We are in the Caribbean and have three women left: Software Caila, LB and JoJo Trump. Caila is the best fit. LB is the girl he couldn't get in real life. And JoJo has to be the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette.
Caila and Ben and the Sounds of Silence
Ben and Caila go whitewater rafting with a Rastafarian guide. The anxiety of the overnight and Caila's hesitance to share her feelings lead to a silent raft trip. The jerk chicken stand doesn't even loosen Caila up and we are beginning to fear this overnight might end well. Alas, dinner and copious amoubts of alcohol turned the night around. Thank you, Fleiss & Co.
Alcohol brings about the first L bomb of the night. No reciprocation from Ben but he's willing to test out the software...if you catch my drift. Ben drops a nice quote that makes me laugh in hindsight: "I could wake up and know tonight that Caila’s the women for me….”
It should have continued ..."But I’m still going to sleep with the other two women." Ben thought this but did not say it on national tv. Morning included more "love" talk from Caila and continued lack of a response from Ben. LB, Ben and Mel at Gibraltar Beach
Turtles can live for 100 years. I like that fact. LB hopes her relationship with Ben lasts that long.
LB is not good at biology but Ben's more interested in anatomy anyway.
Do you want to know why LB wins? DOUBLE RAINBOW. Boom. Followed by a Reggae band and a Fantasy Suite with LOVE RECIPROCATION. There are no rules.
Ben, JoJo and Their Second Helicopter Date
Ben and JoJo enjoy some water-falling action in Jamaica and it appears to be a fairly typical overnight date until we have a second LOVE RECIPROCATION on the show. Does Ben see the cameras filming this season? Ben needs a guide. He needs Neil Lane!
I don't make many promises but Ben's relationship stemming from this season will not last. This date also included the QOTN from JoJo Trump (fitting) with an assist to Mrs. Dugan's ear. “It feels so nice to hear you talk”What? Goodbye Caila and a Group Hug
Caila's gone and LB & JoJo enjoy a too familar group hug. They are pretty comfortable ending up as the winner and next Bachelorette. I want spice. I want action. I want drama. Bring me the Women Tell All.
Happy Monday faithful readers. It looks like late posts are just going to be a thing this season. Look on the bright side: you get to read our musings on the day of the Bachelor. Today is not just President's Day, but also Bachelor Day. From this day forward, all Mondays are holidays honoring ABC's American heroes.
Mrs. Wags chose Juan Pablo as her favorite Bachelor of all time.
This week's episode began with a continuation of last week's rose ceremony. There is no way he's getting rid of Olivia. Though she is crazy (and not in the "crazy-like-a-fox" sort of way), I think he'll keep her around because she is the prime example of the girl he cannot get in real life. The best example of this phenomenon is previous Bachelor Ben Flajnik choosing Courtney the model.
The other women spilled the beans on Olivia. Olivia smartly played the victim with Ben; she claimed that the other women just don't want to get to know her. Well played.
Understandably angry at the other women, Olivia challenges them to "Come at me....bro." Olivia must be a dumb frat guy reincarnated. Or maybe she just watches the Jersey Shore.
Rose Ceremony #1
At the first rose ceremony of the episode, Mom Amanda, Olivia, and Lauren Harbaugh already had roses. Additional roses went to:
Software Caila
LB
Trump JoJo
Hugs Becca
Hut Hut Leah
Thing
Goodbye Ft. Lady Jennifer. It's never a good sign when your first words on the show are about your fear of going home.
The show then traveled to the Bahamas. Mrs. Wags and I are confused about the Bahamas. Are there more than one Bahama? Is it a collection of islands? Did the Beach Boys actually take a trip there? Many questions, not many answers.
Solo Date #1: Software Caila
Before Caila got the date, the pressure started to get to Hut Hut Leah, having had no solo time with Higgins. She feels that they just need to have some time together because they are perfect for one another. They live "10 minutes apart." Little does Hut Hut understand that this is actually a disadvantage. Bachelors DON'T WANT A LOCAL GIRL. (See Flajnik, Ben.) Hut Hut believes the "universe brought them together." If anything, two black holes colliding brought Hut Hut and Ben together. (I would not have been able to make that joke if I had written this post on time.)
Software Caila's date with Software Ben was deep sea fishing. The Softwares filled the date with terrible conversation. It is a good thing the show is not transcribed. They could never make it in Dugan and my world.
On the evening portion of the date, Ben said he needs Caila to cry. Uh, what? Caila said she cannot cry (emotionally empty), but she did tell Ben she is falling in love with him (emotionally advanced), but she's also worried that she might hurt him. Somehow, this series of tacks seemed to work with Ben. Caila describes herself as being "confusing," yet all she wants is "to be understood."
Like I said, it's a good thing this was not transcribed.
Caila got a rose because she's "authentic." I think "coy" was the word he was looking for.
Group Date: LB, Hugs Becca, Mom Amanda, JoJo Trump, Lauren Harbaugh, and Hut Hut Leah
The group date started with a boat ride. I guess that's what you do when your in one of the Bahamas (or the only Bahama?).
Hugs Becca delivered my QOTN: "You know what's unpredictable? Sharks."
Alas, there were no sharks, but there was an uninhabited island with SWIMMING PIGS. I now know where I want to go on vacation.
Watch your step.
Mrs. Wags noticed that Strauss's "The Blue Danube Waltz" was playing in the background. She described this as "awesome." I describe this as, "I married up."
JoJo Trump, showing off her Kardashian side, noted that "there are pigs everywhere."
This was the least impressive quote of the night.
There was never any explanation for why there were swimming pigs in the water or who takes care of them. Who knew pigs could even swim? This is more confusing than Caila and the total number of Bahamas.
Ben and the ladies fed hot dogs to the pigs. That's messed up.
On the date, Hut Hut again felt angry about not having any time with Ben. She decided the best way to get noticed was to throw one of the other contestants under the bus. Presumably, Olivia would be the easy target. But Hut Hut isn't interested in easy targets. She wants the biggest pig in the sea, so she chose to go after LB, the favorite at this point.
When confronted by LB hours later, Hut Hut said "she would never be the type of person to single someone out." Does Hut Hut not remember that there are video cameras recording this show?! You can't tell lies like this. I'm excited for The Women Tell All now.
Mom Amanda got the date rose.
Later that night, Hut Hut went to Ben's hotel room to continue on with her LB lie. Ben saw right through it (or maybe Fleiss and Co. tipped him off?) and sent Hut Hut home.
Two-on-One Date: Olivia and Thing
Mrs. Wags described this as a date pitting 400 CCs vs. 500 CCs. Two girls that got implants for their high school graduation. Mrs. Wags is really on fire tonight.
The date started with a poem on the date card: "Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes." This is also what Ben's tattoo says.
Olivia is going off the deep end. "We've been writing our beautiful love story the whole time." I can't tell if she is doing a bad job trying out to be the next Bachelorette or is doing a bad job wooing Ben. Either way, she's doing a bad job.
Olivia, the quote machine, then said, "Deep intellectual things are my jam." This was a close second-place finisher for QOTN.
The date was a boat ride (of course) to another island. I'm starting to think "Bahamas" is intentionally pluralized.
There was a torrential storm brewing as the three of them sat on the beach. Each lady took turns giving speeches to Ben. Maybe Hillary would do well on the Bachelor.
In the rainstorm, Ben seemed rather concerned about his hair. For a few weeks now, I have been noticing Ben's purposefully and carefully combed forward hair, like he has something to hide. I think there's a good chance that Ben is a bald denier. He has the beginning of some power alleys in the front.
Olivia couldn't hold back her crazy, and Ben sent her home, cold and wet. Thing got the rose, but she was clearly more excited about sending Olivia packing.
Rose Ceremony #2
Hugs Becca again dropped a great line, "It's almost like the weather has predicted this whole week."
JoJo Trump needed to talk to Ben about something, but Ben cancelled the cocktail party. She's either divorced, has a boyfriend, or has a kid. My money is on divorce.
Joining Mom Amanda, Software Caila, and Thing with roses were:
Hugs Becca
Trump
LB
Goodbye Lauren Harbaugh. You were very nice, but exactly the kind of girl Ben can get back home in Warsaw.
Until next week (i.e. tonight) when Dugan chronicles all the women professing their love.
I'm often asked, "How can you possibly watch the Bachelorette?" I always respond, "Because it's the search for true love." In a world of global warming, NSA spying, and Miss Utah, you and I need ABC, Chris B. Harrison, and roses. One of these guys could someday, maybe be Des's husband. That's true love. Maybe.
With that said (and the ice cream and whiskey to my right and Mrs. Wags to my left), let the show begin:
But before the show began, ABC let us know that the "hottest new show" is coming up after the Bachelorette. It's called Mistresses. Newsflash ABC: Game of Thrones is the hottest show.
Now let the show begin. Des has left Los Angeles. The guys are following on a trip around the WORLD. First stop....rainy Atlantic City! Next stop...Tallahassee, Florida! (credit Mrs. Wags with the joke). Mikey T., predictably, was the most excited for Atlantic City. Hopefully Snooki is a surprise guest.
Solo Date #1: Brad Who?
The date started off with a trip the boardwalk and some candy tasting. Des loved that Brad "just rolled with it." Carnival rides and candy tasting? Brad, you're so brave to just roll with that high stress date.
The date continued to a sand castle picnic and then dinner. Brad Who backs up his nickname by being incredibly boring in conversation. This guy should not get a rose.
Confession: I am watching this date rather than the Giants game.
p.s. Confession: I stopped paying attention to this date to check the Giants score. 3-1 lead....hum baby!
Des proved that this is the search for true love by sending Brad Who home. Sadly, we may never know who he really was.
It's not easy to be a single dad.
Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Bryden, Big Zack, #Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak, Mikey, Father Ben, Domer Mike, and Chris
The group date began in Boardwalk Hall, the future site of the Miss America Pageant. Sadly, Domer Mike continued to embarrass fellow Domers by saying that he dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid.
Domer Mike would get his chance on this date because the guys competed in a Mr. America pageant.
Not only did the guys have to answer interview questions and show off their (lack of) talent, but they also had to wear "mankinis...you know...banana hammocks." Yes, Drew, we get it.
Now that we're back from commercial, let the show begin. The crowd looked alarmingly similar to the "After the Final Rose" crowd. See below if you don't know what I'm talking about.
Crowd
In the talent portion, every guy was a complete clown....until Shirtless Zak did a very good impersonation of Jack Johnson. Watch out Wes, Shirtless Zak might be the most famous Bachelorette singer-songwriter.
The swimsuit portion proved that all these guys are doing PEDs.
After a three-judge vote, #Casey took the Mr. Bachelor crown, but not necessarily the group date rose.
During the evening portion of the date, I noticed that Bryden's job is listed as "Iraq War Veteran." I wish he had a funny "slash." War Veteran/Hairstylist. War Veteran/Plastic Surgeon. War Veteran/Veterinarian (Vet Vet).
The coveted group date rose went to Shirtless Zak. As usual, the victory went to the guy that can play the acoustic guitar.
Solo Date #2: James
James got the first ever "Red Cross" date. They took a helicopter ride to view the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. I got pretty teary during Beasts of the Southern Wild. And by teary, I mean I cried. And by cried, I mean no I didn't. Okay, yes I did. So hurricane footage can leave the viewer effected. On the other hand, hearing Des and James act as spokespeople for Hurricane Sandy awareness is less than persuasive.
The date continued its cheery theme with a tour of a nearly destroyed house. But Des and James showed how charitable they are by giving up their date so a couple hurricane victims could go to Atlantic City. Though I'm sure it was really Fleiss and Co's idea, it was a nice moment. I'm not crying. I swear. I'm just a little choked up.
Fleiss and Co., realizing how boring Des can be, decided to follow Manny and Jan on their Atlantic City date. This begs the question: why can't next season be The Old Bachelor? I think it could work! It would definitely be funny. Mrs. Wags thinks it should just be called Sweet Old Married Couples Going on Dates. Of course, it would be followed by WHODUNNIT?
The date ended, not with Snooki, but with Hootie. I was envious. I'm such a baby cause the dolphins make me cry.
Though he admitted he once cheated, James appropriately got a rose.
Rose Ceremony
Bryden announced to the guys that he might be leaving. Bryden confessed to Des that he thinks their relationship should be farther (or is it further) along. How great is this show? If you don't think this show is the search for true love, then you clearly WHODUNNIT!?
Joining earlier rose recipients Shirtless Zak and James were: Chris, Hockey Hair Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Really?, Domer Mike, Father Ben, #Kasey, Bryden, and NYC Mikey.
Unfortunately, Big Zack now has to go back to his job at the toy store.
Until next week in Cleveland...I mean, Munich. Auf wiedersehen.
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