The Bachelor Finale...with NEIL LANE!!!

Cool your jets, fellow Bachelor/ette fans…we have quite a while to wait for Neil Lane. We first have to spend some quality time with our finalists: Ambivalent Becca and All-In Whitney. And we have our heartsick Faux Farmer falling in love with both. This season has disappointed but the finale did not. We have drama, tears of joy, sadness, Neil Lane, Vin Diesel, and the most amazing garage I have ever seen.

The girls settled in Dubuque, Iowa as the closest city of any import. Distance from Arlington? One hour and fifteen minutes. Arlinton, YOU KEEP GETTING WORSE!

All-In Whitney

Whitney is leaving no stone unturned. Within the first five minutes, Whitney has expressed her love for farmers, farms, the Hawkeyes, the Cyclones (kidding, no one roots for the Cyclones), Dan Gable, John Denver, the movie Son-in-Law, etc etc etc

 Sister Act

The Sisters' Act interrogation begins. Basically, it boils down to one topic. Arlington, Iowa.

Whitney has all the right answers.

“Love is more important”

“Can be a nurse anywhere”

“Excited to also have parents again”

Yikes, just give her the final rose already. As much as the sisters approved, Chris’ mom was even more on board. Mrs. Dugan and I wonder if this is the best family meeting ever?

My personal highlight? DID YOU SEE HIS GARAGE?!?!? His garage is bigger than my home. Inside said Garage Mahal, an interesting discussion was taking place between Chris and the male members of his family. Chris' brothers-in-law urged he make the safe pick with Whitney instead of hard-to-get Becca.

Ambivalent Becca

You know, it’s funny having your own blog about the Bachelor/ette. You remember little details that make your spouse question why certain grocery or honey do list items are forgotten but the smallest Bachelor/ette details get remembered. Becca pops out of the SUV and the infographic at the bottom shows age 26, chiropractic assistant from San Diego. This is odd. I remember she was 25 when the show began. I checked the opening blog entry and confirmed my suspicion.

Regardless, it’s time to meet the family and the Soules Sisters all have children on their lap (HINT HINT, Hugs Becca!) THIS IS WHAT WE DO HERE!

  

The sisters want to know where Becca’s head is at. And Becca didn’t hold back. She isn’t willing to move to Arlington. She wants to proceed long distance. She also appears to not fully understand at what point we are at in the season: “If Whitney’s further ahead, does our relationship have to end?”

UMMM….YES! That’s exactly what happens. Fleiss & Co. demand roses and marriage.

Chris One on One Time with Becca

As some of you may remember, I thoroughly enjoyed when Juan Pablo would go off scrip. Becca goes full Juan Pablo in the finale: “I can’t make any promises on when I could be ready to move and pick up my life…”

Chris is distraught. He is thinking this is NOT how this was supposed to go. God forbid Becca wanting to get married and have kids on her own schedule. Then comes, not the QOTN, but the Quote of the Series from Chris. QOTS!

“Why don’t you love me?” I stopped listening here because I was laughing out loud for the rest of their time together…I love you Bachelor/ette.

Date with Whitney

Whitney continues to bring a strong commitment game. She is discussing “our kids” and how beautiful Arlington is. She is seriously all in. She loves being domestic and prefers Arlington to Bali. We get in, Whitney, we get it.

Neil Lane Comes To Heat Up Arlington

NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!

Becca’s weird style continues with the red velvet dress and Chris lets her down easy. He simply states that its not fair for either to take a leap of faith at this point.

Commercial update: Did I just see Vin Diesel? Yes. Yes I did. The Bachelor finale included a trailer for Furious 7. Seriously. What a night! 

What’s going to happen when Chris proposes? Whitney’s head might explode! He does. It doesn’t. Still…what a night! 

The Bachelor: Juan Love Finale

For those reading at home, there will be two recaps of tonight's episode. This is Dugan here taking the pro-Juan Pablo side of events. I have to be honest, Fleiss & Co. really had me on the ropes there for a bit. About half-way through the episode, I texted Tim unsure if I could fulfill my role this evening. But the night continued and  the cloudy skies parted to reveal a hero to all true fans of not only love, but also the true goals of the Bachelor/ette. 

Et tu, Harrison?

As if the people of Venezuela have not suffered enough recently, host Chris Harrison comes out swinging during the opening. Chris promised tears, controversy, drama, debates and surprises. Worst of all, he questioned JP’s intentions. Tonight's episode reveals that Fleiss & Co. have a tried and true script and any deviations from said script will be dealt with through national ridicule and public shamming. It was tough to watch them eat their own because JP refused to play by their rules.

Et tu, Mama, Papa, Primo, Hermano?

• Claire is the first to meet JP's family in beautiful St. Lucia. In news that interests Dugan, Claire points out how much sexier JP is because of his fatherhood. Dugan is at least 3x as sexy as JP judging by the same standards.
• Claire spends two minutes around JP and his daughter and determines that JP is “exactly the type of dad I would want for my children.” HOW?
• Claire has 13 nieces and nephews and is ready to start her own brood.
• JP's family picks up where Harrison left off
• Mama reveals he is not only hyperactive, but super hyperactive, has poor communication skills, makes his own mother cry and is rude. Thanks, mom?
• Primo Rodolfo warns that JP will run at the first hint of relationship problems.
• Papa warns that JP is "not easy"

Let's sum up the family's advice: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

Nurse Nikki Brings Flowers and a Back Tat

Nurse Nikki's visit brought about my favorite moment from tonight's episode.

JP's Family: “So….you’re from Kansas”

Nurse Nikki: “No, Missouri”

Ok, Americanos. Before we get all judgy with JP's family...let's play the newest WWT Game show...

KANSAN OR MISSOURIAN!!!

Here's the list:

• Sam Brownback
• Dick Gephardt
• Dwight Eisenhower
• Stan Musial
• George Brett
• Kathleen Sebelius
• Ulysses S. Grant
• J. William Fullbright
• Bob Dole
• Harry Truman
• John Danforth

10 or more correct = a Trista and Ryan happiness star

6 to 9 = Mesnick and Molly

3-5 = Sean and Catherine

1-2 = Brad Womack

0 = Jake Pavelka

Papa, Mama, and Primo Rodolfo continue to try and scare Nurse Nikki with all of JP's faults, but she is determined to stay interested.

Claire and JP's Helicopter Journey Veers Off Course

Look, no one is going to argue that JP is the most likable Bachelor/ette ever but ABC really tried to hammer this guy because he was honest. It's a two month dating show where very little quality time is allowed between the participants. There's been 18 Bachelors and 3 marriages. So Fleiss & Co. don't like anyone pulling back the curtain. They are determined to make the audience believe this is about love and marriage. And no Venezuelan is about to expose the great and powerful OZ due to honesty.

JP was attracted to Claire. Claire, understandably, didn't want sex to be the focus of their relationship. She wanted more. She wanted a real connection. There is a perfectly understandable reason JP and Claire's relationship was stalled at the physical connection they shared since early on the season. (Foreshadowing...)

Later that night, Claire wanted a more detailed explanation from JP. The problem is that he was being honest. I believe he got himself into more trouble because he had to keep this charade going for the cameras. They have chemistry and enjoy hooking up. Claire was upset that he stated he doesn’t know her. Oh, you know why he doesn't know you, Claire? Because he's been filming a TV show where he dates 27 women at once. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU. He’s being honest and telling you how he feels. JP admitted, “I could lie to you…”

That is what ABC, Harrison, and Fleiss & Co. wanted. The fact that JP was honest was his undoing.

Nurse Nikki's Catamaran Cruise

The Nurse Nikki final date was fairly guarded. It was like watching a Floyd Mayweather fight. Nothing happened. You did get a glimpse of JP when Nurse Nikki asked what life would be like without private islands: a tv with sports on. 

A co-worker predicted Nikki would win because she is the opposite of Claire. She never challenged JP and JP clearly does not like to get challenged. But their date also revealed her true feelings. Nurse Nikki is clearly into JP. Claire wants to win just to win.

Bad Moon Rising

• NO NEIL LANE. Bad Omen. Neil Lane is the most likable part of every season. And we didn't get Neil Lane. Why don't you just take out "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" while you're at it.
• In a strong runner up to the Missouri/Kansas quote of the night, Claire came strong with a contradiction: “the whole time, I wanted to be here…there were times when I wanted to bolt.” WAIT. Read that slowly. Again.
• After being rejected, she gave another strong effort: “I would never want my children having a father like you…”
• JP fires back: “WHOOOO. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
• Nikki arrives and secures a rose but not a ring
• JP gives a perfectly reasonable explanation that he wanted to be 100% sure about marriage before proposing.
• While batting 3 out of 18 for actual marriages, Harrison demands 100% engagements.
• Juan Pablo may be the only person involved treating marriage with the respect it deserves. 

After The Final Rose

Still smarting from the non-engagement, Harrison grills JP about saying "I love you." JP refuses. Again, Harrison and company  would rather JP lie and give the people what they want. They want roses and love and engagements, god damn it, and ABC delivers it twice a year on their pre-determined schedule. Harrison demands that JP subject himself to the Fleiss love machine.

Juan Pablo gives them a gentle reminder, "THIS IS REAL LIFE.”

Well, not really.

The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean's Finale

After the ice cream got scooped and the scotch put on ice (one rock), I took a look at our blog stats.  We are 400 pageviews away from 30,000.  I'd like to take a moment to pat ourselves on the back.  Though Dugan and I have accounted for 20,000 of those views, we should be proud.

On to the good stuff.  Mrs. Wags and I discussed the finale at dinner.  She asked me which bachelorette I thought would win.  I replied, "Lennay, because I just can't see a contestant with a foot tattoo winning it all."  I asked her who she thought would win.  She deftly said, "Lindsay, because I can't believe that a person with a foot tattoo has never won."  With the wise words of Wu Tang in mind, let's start the show.

The episode started off in the studio with @chrisbharrison announcing that this will be a "three hour finale."  Even with this time change, I'm worried that I will not be able to stay up this late.  The power of Neil Lane must get me through.

Sean's family arrived Thailand, dressed in their best Easter pastels, to meet the ladies.  Lennay came first.  Guess what?  She's falling in love.  I can see their future:

Sean's mom grilled Lennay about how she knew she was falling in love.  Lennay said it's because she writes him notes.  And he writes notes back.  How could the letter at the end be from anyone other than Lennay?  On the other hand, it would be better if the note was from Sean's mom, Chris Harrison, Emily, Neil Lane, or Dugan (not necessarily in that order).

Next came the General's Daughter.  For some reason, I just cannot see her winning.  Maybe it has something to do with this:

GD made a good impression with Sean's day about bringing up the power of prayer.  (Personal confession: "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" was the first tape I ever owned).

Sean, predictably, is in love with both women.  Sean's family, predictably, doesn't understand how someone can propose to one woman but be undecided.  ABC's producers, predictably, are very happy that Sean is following the protocol.

Sean showed just how torn up he is by pulling a Flajnik (see bottom for Dugan's Flajnik reference).

Sean then went on last-dates with each woman.  The General's Daughter went first.  They took a river raft down the muddy waters of the Mekong.  I wish they had gone swimming so they could get eaten by a couple of these catfish.  Instead, they stayed on the raft.  Sean said that that Lindsay would be a "hot old chick."  That seems like a very safe comment to make if you are going to choose the other woman.

Sidenote: I really like the music on the Bachelor.  I don't meditate, but the music makes me want to learn.  Can I get the soundtrack somewhere?

Lindsay said she had "something special" to share with Sean.  I assumed she meant lingerie, but it turned out to be three lanterns that fly away into the sky and represent their love and their future and some other really romantic things.  Sean probably wanted the lingerie.

We are now an hour into the show and NO NEIL LANE!  What the heck ABC!?

Lennay got her final date.  It started off with Scar telling Sean and Lennay to go to the Elephant Graveyard.  It was actually just a good old fashioned elephant walk.

Lennay struggled to say the right words to express how she feels.  Now that she bared her emotions, it gave Sean the chance to stick to the script and utter, "I never thought I would be in this position."  Do you think ABC has to write that on a cue card every season or do the bachelors just know?

Lennay finished the date by saying "I love you" to Sean.  Sean romantically replied, "thanks for the nice day."

Finally my wishes came true.  Neil Lane appeared in the 85th minute.  Sean awesomely said, "hey...Neil Lane."  I'm now inspired to only call my friends by their full names.  Looks like I have a fun game to play at work tomorrow.  Unfortunately, Sean Lowe picked the ring in about 20 seconds, robbing us of Neil Lane time.  I'm filing a formal complain with Chris Harrison.

The Proposal and the Rejection

The dreaded first woman out of the limo was the General's Daughter, rocking a healthy dose of overconfidence and just a dash of foot ink.  Sean greeted Lindsay with compliments, but then said "lā k̀xn" (goodbye, Thai-style).  Lindsay, in her most mature moment on the show, said "goodbye, I'm glad you found someone." 

As predicted, Harrison delivered a letter from Lennay.  The letter turned out to be a rather pedestrian love letter.  

Lennay arrived in her lucky gold dress.  Sean proposed marriage as Lennay as she almost passed out.  

Until next season, with hopefully just as many sunset elephant rides.

The Bachelorette Finale: From the Perspective of Arie

Ok, a day late and a rose short, but here we go with the finale recap from Arie. First, I was concerned that SLC Jef met with Emily's family before me. But then I saw he decided on a white tee to impress the in-laws. I like my chances.

As for the family, I am pretty sure Suzy smokes a carton a day, used to date the Marlboro man and is not going to stand in anyone's way. Dad's gonna be tough nut to crack. And playing the role of Emily's brother is Corporate Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. 

There is a little too much dead fiance and Brad talk here. Jef is screwed.

My chance to meet my future in-laws

I decided to match Jef's casual look and wore pajamas. Dad doesn’t want to waste my time. But I get a little nervous and waste everyone's time talking nonsense. I decide to break the ice talking to Dad and Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie about fishing…

I continue...

I am a little behind the 8 ball and need to bring the heat. I drop my single mother bomb to show how serious I am. I pass the Dad and Suzy test and only have Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie left to talk with.

Ok, I'll settle with you. Ernie freaked me out. There is a reason I race in Indy and not Nascar. Ernie told me I have a pirty mouth.

Jef's Date

Emily and Jef get a beach date – boring. Jef weasels his way into seeing Ricki and does a pretty good job breaking the ice. I could be in trouble. I wonder what scrapbook type gift Jef has planned. A book about curacao? Really? Emily, I'll get you the Indy 500 trophy.

Then Emily says she'll keep the coffee book "forever.” That is going to look so awkward on our coffee table in Scottsdale. 

(SIDEBAR - Where do these great gifts from bachelor/ette losers go? I want Blakeley’s scrap book!!! Please tell me there is a market for this paraphernalia.)

Uh oh. Did she just drop a “honey” when saying goodbye to Jef???

Honda commercial

Emily, did you notice the Honda commercial playing during the finale? It offered a ride with Mario Andretti or Arie Luyendyk. During the finale, were there commercials about Jef's father? I doubt it.

My Date with a Witch Doctor

Ok, I am beginning this date with an old witch doctor. Just your normal date. I am making a love potion. God, I hope this works. Emily always thought it would be me. Thought? Past tense? WTF?!?

This is pretty embarrassing. I just made a love potion for no reason. At least I didn't have to buy a ring from Neil Lane. But I also didn't get to meet Neil Lane. Is meeting Neil Lane worth proposing and being rejected? I think so. Now I am really upset. I didn't even get to meet Neil Lane.

My thoughts on the final rose ceremony 

I don't really know because I wasn't there.

See everyone next season on the Bachelor.

Through the Eyes of Emily, Ya'all.

Well, ya'all, I'm really excited to bring you this recap of the finale through the eyes of your next bachelorette winner. Fuck. I won? Well, listen here lil' angels, and I'll tell ya'll a storey about a prince named Brad, a wicked witch named Chantal and a fairy princess named Emily.

I knew Chantal would be meeting with Brad's family first. Look, she's a sweet thang and all, but therez no way she can match my storie. And the producers have told me all along I would be the next bachelor girl. The meeting with Brad's family was sweet until the tubby brother, Wes, kept on bringing up the deceased love of my life, Ricky. No, Wes, ricky's daddy aint going to be a major hangup.He gone. Chad and Wes take Brad aside and tell him how miserable life will be as a daddy. This show presents parenting as nightly trips to the hospital while losing all your friends, free time and fun. ABC's Bachelor did more for abstinence in 2 hours than our sweet southern states have over the last decade.

When I sat down with Brad's mom, Pam, I wanted to see if I could make her head explode. I went through my tragedy a few more times just so it really hit home. I got her good and swelled up with tears. Then, I called her son, Brad, my angel. More tears. Then she began to fizzle and spark like a fembot. Then I showed her my bracelet that I wear everyday with my dead Ricky's initials.

And then I told her how I can't wait to have Brad's initials on my wrist. And her head blew up. Golly, it waz funny. Once I secured the family's vote, it was down to our one-on-ones.

I knew the producers would put that ho in a bathing suit one more time. Id be surprized if she didnt go ATM. Who the hell manages to show boobies in a wet suit? But the producers didn't let Brad stay overnight. Damn, that's when Chantal could have clinched it and eased my path as the next Bachelorette.

The golly darn producers put me in another flying machine to a picnic. If I go on one more fucking picnic with Brad, I'm going to shoot someone. Let's recap:

1. Winery picnic

2. Rose ceremony picnic

3. Deserted island picnic

4. Safari picnic

5. Cape of Good Hope Picnic.

I give it one more shot telling Brad how much it sucks being a parent. Mind you, I've been on this show for so long that North Carolina Department of Children and Families has taken lil' Ricky away from me so Brad won't have to be a parent if we win. After Brad's brothers and I are done with him, this is Brad's view of lil' Ricky:

It's the morning of the rose ceremony and the full team of makeup and hair artists come and get me ready. Then they tell me to get back in bed so they can get a shot of me waking up fully dolled up and run to the windowsill to look aimlessly at the ocean. What's odd is that I do that all the time in Charlotte!!!

Let's get to the rose ceremony. I chucked when we were going to Ernie Els winery as I always referred to Chantal as "Big Easy."  Nearing the rose ceremony, I begin to re-think this bachelorette thing. I actually like Brad. We could make this work. And it helps that we are in formal wear. Chantal wood've a better chance if she dressed lika Hooters girl. It's go time.