The Bachelor: Hoosier Daddy Premiere

After the last two Bachelor seasons with Juan Pablo and the Faux Hawk Farmer, we have returned to a classic Bachelor leading man with Ben Higgins from Warsaw, Indiana. I think the ladies were genuinely interested in gentle Ben. As many of our readers will understand, Ben is a Higgins from the Hoosier state and starts with house money from the WWT writers.

I asked Mrs. Dugan where in Indiana it was located and she gave me the same response she has been giving since 2001: South. Very helpful. We both vaguely remembered it, however. Aha! Its on the way between picturesque South Bend and a true gem, Muncie, Indiana.  Over the years, I have probably driven through Warsaw, Indiana no less than 10 times. I remember nothing.

Do you want to know how small Warsaw, Indiana is? The COUNTY its in has 77,000 people! Ok, you have the set up. He's a nice guy from a small town. He was the quarterback for the high school and played on the basketball team and graduated from State U.

Pep Talk

Bachelor Ben follows his McDonalds commercial debut with some Mustang driving to meet up with former Bachelor Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. Farmer Chris recommends kicking the tires on the contestants while Sean and Jason recommend taking it slow. Ben congratulated Mesnick for keeping it honest to the end. Ummmmm, he switched girls after the final rose?

***Blogging Note: Triple OT in #1 v #2 has not helped me stay focused!***

One of my favorite aspects of the premiere was host Chris Harrison's decision to go retro Regis from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with the dark tie, shirt, suit combo. 

Looking good, Chris

Let's Meet the Women Alphabetically

*tattoo count in parenthesis

• Amanda, 25 (0), an Esthetician (fancy way of saying hairdresser?) from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 
• Bio Note: Divorced with two kids
• Amber, 30 (0), a Bartender from Chicago, IL
• Bio Note: Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise veteran. Does anyone else in the world list The Lion King and Reservoir Dogs as all-time favorite movies?
• Becca, 26 (2), a Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego, CA
• Bio Note: Bachelor veteran. Formerly a virgin. Still?
• Breanne, 30 (0), a Nutritional Therapist (works at GNC?) from Seattle, WA
• Caila, 24 (1), a Software Sales Rep from Hudson, Oh.      
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: U2 (reminds me of my Dad). Holy shit I am getting too old to blog this shit.
• Emily, 22 (0) and Haley (0) are twins from Las Vegas, NV
• Bio Note: Listed occupation as twins. That’s not an occupation.
• Isabel "Izzy," 24 (0), a Graphic Designer from Branford, CT
• Bio Note: What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
• Jackie, 23 (0), a Gerontologist from San Francisco, CA
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Country and Rap. This is an acceptable favorite music now? WTF?
• Jami, 23 (3), a Bartender from St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
• Bio Note: How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
• Jennifer, 25 (0), a Small Business Owner from Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Bio Note: Flager College alum, Go Saints!
• Jessica, 23 (1), an Accountant from Boca Raton, FL
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive. This shit again?
• Joelle "JoJo", 24 (0), a Real Estate Developer from Dallas, TX
• Bio Note: Special talent: I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there.
• Jubilee, 24 (?), is a War Veteran from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
• Bio Note: I thank Jubilee for her service, but does War Veteran mean she is now unemployed? She’ll always be a veteran. What does she do now?
• Lace, 25 (2), is a Real Estate Agent from Denver, CO
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Rap, R&B and Country.When will this madness end?
• Laura, 24 (0), is an Account Executive from Louisville, KY
• Bio Note: Allergic to rice?
• Lauren "LB," 23 (1), is a Fashion Buyer from Stillwater, OK
• Bio Note: Wants to be LC.
• Lauren B., 25 (1), a Flight Attendant from Marina Del Rey, CA
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Hip hop/Dance/R&B/Country. Ugh!
• Lauren H., 25 (0), is a Kindergarten Teacher from Hell on Earth.
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Popular/hit list stuff. Also stuff from growing up. 90s stuff. I’M SO OLD.
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. No, FML.
• Lauren R., 26 (0), is a Math Teacher from Houston, TX
• Bio Note: Nothing.
• Leah, 25 (2 in process of being removed), an Event Planner from Denver, CO
• Bio Note: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.
• Maegan, 30 (0), is a Cowgirl from Weatherford, TX
• Bio Note: Favorite Music. Red Dirt Country. WHAT?
• Mandi, 28 (0), a Dentist from Portland, OR
• Bio Note: What would an ex say are your worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much. Bring it on.
• Olivia, 23 (0), is a News Anchor from Austin, TX
• Bio Note: Wants to be the Bachelorette.
• Rachel, 23 (0), is unemployed from Little Rock, AR
• Bio Note. Got nothing but I appreciate the honesty on the occupation.
• Samantha, 26 (1), is an Attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Graduating Law School in the top 20% of my class. Yeah, but what law school?
• Shushanna, 27 (0), is a Mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Russian. I like where this is going.
• All-Time Favorite Movies: Fast & Furious. Check that. I love where this is going.
• Tiara, 26 (0) is a Chicken Enthusiast from Redmond, WA
• Bio Note: That’s not a job. Putting “enthusiast” before something does not make it a career.

 It's Limo Time

Readers, don't worry. I know what you are thinking. You want to meet the contestants and get our first go at this season's nicknames. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this point and open to interpretation and change. Fleiss & Co. gave very few vignettes of the ladies in their hometown and gets right to limo action. 

Limo 1

• Lauren B, the flight attendance, gives Ben some wings and is "ready to take off on this journey.” You'll always win me over with puns, ABC writers.
• Caila pulls off the patented run and jump
• Jennifer, the small business owner from Dugan's home of Fort Laudy basically forgot her name
• Jami is Canadian, knows Kaitlyn, and makes a bad, crude joke. New Kaitlyn!
• Lawyer Sam passed the bar
• GI Jubilee offers a weak pick-up line.
• Divorcee Amanda is bringing the heat.
• Lace, aka Superfecta, steals the first kiss. 
• Lauren R. admits to social media stalking Ben
• Shushanna, aka the Russian or Ivan Drago?, only speaks in Russian.
• Leah, Hut Hut Higgy also has a little Erica Rose in her, plays some football with Ben.
• JoJo, aka Trump, is a unicorn real estate developer turned presidential candidate.
• Lauren Harbaugh is an Ann Arbor Kindergarten Teacher
• Laura wants to be called Red Velvet but Mrs. Dugan says "Broke ass Emma Stone" is more appropriate.
• Mandi, aka Portlandia, is a weird dentist with a red rose hat.
• Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the twins and I'm going to have trouble differentiating, 
• Maegan brings a miniature horse and likely did not bring another outfit as she had no chance.

Meanwhile, in the mansion, Canadian Jami is breaking down the crazy..."We got twins, a horse, a girl with a rose hat, a Russian…"

Lace responds: "I’m just here to judge people. I don’t think there’s one girl in here that’s competition. I’m way prettier than all of them.” Ok, We have the mean girl!

The women keep coming!

• Breanne declares Gluten "satan" and breaks bread. 
• Izzy wore pajamas and approached Ben, "I had to find out if you were the ‘onesie’ for me". Boom. 
• Rachel, the honest, unemployed one arrives on a hover board. Can we just call her Millennial since that is what I think of all of them? 
• Jessica, the Boca accountant arrives and does nothing memorable. Sounds like a Boca accountant to me. 
• Tiara, aka Chicken Little, arrives without her furry friends. 
• Lauren, aka LC or Boomer Sooner 
• Jackie shows up and Mrs. Dugan believes this may actually be her first date and she gave a wedding invitation for their future wedding.
• Olivia the News Anchor arrives and Ben turns as stupid as men turn in front of an attractive woman. He asks if her dimples "are natural?" No, Ben, she got fake dimples. 

The women are all accounted for...or are they! Calls his dad and enters the house. Mrs. Dugan wants to know if Ben did this at frat parties while in Bloomington. 

Ben: "Dad, there are so many beautiful women at this party tonight. I think tonight's the night."

Dad: "Good luck, son."

No. This never happened. Ever.

It's getting late and this blog post is too long already. Let's get to the remaining highlights:

• Portlandia interrupts his opening speech 
• News Anchor Olivia tells Ben she left her job to be on the show. 
• The first impression rose enters the party and shit gets real.

• Caila and Ben swap software sales war stories. 
• Things 1 and 2 explain that twins are a "fantasy that everyone has.” Ummm, no. 
• Trump first called herself a real estate developer. Now she calls herself a house flipper? What’s next? Tax deed sale expert? 
• New Limo arrives with former contestants Hugs Becca and Amber. 
• Lace not pleased about Becca being there, cementing her role as this season’s mean girl. Next, Lace gets drunk. She’s the mean and drunk one? Her first nickname was Perfecta. 
• Lace is interrupted with Ben by Portlandia and we get tears. A Trifecta! 
• What other Bachelor Blog uses pari-mutuel betting terms as nicknames? I’m guessing none.
• Lace tells us what she wants to do to Portlandia: “Punch her in the face. Seriously.” That escalated quickly. 
• Ben wants to walk Trifecta off the ledge and she’s mumbling. 
• Lace’s mumbles eventually require subtitles and she complains that Ben isn’t looking her in the eye. That's it, a SUPERFECTA. Mean. Drunk. Crying. Subtitles. A true champion.
• The first impression rose is out and goes to the News Anchor!

Winner!

Rose Ceremony Time

Lauren B. Mrs. Dugan points out that he likes her because she looks like every girl he went to high school with.

LC

Software Caila

Amber

Canadian Jam

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

GI Jubilee

Mom Amanda

Trump

New Erica Rose (Leah, or Hut Hut Higgie?)

Rachel

Lawyer Sam

Save the Date Jackie

Thing 1

Thing 2

The Russian

Lauren Harbaugh

Virgin Becca

Portlandia

Superfecta (Mean girl, Drunk girl, Crying girl, Subtitle girl)

Goodbye Broke Ass Emma Stone. Breanne found out he likes gluten, Chicken Little, Boca Accountant and Onesie.

Until next week when Tim returns and laments the fact that twins have made their first appearance this season.