The Bachelor Episode 6: The Badlands Bye Bye

Widowmaker Cleanup on Aisle 5

We begin the episode still in Santa Fe with some work left from last week’s rose ceremony amid the Widowmaker’s panic attack. Rickles gives an early QOTN summing up everyone's thoughts - “Bitches be crazy.”

The girls have serious doubts about the Widowmaker’s condition and claim she's only playing "the widow card." Have Tim and I told you we love this show? Their doubts worsen when the only salve for her panic attack appears to be alone time with the Faux Hawk Farmer.

The Widowmaker has faith in her antics, letting the medics know her thoughts, “I’m gonna get a rose tonight, for sure. Just give me the bunch.”

It's Rose Ceremony Time

Fav Britt, Carly Rae, and Nurse Whitney are safe.

Joining them are...

• Playboy Jade
• Rickles
• No IQ Megan
• Hugs Becca
• The Maculate Virgin
• The Widowmaker

Goodbye Ferngully and Samantha. I write this with the utmost sincerity, Samantha, we hardly knew ya. Like, I have NOTHING to say about you other than not knowing anything about you.

And We're Off to Deadwood

Chris is excited because Deadwood is the home of Wild Bill Hickock and "this is where Calamity Jane did her business”

Would not receive a rose from Dugan

Does anyone else watch the show like us? I see that limo stroll into town and wonder how many limo companies are in Deadwood, South Dakota? At least one. It's a city of 1,200 people in a county of 24,000. There can't be much need for limo service at the Deadwood Mountain Grand. Incidentally, I picked a night a few weeks out and searched for the most expensive room in the hotel? 129.00. 

Huge Becca with the One-on-One

It's a nice country date for Chris and Hugs. A little horseback riding, shooting and campfire cooking.

This picture accurately explains the date.

Fleiss & Co. 

Two date notes

• Mrs. Dugan did ask a poignant question: Are they cooking Shish Kabobs with their hands??? 
• Chris got a kiss and Hugs Becca got a rose. 

Group Date with Big, Rich, No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Fav Britt, Nurse Whitney, and Jade 

Oh, you don't know Big and Rich? Yes, you do. They sing that song you hear every week in the fall at 9:00am. 

Let's run this group date down quickfire, hot take style

• Carly Rae has been dying for this date all season
• There are probably few blog writers that know less about country than your esteemed duo.
• Nashville Native No IQ Meghan is good to go.
• Playboy Jade is more nervous than uh....nevermind.
• Big or Rich (I don't know who is who) helps calm Jade down with a run

Jade with Big...or Rich

• I'll give Chris credit as he also sang horribly before putting the girls on the spot.
• Britt wasn't bad.
• Nurse Whitney was bad
• Rickles was her namesake appropriate crude self
• No IQ Megan wasn't so bad.
• Carly Rae gave a strong performance. 
• It was pretty dick of Fleiss & Co. to make Jade go after Quasi Professional singer Carly Rae.
• The most important part of the episode was a short glimpse of the girls doing the EDDIE FROM OHIO DOSEY DOE

What's Fav Britt's nickname? Oh, Favorite. Wow, never has a Bachelor/ette contestant opened such a commanding lead this early in a season. I am thinking about a nickname change to Secretariat because I like my references old and musty - like pictures of Tom Snyder. 

Thinks Secretariat nickname is gold. 

How fast did Chris get out of the firing squad after giving the group date rose to Secretariat? The audience knew it was bad...then Nurse Whitney lets us know they were ditched for OVER AN HOUR. It's safe to say that no one from the group of No IQ Megan, Rickles, Carly Rae, Nurse Whitney or Jade is winning this thing. You cannot ditch your future wife for an hour on a date to hang out with Secretariat. Chris just created five ready, willing and able Widowmakers.

It's the Two-on-One Nick Name Smackdown

It's the Widowmaker v. The Maculate Virgin. Enter Helicopter. The Widowmaker knows all 4 presidents on Mount Rushmore. Although she could have been more specific on "Roosevelt." The Maculate Virgin countered with a pretty strong breakdown of nuance in season two of The Hills.

Ok, let's see how they spend their one-on-one time with Chris.

The Maculate Virgin gets down to business. A little make out session followed by Widowmaker bashing. Predictable, but a strong performance nonetheless. 

Enter the Widowmaker. She's touting her experience as a wife. However, we all know how that ended for the last guy. Perhaps not her strongest card to play. Then, Chris rats on The Maculate Virgin.

Then we get the confrontation.

oh shit.

Ashley I, I'm going to use your real name because I don't want you to get confused. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris is drowning in the Maculate Virgin's tears and has to send her home. He correctly pointed out that that she wouldn't really fit in Iowa or with Chris' lifestyle. What happens next was a personal highlight for me and my QOTN. It appeared to shake Chris.

TMV: “Oh, and you feel Britt wants that lifestyle???”

Going down swinging

Next comes the rare double cut. And we get a helicopter exit for our Faux Hawk Farmer leaving The Maculate Virgin to her doom with the Widowmaker. Best exit since Guard and Protect Your Heart was left on a glacier to die of hypothermia. 

Until next week when Wags returns and order is restored.

The Bachelor Episode 3: Faux Hawk Farmer

We begin week 3 with an early morning intruder in the Bachelor mansion. Our friendly farmer starts his day with some coffee delivered by Jimmy Kimmel. I think Jimmy Kimmel seems harmless and likable enough. What late night host would you least like to see bright and early? I know my answer.

Tom Snyder from the Late Late Show, among others.

Rickles' Costco Date

The date card explains that Rickles is about to join an exclusive club with hors-d'oeuvres, sweeping views, tall ceilings, etc. You get the idea. They go to Costco and have to buy obscure items for a dinner date with Jimmy Kimmel. Want an obscure fact somewhat relevant to the show? Costco has two stores in Iowa. 2. Iowa.

My highlight from the date was seeing the Bachelor and I share the same grill.

Jimmy Kimmel brings up the very real problem of the winner and Chris eventually watching the season and being aware of what goes on in the fantasy suites. Rickles understands the premise of the show but does question whether she can receive a similar Hall Pass. Rickles, with the help of her comedian brother Kimmel, secures the rose and will be staying on the show.

Hoedown Throwdown

Hey, that's an original idea. Oh wait, Miley Cyrus has a song about it? From 2010 Miley? And the lyrics include "Pop it. Lock it. Polka Dot it." I AM ALL IN.




Favorita Britt, Crossfit, Becca, Hot For Teacher, Ferngully, Widowmaker, Blackish, Crazy Ashley, Unrboken Juelia, Samantha, Former Cheerleader Nikki and Carly Rae.

The girls are involved in a musical chairs type relay race involving Corn Shucking, finding eggs in a chicken pen, cracking said egg without cracking the yolk, milking goats, drinking said goat milk, shoveling manure, and picking up a greased pig. This show has a history of poor stunts but this has got to be up there on the degrading scale.

It ends up being a 2 woman, 1 man race between Carly Rae, the Widowmaker and Crossfit. Would I say that to Crossfit's face? HELL NO.

Carly Rae enjoys the blue ribbon and the season's second American Gothic reference. I set the over/under on remaining American Gothic references at 1.5. What are you taking?

Episode 3 

Episode 1

The Faux Hawk is applying a lot of chapstick and kissing almost all of the girls on this group date. He's going to get himself in trouble. Becca slows his roll and gives him a hug preferring not to follow Carly Rae, Blackish and Crossfit.

Here's the rest of the highlights in rapid succession.

• Ferngully is concerned and drops the QOTN: “why are you kissing everyone else?”
• Becca must have a strong hug game because she secures the rose.
• Crazy Ashley gave an awesome face in response
• Carly Rae was a sad puppy and came strong with this pathetic QOTN nominee “Roseless feels sooooo bad.”

Nurse Whitney and the Staged Wedding Crashing

If you believe they actually crashed a wedding, please stop reading. This blog isn't for you. There is a good chance you don't understand sarcasm or, really, life in general.

I dislike the "fake reality" TV more than pretty much any aspect of this show so I have little to say other than Nurse Whitney receives the and her prospects for a lengthy run seem good.

Pool Party and Suicide Talk

The rose night cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a fun, relaxed pool party. Everyone is enjoying themselvces so Unbroken Juelia decides it's time for some suicide talk. I would question her decision making...but she is a single mother who, after her husband's suicide, decided to go on a reality dating show.  I am guessing Juelia's trail of poor decisions leaves a helluva wake.

Speaking of bad decisions, watch this:



The rest of the pool highlights:

• Fav Britt is a little unsettled by the other girls but plays it cool
• Jade wants to see his place and secures a rose
• Crossfit and the Maculate Virgin (Jersey Ashley's new nickname) enjoy an awkward hot tub confrontation
• The Maculate Virgin is making a fatal Bachelor mistake. She is spending too much time talking about the other women.

Rose ceremony

Rickles, Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca are safe. Joining them with roses:

Jade
Samantha
Unbroken Juelia
Ferngully
Widowmaker
Fav Britt
Megan
Carly Rae
Crazy Ashley
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Crossfit
Maculate Virgin

Tandra
Hot For Teacher (difficult for me as she was a favorite of Dugan's to go far. They never seemed to click and she didn't seem to mind getting the boot.)
Blackish

Until next week and the return of Tim.