recall.  This is more depressing than a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial.

Back on the date, Carly said she hadn't been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her.  I did a little research and found a picture of Carly's ex: 

It's not you, it's me.

Chris made Carly feel better by giving her a rose.  Chris then said he thinks Carly "could be the best wife anyone could ask for."  So should we just stop the show now?  Fantasy suites, who needs 'em?  

Group Date: Jade, No IQ Megan, Kaitlyn Rickles, Nurse Whitney, Ferngully Mackenzie, Hugs Becca, Samantha, Widowmaker Kelsey, and Maculate Virgin Ashley

The group date was white water rafting on the Rio Grande.  No IQ Megan expressed concern about what might be in the water.  There could be "alligators...or dead bodies."

Admittedly not my best Microsoft Paint effort

While rafting, Jade fell in the cold water.  In a twist of fate, it turns out that Jade has a condition that causes her body to go into hypothermia at normal temperatures.  It's almost like this show is scripted. Good news though, the cure to her "condition" was a foot rub.

While wandering around the hotel with cameras on him, Jordan approached him.  It's okay if you don't remember Jordan because Chris eliminated her in week 2 because she drank too much.  When Chris told her that she drank too much on the show, Eliminated Jordan said, "to be honest, it's something that still gets the best of me." (QOTN nominee).

Chris then allowed Jordan to join in on the group date.  The other women were understandably furious.  On the other hand, there should be no question in any of their minds that Fleiss and Co. forced Chris to keep Eliminated Jordan on the date.

After all of the women decried Chris's decision to keep Jordan on the date, Chris sent Jordan home.  Shocker.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this date was a boring.

The date rose went to the woman that seems like she's "truly there for the right reasons," Nurse Whitney.

Solo Date #2: Favorite Britt

Favorite Britt's date card said that the "sky's the limit."  Britt broke into tears.  It turns out that Britt is terrified of heights.  It's almost like this show is scripted.

On the day of the date, Chris snuck into the room at 4:30 am to surprise Britt.  Britt was in full makeup, so she didn't seem caught off guard.  Carly Rae revealed that Britt always sleeps in full makeup for situations like this.

The date was not sky diving, but rather hot air ballooning.  Though Britt claimed that a roller coaster would terrify her because of heights, she had no problem getting in a hot air balloon.

Which medical condition is more fraudulent?

Jade's high temperature hypothermia

Britt's fear of heights

Poll Maker

Back on the date, Britt said she honestly wants 100 kids.  Honestly.   She either doesn't know what the word honest means, or she failed science class miserably.

Favorite Britt got the date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, Widowmaker Kelsey snuck into Chris's room because she had to let him know she was a widow.  She stated that she couldn't be sent home without letting Chris know that she's a widow.  I'm having a hard time understanding the logic of that statement.  She then claimed that her story is "amazing."  Whoa whoa whoa.  This gal is NUTS.  Mrs. Wags described her as a sociopath.  So what I'm trying to say is, nice work Fleiss and Co.  You producers continue to find mental health diamonds in the rough.

That boy's head is like Sputnik

Still before the rose ceremony, Chris started to make a speech to the women, but got all emotional.  Thankfully, he had Harrison to lean on.  Harrison always knows the right thing to say.

Chris then declared that there would not be any cocktail party (the horror!).  But before the rose ceremony could begin, Widowmaker Kelsey stood up, walked ten steps, and had a panic attack.  While sprawled out on the floor, she declared, "I'm having a panic attack."  She's really pulling out all the stops to try and secure this rose.  Sadly, we'll have to wait until next week.  The not-so-thrilling answers are to be continued...

Until next week when Dugan and rose ceremonies return!