The Bachelorette Episode 4: Say Yes to the Des

I'm often asked, "How can you possibly watch the Bachelorette?"  I always respond, "Because it's the search for true love."  In a world of global warming, NSA spying, and Miss Utah, you and I need ABC, Chris B. Harrison, and roses.  One of these guys could someday, maybe be Des's husband.  That's true love.  Maybe.

With that said (and the ice cream and whiskey to my right and Mrs. Wags to my left), let the show begin:

But before the show began, ABC let us know that the "hottest new show" is coming up after the Bachelorette.  It's called Mistresses.  Newsflash ABC: Game of Thrones is the hottest show.

Now let the show begin. Des has left Los Angeles.  The guys are following on a trip around the WORLD.  First stop....rainy Atlantic City!  Next stop...Tallahassee, Florida!  (credit Mrs. Wags with the joke).  Mikey T., predictably, was the most excited for Atlantic City.  Hopefully Snooki is a surprise guest.

Solo Date #1: Brad Who?

The date started off with a trip the boardwalk and some candy tasting.  Des loved that Brad "just rolled with it."  Carnival rides and candy tasting?  Brad, you're so brave to just roll with that high stress date.

The date continued to a sand castle picnic and then dinner. Brad Who backs up his nickname by being incredibly boring in conversation.  This guy should not get a rose.

Confession: I am watching this date rather than the Giants game.

p.s. Confession: I stopped paying attention to this date to check the Giants score.  3-1 lead....hum baby!

Des proved that this is the search for true love by sending Brad Who home.  Sadly, we may never know who he really was.

It's not easy to be a single dad.

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Bryden, Big Zack, #Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak, Mikey, Father Ben, Domer Mike, and Chris

The group date began in Boardwalk Hall, the future site of the Miss America Pageant.  Sadly, Domer Mike continued to embarrass fellow Domers by saying that he dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid.

Domer Mike would get his chance on this date because the guys competed in a Mr. America pageant.

Not only did the guys have to answer interview questions and show off their (lack of) talent, but they also had to wear "mankinis...you know...banana hammocks."  Yes, Drew, we get it.

WHODUNNIT?

Now that we're back from commercial, let the show begin.  The crowd looked alarmingly similar to the "After the Final Rose" crowd.  See below if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Crowd

In the talent portion, every guy was a complete clown....until Shirtless Zak did a very good impersonation of Jack Johnson.  Watch out Wes, Shirtless Zak might be the most famous Bachelorette singer-songwriter.

The swimsuit portion proved that all these guys are doing PEDs.

After a three-judge vote, #Casey took the Mr. Bachelor crown, but not necessarily the group date rose.

During the evening portion of the date, I noticed that Bryden's job is listed as "Iraq War Veteran."  I wish he had a funny "slash."  War Veteran/Hairstylist.  War Veteran/Plastic Surgeon.  War Veteran/Veterinarian (Vet Vet).

The coveted group date rose went to Shirtless Zak.  As usual, the victory went to the guy that can play the acoustic guitar.

Solo Date #2: James

James got the first ever "Red Cross" date.  They took a helicopter ride to view the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  I got pretty teary during Beasts of the Southern Wild.  And by teary, I mean I cried.  And by cried, I mean no I didn't.  Okay, yes I did.  So hurricane footage can leave the viewer effected.  On the other hand, hearing Des and James act as spokespeople for Hurricane Sandy awareness is less than persuasive.

The date continued its cheery theme with a tour of a nearly destroyed house.  But Des and James showed how charitable they are by giving up their date so a couple hurricane victims could go to Atlantic City.  Though I'm sure it was really Fleiss and Co's idea, it was a nice moment. I'm not crying. I swear.  I'm just a little choked up.

Fleiss and Co., realizing how boring Des can be, decided to follow Manny and Jan on their Atlantic City date.  This begs the question: why can't next season be The Old Bachelor?  I think it could work!  It would definitely be funny.  Mrs. Wags thinks it should just be called Sweet Old Married Couples Going on Dates.  Of course, it would be followed by WHODUNNIT?

The date ended, not with Snooki, but with Hootie.  I was envious.  I'm such a baby cause the dolphins make me cry.

Though he admitted he once cheated, James appropriately got a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden announced to the guys that he might be leaving.  Bryden confessed to Des that he thinks their relationship should be farther (or is it further) along.  How great is this show?  If you don't think this show is the search for true love, then you clearly WHODUNNIT!?

Joining earlier rose recipients Shirtless Zak and James were: Chris, Hockey Hair Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Really?, Domer Mike, Father Ben, #Kasey, Bryden, and NYC Mikey.

Unfortunately, Big Zack now has to go back to his job at the toy store.

Until next week in Cleveland...I mean, Munich.  Auf wiedersehen.