The Bachelorette Episode 3: Cheers to you being a Bitch!

Friends, it's a Yoga Monday here in the Sunshine State. While much less fun than Whiskey and Ice Cream Monday, Ken Doll Jordan's quotes alone will get us through the night. We begin the episode in the kitchen where the tension between Ken Doll Jordan and Chicken David simmers. Of note, did you see the amount of eggs Chicken David was making? That had to be a minimum 6 egg omelette.

Group Date #1 and the Manufactured Drama Date

Chris Harrison knows his blogging audience and dropped a “Time is of the Essence” reference when announcing the group of men that will get to pamper Becca and other girls from Ari's season:  Expelliarmus Wills, Senior Banker Jason, Ken Doll Jordan, Chicken David, Jean Noir Blanc, and QB5 Colton.

Colton has to defend his past relationship with Tia. Becca's hangup appears to be that Colton may have wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette. While I genuinely like Becca, I have a hard time with this level of ego. Does Becca believe that every guy on this season only had eyes for Becca? That seems like a longshot and a poor reason to sack QB5.

Confession time. Dugan doesn't know what "Expelliarmus" means and has never been to a spa unless you count 215 Sorin. 

Let's get to the highlights and the start of Ken Doll's Quote Machine Night.

• Becca forgot Senior Banker Jason's name. Imagine if he was only a junior banker. This must happen often. Fleiss and Co. rarely show the Bachelor/ette making such a mistake. It's always gold. 

• Becca knows Ken Doll Jordan would be at ease: “You are in your element” KDJ: “I’m always in my element.” WHAT?!?
• Becca makes up with Jayson by making out with Jayson. Good deal for the senior banker.
• The guys discuss their Tinder profiles and Chicken David shares Ken Doll's match prowess with Becca. No spa. No tinder. Somehow I feel like I am doing just fine.
• KDJ does not approve Chicken David sharing his Tinder prowess with Becca and unloads a barrage of quotes.
• "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch"
• “That’s a bitch move. You’re a bitch.” (But let’s be honest, KDJ said “Your a bitch” in his head.)
• “Attached to me is professionality. Attached to me is my face….If you are trying to wreck my image, you will never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me!”

• Senior Banker sums it up: “THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME”
• QB5 survived the faux drama and gets the rose.

Chris Stitches gets Musical

Stitches begins the date with an interesting wardrobe choice, the jean sweatshirt hoodie combo. Then they bring out a musical act that no one's ever heard of...

That's motherfucking Richard Marx! Do you know what you will find out when you google Richard Marx? He's married to Daisy Fuentes. I always laugh when I hear Daisy Fuentes because she was the first nude celebrity image I saw on the internet. Thank you, early AOL chat rooms.

I'm sorry, but ABC has interrupted the Bachelorette because President Trump and Dennis Rodman are trying to prevent nuclear Armageddon in North Korea. Shut it down, ladies and gentlemen. 

Stitches has a weird hairline? Is he a bald denier? Those cheesy lyrics, messed up hair and jean jacket hoody? Stitches is from Orlando. He could be an ex-boy band member.  Oh man, now I found out that Stitches cheesy lyrics are due to his abandonment issues. Stitches reached out to his dad and never got a response. Ouch. 

Stitches goes to the emotional vulnerability well and secures the rose.

Football Group Date with TE2 Clay, Leo the Lion, Globetrotting Christon, Banjo Ryan, Venmo John, Favorite Garrett, Domer Mike, Super Eagle Lincoln, Coach Connor, and Like Blake

Side note. This may have happened when George Stephonopolous was talking about the end of the world, but Chicken Suit David fell out of his bed and busted his face. Ambulance #1 on the night. 

It's getting late and we need to wrap this nonsense up:

• TE2 Clay has a little Carlos Boozer in his look..
• I am genuinely concerned for Venmo John and Domer Mike in this game of tackle football.
• Surprisingly, Domer Mike grabs the early TD in the back corner of the end zone, ala Dwight Clark (RIP!)
• Favorite Garrett is a baller.
• Christon and TE2 Boozer (the professional athletes) were beasts.
• Clay Boozer gets the sympathy rose for an injury on the last play.

I know earlier I said that I liked Becca, but Mrs. Dugan and I think she needs a new stylist. While I spent this episode hoping to hear Like Blake say "Like" a ton, take a look at some of Becca's clothing choices next week. Until next week when whiskey and ice cream returns.