The Bachelorette: JoJo Trump's Search for a Running Mate

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Alas, we are back and Bachelor/ette blogging again. As usual, we try to separate ourselves from the other fodder available on the interwebs, For example, what other recaps began with Emerson, Lake & Palmer lyrics? None? I didn't think so. The first episode is always a harried event for the Bachelor/ette as they are dragged from one contestant to another while trying to become comfortable with their new role as the star of the show. JoJo is going to be a fantastic Bachelorette and surely will provide a season a little edgier than Gentle Ben's previous season.

Without further adieu, let's meet the men vying for JoJo before sharing the highlights of the premier episode.

Alex, aka Marine DeVito, 25 (5’7”) is a Marine from Oceanside, CA

Ali, aka Aladdin, 27 (5’8”) is a Bartender from Santa Monica, CA

Brandon, aka Hipster, 28 (6’4”) is, coincidentally, a Hipster from California. Note – being a Hipster is not a job.

Chad, aka Tulsa Realty Developer or TURD, 28 (6’2”) is in the luxury real estate market of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Note for those following at home: the median sales price for homes in Tulsa for Feb 19 to May 18 was $102,000 based on 9 home sales.

Chase, 27 (6’3”) is a Medical Sales Rep, from Highlands Ranch Co. Bio Note. Loves Ace Ventura. Great taste, Chase.

Christian, aka Brother Daddy, 26 (5’11”) is a Telecom Consultant from LA.

Coley, 27 (6’2”), is a Real Estate Consultant from Chicago.

Derek, aka Harry Potter, 29 (6’3”), is a Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale.

Daniel, aka Damn Daniel, 31 (6’1”) is a Canadian from Vancouver. Note One: being Canadian is not a job. Bio Note Two Tattoos: No — “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”

Evan, aka ED Evan, 33 (5’11”) is a former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – Wait? Is that a career move we want people to make? - from Nashville. Bio Note that makes no sense: “Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.”

Grant, aka Firefighter Grant, 29 (6’2”), is a firefighter from San Francisco.

Jake, 27 (6’1”) is a Landscape Architect from Cally.

James F., aka Jim-Gym, 34 (6’2”) is a Boxing Club Owner from Nashville.

James S., aka Superfan, 27 (6’1”), is a Bachelor Superfan. Note One. That’s not a career. Bio Note Two: What’s the closet you have every come to being married? It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Seven years? How much of that were they long distance? I need to know more about this relationship.

James Taylor, aka Sweet Baby James, 29 (6’3”) is a singer songwriter from Katy, TX.

Jonathan, aka Jackie Chan, 29 (6’1”) is a Tech Sales Rep from Vancouver.

Jordan, aka QB4, 27 (6’2”), is a former NFL QB and that is being very generous. Jordan discusses his NFL Career with three teams. Let’s mosey on over to Wikipedia: “He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars as an undrafted free agent after the 2013 NFL Draft.^[5] He was released on July 22, 2013.^[6] The Tampa Bay Buccaneers signed Rodgers to the team's practice squad on October 7, 2013 after releasing quarterback Josh Freeman. He remained on the practice squad for the remainder of the season as Mike Glennon became the starter and Dan Orlovsky the backup.^[7] Jordan was cut by the Buccaneers on February 10, 2014. On April 3, 2014, Rodgers was signed by the Miami Dolphins. Jordan was cut by the Dolphins on May 12, 2014.”

Luke, aka Cool Hand Luke, 31 (6’1”) is a War Veteran from Burnet, Texas.

Nick B., aka Santa, 33 (6’1”) is an Electrical Engineer from the North Pole. Bio Note. “What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.” Huh?

Nick S., 26 (6’1”) is a Software Sales Rep from San Fran. Bio Note: What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses. Oh?

Peter, 26 (5’11”) is a Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago.

Robby, 27 (6’1”) is a Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, Fl. Bio Note. Is that a job?

Sal, 28 (6’2”) is an Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, Fl.

Vinny, aka Barbarino, 28 (6’) is a Barber from Delray, Fl. Bio Note: Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat. I need more context.

Wells, aka All 4 Wells, 31 (6’) is a Radio DJ from Nashville.

Will, aka Jersey Will, 26 (6’2.5”) is a Civil Engineer, from Jersey City, NJ. Note One. Jersey City is the homebase of the Maternal Dugan family. Bio Note Two. He is the only guy to use a half inch. 6’2” is tall enough that the .5 inch seems very awkward upon which to insist. Bio Note Three – especially for the Hildbolds. Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Name Concerns Unfounded

As our readers know, Tim and I keep getting older but the contestants on the Bachelor/ette stay the same age. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! 

We are the Wooderson of Bachelor Bloggers

Nevertheless, I had a point to make. Are these guys millennials? I was worried about the guys actual names expecting the Deemers, Hamptons, Coltons of the world? There are people in this world that name their kids as such. See link. I was surprised to see the relative normalcy of the names. Hat tip to Chase, Coley and Wells…but most are respectable names. Professions? That’s another story.

JoJo's Backstory 

JoJo explains the days and weeks following the breakup with Ben were difficult. I’m guessing days is more accurate. Former Bachelorettes Dez, Caitlyn and Ally show up to lend advice. The most interesting parts of the show are when honesty creeps into this scripted mess. Ally was honest and admitted she fell for Roberto's looks and didn't concentrate on much else. The girls warned JoJo to look for love and not lust.

Pre-Limo Intro and Pun Time

Dugan is a sucker for puns and Fleiss & Co. never disappoint. The cheesier the better. Firefighter Grant is shown with the ubiquitous Coit Tower shot explaining "I’m hoping that JoJo’s the one that lights my fire.”

QB4 is ready to make love a priority and "I’m hoping I’m gonna be JoJo’s #1 draft pick." 

ED Evan helps guys get their member moving but he's going to be just fine because "I've got my mojo for JoJo." 

That was a pun time.

First Night Highlights

• Marine DeVito lives up to his Napoleon roots and grabs her first for some one-on-one time and push-ups.
• Harry Potter explains how he used to look like...you guessed it, Harry Potter.
• Mrs. Dugan calls QB4 as the next Bachelor.
• QB4's use of "retire" is similar to his use of "career." Generous.
• Jersey Will uses an origami fortune teller to gain an awkward kiss but I am saving Jersey Will as a dark horse pick to go far, 
• A personal favorite of my episode was Santa nonchalantly talking to Aladdin. What doesn't this show bring its viewers?
• Turd is the bad guy. We get it.
• Damn Daniel poked ED Evan in the belly button. Why?
• Nick and Barbarino drank too much and interrupted JoJo giving interviews to producers.
• Everyone is getting drunk and leading to great interactions: "Cheers to you Bro” “Cheers to Rock n Roll”

First Impression and the Rose Ceremony

QB4 avoids the pressure and escapes with the first rose of the night. Joining him in week two...

Cool Hand Luke

All 4 Wells

Sweet Baby James

Firefighter Grant

Harry Potter

Brother Daddy 

Turd

Chase

Marine DeVito

Robby

Hipster 

Jim-Gym

Aladdin

Santa

Barbarino

Jersey Will 

Superfan 

ED Evan

Damn Daniel

Goodbye Jackie Chan, Coley, Peter, Jake, Nick S., and Sal.

As before, the usual caveats apply. The nicknames are not set in stone and I welcome suggested revisions. 

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