The Bachelorette Episode 6: A History Lesson

Do you have a favorite beach?  I do.  It's Makena Beach in Maui.  Here's a recommendation: when you aren't at your favorite beach, just turn on all of the YouTube videos of your favorite beach.  That's what I've been doing for the last 1/2 hour.  I think the same concept applies to Neil Lane.  Do you miss him?  I do.  When you're missing Neil Lane, just watch his commercials on repeat.  These two recommendations can improve your life.  What I am about to write, with the power of whiskey and ice cream, cannot.

Neil loves to body surf (like me).

To the show!  The episode began in Richmond, Virginia.  They had to show it on a map (thanks Fleiss and Co.)  According to Becca, it's "different from Vegas."  It's definitely different because I don't know anyone that's ever been to Richmond.   

Super Eagle Lincoln and Stitches Chris got in an early-episode argument about how much they lift, or something along those lines.  I asked Mrs. Wags for an assist.  "What are they arguing about?"  Mrs Wags replied, "What show is this?"  

Solo Date: Sr. Banker Jason

So this dude has no chance of winning.  He's way too normal.  He's this season's guy-she-could-get-in-real-life.  They never win, but they always make it pretty far.  (Spoiler: Becca actually said later in the date that his friends remind her of people from "home.")

The theme of the date was "wandering around Richmond."  This might be helpful because I don't know anything about Richmond.  

They went to a cemetery where "Edgar Allan Poe's mother is buried."  No offense to Mrs. Poe, but this factoid is not causing me to book my next family trip to Richmond.  

Mrs. Poe kind of looks like Becca

Becca surprised the Sr. Banker by flying out a few of his friends to meet them at a bar.  These guys all appeared to be the Jr. Bankers from his firm.

Good to see you Jason

In the evening portion of the date, they both shared tragic stories about losing immediate family members, but all I could focus on was the two olive dirty martini on the table.  That could be the first time I've ever envied a drink featured on the Bachelorette.  

Sr. Banker got the date rose.  Now that Venmo John is gone, this guy may be my favorite (Leo the Lion is #2).

Group Date: QB5 Colton, Favorite Garrett, Potter Wills, Coach Connor, Like Blake, Super Eagle Lincoln, and Stitches Chris

The guys all showed up to the date in suits for their visit to the capitol building of Virginia to learn about "history."  They encountered Washington and Lincoln impersonators.  The impersonators informed the contestants that they were the 1st and 16th Presidents, respectively.  ....And that wrapped up the entire history lesson.  Armed with that history lesson, I may have been able to get a 5 on my AP US History exam.  

The men had a debate on the capitol steps to make speeches in support of their candidacy for Becca's heart.  In a great surprise appearance, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam asked the guys what they would do in Virginia.  Governor Northam must have regretted his appearance when Stitches started accusing the guys, especially Super Eagle, of being fake and body shaming him for weighing 300 pounds as a kid.  

Can you believe these guys?

Stitches keeps saying he's been real, but how are we supposed to believe a bald denier is being "real?"

Becca, upset from her conversation with Stitches, had to cut short her conversation with Favorite Garrett.  Garrett, angry about this asinine situation, complained that he was "ready to open up tonight."   This show is insane.

Potter Wills said he's falling in love with Becca.  This guy has about as much of a chance to win this show as Daniel Radcliffe would.

QB5 got the rose.  

Solo Date: Leo the Lion (YES YES YES YES!)

When the date card arrived, Sr. Banker was the only other guy in the house.  Of course, Fleiss and Co. have made rules dictating that one guy must read the date card to the other guy(s).  I thoroughly enjoyed Sr. Banker reading the date card to Leo the Lion.  Very romantic and very weird.

Becca started the date telling the Lion she is emotionally drained.  Leo the Lion, with the composure of a stuntman, told Becca that he would be there for her in the "real world."  Fleiss and Co. Rule 34.2(b) violation: no acknowledging that there is a world outside this show.  The real world is helicopters and five carat diamonds.  

The Lion told a story about how he feels like he failed his father because he didn't become a professional baseball player.  That must hurt.  I'm glad it worked out for me that my dad always wanted me to become a part-time Bachelor blogger.  

The Lion got the date rose, and then they went to a concert by Morgan Evans.  As usual, never heard of him.  Bring back Richard Marx.

Rose Ceremony

Prior to the rose ceremony, Stitches Chris went to talk to Becca at her hotel room.  He wanted to let Becca know that Super Eagle Lincoln "eats 12 eggs per day.  His cholesterol must be 6000."   While he forgot to mention the egg intake issue, he tried to tell Becca that he sees himself getting engaged.  Stitches' plan backfired and she sent him packing because he's crazy. She also locked her hotel door room right after he walked out (nice editing by Fleiss and Co.).  Becca delivered the QOTN: "He's not the guy I would want to have children with. . . .he's not the guy I want in my life ever."  

Joining Jr. Banker and the Lion with roses:

Favorite Garrett

Like Blake

Potter Wills 

Goodbye Super Eagle Lincoln and Coach Connor.  

Until next week in the Bahamas.

The Bachelor Episode 2: Ben and the Low IQs

I begin this post with an apology and an explanation.  I’m sorry this post is four days late.  You, our fans, deserve better.  To explain, my life is now lived in two hour increments, with 1.25 of those hours accounted for by needy babies.  Such is (new) life.  Most importantly (and maybe most sadly), I had neither whiskey nor ice cream when I watched.  The only one to blame for that is me.  Okay, enough about me.  Let’s move onto what I am calling the least intelligent season yet. 

The episode started off with a rather revealing look at Ben’s personality.  And by “personality,” I mean underpants.  And by “underpants,” I mean "tightie whities."  We’re used to the gratuitous make-me-feel-bad-about-myself abdominal shots, but we got to see some of Ben that should be reserved for the fantasy suites.

Group Date #1: Jackie, LB, Lauren Harbaugh, Hugs Becca, Amber, Portlandia Mandi, GI Jubilee, Ft. Laudy Jennifer, JoJo Trump, Hut Hut Leah, and Superfecta Lace

The first group date was a trip back to high school, creatively titled “Bachelor High.”  C’mon Fleiss and Co.  You can do better.  Harrison College Prep?  Neil Lane School for the Rich and Famous?  Fleiss and Co. School for the Performing Arts? 

Thankfully, Bachelor High is led by Principal Chris Harrison.  He bore a striking resemblance to my favorite high school principal of all time, Richard Belding.  (Apologies to Father Muller if he’s reading this.) 

The date consisted of a series of high school throwback challenges.  First, the ladies had to make a vinegar/baking soda volcano.  Wait a second. This is supposed to be high school.  I’m pretty sure that “experiment” is more second-grade level.  Did I mention this is the least intelligent season ever?

Mrs. Wags thought this high school segment felt like it should be an episode of Double Dare, causing her to long for one of her childhood heroes, Marc Summers.  I nominate Marc Summers to host the Bachelor once Chris Harrison finally signs up to be THE bachelor. 

Superfecta Lace informed the audience that she hated school.  But I’ll bet she loved shaming her peers, being superficial, and dating junior college guys. 

Next, the girls had to put a cutout of the State of Indiana on a map.  Viewers cringed (especially Mrs. Dugan) at the sight of Hugs Becca not only placing Indiana over the state of Pennsylvania, but also placing it sideways.  Double whammy of stupidity. 

Bachelor High ended with Portlandia and Amber competing in a hurdles foot race.  I would have paid top dollar for one of them to fall on their face. 

During the date, Ben said GI Jubilee is “so interesting to him.”  I was very nervous where he was headed next.  This struck me as getting close to complimenting certain athletes for how “articulate” they are.  Thankfully, Ben didn’t say anything that made me want to call the NAACP. 

During the evening portion of the day, JoJo Trump expressed that she was “fustrated” by her lack of time with Ben.  Did I mention this is the dumbest season yet?  Apparently, she had no reason to be fustrated because Ben gave her the date rose.

Solo Date: Software Caila

Caila got the first solo date, and Newcaster Olivia was beside herself.  I love it when contestants like Newscaster feel like they should get every single solo date.  It’s like they’ve never watched a season of this show.  And this show has been on for MANY seasons.

The date started off with Chris Harrison introducing his “friends,” Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.  I LOVE the idea of Chris Harrison hanging out with these guys socially.  I heard Ice Cube is a huge fan of Chris Harrison’s novels.

Ice Cube Book Club

While I have no strong opinion about Kevin Hart, I really enjoyed Ice Cube on this episode.  What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman?  “Marry one.”  QOTN nominee. 

Going in the hot tub at the hot tub store reminded me of a great scene from Jackass.

The date was not very interesting because it was just an advertisement for Ride Along 2, and Software Caila is not very interesting.  The date ended with a private concert by Amos Lee and Caila getting a rose.

Group Date #2: Things 1 and 2, Ivan Drago Shushanna, Newscaster Olivia, Mom Amanda, and Lawyer Sam

This date took them to a “scientific” outfit called the Love Lab.  I don’t know how to grammatically put exclamation point on quotation marks, but I would put them near the quotation marks around scientific.  Wearing a lab coat does not make you a scientist.  I have a funny feeling that Love Lab hasn’t published any peer-reviewed journal articles.  Thing 1 and 2 indicated that they don’t know much about science.  Don’t worry ladies, neither do the MDs at the Love Lab. 

I love that Ivan Drago Shushanna knows she hasn’t eaten cabbage in two weeks.  Who’s keeping track of something like that?  She must really like cabbage.  Also, that must mean that she farts a lot.  She’d be my favorite contestant ever if she admitted that to Ben. 

Mom Amanda didn’t have pictures of her kids.  She’s like Juan Pablo, a little too eager to be away from her kids. 

Newscaster Olivia got the rose after scoring the highest on Love Labs compatibility tests. 

Rose Ceremony

Superfecta admitted that she’s been acting crazy for the first two days.  By “two days,” she actually meant 25 years. 

Joining JoJo Trump, Software Caila, and Newscaster Olivia with roses was:

Mom Amanda

GI Jubilee

Lauren Harbaugh

Hut Hut Leah

Hugs Becca

Superfecta

LB (but then LB called timeout and decided to go home…extra rose time!)

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

Thing 1

Canadian Jami

Ivan Drago Shush

Thing 2

Amber

Goodbye JD Sam, Portlandia Mandi, and the woman from San Francisco whose name I can’t remember.

Until next week, with more Dugan and more Chris Harrison.