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| Thanks Costco. (I never said I drink fancy whiskey.) |
Harrison started off the episode by admitting he didn't recognize one of the guys. Of course, it was the guy in the chicken suit. Harrison, I've missed you the most.
Group Date #1: Clay, Slick Nick, Chris Gets Stitches, Chicken Suit David, Jean Blanc Noir, Ken Doll Jordan, Coach Connor, and Super Eagle Lincoln
While arriving at a ranch, the Ken Doll Jordan reminded us he's a male model. "It defines me." May I never have a job that defines. May this Bachelor/ette blog always define me.
The wardrobe for the men appears to have been provided by Banana Republic.
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| All grays. |
Former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiancé Bryan NipTuck (still in love...see...this is the search for true love), explained an obstacle course for the guys while wearing tuxes.
NFL Clay had no problem with the ice bath portion of the course. Super Eagle Lincoln was in the lead for most of the course, which caused me to google what his Dugan-granted nickname meant. WELL DONE DUGAN.
Super Eagle won the race and got a picture with Becca (I had to note this fact because the previews have foreshadowed the importance of this photo at least three times in the first 20 minutes of the show . . . let's just say there isn't much subtlety on this show.)
Confession: I had to ask Mrs. Wags how to spell "subtlety" and I'm still not sure I spelled it correctly. Was this word the final word in the spelling bee today? It should have been.
Super Eagle Lincoln got the aforementioned framed photo and a kiss from Becca. He described kissing Becca like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns and pooping out a pot of gold." Mrs. Wags said she heard the pooping part of the quote. I was too busy trying to remember what a pegasus is to go back and double check for accuracy.
Chicken Suit David said Becca will challenge him intellectually. You're on the wrong show buddy.
Coach Connor, frustrated with having to look at the framed photo of Super Eagle and Becca, tossed the photo in the romantically-lit pool. Super Eagle was very pouty because he wanted to "show the picture to his mom." Becca mediated the situation between the two juveniles, taking Super Eagle's side.
Jean Blanc Noir Cool Water got a kiss and a the date rose. That smells nice!!!
1-on-1 Date: Like Blake
This was Becca's first ride in a limo since she "got engaged." She also keeps referring to Ari as her "ex-boyfriend." I have to hand it to her, she is really good at pretending this show is real.
Harrison handed sledge hammers to Becca and Like Blake so they could destroy televisions showing videos of Ari's proposal, champagne bottles, a car, a couch, and candy hearts. All of this while Lil John turned down for what and DJed the event. Becca literally destroyed her past. Again, the Bachelorette doesn't specialize in subtlety (thanks for the assist, autocorrect....I still can't spell it).
Like Blake keeps saying "like." I'm about ready to fast forward through this dum dum's date. "Like she's an amazing woman."
Sadly, Like Blake like got a rose. Becca even said, "like, will you accept this rose?" It's like contagious.
Group Date #2: Favorite Garrett, Venmo John, Rickie, Banjo Ryan, Alex, Globetrotter Chris, Trent, Leo the Lion, Wills, and QB5 Colton
Leo Leo Leo! Can every date include this guy please?
The date started with a dodgeball training session led by some little child actors. They fired dodgeballs from a pitching machine.
In their practice session, Globetrotter Chris nailed Becca with practice balls a couple times. Just like the way we used to play bookstore basketball games in college: don't take it easy on female competition. (Semi-related sidetone: Dugan and I co-coached the Pasquerilla West Women's Intramural basketball team. We were great. Dugan was on the refs like Draymond, and I was calm and often injured like Steve Kerr.)
Leo the Lion provided my QOTN: "What these guys don't understand is that winning doesn't come from bicep curls or tricep extensions, it comes from your heart." Almost brought I tear to my eye. Mrs. Wags thinks the Lion might have appropriated this quote from Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights.
As I was busy looking up Harry Potter spell names to find a good nickname for Wills/willis/will/whatever, QB5 Colton admitted to having a relationship with Tia from Ari's season of the Bachelor. Since we didn't watch last season, this doesn't affect me. Becca, on the other hand, seemed deeply hurt by his admission.
Becca fought through tears to give Expelliarmus Wills the date rose.
Rose Ceremony
Ken Doll Jordan, wearing only boxer briefs, told Becca he didn't want her to think of him as being "007 all the time." Ken Doll, continuing his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise, said he's not just "some guy with hair."
Later, the Chicken Suit David said Ken Doll was being disrespectful by wearing boxer briefs to a cocktail party. Oh, the irony from the chicken suit guy.
Joining Jean Blanc Noir, Like Blake, and Expelliarmus Wills with roses:
Chris Gets Stitches
Jason He's a Senior Banker
Venmo John (I think I rode BART with this guy today...oh wait, every guy is Venmo John in the Bay.)
TE2 Clay
Man Bun Mike
Coach Connor
Leo the Lion
Chicken Suit David
Favorite Garrett
Slick Nick
Banjo Ryan
Globetrotter Chris
Ken Doll Jordan
Super Eagle Lincoln
QB5 Colton
Goodbye Rickie, Alex, and Trent. We never even had enough time to give you guys nicknames.
Until next week, when Dugan returns to blog the bloodbath.
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Great post, Wags. Excellent detail with the links. I can tell you went the extra mile with your return post.
ReplyDeleteI'll note two great quotes as well as a small part that really highlights the greatness of the show.
There was a dodgeball contestant, possible Willis who said "This is the most important dodgeball game of my life." How many important dodgeball games did he have to choose from in his memory?
As you know, my favorite moments are when glimpses of honesty penetrate the facade of this show. One of the guys let out a gem when talking about Becca having her shit together: "I don't normally go after girls with their shit together." Incredible.
Finally, Ken Doll Jordan is going to be an endless supply of material. When debating Chicken Suit David, intelligence came up. Ken Doll challenged Chicken Suit to take an IQ test and told the camera that "he would do a lot better than..." No, not Chicken Suit. But Ken Doll would do better than you thought he would do. So, Ken Doll just helped lower the bar that he will hopefully be able to jump over during said IQ test.