The Bachelor Episode 9: Jamaica Mistaica

We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.

Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence



Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.

Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”

It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben.

LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach

Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.

Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.

Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date

Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!

I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”  What?

Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug

Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.

The Bachelor Episode Nueve: Juan Love

Wags has handed the baton back to Dugan for the Saint Lucia recap. It's Fantasy Suite time and as Juan Pablo points out about a hundred times - there are no cameras in the Fantasy Suites. He mentioned it enough that I became concerned about his intentions inside the Fantasy Suite.

Vidal Sassoon Pretends She Won't Take the Bait

Due to the issues surrounding their Vietnam ocean excursion, Vidal explains she may refuse the fantasy suite option. No one is buying that. Even funnier, when you google "no one is buying" it directs you to a Microsoft Surface. Sorry, Microsft. Something tells me Microsft will be just fine. I'm about as sure about that as I am that Vidal will be staying over.

While jumping off a yacht, Mrs. Dugan reminds me this is Vidal's SECOND time in the ocean. Ever. JP sees if he can up his BS game to match Vidal's: "All your sisters were awesome” Even Lara?

As a fellow hispanic and south Floridian, I tried to give JP the benefit of the doubt. I tried to excuse his words due to ESL but I simply think he is a shallow moron. I hate to say it. I wanted to like him, but explanations of the raw beauty of Saint Lucia were reduced to Tony Montanaesque musings: “This is frickin beautiful.”

It's Fantasy Suite time. What does this mean to JP? NO CAMERAS. Women, he is planning on killing you in the fantasy suit. Vidal survives. We think.

Abbie Carmichael’s Closing Argument

Abbie Carmichael begins their date with some steel drum action. Considering we have witnessed her dance moves, I am guessing the rythm is not going to get her. Shout out, Gloria.

JP charmed Abbie feeding poor native children and playing soccer with same before Land Buggy drive to waterfalls. Haven't these two been chasing waterfalls all season? You know what TLC and Neil Lane say.

Abbie and JP seem to have a real conversation about their feelings and concerns shared in Atlanta. Abbie knows she will have to be a wife and mother. JP knows Fleiss & Co. have forced him to keep Abbie to up her Q rating before the Bachelorette. It's a match made in Fleiss heaven - combustible.

Fantasy Suite Perfection/Nightmare

I have to applaud Fleiss and Co for the editing between JP and Abbie's take on the fantasy suite.

JP's Version

• “laughed for hours”
• “we just get along very well. Our connection, I didn’t know it was going to be this good.”
• “I’m happy. Very happy.”

 Abbie's Version

• “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite…”
• “Saw a side I didn’t really like. The whole night was a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well. I hope he did not think that was a good date.”
• "Didn’t care about who I was, what I thought, what I want in life…
• Didn’t ask questions about myself
• Brought up Fantasy Suite night with Vidal (Oops.)

You did what???

Nikki’s Fringe Overnight.

There's not much to say about a horseback ride to a secluded beach. The best part of the date was JP listing the attributes he likes in Nikki:

• Honest
• Pretty
• Sexy
• Cares about people and I like that a lot.

HOLY SHIT. JUAN PABLO IS NOT TONY MONTANA. HE IS FOREST GUMP.

Videos, a Farewell to our next Bachelorette and the Rose Ceremony

• Nurse Nikki wants to win
• Vidal wants JP
• Abbie Carmichael wants answers.

Abbie forgoes the video and chooses to face JP attorney-to-Tony Gump. She explains she isn't in love and won't ever be. Much to Abbie's chagrin, JP is perfectly content with the news. You got the feeling that Abbie wanted more. She wanted heartache and pleading.

She got, "It's ok."

It wasn't ok with Abbie. Not at all. Abbie wanted to pummel him into submission and she simply received "it's ok" in return. For Forest Gump, it was incredible defense.

Rose Ceremony

By default (see what I did there?), Nurse Nikki and Vidal Sasson remain. Both accept a rose but Vidal has to be the clear favorite to win it all. Next week is the Women Tell All...

The Bachelorette Finale: From the Perspective of Arie

Ok, a day late and a rose short, but here we go with the finale recap from Arie. First, I was concerned that SLC Jef met with Emily's family before me. But then I saw he decided on a white tee to impress the in-laws. I like my chances.

As for the family, I am pretty sure Suzy smokes a carton a day, used to date the Marlboro man and is not going to stand in anyone's way. Dad's gonna be tough nut to crack. And playing the role of Emily's brother is Corporate Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. 

There is a little too much dead fiance and Brad talk here. Jef is screwed.

My chance to meet my future in-laws

I decided to match Jef's casual look and wore pajamas. Dad doesn’t want to waste my time. But I get a little nervous and waste everyone's time talking nonsense. I decide to break the ice talking to Dad and Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie about fishing…

I continue...

I am a little behind the 8 ball and need to bring the heat. I drop my single mother bomb to show how serious I am. I pass the Dad and Suzy test and only have Corporate Buffalo Bill Ernie left to talk with.

Ok, I'll settle with you. Ernie freaked me out. There is a reason I race in Indy and not Nascar. Ernie told me I have a pirty mouth.

Jef's Date

Emily and Jef get a beach date – boring. Jef weasels his way into seeing Ricki and does a pretty good job breaking the ice. I could be in trouble. I wonder what scrapbook type gift Jef has planned. A book about curacao? Really? Emily, I'll get you the Indy 500 trophy.

Then Emily says she'll keep the coffee book "forever.” That is going to look so awkward on our coffee table in Scottsdale. 

(SIDEBAR - Where do these great gifts from bachelor/ette losers go? I want Blakeley’s scrap book!!! Please tell me there is a market for this paraphernalia.)

Uh oh. Did she just drop a “honey” when saying goodbye to Jef???

Honda commercial

Emily, did you notice the Honda commercial playing during the finale? It offered a ride with Mario Andretti or Arie Luyendyk. During the finale, were there commercials about Jef's father? I doubt it.

My Date with a Witch Doctor

Ok, I am beginning this date with an old witch doctor. Just your normal date. I am making a love potion. God, I hope this works. Emily always thought it would be me. Thought? Past tense? WTF?!?

This is pretty embarrassing. I just made a love potion for no reason. At least I didn't have to buy a ring from Neil Lane. But I also didn't get to meet Neil Lane. Is meeting Neil Lane worth proposing and being rejected? I think so. Now I am really upset. I didn't even get to meet Neil Lane.

My thoughts on the final rose ceremony 

I don't really know because I wasn't there.

See everyone next season on the Bachelor.