The Bachelorette Episode 6: JoJo and the Bullies

In addition to being on the lookout for any sign of receding hairlines among these guys, I am also going to pay attention to whether the roses that they use are real.  I believe that the date roses are fake and the rose ceremony roses real.  While the answer to this question is of little consequence, most of the questions related to this show are inconsequential.  Of greater consequence is that I have vanilla ice cream and scotch in my brand new crystal glass (thanks to Mrs. Wags on father's day!)  On to the show...

The episode started off in Argentina.  This is perfect because lots of Bachelor(ette) contestants cry, and the most famous Argentinian also likes to cry.

JoJo just said "funnest."  Step into my office...you're fired. 

Harrison announced that, for the first time in Bachelor history, there will be a second two-on-one date.  America collectively remains unimpressed.  

Solo Date: All 4 Wells

Before his date, All 4 Wells announced that he is the only guy that has not kissed JoJo.  The other guys were "blown away" that he hasn't kissed her because they can't keep their hands off her.  

As they left for their date, the bullies all laughed at how nervous All 4 Wells appeared.  Chase Needs a Nickname said he needs to "besame brochacho."  Good thing he has cool hair because he has nothing else going on in the skull-region.  

The date theme was celebrating the vibrant culture of Buenos Aires, or as JoJo calls it, Bwenose Aries. They did some performance art while All 4 Wells debated whether to kiss JoJo.  He constantly second guessed when to kiss her.  He needs to bring K-Ci and JoJo as a confidence booster.  

Confession: I have no idea which guy was K-Ci

On the evening portion of the date, JoJo stuck with her standard question, "tell me about your last girlfriend."  All 4 Wells ended his last relationship because they treated each other more like friends.  Unfortunately, All 4 Wells just described the way JoJo feels about him.  All 4 Wells did not get the rose, but JoJo consoles him by letting him know that it has been "amazing" to get to know him.

JoJo "never thought her first kiss with Wells could be her last."  Mrs. Wags, looking down at her phone when JoJo uttered this quote, quipped "Did she kill him?"  That would be quite a twist.

Group Date: Cool Hand Luke, Robby, QB4 Jordan, Sweet Baby James, and Marine Devito

Sweet Baby James is feeling intimidated because the guys are all so perfect and are really cool dudes.  Get out your acoustic guitar RIGHT NOW.  Even the playing field Sweet Baby.  You don't need swoopy hair and a six-pack.  You can sing FIRE AND RAIN!!!  

The date included some street futbol penalty kick challenges. Only Sweet Baby made the kick.  Take that, jocks.  Missed penalty kicks in Argentina?  That sounds familiar.

In the evening the guys' hair looked extra swoopy.  Cool Hand Luke, one of the swoops, gives me the creeps.  Mrs. Wags seems convinced that he is a vampire.  I do not think I saw his face sparkle in the sun, but I can't be sure.  Yeah I read Twilight!  Team Edward, all the way. 

Sweet Baby did not take my advice on the acoustic guitar, rather he decided to talk smack about QB4.  Sweet Baby said QB4 has a "stud arm" and "appears in magazines."  Um, Sweet Baby, that's Jordan Rodgers, not Aaron Rodgers.  They are different people.  

I asked Mrs. Wags if it seems like too many of these guys are wearing leather jackets.  I was glad I asked because Mrs. Wags broke out in song:  

JoJo told QB4 that Sweet Baby thinks he is entitled.  Fight fight fight fight!

Cool Hand Luke stayed above the fray and got the date rose.

2-on-1 Date: Harry Potter Derek and Chase Needs a Nickname

Chase Needs a Nickname started off the date by saying that he is keeping his cards "close to his chest."  Close, but no cigarette.

The date activity was three-person tango dancing.  The dance class became a battle of passion and intense stares; hair gel and intentional stubble.  

Mrs. Wags, in an attempt to help us with Chase's nickname, suggests "Chasey and JoJo."  She then quickly and confidently followed up with, "you're welcome."  

I think I just got a slight eye-whiff of a receding hairline on Harry Potter Derek.  While he now becomes my favorite contestant, it means he's probably headed home soon.  

JoJo thought Chase Needs a Nickname needs to express how he feels.  Chase responded by saying he "came to the show for a reason, and the reason is you."  Mrs. Wags, still on fire from her West Side Story reference, points out that Chase quoted Hoobastank.  Yes, Hoobastank.  You remember these guys, you just didn't remember that they were called Hoobastank.

As predicted, Chase Needs a Nickname got the date rose and a slow dance to Don't Cry for Me Argentina (obviously).  Harry Potter cried all the way home in the minivan (obviously).  

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Highlights:

- The guys' hair height.

- Mrs. Wags declaring that JoJo's future husband may not be in the room.

- Sweet Baby continuing to ask for kiss-permission.

- Therapy sessions with Harrison.

Lowlights:

- Marine Devito's height.

- QB4's tight suit pants.

- Holding wine glasses on the bowl rather than the stem.

- Giving everyone a rose.

Joining Chase Needs a Nickname and Cool Hand Luke with roses was:

Robby

QB4

Marine Devito

Sweet Baby

JoJo did not send anyone home.  Boo.  

Until next week, when there is hopefully more analysis of margherita pizza...

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Adios Turd, Hello Uruguay

Oh, hey Turd.

First, I apologize for the delay in blogging this week. Especially since we ended last week on a cliffhanger with the Turd stalking the woods of Pennsylvania after being beat out by Marine DeVito on the two-on-one. The men in the house confront Turd one final time. Guess what? He has not miraculously matured into a rational adult. The Turd is forced out.

Cue All 4 Wells: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpkU4xKkp44

Pennsylvania Rose Ceremony

Let’s get to the highlights and the exits.

• Jim Gym pulls some poetry in a late round bid for a knockout.
• Damn Daniel not happy with Cool Hand Luke’s interruption when CHL already had a rose.
• All 4 Wells lamented the loss of the common enemy, Turd.
• ED Evan talked about how the guys have become mini-Chads. This sounds terrible.

• Cool Hand Luke, Marine DeVito, and QB4 have roses.
• Who’s joining them in South America?
• Harry Potter Derek
• Swimmer Robby
• Chase
• All 4 Wells
• Firefighter Grant
• Vinny Barbarino
• Sweet Baby James
• ED Evan

Goodbye Damn Daniel and Jim Gym. That poetry must have sucked. Damn Daniel at least gave a solid quote on the way out: “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face”. WHAT?

Uruguay

QB4 gains the first one-on-one rose much to the other guys’ chagrin. All 4 Wells and others are starting to question QB4s motivation. Is he here for the right reasons? Where is Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey when you need him? JoJo confronts QB4 about an ex and claims that QB4 was not a good bf. QB4 said he did not cheat but “was in an environment where I enjoyed talking to other girls.”

Meanwhile, back at la casa, the guys are reading gossip magazine articles about JoJo’s ex – ironically named Chad. As the guys whip themselves into a frothy mess, it becomes very easy to understand why all these “great guys” are still single. Fleiss & Co. explain the situations to JoJo she nears a breakdown. To be honest, this seems like a fairly awful period in her life and the guys do a nice job supporting her when she opens up to them.

Sand Surfing with Cool Hand Luke, Harry Potter, Chase, ED Evan, Sweet Baby James, Barbarino, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, and Marine DeVito

• Some good wipeouts are interrupted by Harry Potter’s insecurity.
• Sweet Baby James keeps asking for kisses. It’s pathetic.
• Marine DeVito is ready to take on Harry Potter as the next Turd.
• Derek gets the reassurance rose from JoJo.
• Marine DeVito calls him “an insecure little bitch.” Lovely. Marine DeVito is the guy who spends the whole season talking about other guys.

Swimmer Robby and the non-spontaneous spontaneous date.

JoJo lauds Robby’s spontaneity as he was willing to just jump off the cliff in the water. It was so lucky that they both had their swimsuits on. How fortuitous! Later that night, Swimmer Robby details the tragic loss of his friend and drops a LOVE BOMB.

JoJo’s response? “Thank you so much” Hahahahahah. #LoveThisShow

Uruguay Rose Ceremony

Who has roses? QB4, Robby, and Harry Potter. Joining them?

• Cool Hand Luke
• Chase
• Marine DeVito
• Sweet Baby James
• All 4 Wells

No flame for you Firefighter Grant. Not enough testosterone, ED Evan. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Barberino.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: JoJo and the Meats

Hello from sunny South Florida as Dugan brings you the night 1 recap of a 2-night Bachelor special. I really don’t know how “special” this episode was, but I’ll try my best to capture the highlights before Tim brings you tonight's dramatic conclusion.

We wake up after last week’s rose ceremony and the house is a disaster, littered with Turd’s meat plates and shame. Look, Fleiss & Co. like to set up the same roles every season and they outdid themselves this year on the dickhead role. Lines in the sand have been drawn with the entire house on one side and Turd on the other with an occasional pep talk from Damn Daniel.

We have three dates with two boring One-on-Ones and a Group Date with enough action to make up for the dud dates.

JoJo, Chase, Angergasms and a Band No One’s Heard

Chase doesn’t have a nickname which is never a good omen. Chase gets a one-on-one yoga date with JoJo. I expected a calmer experience but was greeted with tantrums and angergasms. Is this normal yoga behavior?

Honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about this boring date. Chase’s parents divorced and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. We hear a band no one knows and Chase earns the rose.  Moving forward, we are going out of order to bring you the second one-on-one simply to get it out of the way. 

Sweet Baby James and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Sweet Baby James and JoJo learn to jump, jive an’ wail while James drops a sneaky contender for QOTN: “I’m just hoping JoJo is looking for a normal guy.” Solid work, normal guy. He explains that he was awkward growing up and doesn’t have much confidence in his looks. It’s another boring date that also garners a rose. 

Group Sex Talk with QB4, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, Jim Gym, Brother Daddy, Aladdin Ali, Damn Daniel, Saint Nick, ED Evan, Marine DeVito, Barbarino, and Turd

Predictable but a true classic from Salt-N-Pepa. The men are invited to a local community theatre where they detail their most embarrassing sex stories. Damn Daniel gives Turd the worst advice imaginable: Get your courage up with alcohol. Probably not a good idea considering who he was talking to.

Some highlights

• Firefighter Grant lost his virginity in a park and was arrested.
• Saint Nick knows his ABCs.
• QB4 detailed the importance of fluffing.
• Damn Daniel has some some major issues beyond befriending Turd.

ED Evan tops the rest with ease. He takes on the Turd with a searing take on steroids clearly directed at Turd. Turd does not approve and rips his shirt while passing to get on stage. He then falls flat when he tries to kiss JoJo but she deftly offers a cheek instead. 

ED Evan's Performance

Turd's Performance

The evening cocktail party was brought to you by the T-birds with JoJo, Barbarino, ED Evan, Firefighter Grant, and Ali all sporting leather jackets. 

Mostly this night becomes the ED Evan v. Turd show. Turd does drop some inside info saying ED Evan has 3 kids. This has not come out from EDE yet? We need more Evan backstory. Pastor turned ED specialist with three kids who may be on the wrong show...if you catch my drift. Regardless, Evan gets the rose and Turd is confused. To be fair, that’s likely a common feeling for Turd.

Chad's incredulity brought what would normally be the Dugan QOTN: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now…You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”

Back at the House

Harry Potter is scared for his life since he sleeps next to Turd. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, but isn’t Harry Potter a wizard? He should be tougher. A Security Guard patrols the property in a high-letter yellow safety vest (WHY???) to protect the guys from Turd.

Damn Daniel decides it’s time to sit down with Turd.

DD: “Let’s just pretend your Hitler”

T:     “Let’s not say that”

DD:  “Let’s just pretend”

T:      “No”

DD: “Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini. Take it down a notch. Say your like Donald Trump…it doesn’t look good if I’m friends with you.”

I LOVE THIS SEASON. ED Evan turns to Chris Harrison to save him. Chris agrees to talk with Turd. Until tomorrow when we find out whether Chris’ efforts pay off. 

Save us, Chris.

Hint: they wont.

The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...

We're so glad you could attend...

Come inside! Come inside!...

Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

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The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.

You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....