The Bachelorette Finale: From the Perspective of Arie

Ok, a day late and a rose short, but here we go with the finale recap from Arie. First, I was concerned that SLC Jef met with Emily's family before me. But then I saw he decided on a white tee to impress the in-laws. I like my chances.

As for the family, I am pretty sure Suzy smokes a carton a day, used to date the Marlboro man and is not going to stand in anyone's way. Dad's gonna be tough nut to crack. And playing the role of Emily's brother is Corporate Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. 

There is a little too much dead fiance and Brad talk here. Jef is screwed.

My chance to meet my future in-laws

I decided to match Jef's casual look and wore pajamas. Dad doesn’t want to waste my time. But I get a little nervous and waste everyone's time talking nonsense. I decide to break the ice talking to Dad and Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie about fishing…

I continue...

I am a little behind the 8 ball and need to bring the heat. I drop my single mother bomb to show how serious I am. I pass the Dad and Suzy test and only have Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie left to talk with.

Ok, I'll settle with you. Ernie freaked me out. There is a reason I race in Indy and not Nascar. Ernie told me I have a pirty mouth.

Jef's Date

Emily and Jef get a beach date – boring. Jef weasels his way into seeing Ricki and does a pretty good job breaking the ice. I could be in trouble. I wonder what scrapbook type gift Jef has planned. A book about curacao? Really? Emily, I'll get you the Indy 500 trophy.

Then Emily says she'll keep the coffee book "forever.” That is going to look so awkward on our coffee table in Scottsdale. 

(SIDEBAR - Where do these great gifts from bachelor/ette losers go? I want Blakeley’s scrap book!!! Please tell me there is a market for this paraphernalia.)

Uh oh. Did she just drop a “honey” when saying goodbye to Jef???

Honda commercial

Emily, did you notice the Honda commercial playing during the finale? It offered a ride with Mario Andretti or Arie Luyendyk. During the finale, were there commercials about Jef's father? I doubt it.

My Date with a Witch Doctor

Ok, I am beginning this date with an old witch doctor. Just your normal date. I am making a love potion. God, I hope this works. Emily always thought it would be me. Thought? Past tense? WTF?!?

This is pretty embarrassing. I just made a love potion for no reason. At least I didn't have to buy a ring from Neil Lane. But I also didn't get to meet Neil Lane. Is meeting Neil Lane worth proposing and being rejected? I think so. Now I am really upset. I didn't even get to meet Neil Lane.

My thoughts on the final rose ceremony 

I don't really know because I wasn't there.

See everyone next season on the Bachelor.

The Bachelorette Almost Fantasy Suite Episode: Emily's Race to Love

We are introduced to beautiful Curacao for the fantasy suite episode with Sean, SLC Jef and Indy Arie. As Mrs. Dugan and the lil' Dugans are vacationing, I got to play the part of Fleiss & Co. this past weekend setting up my own fantasy suite date in the Florida Keys for former Tank Bachelor candidate Matt H. and Terrier Friend C.A.. Enough for inside baseball, let's get back to the episode. How does one bachelor blogging father keep what self respect they have left? Make sure the Home Run Derby is on the second TV.

Emily begins the episode lauding the three remaining guys with compliments: 

• Sean
• "Immediate connection, would be best dad ever"
• "Only wants to get married once"
• "Always be there for her"
• "Deeper than butterflies" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  – Do these people talk about actual life? Whether they will have joint checking accounts, religious beliefs, political beliefs…anything of significance?!?
• SLC Jef
• "own person, marches to own drum"
• "likes guys with an edge"
• "Quirky sense of humor"
• "Gets me in a way nobody else does"
• "Would make the best husband and the best step dad ever"
• Indy Arie
• Immediate connection (her thing for race car drivers...I'm looking at you Little E, Junior, Junebug)
• I keep wondering if they are grooming Arie to be the next bachelor?
• "Be my best friend, love me forever"

Emily concludes the prologue with the same speech given every year about falling for 3 guys at the same time and worrying about sending the wrong one home.  

Emily's Inquisition of Sean

What is Sean's big problem?  He has not dropped the L bomb yet. What does Sean have going for him? He gets to spend the day at Klein Island in Curacao.

This is the first episode of the season that there have been chinks in the Sean armor. His family opened him up to criticism based on past relationships. In conceited fashion, Sean says he maintained distance to prevent girlfriends from getting attached. I don't think Sean is helping himself and he knows it. What does Sean do? Offers up quote of the season material to change the subject: “So, I saw the snorkel stuff in the bag. Lets use it.” HILARIOUS. Sean, you win forever.

Later, at dinner, I start to wonder about Sean's chances. Does anyone believe that Sean likes Emily? Doubt is creeping. When he starts reading a letter to Ricki, I roll my eyes and think there is no way that’s his handwriting. I start to question if the same producer that dated Indy Arie writes all these notes. Then, the Fantasy Suite card comes out. Hmmmmm. Pretty, pretty similar.

As for that Fantasy Suite card , Emily gives him the boot. Woa. 

Sailing with SLC Jef

SLC Jef and Emily sail to an island for some paddle-surfing, cliff jumping and beach time. SLC Jef assures Emily that she passed his family's expectations. Now that she passed his family's test, SLC wants to meet Ricki to know if it can work with her. 

Before dinner, SLC offers a ridiculous quote. It's so bad I feel bad about typing it: “Sun is setting here in Curacao, but for me and Emily a whole life together is starting” – oh gad.

Dinner with SLC Jef

I appreciate that SLC Jef is getting past platitudes and asking real questions. 

• Where do you want to live? 
• Why can’t you find a guy? 
• Am I a good fit for Ricki?

SLC Jef says no to the fantasy suite card out of respect. Strong move. She wanted to turn him down but he beat her to the punch. 

Sailing with Indy Arie

Indy Arie and Emily are going swimming with wild dolphins in the ocean. This is not Sea World. Dugan has done this. Here.

But I did it at that lighthouse. And I completely understand why Emily was scared. But Indy Arie was not scared swimming with Dolphins proving he’d be a great dad. Seriously? I don't follow.

Over dinner, Emily keeps talking about how hard it will be to turn down the fantasy suite with Indy Arie. But she wants to know what Indy Arie is like on just a regular day. Not a day at the track, but just a regular day. 

What does Indy Arie do? “I sleep in and go out almost every meal.” I half-heartedly expected Emily to say that's why she thinks Arie is ready to be a father. She is willing to forgive Arie pretty much anything to get back together with a race car driver.

The Rose Ceremony

The guys make videos for Emily. I’ll recap the videos: the guys like her. It's island casual theme for the rose ceremony. And the first rose goes to SLC JEF! SHOCKED! Then Indy Arie. Less shocked, but still pretty surprised with SLC Jef over Sean. His lack of a nickname proved fatal.

Who is most happy about this decision?

But let's take a closer look at Sean's exit.

It looks pretty desolate. 1am? 2am? We know the early-season rose ceremonies go late. How about later in the season? I checked the departures for the Curacao airport (see link). Sorry, Sean, you are not flying direct out of Curacao back to Texas. Shit, you aren't going anywhere for a while. So that really means the drive away is just for show and he returns back to the hotel with all the crew, Emily, SLC and Indy. Ouch.

Until next week and the Men Tell All. 

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Emily's Race to Love

Bachelorette Limbo

Emily begins with a recap of last week when she “didn’t send someone home.” “WHAT?!,” say Egg Man and Uncle Rico. Where are Egg Man and Uncle Rico if they weren’t sent home? Does Bachelorette Limbo exist? In the Divine Comedy poem Inferno, Dante depicts Limbo as the first circle of Hell, where its denizens inhabit a brightly lit and beautiful—but somber—castle. Bachelor Pad? Who else is in Bachelorette Limbo?

Back in the Czech Republic, there will be 3 one-on-ones and some Group Action in the final episode before hometowns. There will be no rose on the one-on-ones and one up for grabs on the group date.

Indy Arie and The Secret

Emily invites Indy Arie to czech out Prague on the episode’s first one-on-one date. She knows his secret but wants Arie to volunteer the information. This turns out to be an awful fishing expedition for some deep, dark secret that never materializes.

Back at the Bachelor mansion, Harrison interrupts the episode to introduce himself

“Hi, I’m Chris Harrison…” Really, Chris? We are on episode 7 of season 8, Chris, and we know who you are. The big secret? Indy Arie dated Bachelor/ette producer Cassie Lambert.

Emily continues throwing out questions but Arie isn’t biting.

Harrison re-introduces himself (seriously, he did) and explains Emily, Arie and Cassie discussed his past relationship. Arie is 30. He has known Cassie for 10 years. Meaning this was when he was 20 and it was a “brief relationship.” Mrs. Dugan and guests are pretty confidant that it was a one-night stand.

Indy Arie says “I love you” and gets to stay on the show.

The Wolf Alone

The Wolf - why the hell is this guy still on the show – has the next one on one. Mrs. Dugan brings up another great point: “This is the tamest guy I have ever seen named ‘Wolf.’” What did he do to become “Wolf”? Guest Kristin wonders whether he is Frank-the-Tankesque and turns into “Wolf” when he drinks.

Wolf explains his reticence. He has a hard shell inherited from his father.

After the Lenin wall and Lock gate, Emily and Wolf go back to their dating roots. In a nod to their two-on-one Bermuda Cave date, Emily brings the Wolf to a dungeon. As our loyal readers know, dialogue in this show makes it must see TV. Watch and listen closely to the Wolf discuss his most recent relationship.

“As I age, I date girls that are more like me.” Seems pretty innocuous. But when explaining that the former girlfriend went off the grid cheating with “Doctor Dude,” where did the Wolf look for her? “Hospitals, then prisons.” PRISONS WERE THE SECOND PLACE HE MENTIONED. If Mrs. Dugan is missing, it is going to take me a while to get to prisons.

Some Side Notes

• Emily calls the Wolf a Closer and Sean “closes” his date. Hmmmmmmm.
• Sean. Can a guy without a nickname win?
• Bobblehead Chris is losing it back with the guys. He decided to drink and sit on a ledge. Totally normal.

Castle Time with Sean, Father Doug and Bobblehead

Father Doug looks like he is chaperoning the 2 on 1 date. Doug is squarely in the Friend Zone and starting to remind me of Brent from 2001-2002 Tank Movie of the Year, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.”

Doug’s terrible body language precedes an awkward kiss followed by quote of the night material from Emily: “Thank you for that.” Emily puts him out of his misery and pushes him off Bachelor cliff.

Doug, quivering, “Did I do something wrong?” YES.

Group Date becomes a Two-on-One

Sean’s got a big key, no nickname, more kisses, and a rose. Bobblehead has a crumbling psyche.

Emily: “I hope you don’t take it personally”

Bobblehead Chris: “I am pissed off. If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for everyone around me.” Father material for Ricki.

SLC Jef, Puppet Master

Fleiss & Co’s Bachelorette budget is on fumes as SLC Jef and Emily take a date to a Prague bodega and lie on a library floor. I enjoyed the SLC Jef pun when he picked up a puppet for Emily’s daughter: “we couldn’t leave Ricki hanging…” Chortle.

Puppet action, the L bomb and some SLC Jef family talk. Who doesn’t want to meet them? His family is really private and not open to the world.

Rose Ceremony

Bobblehead is continuing his demise. We are watching a man break down on TV. And we thought the Wolf was a goner. Wolf brought out his secret weapon - Bobbleheads’ tendency for foot in mouth issues. Emily saves Bobblehead via shortcutting the cocktail hour and going right for the roses. She doesn’t get to see how desperate Bobblehead has become….or does she.

SLC Jef

Indy Arie

Now, is it the guy named “Wolf” or the guy crying?

After a short pep talk where Bobblehead Chris could not have been more pathetic, Emily chooses…

CHRIS!

WTF?