The Bachelorette Episode 5: Adios Turd, Hello Uruguay

Oh, hey Turd.

First, I apologize for the delay in blogging this week. Especially since we ended last week on a cliffhanger with the Turd stalking the woods of Pennsylvania after being beat out by Marine DeVito on the two-on-one. The men in the house confront Turd one final time. Guess what? He has not miraculously matured into a rational adult. The Turd is forced out.

Cue All 4 Wells: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpkU4xKkp44

Pennsylvania Rose Ceremony

Let’s get to the highlights and the exits.

• Jim Gym pulls some poetry in a late round bid for a knockout.
• Damn Daniel not happy with Cool Hand Luke’s interruption when CHL already had a rose.
• All 4 Wells lamented the loss of the common enemy, Turd.
• ED Evan talked about how the guys have become mini-Chads. This sounds terrible.

• Cool Hand Luke, Marine DeVito, and QB4 have roses.
• Who’s joining them in South America?
• Harry Potter Derek
• Swimmer Robby
• Chase
• All 4 Wells
• Firefighter Grant
• Vinny Barbarino
• Sweet Baby James
• ED Evan

Goodbye Damn Daniel and Jim Gym. That poetry must have sucked. Damn Daniel at least gave a solid quote on the way out: “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face”. WHAT?

Uruguay

QB4 gains the first one-on-one rose much to the other guys’ chagrin. All 4 Wells and others are starting to question QB4s motivation. Is he here for the right reasons? Where is Guard and Protect Your Heart Casey when you need him? JoJo confronts QB4 about an ex and claims that QB4 was not a good bf. QB4 said he did not cheat but “was in an environment where I enjoyed talking to other girls.”

Meanwhile, back at la casa, the guys are reading gossip magazine articles about JoJo’s ex – ironically named Chad. As the guys whip themselves into a frothy mess, it becomes very easy to understand why all these “great guys” are still single. Fleiss & Co. explain the situations to JoJo she nears a breakdown. To be honest, this seems like a fairly awful period in her life and the guys do a nice job supporting her when she opens up to them.

Sand Surfing with Cool Hand Luke, Harry Potter, Chase, ED Evan, Sweet Baby James, Barbarino, Firefighter Grant, All 4 Wells, and Marine DeVito

• Some good wipeouts are interrupted by Harry Potter’s insecurity.
• Sweet Baby James keeps asking for kisses. It’s pathetic.
• Marine DeVito is ready to take on Harry Potter as the next Turd.
• Derek gets the reassurance rose from JoJo.
• Marine DeVito calls him “an insecure little bitch.” Lovely. Marine DeVito is the guy who spends the whole season talking about other guys.

Swimmer Robby and the non-spontaneous spontaneous date.

JoJo lauds Robby’s spontaneity as he was willing to just jump off the cliff in the water. It was so lucky that they both had their swimsuits on. How fortuitous! Later that night, Swimmer Robby details the tragic loss of his friend and drops a LOVE BOMB.

JoJo’s response? “Thank you so much” Hahahahahah. #LoveThisShow

Uruguay Rose Ceremony

Who has roses? QB4, Robby, and Harry Potter. Joining them?

• Cool Hand Luke
• Chase
• Marine DeVito
• Sweet Baby James
• All 4 Wells

No flame for you Firefighter Grant. Not enough testosterone, ED Evan. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Barberino.