Hey friends, we are going to end Hans’ season in Finland with a little ice skating, Santa Claus and Neil fucking Lane!
Nick's Family
Hey, it’s Nick’s family on national tv again. Remember this is their third appearance on the Fleiss franchise. While the shoe is on the other foot this season, the family is still concerned about the Hans’ heartbreak.
That’s So Raven
Look, we all know that Raven’s the underdog and Fleiss & Co are going to inject enough drama into the finale as possible. We begin with the Raven-Bella connection. I assume that Raven is much closer to Bella’s age than Hans, but don’t feel like doing the math. Even on pi day.
My favorite part of Raven’s visit with the family? Hans’ mom cannot imagine Raven hurting somebody.
Flashback: Earlier this season, Raven admitted to stabbing an ex with a stiletto mid copulation.
Special Ed Vanessa
The meeting with the family was interesting. Vanessa flipped the script and put the family on its heels. Vanessa also expressed a lack of interest in getting engaged and concerns about moving from Montreal.
Dad talks the options over with Hans. He thinks Vanessa is more of the same. Vanessa is obviously Hans’ type, but is she the right choice.
Hans has a type?
The Final Date Highlights
Mrs. Dugan hates horseback riding. The frigid temps did not make it appears more fun. But did you see Santa Claus popping out behind the Christmas trees? Reminds me of the greatest holiday special since the epic Star Wars performance.
Santa Claus wants some lovin.
Vanessa still doesn’t understand the limitations of the show. Hans puts on his best Nick Saban imitation and respects the Fleiss & Co process.
Hans and Raven ice skated and played with puppies.
Raven is taking the positive approach to Vanessa’s confrontational attitude.
It’s ring and rose time. And first up, we have Raven which is never a good sign. She is cut but holds up very well. My favorite part is after breaking her heart, Fleiss & Co. send Raven packing in the snow without her jacket.
Vanessa walks in and tells Harrison “I’m nervous.”
Harrison: “You should be.”
What the hell Harrison? Never mind the Harrison sidestep, Vanessa secures the final rose after placing her jacket over Raven’s.
Cool your jets, fellow
Bachelor/ette fans…we have quite a while to wait for Neil Lane. We first have to spend
some quality time with our finalists: Ambivalent Becca and All-In Whitney. And
we have our heartsick Faux Farmer falling in love with both. This season has disappointed
but the finale did not. We have drama, tears of joy, sadness, Neil Lane, Vin
Diesel, and the most amazing garage I have ever seen.
The girls settled in Dubuque,
Iowa as the closest city of any import. Distance from Arlington? One hour
and fifteen minutes. Arlinton, YOU KEEP GETTING WORSE!
All-In Whitney
Whitney is leaving no stone unturned. Within the first five minutes, Whitney has expressed her love for
farmers, farms, the Hawkeyes, the Cyclones (kidding, no one roots for the Cyclones),
Dan Gable, John Denver, the movie Son-in-Law,
etc etc etc
Sister Act
The Sisters' Act interrogation
begins. Basically, it boils down to one topic. Arlington, Iowa.
Whitney has all the right
answers.
“Love is more important”
“Can be a nurse anywhere”
“Excited to also have parents
again”
Yikes, just give her the final
rose already. As much as the sisters approved, Chris’ mom was even more
on board. Mrs. Dugan and I wonder if this is the best family meeting ever?
My personal highlight? DID YOU
SEE HIS GARAGE?!?!? His garage is bigger than my home. Inside said Garage Mahal, an interesting discussion was taking place between Chris and the male members of his family. Chris' brothers-in-law urged he make the safe pick with Whitney instead of hard-to-get Becca.
Ambivalent Becca
You know, it’s funny having your
own blog about the Bachelor/ette. You remember little details that make your
spouse question why certain grocery or honey do list items are forgotten but
the smallest Bachelor/ette details get remembered. Becca pops out of the SUV and the infographic at the bottom shows age 26, chiropractic assistant from San Diego. This is odd. I
remember she was 25 when the show began. I checked the opening blog entry and
confirmed my suspicion.
Regardless, it’s time to meet the family and
the Soules Sisters all have children on their lap (HINT HINT, Hugs Becca!) THIS
IS WHAT WE DO HERE!
The sisters want to know where Becca’s
head is at. And Becca didn’t hold back. She isn’t willing to move to Arlington.
She wants to proceed long distance. She also appears to not fully understand at
what point we are at in the season: “If Whitney’s further ahead, does our
relationship have to end?”
UMMM….YES! That’s exactly what
happens. Fleiss & Co. demand roses and marriage.
Chris One on One Time with Becca
As some of you may remember, I
thoroughly enjoyed when Juan Pablo would go off scrip. Becca goes full Juan
Pablo in the finale: “I can’t make any promises on when I could be ready to
move and pick up my life…”
Chris is distraught. He is
thinking this is NOT how this was supposed to go. God forbid Becca wanting to
get married and have kids on her own schedule. Then comes, not the QOTN, but the
Quote of the Series from Chris. QOTS!
“Why don’t you love me?” I
stopped listening here because I was laughing out loud for the rest of their
time together…I love you Bachelor/ette.
Date with Whitney
Whitney continues to bring a
strong commitment game. She is discussing “our kids” and how beautiful
Arlington is. She is seriously all in. She loves being domestic and prefers
Arlington to Bali. We get in, Whitney, we get it.
Neil Lane Comes To Heat Up Arlington
NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!
Becca’s weird style continues
with the red velvet dress and Chris lets her down easy. He simply states that
its not fair for either to take a leap of faith at this point.
Commercial update: Did I just see Vin Diesel? Yes. Yes I did. The Bachelor
finale included a trailer for Furious 7. Seriously. What a night!
What’s going to happen when Chris
proposes? Whitney’s head might explode! He does. It doesn’t. Still…what a
night!
For those reading at home, there will be two recaps of tonight's episode. This is Dugan here taking the pro-Juan Pablo side of events. I have to be honest, Fleiss & Co. really had me on the ropes there for a bit. About half-way through the episode, I texted Tim unsure if I could fulfill my role this evening. But the night continued and the cloudy skies parted to reveal a hero to all true fans of not only love, but also the true goals of the Bachelor/ette.
Et tu, Harrison?
As if the people of Venezuela have not suffered enough recently, host Chris Harrison comes out swinging during the opening. Chris promised tears, controversy, drama, debates and surprises. Worst of all, he questioned JP’s intentions. Tonight's episode reveals that Fleiss & Co. have a tried and true script and any deviations from said script will be dealt with through national ridicule and public shamming. It was tough to watch them eat their own because JP refused to play by their rules.
Et tu, Mama, Papa, Primo, Hermano?
Claire is the first to meet JP's family in beautiful St. Lucia. In news that interests Dugan, Claire points out how much sexier JP is because of his fatherhood. Dugan is at least 3x as sexy as JP judging by the same standards.
Claire spends two minutes around JP and his daughter and determines that JP is “exactly the type of dad I would want for my children.” HOW?
Claire has 13 nieces and nephews and is ready to start her own brood.
JP's family picks up where Harrison left off
Mama reveals he is not only hyperactive, but super hyperactive, has poor communication skills, makes his own mother cry and is rude. Thanks, mom?
Primo Rodolfo warns that JP will run at the first hint of relationship problems.
Papa warns that JP is "not easy"
Let's sum up the family's advice: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!
Nurse Nikki Brings Flowers and a Back Tat
Nurse Nikki's visit brought about my favorite moment from tonight's episode.
JP's Family: “So….you’re from Kansas”
Nurse Nikki: “No, Missouri”
Ok, Americanos. Before we get all judgy with JP's family...let's play the newest WWT Game show...
KANSAN OR MISSOURIAN!!!
Here's the list:
Sam Brownback
Dick Gephardt
Dwight Eisenhower
Stan Musial
George Brett
Kathleen Sebelius
Ulysses S. Grant
J. William Fullbright
Bob Dole
Harry Truman
John Danforth
10 or more correct = a Trista and Ryan happiness star
6 to 9 = Mesnick and Molly
3-5 = Sean and Catherine
1-2 = Brad Womack
0 = Jake Pavelka
Papa, Mama, and Primo Rodolfo continue to try and scare Nurse Nikki with all of JP's faults, but she is determined to stay interested.
Claire and JP's Helicopter Journey Veers Off Course
Look, no one is going to argue that JP is the most likable Bachelor/ette ever but ABC really tried to hammer this guy because he was honest. It's a two month dating show where very little quality time is allowed between the participants. There's been 18 Bachelors and 3 marriages. So Fleiss & Co. don't like anyone pulling back the curtain. They are determined to make the audience believe this is about love and marriage. And no Venezuelan is about to expose the great and powerful OZ due to honesty.
JP was attracted to Claire. Claire, understandably, didn't want sex to be the focus of their relationship. She wanted more. She wanted a real connection. There is a perfectly understandable reason JP and Claire's relationship was stalled at the physical connection they shared since early on the season. (Foreshadowing...)
Later that night, Claire wanted a more detailed explanation from JP. The problem is that he was being honest. I believe he got himself into more trouble because he had to keep this charade going for the cameras. They have chemistry and enjoy hooking up. Claire was upset that he stated he doesn’t know her. Oh, you know why he doesn't know you, Claire? Because he's been filming a TV show where he dates 27 women at once. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU. He’s being honest and telling you how he feels. JP admitted, “I could lie to you…”
That is what ABC, Harrison, and Fleiss & Co. wanted. The fact that JP was honest was his undoing.
Nurse Nikki's Catamaran Cruise
The Nurse Nikki final date was fairly guarded. It was like watching a Floyd Mayweather fight. Nothing happened. You did get a glimpse of JP when Nurse Nikki asked what life would be like without private islands: a tv with sports on.
A co-worker predicted Nikki would win because she is the opposite of Claire. She never challenged JP and JP clearly does not like to get challenged. But their date also revealed her true feelings. Nurse Nikki is clearly into JP. Claire wants to win just to win.
Bad Moon Rising
NO NEIL LANE. Bad Omen. Neil Lane is the most likable part of every season. And we didn't get Neil Lane. Why don't you just take out "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" while you're at it.
In a strong runner up to the Missouri/Kansas quote of the night, Claire came strong with a contradiction: “the whole time, I wanted to be here…there were times when I wanted to bolt.” WAIT. Read that slowly. Again.
After being rejected, she gave another strong effort: “I would never want my children having a father like you…”
JP fires back: “WHOOOO. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
Nikki arrives and secures a rose but not a ring
JP gives a perfectly reasonable explanation that he wanted to be 100% sure about marriage before proposing.
While batting 3 out of 18 for actual marriages, Harrison demands 100% engagements.
Juan Pablo may be the only person involved treating marriage with the respect it deserves.
After The Final Rose
Still smarting from the non-engagement, Harrison grills JP about saying "I love you." JP refuses. Again, Harrison and company would rather JP lie and give the people what they want. They want roses and love and engagements, god damn it, and ABC delivers it twice a year on their pre-determined schedule. Harrison demands that JP subject himself to the Fleiss love machine.
Juan Pablo gives them a gentle reminder, "THIS IS REAL LIFE.”
Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings. On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way. Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts. There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:
1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:
After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.
I have said enough. Let's start the show.
The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart. Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry). Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce. I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times. He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.
There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane. In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with. Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy. For that, I will never forgive Brooks.
Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week
Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris. Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying). She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying). Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.
I'm really excited to be here.
So far, there have not been any tweets this week. Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.
(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience? I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)
Drew Who Gets a Date
Des decided to proceed with the process. There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.
Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew." Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."
Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love." As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship. Neil Lane continues to fume at home.
Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries." This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.
Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.
Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner. With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters." Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.
Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.
Chris's Chance
Chris started off the date with Des smiling. So that's good.
While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des. She seemed to be talking herself into Chris. Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs." This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane. She only speaks in platitudes. For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:
"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).
(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).
Chris gave Des a book of poems. Des proceeded to break out in tears. Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.
Des decided to introduce Chris to her family. Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer. Nate peppered Chris with questions. Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace. You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.
Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.
The Final Rose
NEIL LANE. NEIL LANE. NEIL LANE. Every kiss begins with Neil Lane. I don't care what happens on the rest of the show. We got some Neil Lane. By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look. But who doesn't, really?
Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life." I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show. He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.
Note the consistent outfit
Chris exited the limo first. Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally). Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.
Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!). But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good). But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).
In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?
But really, they might actually be good for each other. I sure hope so (because I believe in true love). If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it. After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing." I agree. I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.
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