The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 4

A Hike, Skate and Pretty Woman Date

Sean enters the episode with only 13 women left. Chris tells the woman that Sean is confident that his wife is in the room. You know what else? This is the first season where Chris is single and hosting the show. Are there as many contestants hoping for a relationship with Chris as with Sean? 

Hayak's Hike

Selma gets a one-on-one and Sean wants to test her ability to put up with a physically demanding date at Joshua Tree National Park. Side note. Selma is a real estate developer? Due to my actual job, I know a lot of real estate developers. NONE look like Selma. Let's google image search for "real estate developer."

These guys are real estate developers.

Same here.

And then we have Selma the Real Estate Developer?

In the Limo, Selma throws out that she weighs 110 pounds. I haven’t known most girls to just give up that kind of info. In the private jet, Selma asks, “Is every date going to be like this from now on?” Ummm, unless you stay on a reality dating show for the rest of your life or manage to marry Tim or I, NO!!!

Other date details bullet point style.

• She’s Iraqi and does not do well in the heat. Good thing she left. 
• Sean picked her up and put her in the jeep. Seemed like a Pavelka move...foreshadowing
• Another cliffhanger inspired date allows me to post my favorite photoshop in WWT history

Pavelka!

Jake & Selma continue their date in an Airstream graveyard where Selma drops some big info:

• Born in Baghdad. 
• Muslim. 
• Despite playing the non-kissing game, Selma gets the rose. If this continues much longer, Selma might become Burka in the blog.

Roller Derby Group Date

The General’s Daughter (Lindsey), Robyn, Jackie, Lennay, Fit Model Amanda, AshLee, Righty, and Tierrable (Thank you for the nickname, Abramoff!) begin prepping for a Roller Derby. This date quickly devolves.

• AshLee is scared.
• Tierrable is excited to take her aggression out on the other girls
• Amanda lied about her roller derby skills to intimidate the other girls. Is that a believable lie?
• All the girls are falling. Robyn looks like she’s on ice skates which probably wouldn't be much better.
• Righty's in tears. Sean is explaining to Righty that she will have a "huge sense of accomplishment" if she competes. WHAT? Why?
• Amanda goes down. And everyone's initial reaction is to call 911!?! I want to do a new blog about how reality television shows are contributing to skyrocketing healthcare costs in this country. I have a 34 and 16 month old. If I called 911 every time they fell, they would be my most frequent called number. I would put 911 in my Fav 5.
• Sean shuts down the disaster group date and allows a Free Skate
• Right calls it "one of the most difficult days of my life” WHAT WHAT WHAT? 

After Party

• Tierrable wants a rose and is willing to throw a temper tantrum to get it. I have experience (see above).
• Amanda rises from the dead.
• Tierrable/Robyn are ready to go at it.
• General's Daughter gets her hot tub time cut off by Tierrable who gets the tantrum rose

Pretty? Woman 

Mrs. Dugan is not a big fan of Leslie H. who gets diamond earrings before the date. I kind of want to keep Leslie H. because I don't know when we'll get another poker dealer on the show. It's bullet point review time:

• Rodeo Drive shopping spree at Badgley Mischka. While this means nothing to me, a quick wiki search says that the Olsen twins were former spokespersons. I don't know why that humors me.
• She calls herself a "Tan Julia Roberts"
• Sean's in a tux? 
• One more thing…….. NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!
• 120 carat necklace? Cool ice. Not as cool as Neil Lane.
• No Spark = No Rose. Yes tears.
• Sean leans over the balcony and rose petals drop in slow motion. Most WWT readers can easily spot a "Mesnick," but the true loyalists know a "Flajnik" which is a Mesnick without tears.

Rose Ceremony

• AshLee and Tim's prediction are looking strong.
• Robyn really likes him and I foresee a crushing exit.
• Tierrable could be the most apropos nickname in blog history.
• This Lennay seems legit.
• 12 woman left.
• Tierrable and Burka have roses.
• 9 roses to go.
• One lady joining the other Leslie.
• Who else is safe?
• Lennay.
• Say Yes to the Des
• The Generals Daughter
• Leslie Abramoff

• Robyn
• AshLee
• Righty
• Jackie
• Daniella

Fit Model Amanda takes it on the chin and next week will bring back to back episodes...and blogs.