The Bachelor Episode 2: Ben and the Low IQs

I begin this post with an apology and an explanation.  I’m sorry this post is four days late.  You, our fans, deserve better.  To explain, my life is now lived in two hour increments, with 1.25 of those hours accounted for by needy babies.  Such is (new) life.  Most importantly (and maybe most sadly), I had neither whiskey nor ice cream when I watched.  The only one to blame for that is me.  Okay, enough about me.  Let’s move onto what I am calling the least intelligent season yet. 

The episode started off with a rather revealing look at Ben’s personality.  And by “personality,” I mean underpants.  And by “underpants,” I mean "tightie whities."  We’re used to the gratuitous make-me-feel-bad-about-myself abdominal shots, but we got to see some of Ben that should be reserved for the fantasy suites.

Group Date #1: Jackie, LB, Lauren Harbaugh, Hugs Becca, Amber, Portlandia Mandi, GI Jubilee, Ft. Laudy Jennifer, JoJo Trump, Hut Hut Leah, and Superfecta Lace

The first group date was a trip back to high school, creatively titled “Bachelor High.”  C’mon Fleiss and Co.  You can do better.  Harrison College Prep?  Neil Lane School for the Rich and Famous?  Fleiss and Co. School for the Performing Arts? 

Thankfully, Bachelor High is led by Principal Chris Harrison.  He bore a striking resemblance to my favorite high school principal of all time, Richard Belding.  (Apologies to Father Muller if he’s reading this.) 

The date consisted of a series of high school throwback challenges.  First, the ladies had to make a vinegar/baking soda volcano.  Wait a second. This is supposed to be high school.  I’m pretty sure that “experiment” is more second-grade level.  Did I mention this is the least intelligent season ever?

Mrs. Wags thought this high school segment felt like it should be an episode of Double Dare, causing her to long for one of her childhood heroes, Marc Summers.  I nominate Marc Summers to host the Bachelor once Chris Harrison finally signs up to be THE bachelor. 

Superfecta Lace informed the audience that she hated school.  But I’ll bet she loved shaming her peers, being superficial, and dating junior college guys. 

Next, the girls had to put a cutout of the State of Indiana on a map.  Viewers cringed (especially Mrs. Dugan) at the sight of Hugs Becca not only placing Indiana over the state of Pennsylvania, but also placing it sideways.  Double whammy of stupidity. 

Bachelor High ended with Portlandia and Amber competing in a hurdles foot race.  I would have paid top dollar for one of them to fall on their face. 

During the date, Ben said GI Jubilee is “so interesting to him.”  I was very nervous where he was headed next.  This struck me as getting close to complimenting certain athletes for how “articulate” they are.  Thankfully, Ben didn’t say anything that made me want to call the NAACP. 

During the evening portion of the day, JoJo Trump expressed that she was “fustrated” by her lack of time with Ben.  Did I mention this is the dumbest season yet?  Apparently, she had no reason to be fustrated because Ben gave her the date rose.

Solo Date: Software Caila

Caila got the first solo date, and Newcaster Olivia was beside herself.  I love it when contestants like Newscaster feel like they should get every single solo date.  It’s like they’ve never watched a season of this show.  And this show has been on for MANY seasons.

The date started off with Chris Harrison introducing his “friends,” Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.  I LOVE the idea of Chris Harrison hanging out with these guys socially.  I heard Ice Cube is a huge fan of Chris Harrison’s novels.

Ice Cube Book Club

While I have no strong opinion about Kevin Hart, I really enjoyed Ice Cube on this episode.  What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman?  “Marry one.”  QOTN nominee. 

Going in the hot tub at the hot tub store reminded me of a great scene from Jackass.

The date was not very interesting because it was just an advertisement for Ride Along 2, and Software Caila is not very interesting.  The date ended with a private concert by Amos Lee and Caila getting a rose.

Group Date #2: Things 1 and 2, Ivan Drago Shushanna, Newscaster Olivia, Mom Amanda, and Lawyer Sam

This date took them to a “scientific” outfit called the Love Lab.  I don’t know how to grammatically put exclamation point on quotation marks, but I would put them near the quotation marks around scientific.  Wearing a lab coat does not make you a scientist.  I have a funny feeling that Love Lab hasn’t published any peer-reviewed journal articles.  Thing 1 and 2 indicated that they don’t know much about science.  Don’t worry ladies, neither do the MDs at the Love Lab. 

I love that Ivan Drago Shushanna knows she hasn’t eaten cabbage in two weeks.  Who’s keeping track of something like that?  She must really like cabbage.  Also, that must mean that she farts a lot.  She’d be my favorite contestant ever if she admitted that to Ben. 

Mom Amanda didn’t have pictures of her kids.  She’s like Juan Pablo, a little too eager to be away from her kids. 

Newscaster Olivia got the rose after scoring the highest on Love Labs compatibility tests. 

Rose Ceremony

Superfecta admitted that she’s been acting crazy for the first two days.  By “two days,” she actually meant 25 years. 

Joining JoJo Trump, Software Caila, and Newscaster Olivia with roses was:

Mom Amanda

GI Jubilee

Lauren Harbaugh

Hut Hut Leah

Hugs Becca

Superfecta

LB (but then LB called timeout and decided to go home…extra rose time!)

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Thing 1

Canadian Jami

Ivan Drago Shush

Thing 2

Amber

Goodbye JD Sam, Portlandia Mandi, and the woman from San Francisco whose name I can’t remember.

Until next week, with more Dugan and more Chris Harrison.