The Bachelorette Episode 3: JoJo and the Meats

Hello from sunny South Florida as Dugan brings you the night 1 recap of a 2-night Bachelor special. I really don’t know how “special” this episode was, but I’ll try my best to capture the highlights before Tim brings you tonight's dramatic conclusion.

We wake up after last week’s rose ceremony and the house is a disaster, littered with Turd’s meat plates and shame. Look, Fleiss & Co. like to set up the same roles every season and they outdid themselves this year on the dickhead role. Lines in the sand have been drawn with the entire house on one side and Turd on the other with an occasional pep talk from Damn Daniel.

We have three dates with two boring One-on-Ones and a Group Date with enough action to make up for the dud dates.

JoJo, Chase, Angergasms and a Band No One’s Heard

Chase doesn’t have a nickname which is never a good omen. Chase gets a one-on-one yoga date with JoJo. I expected a calmer experience but was greeted with tantrums and angergasms. Is this normal yoga behavior?

Honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about this boring date. Chase’s parents divorced and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. We hear a band no one knows and Chase earns the rose.  Moving forward, we are going out of order to bring you the second one-on-one simply to get it out of the way. 

Sweet Baby James and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Sweet Baby James and JoJo learn to jump, jive an’ wail while James drops a sneaky contender for QOTN: “I’m just hoping JoJo is looking for a normal guy.” Solid work, normal guy. He explains that he was awkward growing up and doesn’t have much confidence in his looks. It’s another boring date that also garners a rose. 

Group Sex Talk with QB4, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, Jim Gym, Brother Daddy, Aladdin Ali, Damn Daniel, Saint Nick, ED Evan, Marine DeVito, Barbarino, and Turd

Predictable but a true classic from Salt-N-Pepa. The men are invited to a local community theatre where they detail their most embarrassing sex stories. Damn Daniel gives Turd the worst advice imaginable: Get your courage up with alcohol. Probably not a good idea considering who he was talking to.

Some highlights

• Firefighter Grant lost his virginity in a park and was arrested.
• Saint Nick knows his ABCs.
• QB4 detailed the importance of fluffing.
• Damn Daniel has some some major issues beyond befriending Turd.

ED Evan tops the rest with ease. He takes on the Turd with a searing take on steroids clearly directed at Turd. Turd does not approve and rips his shirt while passing to get on stage. He then falls flat when he tries to kiss JoJo but she deftly offers a cheek instead. 

ED Evan's Performance

Turd's Performance

The evening cocktail party was brought to you by the T-birds with JoJo, Barbarino, ED Evan, Firefighter Grant, and Ali all sporting leather jackets. 

Mostly this night becomes the ED Evan v. Turd show. Turd does drop some inside info saying ED Evan has 3 kids. This has not come out from EDE yet? We need more Evan backstory. Pastor turned ED specialist with three kids who may be on the wrong show...if you catch my drift. Regardless, Evan gets the rose and Turd is confused. To be fair, that’s likely a common feeling for Turd.

Chad's incredulity brought what would normally be the Dugan QOTN: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now…You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”

Back at the House

Harry Potter is scared for his life since he sleeps next to Turd. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, but isn’t Harry Potter a wizard? He should be tougher. A Security Guard patrols the property in a high-letter yellow safety vest (WHY???) to protect the guys from Turd.

Damn Daniel decides it’s time to sit down with Turd.

DD: “Let’s just pretend your Hitler”

T:     “Let’s not say that”

DD:  “Let’s just pretend”

T:      “No”

DD: “Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini. Take it down a notch. Say your like Donald Trump…it doesn’t look good if I’m friends with you.”

I LOVE THIS SEASON. ED Evan turns to Chris Harrison to save him. Chris agrees to talk with Turd. Until tomorrow when we find out whether Chris’ efforts pay off. 

Save us, Chris.

Hint: they wont.