The Bachelor Finale...with NEIL LANE!!!

Cool your jets, fellow Bachelor/ette fans…we have quite a while to wait for Neil Lane. We first have to spend some quality time with our finalists: Ambivalent Becca and All-In Whitney. And we have our heartsick Faux Farmer falling in love with both. This season has disappointed but the finale did not. We have drama, tears of joy, sadness, Neil Lane, Vin Diesel, and the most amazing garage I have ever seen.

The girls settled in Dubuque, Iowa as the closest city of any import. Distance from Arlington? One hour and fifteen minutes. Arlinton, YOU KEEP GETTING WORSE!

All-In Whitney

Whitney is leaving no stone unturned. Within the first five minutes, Whitney has expressed her love for farmers, farms, the Hawkeyes, the Cyclones (kidding, no one roots for the Cyclones), Dan Gable, John Denver, the movie Son-in-Law, etc etc etc

 Sister Act

The Sisters' Act interrogation begins. Basically, it boils down to one topic. Arlington, Iowa.

Whitney has all the right answers.

“Love is more important”

“Can be a nurse anywhere”

“Excited to also have parents again”

Yikes, just give her the final rose already. As much as the sisters approved, Chris’ mom was even more on board. Mrs. Dugan and I wonder if this is the best family meeting ever?

My personal highlight? DID YOU SEE HIS GARAGE?!?!? His garage is bigger than my home. Inside said Garage Mahal, an interesting discussion was taking place between Chris and the male members of his family. Chris' brothers-in-law urged he make the safe pick with Whitney instead of hard-to-get Becca.

Ambivalent Becca

You know, it’s funny having your own blog about the Bachelor/ette. You remember little details that make your spouse question why certain grocery or honey do list items are forgotten but the smallest Bachelor/ette details get remembered. Becca pops out of the SUV and the infographic at the bottom shows age 26, chiropractic assistant from San Diego. This is odd. I remember she was 25 when the show began. I checked the opening blog entry and confirmed my suspicion.

Regardless, it’s time to meet the family and the Soules Sisters all have children on their lap (HINT HINT, Hugs Becca!) THIS IS WHAT WE DO HERE!

  

The sisters want to know where Becca’s head is at. And Becca didn’t hold back. She isn’t willing to move to Arlington. She wants to proceed long distance. She also appears to not fully understand at what point we are at in the season: “If Whitney’s further ahead, does our relationship have to end?”

UMMM….YES! That’s exactly what happens. Fleiss & Co. demand roses and marriage.

Chris One on One Time with Becca

As some of you may remember, I thoroughly enjoyed when Juan Pablo would go off scrip. Becca goes full Juan Pablo in the finale: “I can’t make any promises on when I could be ready to move and pick up my life…”

Chris is distraught. He is thinking this is NOT how this was supposed to go. God forbid Becca wanting to get married and have kids on her own schedule. Then comes, not the QOTN, but the Quote of the Series from Chris. QOTS!

“Why don’t you love me?” I stopped listening here because I was laughing out loud for the rest of their time together…I love you Bachelor/ette.

Date with Whitney

Whitney continues to bring a strong commitment game. She is discussing “our kids” and how beautiful Arlington is. She is seriously all in. She loves being domestic and prefers Arlington to Bali. We get in, Whitney, we get it.

Neil Lane Comes To Heat Up Arlington

NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!

Becca’s weird style continues with the red velvet dress and Chris lets her down easy. He simply states that its not fair for either to take a leap of faith at this point.

Commercial update: Did I just see Vin Diesel? Yes. Yes I did. The Bachelor finale included a trailer for Furious 7. Seriously. What a night! 

What’s going to happen when Chris proposes? Whitney’s head might explode! He does. It doesn’t. Still…what a night! 

The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings.  On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way.  Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.  There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:

1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:

After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.

I have said enough.  Let's start the show.

The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart.  Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry).  Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce.  I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times.  He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.

There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane.  In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with.  Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy.  For that, I will never forgive Brooks.

Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week

Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris.  Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying).  She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying).  Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.

I'm really excited to be here.

So far, there have not been any tweets this week.  Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.

(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience?  I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)

Drew Who Gets a Date

Des decided to proceed with the process.  There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.

Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew."  Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."

Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love."  As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship.  Neil Lane continues to fume at home.

Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries."  This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.

Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner.  With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters."  Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.

Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.

Chris's Chance

Chris started off the date with Des smiling.  So that's good.

While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des.  She seemed to be talking herself into Chris.  Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs."   This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane.  She only speaks in platitudes.  For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).

(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).

Chris gave Des a book of poems.  Des proceeded to break out in tears.  Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family.  Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer.  Nate peppered Chris with questions.  Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace.  You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.

Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.

The Final Rose

NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  Every kiss begins with Neil Lane.    I don't care what happens on the rest of the show.  We got some Neil Lane.  By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look.  But who doesn't, really?

Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life."  I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show.  He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.

Note the consistent outfit

Chris exited the limo first.  Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally).  Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.

Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!).  But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good).  But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).  

In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?

But really, they might actually be good for each other.  I sure hope so (because I believe in true love).  If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it.  After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing."  I agree.  I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.  

Until next season, with Juan Pablo.