The Bachelor Episode 7: On Time and Suboptimal

We have left the Bahamas and turn our sights to the Orthopedic Capital of the World!!

That’s Warsaw, Indiana. Ben no longer lives in Indiana, having chosen to settle in Denver along with every other millennial from Indiana. Ben returns home with six girls and four dates. LB, JoJo Trump, and Thing Emily get the individual dates while Mom Olivia, Hugs Becca, and Software Caila are left to a group date.

Ben pulls up to the dock too fast in a pontoon boat and Software Caila unwisely tries to stop the boat herself. Boats weigh thousands of pounds and don’t have breaks. Do not attempt to stop a boat approaching you. Especially if you are a 105 lb software sales rep.

It’s early but Thing Emily drops my QOTN: “Warsaw is absolutely gorgeous” WHAT? I have driven through Warsaw, Indiana. “Absolutely gorgeous” did not come close to entering my head during those trips.

Absolutely Warsaw

 LB and the Warsaw Tour

We get to visit Ben’s high school, church, movie theatre and youth club.  Ben is 26. This date is still.....ok, but I don’t think you can get away with it much longer. The highlight of the episode did come during their visit to a local boys n girls clubesque gym. Ronnie “The Half Court King” makes a, you guessed it, half-court shot for Ben to get a kiss. What a nickname! What a shot! I want to hang out with The Half Court King.

Remind me to fire my agent,

In addition to Ronnie, Indiana Pacers players Paul George and George Hill showed up. Along with a thrilled Coach Vogel. When you get these type of stops pulled out for your date (see JoJo’s upcoming date at Wrigley)…don’t you know you are getting a hometown rose? LB has been a favorite since early in the season, but hanging out in Indiana dive bars is only going to further ingratiate her with your blog co-authors.

JoJo Trump Does Chicago

Sweet Home Wrigley

Did you know Ernie Banks was nicknamed “Mr. Cub”? Of course you did. Did you also know he was nicknamed “Mr. Sunshine?” You did? LIAR.

JoJo is following a well-worn Bachelor/ette path. Scared to open up for fear of getting hurt. Opening up in relationships can be difficult. Opening up when you know your partner is simultaneously dating other people? Yeah, that might make it even more difficult.

Ben explains how much this date means to him since he’s a life-long Cubs fan. They enjoy dinner in the outfield and I predict this over the top date has also secured the hometown date for JoJo Trump.

Young Ben Higgins

Is JoJo the favorite to be the next Bachelorette? Are they going to pick Hugs Becca?

Motorboating with Hugs Becca, Software Caila and Mom Amanda

Ok, no motors were involved. It was actually only awkward rowing and I confess I was reading about the Chinese Super League’s ambition affecting the MLS through much of this boring date. Caila did inform the viewer that she moved seventeen times before college. She's concerned about the lack of a hometown feel to her Hometown date. I like the confidence, Caila. Mrs. Dugan believes that Caila is this season’s Catherine.

Mom Amanda gets the rose and Hugs Becca sees the writing on the wall. She then asks a prescient question: “What more do I need to do?” Ummmmmm. Well…..nope. Not going to say it.

Mom Amanda and Ben then shoot a McDonald’s commercial during their date. Seriously. It’s annoying but it’s also everyone’s fault who owns a DVR.

The McDonald’s commercial ends and they have a fair where the mayor introduces Ben and Amanda. Ben and I have a healthy fear of fair rides.

Warsaw Fair Employee of the Month

Miss Thing Meets the Parents

Oh, you poor little Thing. She is a fish out of water here in Indiana. I could count the mistakes made on this date but it’s been a while since I took calculus.

•          “Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing to do”
•          She “never sees ducks in Vegas”
•          “I’m really average at everything, but ready to be an above average mom and wife.”
•          What is going on? Is she throwing this date? Have we followed JoJo’s Cubs date with a nod to the 1919 White Sox?
•          She prefers to “sit around and watch movies all day”
•          She “doesn’t like vegetables”
•          Thing’s goal in life is to be an NFL cheerleader
•          This date is a train wreck into a dumpster fire and Ben mercifully puts Thing Emily out of her misery.

Rose Ceremony

Mom Amanda is safe

LB

JoJo Trump

Software Caila

Hugs Becca’s virginity is safe! Until next week and hometowns.

The Bachelor Finale...with NEIL LANE!!!

Cool your jets, fellow Bachelor/ette fans…we have quite a while to wait for Neil Lane. We first have to spend some quality time with our finalists: Ambivalent Becca and All-In Whitney. And we have our heartsick Faux Farmer falling in love with both. This season has disappointed but the finale did not. We have drama, tears of joy, sadness, Neil Lane, Vin Diesel, and the most amazing garage I have ever seen.

The girls settled in Dubuque, Iowa as the closest city of any import. Distance from Arlington? One hour and fifteen minutes. Arlinton, YOU KEEP GETTING WORSE!

All-In Whitney

Whitney is leaving no stone unturned. Within the first five minutes, Whitney has expressed her love for farmers, farms, the Hawkeyes, the Cyclones (kidding, no one roots for the Cyclones), Dan Gable, John Denver, the movie Son-in-Law, etc etc etc

 Sister Act

The Sisters' Act interrogation begins. Basically, it boils down to one topic. Arlington, Iowa.

Whitney has all the right answers.

“Love is more important”

“Can be a nurse anywhere”

“Excited to also have parents again”

Yikes, just give her the final rose already. As much as the sisters approved, Chris’ mom was even more on board. Mrs. Dugan and I wonder if this is the best family meeting ever?

My personal highlight? DID YOU SEE HIS GARAGE?!?!? His garage is bigger than my home. Inside said Garage Mahal, an interesting discussion was taking place between Chris and the male members of his family. Chris' brothers-in-law urged he make the safe pick with Whitney instead of hard-to-get Becca.

Ambivalent Becca

You know, it’s funny having your own blog about the Bachelor/ette. You remember little details that make your spouse question why certain grocery or honey do list items are forgotten but the smallest Bachelor/ette details get remembered. Becca pops out of the SUV and the infographic at the bottom shows age 26, chiropractic assistant from San Diego. This is odd. I remember she was 25 when the show began. I checked the opening blog entry and confirmed my suspicion.

Regardless, it’s time to meet the family and the Soules Sisters all have children on their lap (HINT HINT, Hugs Becca!) THIS IS WHAT WE DO HERE!

  

The sisters want to know where Becca’s head is at. And Becca didn’t hold back. She isn’t willing to move to Arlington. She wants to proceed long distance. She also appears to not fully understand at what point we are at in the season: “If Whitney’s further ahead, does our relationship have to end?”

UMMM….YES! That’s exactly what happens. Fleiss & Co. demand roses and marriage.

Chris One on One Time with Becca

As some of you may remember, I thoroughly enjoyed when Juan Pablo would go off scrip. Becca goes full Juan Pablo in the finale: “I can’t make any promises on when I could be ready to move and pick up my life…”

Chris is distraught. He is thinking this is NOT how this was supposed to go. God forbid Becca wanting to get married and have kids on her own schedule. Then comes, not the QOTN, but the Quote of the Series from Chris. QOTS!

“Why don’t you love me?” I stopped listening here because I was laughing out loud for the rest of their time together…I love you Bachelor/ette.

Date with Whitney

Whitney continues to bring a strong commitment game. She is discussing “our kids” and how beautiful Arlington is. She is seriously all in. She loves being domestic and prefers Arlington to Bali. We get in, Whitney, we get it.

Neil Lane Comes To Heat Up Arlington

NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!

Becca’s weird style continues with the red velvet dress and Chris lets her down easy. He simply states that its not fair for either to take a leap of faith at this point.

Commercial update: Did I just see Vin Diesel? Yes. Yes I did. The Bachelor finale included a trailer for Furious 7. Seriously. What a night! 

What’s going to happen when Chris proposes? Whitney’s head might explode! He does. It doesn’t. Still…what a night!