The Bachelorette Episode 5: Love is My Greatest Power

Many thanks to my writing partner, Dugan, for covering for me last week (really funny post, not-so-funny links).  While on family vacation in Hawaii, it did not seem like a good idea to devote two hours of blogging time while watching the show live.  On the other hand, I had my replacement Bachelorette "treats" in mind: a mai tai and shaved ice.  Alas, the Wags family has returned home to foggy San Francisco, and the whiskey and ice cream are ready to go.

Becca's week started off in Las Vegas.  It's a great place to "take a risk" on love and "roll the dice" on finding your life partner because love is a "gamble."  We get it.  The writers need to work a little harder.

Solo Date: QB5 Colton

The date began with a camel ride.  I assume there's some crude joke I could make here, but I have really matured lately (plus I also can't think of a funny crude joke).

Back at the house, Chicken David and Ken Doll Jordan continued their bickering.  KDJ had some pretty tight shorts.  The audience could easily see his...

It didn't take me too long to come up with a crappy joke.

In the evening portion of the date, QB5 and Becca had dinner in an empty restaurant.  Vegas is the perfect place to have dinner at 3 pm and make it look like it's 8:00 p.m.

QB5 said he associates "confusion and pain" with love because a girl broke up with him one time.  Are these people on this show because they are terrible at letting go of past flames or all-too-good at melodramatizing their very common past experiences?

QB5 got the rose.  He's very handsome, yet also seems very simple.  I'm a little worried he has next-bachelor potential.

Group Date: Harry Potter Wills, Favorite Garrett, Like Blake, Venmo John, Coach Connor, Leo the Lion, Super Eagle Lincoln, Sr. Banker Jason, and Stitches Chris

The date started with a stretch Hummer (Mishawaka, IN pride) trip to Wayne Newton's mansion.  And Wayne was there!  Whoa Wayne's FACE!  According to Wikipedia, Wayne is President Trump's brother.

They had to write a song inspired by "Danke Shoen." (I'm not embarrassed to admit I had to look up how to spell shoen.)  Wayne delivered a possible QOTN: "In my opinion, which I respect very much..."

 

Back at the house, Chicken David asked KDJ if he was going to wear the gold undies.  KDJ quipped, "David's head is in my underpants."  I'm going to be sad when Becca gives both of these guys the boot later in the episode.

At night, the guys had to sing their original-ish love songs.

Venmo John is my favorite. What a nerd.  He has zero chance.  Has a dweeby guy ever won this show? (I did some quick research.  No, a nerd has never won the Bachelorette.  And by "nerd," I merely mean a guy that spends more time reading than going to the gym.)

The guys were predictably terrible.  When you spend that much time in the gym and GNC, there is no time to pursue more artistic hobbies such as singing.

Not good for your singing voice, but does wonders when trying to make the JV baseball team.

Stitches says he's "ranked as one of the top frontrunners."  Now that sports gambling is going to be legal everywhere, maybe he knows what the sports books are saying about this season.  

Like Blake said he's falling in love with Becca.  This got him the date rose, but it got a sideways glance from me.  It's episode 5.  I would like to take a moment to remind our reading audience this show is real and is the search for true love.

Double Date: Chicken David and KDJ

Running List of KDJ Quotes
"David can't control my realness."
"Shotty" (when calling shotgun)
"The wind is leaving my sails."
"Your voice is so nasally, no one can stand you."
"Love is the greatest power on Earth." (is this accurate?)
"Being me is my greatest power." (can't argue with that)
"Being you isn't your greatest power." (if the previous quote is true, this quote doesn't logically follow)
"You lack your own personality."
"You're worse than Arie." (the ultimate insult?)
"[Settling] is the most hurtful thing you can say about a woman." (I could think of some other things.)
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get buried in the desert." (
"What I like to do in my spare time? Obviously, the gym is a big deal." (Obviously)
"Zoolander is extremely accurate." (It won the 2004 Academy Award for documentary feature.)
"I've got a million different things I could do with my face."
"I could probably move every part of my face." (I think I can too.)
"I wish we could get my portfolio out." (I kind of do too.)
"Tomorrow I'll wake up alone just like I always do." (I'm almost sad for him, but see the previous 16 quotes.)

The date consisted of sitting on a bed in the Nevada desert.  Thanks a million, Fleiss and Co.

Harrison is in the C-3PO outfit.  

Right away, Chicken started dishing on KDJ being a womanizer and interested in dating models and would settle for Becca.

KDJ defended himself by noting his mom has multiple mental illnesses.  Uh oh, this got a little too real.

After a "sixth grade" fight between KDJ and Chicken, Becca opted to Chick-filet and sent Chicken packing.  She wasn't ready to give the date rose to KDJ, so he got to continue onto the evening portion of the date without Chicken.

After talking about himself for the entire date, Becca denied a shocked KDJ the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Becca confronted Stitches Chris about being a baby and threatening to leave.  He later started arguing  with many of the guys over time spent with Becca.  He was very "fustrated" and found it all very "fustrating."  Gym > reading.

Joining QB5 and Like Blake with roses were:

Favorite Garrett
Sr. Banker Jason
Potter Wills (I kind of want to rename him Wills and Trusts)
Super Eagle Lincoln
Leo the Lion (Yesssss!)
Coach Connor
Stitches Chris

Right when I was falling in love with Venmo John, he gets sent home.  Goodbye to the nice guy that's probably richer than all these guys combined.

Until next week in Richmond, Virginia.  Huh?