Through the Eyes of Emily, Ya'all.

Well, ya'all, I'm really excited to bring you this recap of the finale through the eyes of your next bachelorette winner. Fuck. I won? Well, listen here lil' angels, and I'll tell ya'll a storey about a prince named Brad, a wicked witch named Chantal and a fairy princess named Emily.

I knew Chantal would be meeting with Brad's family first. Look, she's a sweet thang and all, but therez no way she can match my storie. And the producers have told me all along I would be the next bachelor girl. The meeting with Brad's family was sweet until the tubby brother, Wes, kept on bringing up the deceased love of my life, Ricky. No, Wes, ricky's daddy aint going to be a major hangup.He gone. Chad and Wes take Brad aside and tell him how miserable life will be as a daddy. This show presents parenting as nightly trips to the hospital while losing all your friends, free time and fun. ABC's Bachelor did more for abstinence in 2 hours than our sweet southern states have over the last decade.

When I sat down with Brad's mom, Pam, I wanted to see if I could make her head explode. I went through my tragedy a few more times just so it really hit home. I got her good and swelled up with tears. Then, I called her son, Brad, my angel. More tears. Then she began to fizzle and spark like a fembot. Then I showed her my bracelet that I wear everyday with my dead Ricky's initials.

And then I told her how I can't wait to have Brad's initials on my wrist. And her head blew up. Golly, it waz funny. Once I secured the family's vote, it was down to our one-on-ones.

I knew the producers would put that ho in a bathing suit one more time. Id be surprized if she didnt go ATM. Who the hell manages to show boobies in a wet suit? But the producers didn't let Brad stay overnight. Damn, that's when Chantal could have clinched it and eased my path as the next Bachelorette.

The golly darn producers put me in another flying machine to a picnic. If I go on one more fucking picnic with Brad, I'm going to shoot someone. Let's recap:

1. Winery picnic

2. Rose ceremony picnic

3. Deserted island picnic

4. Safari picnic

5. Cape of Good Hope Picnic.

I give it one more shot telling Brad how much it sucks being a parent. Mind you, I've been on this show for so long that North Carolina Department of Children and Families has taken lil' Ricky away from me so Brad won't have to be a parent if we win. After Brad's brothers and I are done with him, this is Brad's view of lil' Ricky:

It's the morning of the rose ceremony and the full team of makeup and hair artists come and get me ready. Then they tell me to get back in bed so they can get a shot of me waking up fully dolled up and run to the windowsill to look aimlessly at the ocean. What's odd is that I do that all the time in Charlotte!!!

Let's get to the rose ceremony. I chucked when we were going to Ernie Els winery as I always referred to Chantal as "Big Easy."  Nearing the rose ceremony, I begin to re-think this bachelorette thing. I actually like Brad. We could make this work. And it helps that we are in formal wear. Chantal wood've a better chance if she dressed lika Hooters girl. It's go time.