We have had some memorable hometown dates in recent years, most likely topped by the bird burial at Naomi's house, followed by Mellisa's parents' lack of interest in meeting Jason. And its where America fell in love with a Canadian, Jillian. As Jake talked about the importance of the hometown dates while packing, the camera panned out and showed Jake in shorts walking down the hallway of the hotel. As, fans of Coach Schnellenberger know, the knees are a man's vagina and should only be shown when a man means business. So let's get to business.
OctoJolie in the Big Apple
And a reject from the Jersey Shore was there to play step-brother Erick. He explains his sister will not get hurt again and doesn't want to "hunt you down and break a few legs..." As the dinner table chuckles, Erick continues creepily, "and that's fine that you laugh." How did this guy not get on the Shore??? The date ends with Mom taking the Octo aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.
Ali in Mass
Ali welcomes Jake to Massachusetts on a picturesque fall day. The camera crew obsesses with shots of benches while Ali talks about childhood memories of catching falling leaves. Jake comes to the rescue and shakes the fuck out of a tree limb so she can catch a leaf. Ali begrudgingly plays along making a wish for her prince charming once she is the Bachelorette. Then we find out that Ali's last name is Bates and she shared a quaint home with her mother-like figure who has passed. Then produces pan up and show the home.
So, we know this episode should end well for Ali and Jake. Jake thanks her for the intimate evening and the Dugan household and guests (Allyson and Erik) have a short discussion on the difference of the word "intimate" between the Bachelor and Jersey Shore. Ali brings Jake back to her mom to meet the family and Jake asks Ali's mom for her daughter's hand in marriage. She consents.
Then, the moment of the episode happened. Each episode has a classic moment and it happened when Ali and Jake had a romantic setting outside her home. Ali looks good and is showing a little skin whereas Jake is wrapped up in a ridiculous scarf and gloves. He looks ready to run the Iditarod. They decide to passionately kiss and Jake takes time to remove his gloves so he can grab Ali's face. Cut to one of them talking about the special moment. Cut back and Jake has his gloves back on. So........they are going at it and Jake complains about cold hands and takes a timeout to get his gloves back on? A classic. The date ends with Mom taking Ali aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.
Tenley in Oregon
As my friend Erik is watching his first episode of the Bachelor, he asks "Does ABC make them run at each other?" I don't know and I don't care, but I do love the awkwardness. Jake still has his scarf wrapped tight from Ali's date. They have a nice chat about who will be wearing the pants in the family and then Katie Morgan wants to dance for Jake. I tried to get a picture of Katie Morgan to show the blog faithful how much she looks like Tenley, and while google image searches for Katie Morgan can produce interesting results, I did not feel they were blog appropriate. Jake is not only Patrick Bateman. He is not only the kid from Big. He is also Mike Newhouse from Dazed and Confused.
And Tenley let's him explore his inner dancer as she performs a routine to a wedding march song. Hint hint. Tenley's family was understandably concerned with her rough year and it was on this hometown date where I became convinced that ABC uses cue cards for the family to read from. Jake asked Robert for his daughter's hand in marriage even though Katie's mom said that Katie was prone to "emotional spillovers." Those sound fun to deal with. The date ends with Mom taking Katie aside and explaining that she has a good feeling about the two of them.
Vienna in Florida
Vienna and Jake stroll through a lovely swamp like setting the night after the Super Bowl showed Florida in all its glitz and glamor glory. Thank you, ABC, from the Chamber of Commerce. Despite what looked like a great set up, it was a pretty ho-hum hometown for Vienna explaining "this time I get married, I'm gonna take it seriously." The family defends Vienna against the other jealous girls and dad explains that with Vienna, "the kids will be raised right." That's odd. I feel the exact opposite about Vienna's potential parenting skills than her father. The date ends with Dad taking Vienna aside and explaining that he has a good feeling about the two of them.
Back in LA
All blog faithful know that Ali has to make her exit to prepare for the Bachelorette. She has to go out on gut-wrenching terms to have America root for her next season. With that being said, she has to make the E.D. choice of work or love. Since she's clearly not in love, it was an easy choice. But she tried to sell it as best she could. I theorized that Ali works at a Subway sandwich shop and they were going to cut her lunch hours which make the best tips. She couldn't chance that to try for love with Jake.
Jake tries his best - which wasn't very good. He explains that "life is about minimizing your regrets." It is? That is the meaning of life?!!?! I was hoping for something so profound and for it to come from someone other than Jake Pavelka. He continues that he will not guarantee a ring but pleads "take a chance on me." Now everybody all together now...
Blog guest Allyson points out that Ali is already in work clothes but I didn't notice the Five Dollar Footlong apron. Jake sticks his foot in his mouth with "whatever you decide is ok." No, it's not. Because Ali was the best girl left. Now you are left with Hooters waitress Vienna, jock sniffer OctoJolie, and "dancer" Katie Morgan.
The rose ceremony was cancelled and we didn't get Dugan's favorite line from Chris Harrison. Next week, Wags picks us up in the Caribbean for some overnight action.
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Dugan, I totally agree with your assessment of Ali becoming the next Bachelorette. I tried to make that bet with the future Mrs. Irishtanker. However, she's much too smart for my tricks and wouldn't accept.
ReplyDeleteThe moment I found to be the most humorous was when Ali was standing there at the rose ceremony, right before her "big" decision. It was clear on her face what the decision would be. She kept looking at Chris and appeared to be mouthing/head nodding "Now should I do it Chris?"
Ali was by far the best one left of the four. She was the only one I felt Jake actually had a comfortable relationship with. I think it's hilarious and quite poetic that Jake was likely going to oust Vienna Morgan and now he's stuck with her for LIFE. Perfect.
Ali's fake crying in the limo was pathetic. As he is bent over the handrail, Jake appears to be so heartbroken. How can he ever move on from having his heart stomped on again? Don't worry folks. Jake's one tough SOB who has come too far to give up now. He will fight on. He enters the fake rose ceremony like nothing happened. Which one is it Jake?
Someone needs to stop the producers from producing/writing/creating cheesy ass moments and storylines. You're losing me.
Love the structure of this post. Jake is getting a little reckless with the "can I ask your daughter to marry me" business, isn't he?
ReplyDeleteI thought Jake was going to propose to Ali in the awkward glove exchange... too bad he didn't then this season could be over.
The over has been made for girls opting out, very exciting. Does that hotel not have any balconies for Jake to Meznick over? I don't know how they spin Ali not being able to leave her job for Jake but somehow leaving it for her own show?
Great observations Dugan, Jeff, and Mike. A few of my random thoughts below and then an analysis of Ali's situation.
ReplyDelete1) I completely missed the significance of Jake's gloved hands. That's really funny in hindsight. That's what this blog is all about: hard-hitting Bachelor analysis.
2) I agree with Vienna's Dad that Vienna would raise her kids right, but I'm sure that could only be accomplished if she was truly "serious" about it.
3) Thank you for NOT posting a picture of Katie Morgan.
Ali's departure only makes sense in two ways. She's either trying to further her resume for next Bachelorette, or she is going for the E.D. strategy to win it all. Neither of those ways has to do with her stated purpose of going back to her job.
There's no way she didn't plan for her job to end at some point. Everyone knows that Jake lives in Texas. Going into the show, she must have known this was a possibility. That only leaves two other options.
Option A) She wants to become the next Bachelorette. Like Wes from last season, Ali has an incentive to get as far as possible. Unlike Wes, Ali can't sing the greatest song ever written in Bachleor history, "They say that love, it don't come easy." Once she reached this point and we had met her family and become a bit attached to her, she chose the perfect time to get out.
Option B) She's going with the E.D. strategy to win. I think this option is the underdog, but I am somewhat swayed by her phone call to Jake that the previews showed. Maybe we've read her wrong and she actually just wants to win so she can be in the media as much as possible.