The Bachelorette Episode 5: Say Yes to the Des

The show opened with previews for the drama filled night but Munich was the real star of the episode.

We join Des on her first trip to Europe with three dates: A One-on-One, Group, and the dreaded Two-on-One. Chris Harrison flexes his bilingual muscles and welcomes the guys to Germany. Drew wanted everyone to know his appropriate and favorite song.

Chris gets the first One-on-One and is having a true bounceback season. I'm willing to call Chris the single most-improved player during one season in Bachelor/ette history. However, as Paul George (who did he lose to?) can tell you, no NBA most improved player award recipient has ever won an NBA title. Does that mean Chris is doomed?

Bryden's breaking down explaining that Des' kind words in the Jersey Shore were not enough: "A quick little bandaid over a deeper wound." Yikes, hyperbole. Bryden is always thinking about Des and assumes she'd like to know about his decision to go home as soon as possible - even during her date with Chris.

Rain causes some technical issues in the Dugan house but here are my thoughts:

• Chris rocked a sausage store
• They went to try on German clothes. This is a fairly regular event for Bachelor/ettes. Readers, do you often go on dates where you try on traditional dress of the region you are visiting? I have NEVER done this. Has anyone? Do Fleiss & Co. believe the viewer finds this interesting?
• Bryden interrupts with one of the worst scripted moments in Bachelor history. Going around walking trying to find television cameras while being followed by television cameras. I wanted every single German who he asked to point at the fucking camera five feet from him as he was asking where the TV camera was.
• Pretzels and giant beers look amazing.

Zugspitze Group Date 

Juan Pablo, Big Jim, #, Shirtless Zak, Hockey Hair, and NYC Mikey trek the Highest Peak in all of Germany. The date meant that Domer Mike and Ben would have the Two-On-One and caused Domer Mike to get his game face on declaring that he will have to murder Ben. At this point, I became distracted from the group date trying to determine the number of murders in Germany and just how much Domer Mike would stand out for such an act. Here's the group date highlights:

• An ancient, misogynist yodeler tries to teach the guys yodeling tricks.
• The guys sled down the hill as NYC Mikey explains "This is no bunny hill."
• Zak drops a gem of a quote: "Love is like sledding down this hill." He really said that.
• Shirtless Zak could have been Father Zak.
• James is a favorite and some of the guys are starting to notice.
• Brooks gets the rose.

Domer Mike's Miami Heat Date, Wait what?

The Date Card asks Ben and Miami's Domer Mike to Heat things up. Oh, come on. Domer Mike Heat. . Miami Heat. Boom.

Domer Mike is in full on gladiator mode entering as the underdog against villain Father Ben. Mike brings up murder, Armageddon, and details his goals: "Ready to send this fucker home.”

The most reliable stats I could find shows that Germany had about 690 murders in a calendar year. Chicago had 506 last year. Mike, please don't murder anyone over Des. It’s depressing looking up the murder rate of US cities compared to Germany. Also, its frustrating that Domer Mike seems willing to sully the name of Domers, Floridians, Attorneys, etc for Des.

Some more quick-fire thoughts on the date:

• Polar Bear Plunge Psycheout! It's a Hot Tug where you are in a hot tub/boat contraption. 
• Mike is pretty fired up and on the offensive. Never mind, he's just offensive. 
• Mike calls out Father Ben's fathering, friendship and mass attendance skills.
• Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew and # are having a "Here for the Right Reasons" discussion. DRINK. It centers on bad boys NYC Mikey and James.
• Only a Domer would call out someone for missing mass. This is getting ridiculous.
• YET! It secures a rose. Father Ben is probably the only person that could have lost to Mike on this date. I've never seen a less likable performance secure the rose on the two-on-one.
• "That shocks me,” Mrs. Dugan.

Non-Cocktail Rose Ceremony

Chris H. wants Des to kiss and tell, but she doesn't take the bait. Chris, Hockey Hair (Congrats Blackhawks) and Domer Mike are safe with Roses.

Who is joining them? 

• Shirtless Zak
• #
• Juan Pablo (Has he been on a date this season?)
• Drew...and
• Big Jim.

Goodbye NYC Mikey from Chicago. Until next week in Barthelona.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.