The Bachelorette Episode 4: From Bluffton to Oslo

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a two night special with Robert E. Lee v. Kenny Boom as the main event. Seasoned viewers such as yourself will know that the night’s episode will end in a cliffhanger at that moment. Nevertheless, we had some good moments in tonight’s episode that deserve some recap and comment.

Its getting confusing as we leave episodes in between rose ceremonies and dates, but I believe we picked up in the middle of a group date where Nip Tuck was using his time wisely to woo the Bachelorette. Nip Tuck is a little too polished for me. At this point last season, we were all begging for Rachel to become the next Bachelorette. Does anyone want Nip Tuck to end up with Rachel or become the next Bachelor? No. He still secures the rose.

Kenny Boom v. Robert E. Lee

While it’s troubling racial tension is being exploited by Fleiss & Co., we are stuck with the shows positives and negatives and need to enjoy the  lighter moments. Labeled “aggressive” and “angry,” Kenny Boom calls Robert E. Lee a “dime store psychologist”. Who uses “dime store” anything in 2017? Are the producers 89 year olds searching for jobs to get healthcare now that Medicare is vanishing?

One-on-One with Jack

We begin date night in beautiful Bluffton, South Carolina. What do I want to know about every South Carolina city? How far is it from the world’s best dog show in Aiken, South Carolina? About 2.5 hours.

Jack Stone should have a leg up on the other contestants. He’s a fellow attorney, same age as Rachel and also from Dallas. However, Rachel admits there has been no real connection to date. But she has the solution! Oysters, a known aphrodisiac.

Oysters, dancing and kissing are added kindling for the Rachel/Jack fire, alas, there is no spark to light it. At dinner, you can tell this is not going to end well for Jack Stone. Then comes the kiss of death. Rachel asks Jack what he would do with Rachel if they were together in Dallas? His response? Lock the door and just lay in bed with you.

RUN RACHEL!

She picks up the rose and viewers know there is a 0% chance she is giving it to him. He keeps talking. “I don’t feel like that connection in a romantic way.”

SAD JACK. Here's a song to help you turn it around. 

No Cocktail Party Needed. Rose Ceremony Go.

Nip Tuck is safe with the group date rose. Joining him:

Eric

Peter Badger

Adummy

Will Smith (who is flying under radar)

Happy Feet Matt (hard to remember the penguin suit)

Russian Alex

Josiah Satz

Anthony

Kenny Boom

Robert E. Lee

Goodbye IggyNotDiggy (with a surprisingly emotional goodbye) and Tickle me Elmo.

The Fake Doctor is in the House

The show has gone international and, fresh off his group rose, Nip Tuck gets the first one-on-one in Oslo, Norway. They repel from a 187 foot ski jump and share ugly duckling high school stories before getting another predictable rose.

Handball is Life

We have a handball date with Adummy, 90210 Dean, Anthony, Happy Feet Matt, Peter Badger, Will Smith, Russian Alex, Eric, and Josiah Satz. First, Coach Tom explains that Handball is a mix between football, basketball and water polo (what?!?). Next, he drops our QOTN: “HANDBALL IS LIFE!”

Let’s move ahead to the highlights:

• Incredibly, Russian Alex and Will Smith have actual handball experience.
• Peter Badger gets a little handsy…followed by a hot tub soiree in the middle of a group date.
• Will Smith is a handball star willing to show his vulnerable side.
• Russian Alex is a poet
• Josiah Satz gave a cringeworthy performance. Rachel succinctly descried Josiah Satz: disingenuous. He also is completely unaware that Rachel is no longer buying his bullshit. Josiah is as lost as Fort Lauderdale’s Flight 19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_19
• I hate to admit I like a Miami guy over a Fort Lauderdale guy but Will Smith deserved the rose and is a Darkhorse candidate to win this thing.

Josi-ah-Meter

Kenny Boom, Robert E. Lee and the Oslo Octagon

We get a helicopter two-on-one which invokes memories of the greatest two-on-one in history with the ice mountain farewell of Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey. We begin with Kenny laying the groundwork. Kenny knows he and Rachel have fun, but needs their relationship to progress. Rachel is buying Kenny Boom's sincerity. 

Robert E. Lee gets his time and brings up Kenny Boom’s “dark side” including his “violent” and “aggressive”  behavior. When confronted by Rachel, Kenny explains he's been "Keepin it 100" with her the whole season.

Let's reflect on that. In the same episode, Kenny referenced "dime stores" and "keepin it 100." I think I know who I want the next Bachelor to be...

The Bachelor Episode 6: The Badlands Bye Bye

Widowmaker Cleanup on Aisle 5

We begin the episode still in Santa Fe with some work left from last week’s rose ceremony amid the Widowmaker’s panic attack. Rickles gives an early QOTN summing up everyone's thoughts - “Bitches be crazy.”

The girls have serious doubts about the Widowmaker’s condition and claim she's only playing "the widow card." Have Tim and I told you we love this show? Their doubts worsen when the only salve for her panic attack appears to be alone time with the Faux Hawk Farmer.

The Widowmaker has faith in her antics, letting the medics know her thoughts, “I’m gonna get a rose tonight, for sure. Just give me the bunch.”

It's Rose Ceremony Time

Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Nurse Whitney are safe.

Joining them are...

• Playboy Jade
• Rickles
• No IQ Megan
• Hugs Becca
• The Maculate Virgin
• The Widowmaker

Goodbye Ferngully and Samantha. I write this with the utmost sincerity, Samantha, we hardly knew ya. Like, I have NOTHING to say about you other than not knowing anything about you.

And We're Off to Deadwood

Chris is excited because Deadwood is the home of Wild Bill Hickock and "this is where Calamity Jane did her business”

Would not receive a rose from Dugan

Does anyone else watch the show like us? I see that limo stroll into town and wonder how many limo companies are in Deadwood, South Dakota? At least one. It's a city of 1,200 people in a county of 24,000. There can't be much need for limo service at the Deadwood Mountain Grand. Incidentally, I picked a night a few weeks out and searched for the most expensive room in the hotel? 129.00. 

Huge Becca with the One-on-One

It's a nice country date for Chris and Hugs. A little horseback riding, shooting and campfire cooking.

This picture accurately explains the date.

Fleiss & Co. 

Two date notes

• Mrs. Dugan did ask a poignant question: Are they cooking Shish Kabobs with their hands??? 
• Chris got a kiss and Hugs Becca got a rose. 

Group Date with Big, Rich, No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Fav Britt, Nurse Whitney, and Jade 

Oh, you don't know Big and Rich? Yes, you do. They sing that song you hear every week in the fall at 9:00am. 

Let's run this group date down quickfire, hot take style

• Carly Rae has been dying for this date all season
• There are probably few blog writers that know less about country than your esteemed duo.
• Nashville Native No IQ Meghan is good to go.
• Playboy Jade is more nervous than uh....nevermind.
• Big or Rich (I don't know who is who) helps calm Jade down with a run

Jade with Big...or Rich

• I'll give Chris credit as he also sang horribly before putting the girls on the spot.
• Britt wasn't bad.
• Nurse Whitney was bad
• Rickles was her namesake appropriate crude self
• No IQ Megan wasn't so bad.
• Carly Rae gave a strong performance. 
• It was pretty dick of Fleiss & Co. to make Jade go after Quasi Professional singer Carly Rae.
• The most important part of the episode was a short glimpse of the girls doing the EDDIE FROM OHIO DOSEY DOE

What's Fav Britt's nickname? Oh, Favorite. Wow, never has a Bachelor/ette contestant opened such a commanding lead this early in a season. I am thinking about a nickname change to Secretariat because I like my references old and musty - like pictures of Tom Snyder. 

Thinks Secretariat nickname is gold. 

How fast did Chris get out of the firing squad after giving the group date rose to Secretariat? The audience knew it was bad...then Nurse Whitney lets us know they were ditched for OVER AN HOUR. It's safe to say that no one from the group of No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Nurse Whitney or Jade is winning this thing. You cannot ditch your future wife for an hour on a date to hang out with Secretariat. Chris just created five ready, willing and able Widowmakers.

It's the Two-on-One Nick Name Smackdown

It's the Widowmaker v. The Maculate Virgin. Enter Helicopter. The Widowmaker knows all 4 presidents on Mount Rushmore. Although she could have been more specific on "Roosevelt." The Maculate Virgin countered with a pretty strong breakdown of nuance in season two of The Hills.

Ok, let's see how they spend their one-on-one time with Chris.

The Maculate Virgin gets down to business. A little make out session followed by Widowmaker bashing. Predictable, but a strong performance nonetheless. 

Enter the Widowmaker. She's touting her experience as a wife. However, we all know how that ended for the last guy. Perhaps not her strongest card to play. Then, Chris rats on The Maculate Virgin.

Then we get the confrontation.

oh shit.

Ashley I, I'm going to use your real name because I don't want you to get confused. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris is drowning in the Maculate Virgin's tears and has to send her home. He correctly pointed out that that she wouldn't really fit in Iowa or with Chris' lifestyle. What happens next was a personal highlight for me and my QOTN. It appeared to shake Chris.

TMV: “Oh, and you feel Britt wants that lifestyle???”

Going down swinging

Next comes the rare double cut. And we get a helicopter exit for our Faux Hawk Farmer leaving The Maculate Virgin to her doom with the Widowmaker. Best exit since Guard and Protect Your Heart was left on a glacier to die of hypothermia. 

Until next week when Wags returns and order is restored.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Say Yes to the Des

The show opened with previews for the drama filled night but Munich was the real star of the episode.

We join Des on her first trip to Europe with three dates: A One-on-One, Group, and the dreaded Two-on-One. Chris Harrison flexes his bilingual muscles and welcomes the guys to Germany. Drew wanted everyone to know his appropriate and favorite song.

Chris gets the first One-on-One and is having a true bounceback season. I'm willing to call Chris the single most-improved player during one season in Bachelor/ette history. However, as Paul George (who did he lose to?) can tell you, no NBA most improved player award recipient has ever won an NBA title. Does that mean Chris is doomed?

Bryden's breaking down explaining that Des' kind words in the Jersey Shore were not enough: "A quick little bandaid over a deeper wound." Yikes, hyperbole. Bryden is always thinking about Des and assumes she'd like to know about his decision to go home as soon as possible - even during her date with Chris.

Rain causes some technical issues in the Dugan house but here are my thoughts:

• Chris rocked a sausage store
• They went to try on German clothes. This is a fairly regular event for Bachelor/ettes. Readers, do you often go on dates where you try on traditional dress of the region you are visiting? I have NEVER done this. Has anyone? Do Fleiss & Co. believe the viewer finds this interesting?
• Bryden interrupts with one of the worst scripted moments in Bachelor history. Going around walking trying to find television cameras while being followed by television cameras. I wanted every single German who he asked to point at the fucking camera five feet from him as he was asking where the TV camera was.
• Pretzels and giant beers look amazing.

Zugspitze Group Date 

Juan Pablo, Big Jim, #, Shirtless Zak, Hockey Hair, and NYC Mikey trek the Highest Peak in all of Germany. The date meant that Domer Mike and Ben would have the Two-On-One and caused Domer Mike to get his game face on declaring that he will have to murder Ben. At this point, I became distracted from the group date trying to determine the number of murders in Germany and just how much Domer Mike would stand out for such an act. Here's the group date highlights:

• An ancient, misogynist yodeler tries to teach the guys yodeling tricks.
• The guys sled down the hill as NYC Mikey explains "This is no bunny hill."
• Zak drops a gem of a quote: "Love is like sledding down this hill." He really said that.
• Shirtless Zak could have been Father Zak.
• James is a favorite and some of the guys are starting to notice.
• Brooks gets the rose.

Domer Mike's Miami Heat Date, Wait what?

The Date Card asks Ben and Miami's Domer Mike to Heat things up. Oh, come on. Domer Mike Heat. . Miami Heat. Boom.

Domer Mike is in full on gladiator mode entering as the underdog against villain Father Ben. Mike brings up murder, Armageddon, and details his goals: "Ready to send this fucker home.”

The most reliable stats I could find shows that Germany had about 690 murders in a calendar year. Chicago had 506 last year. Mike, please don't murder anyone over Des. It’s depressing looking up the murder rate of US cities compared to Germany. Also, its frustrating that Domer Mike seems willing to sully the name of Domers, Floridians, Attorneys, etc for Des.

Some more quick-fire thoughts on the date:

• Polar Bear Plunge Psycheout! It's a Hot Tug where you are in a hot tub/boat contraption. 
• Mike is pretty fired up and on the offensive. Never mind, he's just offensive. 
• Mike calls out Father Ben's fathering, friendship and mass attendance skills.
• Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew and # are having a "Here for the Right Reasons" discussion. DRINK. It centers on bad boys NYC Mikey and James.
• Only a Domer would call out someone for missing mass. This is getting ridiculous.
• YET! It secures a rose. Father Ben is probably the only person that could have lost to Mike on this date. I've never seen a less likable performance secure the rose on the two-on-one.
• "That shocks me,” Mrs. Dugan.

Non-Cocktail Rose Ceremony

Chris H. wants Des to kiss and tell, but she doesn't take the bait. Chris, Hockey Hair (Congrats Blackhawks) and Domer Mike are safe with Roses.

Who is joining them? 

• Shirtless Zak
• #
• Juan Pablo (Has he been on a date this season?)
• Drew...and
• Big Jim.

Goodbye NYC Mikey from Chicago. Until next week in Barthelona.

Episode V: Vegas Tears Edition

It is 5 weeks into the season and all of the ladies are officially "in love" with Brad. And while Dugan is in love with the blog, it's also the end of the month and has some billing to get to. Luckily, it was a pretty uneventful episode for blogging.

We have three dates to discuss, the usual one-on-one , Group Date and the year's first two-on-one Battle Royale Ashley edition.

Shawntel's Enbalming Exposé

6 Feet Under Gets the first one-on-one Date as the show moves from California to Las Vegas. Mrs. Dugan is confidant in 6 Feet Under and feels a hometown Funeral Parlor visit is in our future.  Shawntel gets to experience a slight upgrade from the Chico Mall as Brad takes her on an upscale shopping spree (Dugan is bored....UNTIL). Of course the producers don't let 6 Feet and Brad enjoy their Pretty Women moment. They parade Shawntel and her many purchases in front of the remaining women. (Extend claws. Have everyone who has had a one-on-one complain about said one-on-one. End scene.) After a considerable amount of this "one-on-one" was spent with the other girls, Brad and Little Miss Chico head up to the rooftop for some Embalming talk over dinner. Brad gives a rose to "the hottest funeral director" he's ever met even though there was some disturbing talk about Peaches, the cross-eyed cat.

Vegas Nights: The Ballad of Bradmund Freud

Nascar Brad takes the following ladies on a car racing Group Date: Alli, Food Writer Britt, Lisa, CEM II, Sporty Spice Marissa, Next Bachelorette Emily, Car Dealer Step-Daddy Chantal, and Artist Jackie. However, it really turns out to be a Bradmund-Emily one-on-one with the other 7 ladies leering longingly at our loquacious leading man.

The Show's producers went that extra level of dick having Emily race at the track that ended her late fiancé's driving career. Emily puts Brad at ease, pushes herself, drives and wins this Race for the Rose.

Brad realizes he has some pretty big shoes to fill, and the producers have wisely foreshadowed Emily's exit stage left to become the Bachelorette.

The remaining girls are jealous of Emily but none express it quite like Alli. As all fans remember, Alli had her own tragedy in life. She previously confessed to Bradmund that an ex-boyfreind once intimated she had a big derriere. Congratulations are in order as Alli serves up the quote of the night:

“We all have problems. We all have issues. Just because she has the worst story, she gets the most attention.”

Two-on-One Battle Royale: Ashley Style

This date lost a lot of steam once you realized the Nanny and the Dentist were close. The girls were not going to pull out all the stops to trash one another. Brad cuts the more attractive and stable Nanny Ashley to keep around the Dentist. I thought this would have been a good time for a double cut.  But now when I think of my former pick to go far and first impression rose recipient, Nanny Ashley, this is all that comes to mind:

Rose Ceremony

Brad stops by the ladies’ suite for the rose ceremony. Chantal lets Brad know that the women felt left out at the Vegas Nights date. Brad explains that it’s just science.

Alli gets some special alone time with Brad that she was desparately seeking. (Dugan secretly wishes she now gets sent home). Marissa gets some special alone time that she was desparately seeking and gives Brad a stack of notes to read. (Dugan secretly wishes she gets sent home tonight for the added humor). CEMII pulls some dominatrix maneuvers with Brad and lets him know that it’s time to send the others home.

We know 6 Feet Under, the Dentist and the next Bachelorette are safe. Joining them are . . . CEMII, Alli, Food Writer Britt (Surprise!), Artist Jackie . . . and Step Daddy Car Dealer Chantal.

Sporty Spice Marissa and her pack of notes are kicked off the show. Lisa is gone, but rushes home to study for the PSAT’s.

Till we meet again.