The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo's Blueberry and Paper Airplane Life

As the poet Ludacris once said, "Oh no, a fight's out.  I'm about to punch yo [sic] lights out."  While Ludacris was impolitely asking a woman to "get out the way," he might as well have been sending a prophetic warning to ED Evan.  Turd's cycling steroids like I'm cycling ice cream (butterscotch pecan) and whiskey.  Let's begin...

The episode picked up with Turd being forced to make nice with the other less-meaty meats. Turd's version of an apology was to say that he will give ED $20 for a new t-shirt.  ED just wanted Turd to promise that he won't be violent.  Turd could not even really promise that.

Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Instead of a cocktail party, the guys and JoJo had a pool party.  Jim-Gym pulled a reverse Damn Daniel and jumped in the pool wearing a business suit.  The pool party then came to a screeching halt when ED Evan got a bloody nose in the pool.  I can only remember one other instance of a pool clearing out as quickly:

The pool day took a more serious turn when Turd accused all the guys of talking about him to JoJo (they were.)  

Turd very angry.  About to make explosion.

Turd confronted Harry Potter about talking about him.  Harry Potter tried to pull a Jedi mind trick and told Turd, "Perception is reality." Is that true?  I am going to have to think about that one. 

Turd said he does not watch the Bachelor/ette because he "has a job and a life."  So I'm guessing he doesn't also have a Bachelor Blog?  

At the Rose Ceremony, joining ED Evan, Sweet Baby, and Chase with roses, was:

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter Derek

QB4

Robby

All 4 Wells

Jim-Gym (really falling in love with this nickname)

Vine Barbarino

Damn Daniel

Marine Devito

Turd

Goodbye Aladdin Ali  St. Nick, and Big Brother Christian.  Tough go for short guys.  Marine Devito is in trouble.  Mrs. Wags sadly says, "Who knew Santa could be so boring?"  JoJo ruined Christmas.

Great news!  The Bachelorette is leaving the mansion to a mystery location.  Bad news!  They're going to Pennsylvania.  The budget cuts are in full effect.

Solo Date #1: Cool Hand Luke

The date started with dog sledding on a wheeled cart.  Pennsylvania is such a wannabe Alaska.  The dogs dropped them off at a wood-fire hot tub in the forest.  Pennsylvania is confusing.  

The fire hot tub was an epic fail.  Not surprisingly, it is hard to control the temperature on wood burning hot tub.  JoJo burned herself.  

Something about Cool Hand seems a little off.  I think it's his eyes (I really like to look deeply into their eyes).  Then it hit me.  Because I've watched every Ashley Judd movie with Mrs. Wags multiple times, I realized who he looks like:

Is Cool Hand Luke also a war criminal?

Back at the house, Turd says you don't want to poke the "Chad Bear" because if he punches you, "you're head would explode."  Turd is like Harambe, a 400 pound gorilla that may need to be put down for the safety of others.  

Cool Hand Luke got a rose, but before the date ended, JoJo had one more surprise.  They went to a  Dan + Shay concert at the Palace in Allentown to slow dance in front of the audience.  I had to go an expert to figure out who Dan + Shay are:

Wags: Have you heard of Dan + Shay?

Brother Wags aka Little Wags: I have indeed.  They play solid, kind of Pop-esque country songs.

Wags: They were on the Bachelorette tonight.

Little Wags: Sell outs.  They're dead to me.   

Group Date: Harry Potter, Sweet Baby James, All 4 Wells, Damn Daniel, Chase Needs a Nickname, Jim-Gym, Vinny Barbarino, Ed Evan, Firefighter, QB4, and Robby

The guys went to Heinz Field, home of another notorious meathead, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben, along with Hines Ward and Brett Keisel, put the guys through some football drills.    I wish Brett Keisel was on the show because he has a hairline that I can relate to.

My kind of guy

Back at the house, Marine Devito and Turd discussed their impending two-on-one date.  Turd says sometimes the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them.  Harrison better intervene before this gets ugly.

On the date, the guys played a 5-on-5 game.  In an unusual display of fairness, QB4 played all-time quarterback.  ED Evan got his second bloody nose of the night.  So sexy.

Shockingly, the team with ED Evan and Sweet Baby won the game.  It's a team sport, baby.  (GO WARRIORS!!!)

In the evening portion of the date, JoJo said that Robby is a "man."  I'd agree, except that he goes by "Robby."  C'mon Rob/Bob/Robert/Bert, grow up.  (Not enough "Berts" these days.)

QB4 got the date rose.

Two-on-One Date: Turd vs. Marine Devito

In preparation for the date, Turd called Devito a "whiny little bitch" and challenged him to go outside.    Turd said he would also find QB4 after the show and harm him.  Turd makes Sosa and McGwire's steroid use seem tame.  

Vinny Barbarino said the "notorious Chad" and the "notorious Alex" were going on dates.  When we need a nickname for Chase, we probably should not ask Barbarino.  

The date took the guys to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.  The trio went on a hike to find the Blair Witch.  While in the forest, Fleiss and Co. made their all-time riskiest decision to give a machete to Turd and an axe to Marine Devito.  The Bachelorette's insurance agent must have been holding his or her breath.  

My real life handwriting may be worse than my digital handwriting.

Marine Devito outed Turd for threatening to physically harm the other guys.  Turd defended himself by saying that he has not hurt anyone, but has only threatened them.  He should hire an attorney to make all statements for him.  

Predictably, Turd confronted Marine Devito.  In a peculiar exchange, Turd said that it's too bad that life is not "all blueberries and paper airplanes."  Turd also said Marine Devito needed to chill out with a glass of milk because, "milk is delicious."  I can't disagree.  We then learned that Turd is also a Marine!  Who isn't a war veteran on this show?

Marine Devito got the date rose.  Hide the machete!  Turd is going home.  Like Turd always says, life isn't all blueberries and paper airplanes.  

Turd walked through the forest to confront the guys back at the house.  

To be continued in two weeks, when we find out if Turd is actually the Blair Witch.