The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings.  On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way.  Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.  There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:

1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:

After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.

I have said enough.  Let's start the show.

The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart.  Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry).  Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce.  I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times.  He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.

There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane.  In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with.  Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy.  For that, I will never forgive Brooks.

Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week

Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris.  Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying).  She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying).  Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.

I'm really excited to be here.

So far, there have not been any tweets this week.  Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.

(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience?  I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)

Drew Who Gets a Date

Des decided to proceed with the process.  There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.

Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew."  Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."

Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love."  As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship.  Neil Lane continues to fume at home.

Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries."  This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.

Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner.  With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters."  Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.

Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.

Chris's Chance

Chris started off the date with Des smiling.  So that's good.

While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des.  She seemed to be talking herself into Chris.  Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs."   This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane.  She only speaks in platitudes.  For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).

(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).

Chris gave Des a book of poems.  Des proceeded to break out in tears.  Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family.  Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer.  Nate peppered Chris with questions.  Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace.  You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.

Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.

The Final Rose

NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  Every kiss begins with Neil Lane.    I don't care what happens on the rest of the show.  We got some Neil Lane.  By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look.  But who doesn't, really?

Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life."  I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show.  He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.

Note the consistent outfit

Chris exited the limo first.  Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally).  Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.

Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!).  But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good).  But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).  

In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?

But really, they might actually be good for each other.  I sure hope so (because I believe in true love).  If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it.  After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing."  I agree.  I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.  

Until next season, with Juan Pablo.

The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Say Yes to the Des

It's Monday night!  You know what time it is.  It's time for whiskey and ice cream.  While I have the usual simple whiskey cocktail, I also am eating Mrs. Wags' homemade peach ice cream.  When I say ICE, you say CREAM.  ICE....CREAM.   ICE....CREAM.  I can almost hear you at home, I'm so excited.

Okay sugar.  Let's start the episode.  It's hometown date week.  We're back in the United States after a worldwide (i.e. Germany, Spain, Portugal) tour.

Dallas with Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak started his date with...a shirt.  How disappointing.  He has a reputation, and nickname, to live up to.  At least he looked as orange as usual.

Zak apparently dropped acid before his date.  He told Des about a dream where he and Des were on the beach.  They melted into the sand.  Then it started snowing.

Zak is the color of much of Dali's paint

The LSDream turned out to foreshadow Zak's family business: sno-cones.  Zak then put on a penguin costume to advertise the sno-cone truck.

I just re-read those last three paragraphs.  Am I on drugs?  Did Mrs. Wags spike my ice cream?  Is this real life?

The date continued with dinner at Zak's family's house (all wearing shirts...but who knows what the dessert course might hold?).  Zak's family was unexpectedly normal.  They sang a song together and all sounded like they could be on The Voice.   I guess they're just a very talented family.

Zak ended the date by giving Des a promise ring and saying he loved her.  Though Zak probably does not stand a chance of winning this thing, he made a strong push for next-Bachelor on this episode.

Scottsdale with Drew Who

Drew is taking Des to his Mom's house.  It will be the first time his Dad has ever been there.  Is this the proper venue for this kind of family reunion?

(Interesting sidenote: Mrs. Wags just asked me, "What's this guy's name?"  Yes, it's Drew Who?)

Drew took Des to meet his severely disabled sister.  This is intense.  I'm impressed with how well Des handled it, especially when his sister flipped Des's hair.  I thought a fight was about to break out.

At the family house, Drew's Dad asked if Des believes in angels.  "Yes," she quickly replied.  Well have you ever met one?  "Uh...I haven't."  You have met an angel now.  Drew's disabled sister.  Once again, well handled by Des.  That was not an easy line of questioning.

Drew's father's name is Malachi.  I can't decide if I think that's a really badass name or if I'm a little scared of it.

The date ended with Drew looking like he could win it all (even though I'm still not convinced that women are right for Drew).

Oregon with Chris

The third date was with Chris, the only remaining guy without a nickname.  If our past experiences on this blog are any indication, you have no chance of winning the Bachelor(ette) unless we've given you a nickname.

Chris took Des to a baseball field.  Des proved to be pretty decent, backing up her outdoorsy/athletic image that Fleiss and Co. have been pushing on us since day one.

Don't call her, maybe.  

But feel free to call her, Maeby.

At the dinner with Chris's family, Dr. Chris's Dad, a chiropractor, took Des to his home office and adjusted her back.  I loved that he had to put on his white doctor's coat and name tag to do some home procedures.  He's a consummate professional.

After treating Des, Chris stepped up to the plate (see what I did there?). Dr. Chris's Dad gave him a nose adjustment by shoving an air pump up his nose.  This date is turning into a terrible advertisement for chiropractors.

While Des conversed with Chris's weird Mom, Chris's siblings told him how much they disliked his ex-girlfriend.

The date ended poemless.  Chris does not seem like he's going to win it all.

Salt Lake City with Hockey Hair Brooks

Brooks started off the date by letting the audience know that he's "not sure how he feels about Des."

They started by taking out a row boat. Snooze.  There's nothing interesting about rowing.  Trust me on this one.

Brooks then took Des to meet his giant family.  All twenty of them wore name tags.  How very polite.

Brooks's brothers(?) then asked him a bunch of romantic, yet tough questions about whether he actually loves Des.  He did not actually answer any of the questions.  Brooks really seems to be struggling with this process.

Back in LA with Nate

Nasty Nate is Des's brother.  He's a royal jerk that got her kicked off the show last year.  If you just started watching the show this season, shame on you.  Read Dugan's take on Nate from last season.

Des revealed that she hasn't seen Nate since last season.  That sounds complicated.

The best part about Nate, other than his hand tattoos, is that he calls a spade a spade.  Or in this case, he calls a ridiculous reality show ridiculous.  Nate is too real for Fleiss and Co.

Rose Ceremony

Hockey Hair Brooks takes rose #1.  Chris (what!?) takes rose #2.  The final rose went to Drew Who.

Shirtless Zak is headed home.  I'm actually a little sad.  Not like I'm fully-crying sad, but more like tickle-in-the-back-of-my-throat sad.  I just don't want my last memory of Zak to be in a penguin outfit.  That's why I'll leave you with this:

Gone, and probably forgotten.

Until next week, when the men tell all.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Say Yes to the Des

As Bachelor/ette Nation descends on Madeira, Dugan is suffering from some PTSD. I represented a project named Madiera (Yes, I pointed out the misspelling to no avail) that failed spectacularly at a City Commission meeting. I'll try to put that behind me as hometown dates are next week and we are winding down. Drew mentions that Madeira "is built for love." No, the Taj Mahal was built for love.

Friends in Town

Des managed to get free trips to Madeira for friends from Sean's season of The Bachelor: Catherine (winner), Lesley Abramoff and Jackie. While the other girls didn't add much, they did get Des to dish the following on the guys:

Best Kisser: Drew

Most Successful: Domer Mike

Most Athletic: Chris

Best Body: Drew

Best Eyes: Brooks

Most Adventurous: Zak

Brooks, Des and the Portuguese Cliffs of Moher

• Brooks and Des are a pretty likable couple
• Brooks and Des are discussing continuing their journey, but then begin a cliche-off
• “We did’t just break through the clouds, I feel like we had a breakthrough in our relationship.”
• I threw up a little in my mouth.
• Multiple “cloud nine” references (5 to be exact).
• They became unlikable on this date. Damn.

 The date continued with some Madeira hilltop dining:

• Des says she is falling in love with Brooks.
• Brooks rocking the not often worn rugby, v-neck, cardigan.
• Fireworks ended the night and might have more of an impact if it wasn’t July 8^th….WAIT, what was that spastic fireworks impersonation by Des? Love it.

Chris, the warrior baseball poet, Des & a Yacht 

This date was so bad that I started to think about the best moments in the history of yachting. Please see the following entries and vote on the poll in the top right:

• Bill Murray in What About Bob
• The Gasol Brothers diving with models and gym socks
• Ted Turner winning America's Cup

I stopped being interested in the date when they were writing poetry together. But finding pictures of Gasol brothers that feature Pau Gasol's butt is not where I thought my night would be going.

But the date did bring a quote of the night entry from Chris: “We’re gonna get a little wet. It’s gonna happen.” 

They continue their date over dinner where they discuss the following: 

• Family size.
• Another poem? This is getting ridiculous. He played pro baseball?
• Does saying “I love you” in a poem count? Is that valid?

 Michael Finally gets a One-on-One

• While hometowns are next week, Domer Mike is yet to have a one-on-one. A domer in the friend zone...hmmmm. 
• Little known fact, when you graduate from Notre Dame or Law School, you are given a lifetime supply of this exact outfit. Domer Mike's wardrobe is 79 different variations of this exact outfit.

 

• Domer Mike's Don Johnson style outfit at dinner was good enough to secure a hometown. It's great when I don't need to add photoshop. Domer Mike or Don Johnson?

• Past Girlfriend cheated on him.
• Des wants Mike to open up.
• He did. When a Domer becomes vulnerable, prepare for a disemboweling. Michael is exposed and I think this is going to end ugly.

 Des, Zak, Drew and a Rose.

• It's a Go Kart competition and Des drops a little Ricky Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” But, no, really. Because there’s two people racing.
• Zak beat Drew.
• I still wonder if Drew is on the right season.
• Drew gets the rose. Zak beats Drew.

 Rose Ceremony

• Discussion with Chris Harrison. Des says she’s in love with Brooks. Interesting.
• A life with Chris would be “full and lasting.” Hmmm….sounds great?
• Drew is safe. Have to assume the same of Brooks and Chris.
• Shirtless Zak v. Domer Mike.
• BOOM.

There's plenty more. 

He called his mom. Seriously? Until next week with Wags and the Hometowns...

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Say Yes to the Des

I'm often asked, "How can you possibly watch the Bachelorette?"  I always respond, "Because it's the search for true love."  In a world of global warming, NSA spying, and Miss Utah, you and I need ABC, Chris B. Harrison, and roses.  One of these guys could someday, maybe be Des's husband.  That's true love.  Maybe.

With that said (and the ice cream and whiskey to my right and Mrs. Wags to my left), let the show begin:

But before the show began, ABC let us know that the "hottest new show" is coming up after the Bachelorette.  It's called Mistresses.  Newsflash ABC: Game of Thrones is the hottest show.

Now let the show begin. Des has left Los Angeles.  The guys are following on a trip around the WORLD.  First stop....rainy Atlantic City!  Next stop...Tallahassee, Florida!  (credit Mrs. Wags with the joke).  Mikey T., predictably, was the most excited for Atlantic City.  Hopefully Snooki is a surprise guest.

Solo Date #1: Brad Who?

The date started off with a trip the boardwalk and some candy tasting.  Des loved that Brad "just rolled with it."  Carnival rides and candy tasting?  Brad, you're so brave to just roll with that high stress date.

The date continued to a sand castle picnic and then dinner. Brad Who backs up his nickname by being incredibly boring in conversation.  This guy should not get a rose.

Confession: I am watching this date rather than the Giants game.

p.s. Confession: I stopped paying attention to this date to check the Giants score.  3-1 lead....hum baby!

Des proved that this is the search for true love by sending Brad Who home.  Sadly, we may never know who he really was.

It's not easy to be a single dad.

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Bryden, Big Zack, #Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak, Mikey, Father Ben, Domer Mike, and Chris

The group date began in Boardwalk Hall, the future site of the Miss America Pageant.  Sadly, Domer Mike continued to embarrass fellow Domers by saying that he dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid.

Domer Mike would get his chance on this date because the guys competed in a Mr. America pageant.

Not only did the guys have to answer interview questions and show off their (lack of) talent, but they also had to wear "mankinis...you know...banana hammocks."  Yes, Drew, we get it.

WHODUNNIT?

Now that we're back from commercial, let the show begin.  The crowd looked alarmingly similar to the "After the Final Rose" crowd.  See below if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Crowd

In the talent portion, every guy was a complete clown....until Shirtless Zak did a very good impersonation of Jack Johnson.  Watch out Wes, Shirtless Zak might be the most famous Bachelorette singer-songwriter.

The swimsuit portion proved that all these guys are doing PEDs.

After a three-judge vote, #Casey took the Mr. Bachelor crown, but not necessarily the group date rose.

During the evening portion of the date, I noticed that Bryden's job is listed as "Iraq War Veteran."  I wish he had a funny "slash."  War Veteran/Hairstylist.  War Veteran/Plastic Surgeon.  War Veteran/Veterinarian (Vet Vet).

The coveted group date rose went to Shirtless Zak.  As usual, the victory went to the guy that can play the acoustic guitar.

Solo Date #2: James

James got the first ever "Red Cross" date.  They took a helicopter ride to view the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  I got pretty teary during Beasts of the Southern Wild.  And by teary, I mean I cried.  And by cried, I mean no I didn't.  Okay, yes I did.  So hurricane footage can leave the viewer effected.  On the other hand, hearing Des and James act as spokespeople for Hurricane Sandy awareness is less than persuasive.

The date continued its cheery theme with a tour of a nearly destroyed house.  But Des and James showed how charitable they are by giving up their date so a couple hurricane victims could go to Atlantic City.  Though I'm sure it was really Fleiss and Co's idea, it was a nice moment. I'm not crying. I swear.  I'm just a little choked up.

Fleiss and Co., realizing how boring Des can be, decided to follow Manny and Jan on their Atlantic City date.  This begs the question: why can't next season be The Old Bachelor?  I think it could work!  It would definitely be funny.  Mrs. Wags thinks it should just be called Sweet Old Married Couples Going on Dates.  Of course, it would be followed by WHODUNNIT?

The date ended, not with Snooki, but with Hootie.  I was envious.  I'm such a baby cause the dolphins make me cry.

Though he admitted he once cheated, James appropriately got a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden announced to the guys that he might be leaving.  Bryden confessed to Des that he thinks their relationship should be farther (or is it further) along.  How great is this show?  If you don't think this show is the search for true love, then you clearly WHODUNNIT!?

Joining earlier rose recipients Shirtless Zak and James were: Chris, Hockey Hair Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Really?, Domer Mike, Father Ben, #Kasey, Bryden, and NYC Mikey.

Unfortunately, Big Zack now has to go back to his job at the toy store.

Until next week in Cleveland...I mean, Munich.  Auf wiedersehen.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.