The Bachelorette Episode 3: Cheers to you being a Bitch!

Friends, it's a Yoga Monday here in the Sunshine State. While much less fun than Whiskey and Ice Cream Monday, Ken Doll Jordan's quotes alone will get us through the night. We begin the episode in the kitchen where the tension between Ken Doll Jordan and Chicken David simmers. Of note, did you see the amount of eggs Chicken David was making? That had to be a minimum 6 egg omelette.

Group Date #1 and the Manufactured Drama Date

Chris Harrison knows his blogging audience and dropped a “Time is of the Essence” reference when announcing the group of men that will get to pamper Becca and other girls from Ari's season:  Expelliarmus Wills, Senior Banker Jason, Ken Doll Jordan, Chicken David, Jean Noir Blanc, and QB5 Colton.

Colton has to defend his past relationship with Tia. Becca's hangup appears to be that Colton may have wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette. While I genuinely like Becca, I have a hard time with this level of ego. Does Becca believe that every guy on this season only had eyes for Becca? That seems like a longshot and a poor reason to sack QB5.

Confession time. Dugan doesn't know what "Expelliarmus" means and has never been to a spa unless you count 215 Sorin. 

Let's get to the highlights and the start of Ken Doll's Quote Machine Night.

• Becca forgot Senior Banker Jason's name. Imagine if he was only a junior banker. This must happen often. Fleiss and Co. rarely show the Bachelor/ette making such a mistake. It's always gold. 

• Becca knows Ken Doll Jordan would be at ease: “You are in your element” KDJ: “I’m always in my element.” WHAT?!?
• Becca makes up with Jayson by making out with Jayson. Good deal for the senior banker.
• The guys discuss their Tinder profiles and Chicken David shares Ken Doll's match prowess with Becca. No spa. No tinder. Somehow I feel like I am doing just fine.
• KDJ does not approve Chicken David sharing his Tinder prowess with Becca and unloads a barrage of quotes.
• "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch"
• “That’s a bitch move. You’re a bitch.” (But let’s be honest, KDJ said “Your a bitch” in his head.)
• “Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face….If you are trying to wreck my image, you will never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me!”

• Senior Banker sums it up: “THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME”
• QB5 survived the faux drama and gets the rose.

Chris Stitches gets Musical

Stitches begins the date with an interesting wardrobe choice, the jean sweatshirt hoodie combo. Then they bring out a musical act that no one's ever heard of...

That's motherfucking Richard Marx! Do you know what you will find out when you google Richard Marx? He's married to Daisy Fuentes. I always laugh when I hear Daisy Fuentes because she was the first nude celebrity image I saw on the internet. Thank you, early AOL chat rooms.

I'm sorry, but ABC has interrupted the Bachelorette because President Trump and Dennis Rodman are trying to prevent nuclear Armageddon in North Korea. Shut it down, ladies and gentlemen. 

Stitches has a weird hairline? Is he a bald denier? Those cheesy lyrics, messed up hair and jean jacket hoody? Stitches is from Orlando. He could be an ex-boy band member.  Oh man, now I found out that Stitches cheesy lyrics are due to his abandonment issues. Stitches reached out to his dad and never got a response. Ouch. 

Stitches goes to the emotional vulnerability well and secures the rose.

Football Group Date with TE2 Clay, Leo the Lion, Globetrotting Christon, Banjo Ryan, Venmo John, Favorite Garrett, Domer Mike, Super Eagle Lincoln, Coach Connor, and Like Blake

Side note. This may have happened when George Stephonopolous was talking about the end of the world, but Chicken Suit David fell out of his bed and busted his face. Ambulance #1 on the night. 

It's getting late and we need to wrap this nonsense up:

• TE2 Clay has a little Carlos Boozer in his look..
• I am genuinely concerned for Venmo John and Domer Mike in this game of tackle football.
• Surprisingly, Domer Mike grabs the early TD in the back corner of the end zone, ala Dwight Clark (RIP!)
• Favorite Garrett is a baller.
• Christon and TE2 Boozer (the professional athletes) were beasts.
• Clay Boozer gets the sympathy rose for an injury on the last play.

I know earlier I said that I liked Becca, but Mrs. Dugan and I think she needs a new stylist. While I spent this episode hoping to hear Like Blake say "Like" a ton, take a look at some of Becca's clothing choices next week. Until next week when whiskey and ice cream returns.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.