The Bachelor Episode 3: Faux Hawk Farmer

We begin week 3 with an early morning intruder in the Bachelor mansion. Our friendly farmer starts his day with some coffee delivered by Jimmy Kimmel. I think Jimmy Kimmel seems harmless and likable enough. What late night host would you least like to see bright and early? I know my answer.

Tom Snyder from the Late Late Show, among others.

Rickles' Costco Date

The date card explains that Rickles is about to join an exclusive club with hors-d'oeuvres, sweeping views, tall ceilings, etc. You get the idea. They go to Costco and have to buy obscure items for a dinner date with Jimmy Kimmel. Want an obscure fact somewhat relevant to the show? Costco has two stores in Iowa. 2. Iowa.

My highlight from the date was seeing the Bachelor and I share the same grill.

Jimmy Kimmel brings up the very real problem of the winner and Chris eventually watching the season and being aware of what goes on in the fantasy suites. Rickles understands the premise of the show but does question whether she can receive a similar Hall Pass. Rickles, with the help of her comedian brother Kimmel, secures the rose and will be staying on the show.

Hoedown Throwdown

Hey, that's an original idea. Oh wait, Miley Cyrus has a song about it? From 2010 Miley? And the lyrics include "Pop it. Lock it. Polka Dot it." I AM ALL IN.




Favorita Britt, Crossfit, Becca, Hot For Teacher, Ferngully, Widowmaker, Blackish, Crazy Ashley, Unrboken Juelia, Samantha, Former Cheerleader Nikki and Carly Rae.

The girls are involved in a musical chairs type relay race involving Corn Shucking, finding eggs in a chicken pen, cracking said egg without cracking the yolk, milking goats, drinking said goat milk, shoveling manure, and picking up a greased pig. This show has a history of poor stunts but this has got to be up there on the degrading scale.

It ends up being a 2 woman, 1 man race between Carly Rae, the Widowmaker and Crossfit. Would I say that to Crossfit's face? HELL NO.

Carly Rae enjoys the blue ribbon and the season's second American Gothic reference. I set the over/under on remaining American Gothic references at 1.5. What are you taking?

Episode 3 

Episode 1

The Faux Hawk is applying a lot of chapstick and kissing almost all of the girls on this group date. He's going to get himself in trouble. Becca slows his roll and gives him a hug preferring not to follow Carly Rae, Blackish and Crossfit.

Here's the rest of the highlights in rapid succession.

• Ferngully is concerned and drops the QOTN: “why are you kissing everyone else?”
• Becca must have a strong hug game because she secures the rose.
• Crazy Ashley gave an awesome face in response
• Carly Rae was a sad puppy and came strong with this pathetic QOTN nominee “Roseless feels sooooo bad.”

Nurse Whitney and the Staged Wedding Crashing

If you believe they actually crashed a wedding, please stop reading. This blog isn't for you. There is a good chance you don't understand sarcasm or, really, life in general.

I dislike the "fake reality" TV more than pretty much any aspect of this show so I have little to say other than Nurse Whitney receives the and her prospects for a lengthy run seem good.

Pool Party and Suicide Talk

The rose night cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a fun, relaxed pool party. Everyone is enjoying themselvces so Unbroken Juelia decides it's time for some suicide talk. I would question her decision making...but she is a single mother who, after her husband's suicide, decided to go on a reality dating show.  I am guessing Juelia's trail of poor decisions leaves a helluva wake.

Speaking of bad decisions, watch this:



The rest of the pool highlights:

• Fav Britt is a little unsettled by the other girls but plays it cool
• Jade wants to see his place and secures a rose
• Crossfit and the Maculate Virgin (Jersey Ashley's new nickname) enjoy an awkward hot tub confrontation
• The Maculate Virgin is making a fatal Bachelor mistake. She is spending too much time talking about the other women.

Rose ceremony

Rickles, Nurse Whitney and Hugs Becca are safe. Joining them with roses:

Jade
Samantha
Unbroken Juelia
Ferngully
Widowmaker
Fav Britt
Megan
Carly Rae
Crazy Ashley
Former Cheerleader Nikki
Crossfit
Maculate Virgin

Tandra
Hot For Teacher (difficult for me as she was a favorite of Dugan's to go far. They never seemed to click and she didn't seem to mind getting the boot.)
Blackish

Until next week and the return of Tim.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Hometowns

So Mrs. Wags and I just returned from a European vacation, and I'm writing a day late with no ice cream.  I panicked and asked Mrs. Wags what I would have with my whiskey.  She replied that I could have part of an Aero bar and/or some digestive biscuits that we brought back from Ireland.  This just is not going to cut it.  After Dugan's ultra-patriotic post from last week, I feel that my Euro-candy and Euro-biscuits are an embarrassment to this blog.  And I apologize.

I can't quit you

On to the show.  We are at that point with four guys left and a marriage proposal could be on the way in a couple short weeks.  It feels like anyone could win, but no one should.  This is definitely the beauty (and horror) of this show.

Hans in Milwaukee

Somehow, I did not realize that Hans (Nick) lives in Milwaukee.  I assumed he lived in some ice castle.  (That was my best attempt at a Frozen reference.  Still haven't seen the movie.  Sorry Dugan).  

Hans wore a scarf on the date that looked suspiciously like Andi's scarf.  I guess Hans knew the blog post was going to start with a Euro theme.  

Hans brought Andi on a beer brewery tour.  I was really hoping they would go to one of Milwaukee's best breweries.  He would be a beast is he brought her there (see where I'm going with this?).  

It's premium

They eventually arrived Hans's parents' home.  His parents have apparently spent the past two decades having kids.  

The Hans Family

Hans had a heart-to-heart with one of his sisters in the basement of the house.  It had a finished basement.  Having spent some time in the midwest and watched many episodes of House Hunters, I know that finished basements are a big deal.  It also had an electric dartboard.  I got a little weepy remembering the home of my favorite electric dartboard:

5,356 games played, $0 spent

Hans talks like he's wearing a retainer.  I probably shouldn't throw stones in glass houses since I have had various retainer devices over the years, but this guy's voice bugs.

Hans riddle: How does his mom look like she could be his older sister and his younger sister look like  she could be his daughter?  Answer: He's his uncle and his brother.

The date ended.  They kissed.  You get the picture.  Hans is a lock for the final three.

John Deere in Iowa

John Deere explained that Arlington, Iowa has a population of 758, but it's 759 today because Andi is here.  Someone needs to explain to Deere how population counts work.  Remind the US Government not to hire JD as a census worker.

At JD's house, Andi asked if his backyard is "the farmland."  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD then took Andi for a ride on his JOHN DEERE tractor (how apropos).  This relationship is not going to work out.  

JD noted that he's broken the mold because he's a farmer on the Bachelorette.  Andi said that she could live on a farm because "her family has a lake house in the middle of nowhere."  (early favorite for quote of the night). I think he's broken the mold because he's the first farmer in Iowa with a faux-hawk.  

When asked what she would do in Iowa, Deere responded that she could be a homemaker.  

This is not going to work out

John Deere's mom, Mrs. Deere, told Andi that living on a farm takes gumption. This relationship is not going to work out.  

After a quick game of Sardines, Andi left.  The date seemed to go well.  I'll be shocked if he makes it another round.

Josh Griffey Jr. in Tampa

Let me start by saying I cannot stand this guy.  I roll my eyes at every word he says.  His face bugs me.  His voice bugs me.  This is going to be difficult.  

Josh is a former baseball player (in case you forgot), so of course he took Andi to a baseball field.  In case you were wondering if he was good, he was not.  In case you were wondering if he ever played in the majors, he did not.  But once again, I only played JV baseball in high school, so maybe I should pipe down:

Josh's brother is Aaron Murray, former star quarterback at Georgia and now in the NFL with the Kansas City Chiefs.  Looks like Andi got the wrong brother.  Here's Aaron.

Rich

Josh's mom says that Josh is "very sincere."  That's the last word I would use to describe Josh.  I take that back.  It's the second-to-last word I would use.  "Intelligent" is #1.  

The family went to the backyard and played some pickup football.  I was hoping Aaron throw one off of Josh's forehead, but not all dreams come true (e.g. Josh's MLB dream...that's mean....I take that back....no I don't).

The date ended.  As all hometown dates must.

Marcus Gosling in Dallas

Gosling drove Andi to a penthouse suite in his Benz and then stripped for Andi in a sailor outfit.  Andi seemed to be having flash-fowards to the fantasy suite, describing Gosling as "the hottest guy she's ever dated."  This is one of those moments that would be hard to watch if one of the other three guy's win it all.  

Mrs. Wags just asked me, "who is this guy?"  When people ask me if Mrs. Wags makes me watch the show, I quickly reply, "I make her watch the show."  This moment was undeniable proof that I am not lying.  

Andi met Gosling's mom, siblings, and nieces.  Gosling's dad left when they were kids, forcing Gosling's older brother into a father-figure role.  In one of the more genuine moments in Bachelor history, Gosling tearfully thanked his older brother for being there for him during the hard times.  It seemed like a nice moment for them.  

On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like Gosling had as many nice moments with Andi during his hometown.  I think he may be on the chopping block. 

Chris Harrison' Home

For the first time ever, we got to see the inside of Chris Harrison's home.  Hopefully this is foreshadowing next season on the Bachelor when 25 lucky ladies vie for Chris Harrison's love.  

Andi and the four guys were brought there to hear that Dora died in a paragliding accident.  There were lots of tears.  It was too serious, and thus, unbloggable.

Rose Ceremony

The tears continued into the rose ceremony, but the show must go on.

Getting their rose tickets to the fantasy suite were Josh Griffey Jr., John Deere, and Hans.

Marcus Gosling went home.  Not too surprising.  

Until next week, when Dugan makes all your fantasies come true.