The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Say Yes to the Des

As Bachelor/ette Nation descends on Madeira, Dugan is suffering from some PTSD. I represented a project named Madiera (Yes, I pointed out the misspelling to no avail) that failed spectacularly at a City Commission meeting. I'll try to put that behind me as hometown dates are next week and we are winding down. Drew mentions that Madeira "is built for love." No, the Taj Mahal was built for love.

Friends in Town

Des managed to get free trips to Madeira for friends from Sean's season of The Bachelor: Catherine (winner), Lesley Abramoff and Jackie. While the other girls didn't add much, they did get Des to dish the following on the guys:

Best Kisser: Drew

Most Successful: Domer Mike

Most Athletic: Chris

Best Body: Drew

Best Eyes: Brooks

Most Adventurous: Zak

Brooks, Des and the Portuguese Cliffs of Moher

• Brooks and Des are a pretty likable couple
• Brooks and Des are discussing continuing their journey, but then begin a cliche-off
• “We did’t just break through the clouds, I feel like we had a breakthrough in our relationship.”
• I threw up a little in my mouth.
• Multiple “cloud nine” references (5 to be exact).
• They became unlikable on this date. Damn.

 The date continued with some Madeira hilltop dining:

• Des says she is falling in love with Brooks.
• Brooks rocking the not often worn rugby, v-neck, cardigan.
• Fireworks ended the night and might have more of an impact if it wasn’t July 8^th….WAIT, what was that spastic fireworks impersonation by Des? Love it.

Chris, the warrior baseball poet, Des & a Yacht 

This date was so bad that I started to think about the best moments in the history of yachting. Please see the following entries and vote on the poll in the top right:

• Bill Murray in What About Bob
• The Gasol Brothers diving with models and gym socks
• Ted Turner winning America's Cup

I stopped being interested in the date when they were writing poetry together. But finding pictures of Gasol brothers that feature Pau Gasol's butt is not where I thought my night would be going.

But the date did bring a quote of the night entry from Chris: “We’re gonna get a little wet. It’s gonna happen.” 

They continue their date over dinner where they discuss the following: 

• Family size.
• Another poem? This is getting ridiculous. He played pro baseball?
• Does saying “I love you” in a poem count? Is that valid?

 Michael Finally gets a One-on-One

• While hometowns are next week, Domer Mike is yet to have a one-on-one. A domer in the friend zone...hmmmm. 
• Little known fact, when you graduate from Notre Dame or Law School, you are given a lifetime supply of this exact outfit. Domer Mike's wardrobe is 79 different variations of this exact outfit.

 

• Domer Mike's Don Johnson style outfit at dinner was good enough to secure a hometown. It's great when I don't need to add photoshop. Domer Mike or Don Johnson?

• Past Girlfriend cheated on him.
• Des wants Mike to open up.
• He did. When a Domer becomes vulnerable, prepare for a disemboweling. Michael is exposed and I think this is going to end ugly.

 Des, Zak, Drew and a Rose.

• It's a Go Kart competition and Des drops a little Ricky Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” But, no, really. Because there’s two people racing.
• Zak beat Drew.
• I still wonder if Drew is on the right season.
• Drew gets the rose. Zak beats Drew.

 Rose Ceremony

• Discussion with Chris Harrison. Des says she’s in love with Brooks. Interesting.
• A life with Chris would be “full and lasting.” Hmmm….sounds great?
• Drew is safe. Have to assume the same of Brooks and Chris.
• Shirtless Zak v. Domer Mike.
• BOOM.

There's plenty more. 

He called his mom. Seriously? Until next week with Wags and the Hometowns...