Well, I took notes. I thought I emailed myself those notes. Emphasis on thought. I have to say that it was not the most eventful episode. Alas, I'll go from memory in what may be a short post. We are back in the United States with Colton returning home to Denver. After a pep talk from Mrs. Dugan's cousin Ben Higgins, Colton is ready to go. We have 7 girls left before next week’s home towns. That means we are going to have a 43% kill rate this episode. So…somewhat eventful.
As my girl Taylor would sing, are you ready for it?
Tay Tay’s One on One
Speaking of Tay Tay, Tayishia gets the first one-on-one with a day date with Colton. They get ice cream, shop for dinner ingredients and make a meal together at home. What was up with feeding the dog ice cream? Do dogs eat ice cream? Did you notice how much ice cream was left at the time he shared it with the dog? Did he go back to eating it? Did he give the entire thing to the dog? I need more ice cream eating dogs in the show.
Cooking meals with your girlfriend on a reality show is very different than cooking meals with the mother of your children. Flirty flicks of flour v. glares regarding dishes. I could go on and on mostly because Mrs. Dugan does not read the blog but will refrain because discretion is the better part of valor.
Beginning with Tayshia and continuing throughout the episode, Colton is determined to get answers to the most ever-present question on the Bachelor/ette: WHO IS HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS? In the good old days, we would have Kasey get a guard and protect your heart tattoo. For Colton, the right reason is marrying him and starting a family. I imagine the girls may have a different interpretation of “the right reasons.”
Nevertheless, Tay Tay tells on Teacher Cassie and Miss Cackalacka while securing a rose and a visit to her hometown.
Cackalacka’s plays One-on-One Defense
In the history of terrible dates, I think first snowboard experience has to be high on the list. I know a good number of people that snowboard. Their snowboard origin stories are remarkably similar and involve a lot of initial pain and misery. Perhaps Colton is trying to break down Cackalacka before confronting her with Tayshia’s accusations.Fortunately for Cackalacka, she is dating a true moron and Colton will accept any defense offered. Also, the producers need some drama for these remaining episodes. Everyone knows she is staying. She does.
Hannah Alabama Meets the Fam and her Demise
Colton’s Dad looks like if Jason Statham ate Colton. Colton's dad tells him to trust his gut and not listen to any of the girls. Can we just get the cameras to follow Neanderthal Statham and the dog from Tay Tay's date and be done with this boring Bachelor? Hannah Alabama shares her feelings with Colton's mom before their evening date in a FBO hanger. Dugan has eaten in a hanger. When did this become a thing? You know what eating in a hanger makes you think about? Elizabeth Warren.
I called Hannah Alabama's demise while Mrs. Dugan scoffed. Guess who was right? The guy with the Bachelor blog. She gone.
The Royal Tenenbaums Group Date with Sixpence Heather, Teacher Kassie, Kirpa and the Other Hannah
Whether you know or even appreciate it or not, this show is operating at another level. Wheels within wheels, my friends. Did you notice the homage to the Royal Tenenbaums at the beginning of the group date?
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| House from the show. |
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| House from the movie. |
Ok, Dugan, you are a crazy conspiracy theorist. But the Wes Anderson appreciation continued with Sixpence Heather exiting via train in a very Darjeelingesque exit. We are left with Kirpa, Teacher Cassie and the Other Hannah. Was there ever a doubt? He went with young Margot and old Margot. Sorry Kirpa. Until next week when hometowns and Tim.
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