The Bachelorette Episode 5: Parlez-vous Français?

This week, we open up the passports and land in Marseilles, France. We get a two one-on-ones and a group date and Josh Griffey Jr. is batting lead off.

Before the dates begin, our beloved host Harrison sits down with Andy to discuss her proficiency in french (Il parle mal le français). Harrison grills Andy whether she is falling in love and the possibility she is falling in love with more guys. Hey hey, we are in France, oui? C'est la vie.

Andy and Josh Griffey Jr. Set Sail

Could two people be more out of place in the South of France? I feel like they belong at a Hooters grand opening together, not a yacht in the Mediterranean. Josh brings up that he was a 2nd round pick. How often do you think Josh brings this up? Considering he's 29 and this happened when he was 17...we are 12 years removed from the height of his athletic prowess. Now, if I am Josh, I am bragging about the draft and not my career .213 batting average with the Ogden Raptors, Beloit Snappers, West Virginia Power, Brevard County Manatees, or Charlotte County Redfish.

It was not his poor average, fielding, slugging or general overall play that kept him from the majors...or even his failure to make Double A ball, it was Josh's desire to be with and have a family.  I'll buy that because he did join brother and All Time Sec Passer Aaron Murray at UGA after baseball flamed out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (do you know how to say "ranch" in french? ranch.), Hans and Dockers try to stir up shit by telling Famous Amos that Frat Bro 1 commented about Andy keeping the black guys. This turns out to be a relatively minor incident as Frat Bro 1 denies it and Famous Amos takes him at his word. However...Famous Amos gives us hints of a Mesnick and Flajnik. We know the Mesnick is the hunched over the balcony with tears and the Flajnic is a Mesnick without tears. Famos Amos pulled a Flajnik at the balcony but later looked like tears turned it into a Mesflaj. A what?

The best part was Frat Bro 1's denial included some rap references:
"With so much drama in the A-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Frat Bro O-N-E"

Griffey Date Highlights

• They go to Palais Longchamp where they make purses
• Josh Griffey got cheated on by having a girlfriend kiss another guy. 
• That’s enough for Andy. She let's her guard down now and gives up the rose. Be careful, Andy. Coach Mark Jackson will warn you: Hand down = Man down.
• Josh Griffey is securely in the pole position and front-runner to take the Final Rose

Sublime Mime Rhyme Time by the Seine

Ok, except for that first and last part. We get a group date of miming with Gosling, Les Dylan, John Deere, Famous Amos, Albino Rhino, Dockers, Hans, Frat Bro 2 and Frat Bro 1. I really like how the Frat Bros stick together.

Let's give a run down of the events

• Guys were not thrilled nor good.
• The Albino Rhino raps. God, please let the Albino Rhino stay on this show forever. I want this to be "Choose Your Own Adventure" Bachelorette and I choose the Albino Rhino has to mime the rest of the season.
• They were so bad they made babies cry.
• Hans really not enjoying the mime date

• Albino Rhino and Hans square off about Hans teasing him for being too "thankful"
• NEWSFLASH - this qualifies as reality show drama.

We have three leaders in the clubhouse and all the other guys could go home.

1. Hans with the Mental/Emotional connection
2. Josh Griffey Jr  with the Physical connection
3. Gosling to stay on the show long enough to cement next Bachelor

Andy asks whether Hans is a little manipulative? YES!!!! Watch Frozen now!!! Run away from Hans. He's trying to kill your sister and steal the kingdom of Arendelle. Dockers gets the group date rose.

Coach is Not a Chef

Coach has one of the worst dates that ended up with a rose in the history of the Bachelor/ette. It began nice with a movie and some market shopping. That went well. Then, they decided to cook a meal together.

Save time. Don't watch the cooking scene. This clip does it justice.



Although if you don't watch, you'll miss the quote of the night:

Andi: “How do you like your broccoli?”
Coach: “Different ways”

It got weird.



Brian on the basketball court >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brian in the kitchen. Luckily for Coach, there are simply worse men than him left on the show and he secures the rose. Along with a big 'ol green light for future kissing. Andi ended the cooking massacre and brought him out to dinner. This is what they discussed:



It's Rose Ceremony Time and Let's Cut the Chit Chat

No cocktails. 3 cuts. Let’s get to business. Josh Griffey safe. Dockers safe. Coach safe.

Who else is getting a rose?

Gosling.
Hans.
John Deere.
Les Dylan.
Albino Rhino!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Frat Bro 1 and 2 and Famous Amos

So glad they got to stick together the entire season.

Off to Venice next week with Tim as your tour guide to love.

The Bachelor: Hoosier Daddy Premiere

After the last two Bachelor seasons with Juan Pablo and the Faux Hawk Farmer, we have returned to a classic Bachelor leading man with Ben Higgins from Warsaw, Indiana. I think the ladies were genuinely interested in gentle Ben. As many of our readers will understand, Ben is a Higgins from the Hoosier state and starts with house money from the WWT writers.

I asked Mrs. Dugan where in Indiana it was located and she gave me the same response she has been giving since 2001: South. Very helpful. We both vaguely remembered it, however. Aha! Its on the way between picturesque South Bend and a true gem, Muncie, Indiana.  Over the years, I have probably driven through Warsaw, Indiana no less than 10 times. I remember nothing.

Do you want to know how small Warsaw, Indiana is? The COUNTY its in has 77,000 people! Ok, you have the set up. He's a nice guy from a small town. He was the quarterback for the high school and played on the basketball team and graduated from State U.

Pep Talk

Bachelor Ben follows his McDonalds commercial debut with some Mustang driving to meet up with former Bachelor Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. Farmer Chris recommends kicking the tires on the contestants while Sean and Jason recommend taking it slow. Ben congratulated Mesnick for keeping it honest to the end. Ummmmm, he switched girls after the final rose?

***Blogging Note: Triple OT in #1 v #2 has not helped me stay focused!***

One of my favorite aspects of the premiere was host Chris Harrison's decision to go retro Regis from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with the dark tie, shirt, suit combo. 

Looking good, Chris

Let's Meet the Women Alphabetically

*tattoo count in parenthesis

• Amanda, 25 (0), an Esthetician (fancy way of saying hairdresser?) from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 
• Bio Note: Divorced with two kids
• Amber, 30 (0), a Bartender from Chicago, IL
• Bio Note: Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise veteran. Does anyone else in the world list The Lion King and Reservoir Dogs as all-time favorite movies?
• Becca, 26 (2), a Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego, CA
• Bio Note: Bachelor veteran. Formerly a virgin. Still?
• Breanne, 30 (0), a Nutritional Therapist (works at GNC?) from Seattle, WA
• Caila, 24 (1), a Software Sales Rep from Hudson, Oh.      
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: U2 (reminds me of my Dad). Holy shit I am getting too old to blog this shit.
• Emily, 22 (0) and Haley (0) are twins from Las Vegas, NV
• Bio Note: Listed occupation as twins. That’s not an occupation.
• Isabel "Izzy," 24 (0), a Graphic Designer from Branford, CT
• Bio Note: What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
• Jackie, 23 (0), a Gerontologist from San Francisco, CA
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Country and Rap. This is an acceptable favorite music now? WTF?
• Jami, 23 (3), a Bartender from St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
• Bio Note: How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
• Jennifer, 25 (0), a Small Business Owner from Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Bio Note: Flager College alum, Go Saints!
• Jessica, 23 (1), an Accountant from Boca Raton, FL
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive. This shit again?
• Joelle "JoJo", 24 (0), a Real Estate Developer from Dallas, TX
• Bio Note: Special talent: I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there.
• Jubilee, 24 (?), is a War Veteran from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
• Bio Note: I thank Jubilee for her service, but does War Veteran mean she is now unemployed? She’ll always be a veteran. What does she do now?
• Lace, 25 (2), is a Real Estate Agent from Denver, CO
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Rap, R&B and Country.When will this madness end?
• Laura, 24 (0), is an Account Executive from Louisville, KY
• Bio Note: Allergic to rice?
• Lauren "LB," 23 (1), is a Fashion Buyer from Stillwater, OK
• Bio Note: Wants to be LC.
• Lauren B., 25 (1), a Flight Attendant from Marina Del Rey, CA
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Hip hop/Dance/R&B/Country. Ugh!
• Lauren H., 25 (0), is a Kindergarten Teacher from Hell on Earth.
• Bio Note. Favorite Music: Popular/hit list stuff. Also stuff from growing up. 90s stuff. I’M SO OLD.
• Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. No, FML.
• Lauren R., 26 (0), is a Math Teacher from Houston, TX
• Bio Note: Nothing.
• Leah, 25 (2 in process of being removed), an Event Planner from Denver, CO
• Bio Note: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.
• Maegan, 30 (0), is a Cowgirl from Weatherford, TX
• Bio Note: Favorite Music. Red Dirt Country. WHAT?
• Mandi, 28 (0), a Dentist from Portland, OR
• Bio Note: What would an ex say are your worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much. Bring it on.
• Olivia, 23 (0), is a News Anchor from Austin, TX
• Bio Note: Wants to be the Bachelorette.
• Rachel, 23 (0), is unemployed from Little Rock, AR
• Bio Note. Got nothing but I appreciate the honesty on the occupation.
• Samantha, 26 (1), is an Attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL
• Bio Note: What is your greatest achievement to date? Graduating Law School in the top 20% of my class. Yeah, but what law school?
• Shushanna, 27 (0), is a Mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah
• Bio Note: Favorite Music: Russian. I like where this is going.
• All-Time Favorite Movies: Fast & Furious. Check that. I love where this is going.
• Tiara, 26 (0) is a Chicken Enthusiast from Redmond, WA
• Bio Note: That’s not a job. Putting “enthusiast” before something does not make it a career.

 It's Limo Time

Readers, don't worry. I know what you are thinking. You want to meet the contestants and get our first go at this season's nicknames. As always, the nicknames are fluid at this point and open to interpretation and change. Fleiss & Co. gave very few vignettes of the ladies in their hometown and gets right to limo action. 

Limo 1

• Lauren B, the flight attendance, gives Ben some wings and is "ready to take off on this journey.” You'll always win me over with puns, ABC writers.
• Caila pulls off the patented run and jump
• Jennifer, the small business owner from Dugan's home of Fort Laudy basically forgot her name
• Jami is Canadian, knows Kaitlyn, and makes a bad, crude joke. New Kaitlyn!
• Lawyer Sam passed the bar
• GI Jubilee offers a weak pick-up line.
• Divorcee Amanda is bringing the heat.
• Lace, aka Superfecta, steals the first kiss. 
• Lauren R. admits to social media stalking Ben
• Shushanna, aka the Russian or Ivan Drago?, only speaks in Russian.
• Leah, Hut Hut Higgy also has a little Erica Rose in her, plays some football with Ben.
• JoJo, aka Trump, is a unicorn real estate developer turned presidential candidate.
• Lauren Harbaugh is an Ann Arbor Kindergarten Teacher
• Laura wants to be called Red Velvet but Mrs. Dugan says "Broke ass Emma Stone" is more appropriate.
• Mandi, aka Portlandia, is a weird dentist with a red rose hat.
• Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the twins and I'm going to have trouble differentiating, 
• Maegan brings a miniature horse and likely did not bring another outfit as she had no chance.

Meanwhile, in the mansion, Canadian Jami is breaking down the crazy..."We got twins, a horse, a girl with a rose hat, a Russian…"

Lace responds: "I’m just here to judge people. I don’t think there’s one girl in here that’s competition. I’m way prettier than all of them.” Ok, We have the mean girl!

The women keep coming!

• Breanne declares Gluten "satan" and breaks bread. 
• Izzy wore pajamas and approached Ben, "I had to find out if you were the ‘onesie’ for me". Boom. 
• Rachel, the honest, unemployed one arrives on a hover board. Can we just call her Millennial since that is what I think of all of them? 
• Jessica, the Boca accountant arrives and does nothing memorable. Sounds like a Boca accountant to me. 
• Tiara, aka Chicken Little, arrives without her furry friends. 
• Lauren, aka LC or Boomer Sooner 
• Jackie shows up and Mrs. Dugan believes this may actually be her first date and she gave a wedding invitation for their future wedding.
• Olivia the News Anchor arrives and Ben turns as stupid as men turn in front of an attractive woman. He asks if her dimples "are natural?" No, Ben, she got fake dimples. 

The women are all accounted for...or are they! Calls his dad and enters the house. Mrs. Dugan wants to know if Ben did this at frat parties while in Bloomington. 

Ben: "Dad, there are so many beautiful women at this party tonight. I think tonight's the night."

Dad: "Good luck, son."

No. This never happened. Ever.

It's getting late and this blog post is too long already. Let's get to the remaining highlights:

• Portlandia interrupts his opening speech 
• News Anchor Olivia tells Ben she left her job to be on the show. 
• The first impression rose enters the party and shit gets real.

• Caila and Ben swap software sales war stories. 
• Things 1 and 2 explain that twins are a "fantasy that everyone has.” Ummm, no. 
• Trump first called herself a real estate developer. Now she calls herself a house flipper? What’s next? Tax deed sale expert? 
• New Limo arrives with former contestants Hugs Becca and Amber. 
• Lace not pleased about Becca being there, cementing her role as this season’s mean girl. Next, Lace gets drunk. She’s the mean and drunk one? Her first nickname was Perfecta. 
• Lace is interrupted with Ben by Portlandia and we get tears. A Trifecta! 
• What other Bachelor Blog uses pari-mutuel betting terms as nicknames? I’m guessing none.
• Lace tells us what she wants to do to Portlandia: “Punch her in the face. Seriously.” That escalated quickly. 
• Ben wants to walk Trifecta off the ledge and she’s mumbling. 
• Lace’s mumbles eventually require subtitles and she complains that Ben isn’t looking her in the eye. That's it, a SUPERFECTA. Mean. Drunk. Crying. Subtitles. A true champion.
• The first impression rose is out and goes to the News Anchor!

Winner!

Rose Ceremony Time

Lauren B. Mrs. Dugan points out that he likes her because she looks like every girl he went to high school with.

LC

Software Caila

Amber

Canadian Jam

Ft. Laudy Jennifer

GI Jubilee

Mom Amanda

Trump

New Erica Rose (Leah, or Hut Hut Higgie?)

Rachel

Lawyer Sam

Save the Date Jackie

Thing 1

Thing 2

The Russian

Lauren Harbaugh

Virgin Becca

Portlandia

Superfecta (Mean girl, Drunk girl, Crying girl, Subtitle girl)

Goodbye Broke Ass Emma Stone. Breanne found out he likes gluten, Chicken Little, Boca Accountant and Onesie.

Until next week when Tim returns and laments the fact that twins have made their first appearance this season. 

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben Vintage VI

Guess who's back, back again?
Dugan's back, tell a friend.

Before beginning my first review of the season, I have to give a heartfelt thanks to WWT's founding father Tim and his dominating Tim Lincecum style performance on the season. All without bullpen help.


Panama Past and Present


When I thought about Panama, two images popped into my mind: Manual Noriega and the Panama Canal.

After this week's episode, I'll add another image: Donald Trumps' Vagina Tower.

Thank you, Donald Trump. And Fleiss & Co.

Ben & Kacie's Deserted Island


Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one in Panama on a deserted island with Ben. (Sidebar - Dugan hasn't watched all the episodes and isn't on top of his game with this season's nicknames, etc. So when the date card is announced, I turn to Mrs. Dugan to the reaction of one of the women upset with Kacie's second one-on-one and ask, "What does Tim call Horse Teeth?" Mrs Dugan responds, "Her real name is Blakeley...the VIP cocktail waitress?" These are wonderful discussions to have. I love this show). As for the date, how "deserted" is an island that comes with a helicopter and pilot?

While Dugan may not have his own winery, he has chopped a coconut with a machete and thrown a cast net. I also have serious doubts about that fish they caught with that "casting net." That net is not used to catch fish like the one it did. SHENANIGANS, Fleiss & Co. SHENANIGANS. We'll just call it fishy and leave it at that.

Kacie B. decides to share her dark secret that forced her to grow up fast. I won't pass judgment on Kacie B for her high school battles with eating disorders, but she better tread lightly when compared to witnessing your step father murder your mother (Ella), having your fiance die in a plane crash days before you find out you are pregnant with said dead fiance's baby (Emily), etc etc etc. Ben eats up the sob story and gives Kacie B another serving of rose.

The Bachelor: Running the Chagres


I take the title for the group date from relative and author Joe Kane's Running the Amazon. Buy, read and you won't regret. Emily, Nicki Top 3, Seabiscuit, Kasey S. House Bitch and Jamie's group date is also RN Jamie's introduction to the season. Beyond a blurb about adopting and raising her siblings (take notes, Kacie B), this is the first time we have met Jamie all season. There isn't much to say except that House Bitch enjoys attention - even from aboriginal tribes.

At the after party:

• Seabiscuit is fast out of the gate. 
• HB steals the attention of Ben away from Jaime when she rocks the white bikini. 
• Emily actually talks about herself and Ben instead of obsessing over HB. 
• But ladies, the race is over for this rose and Seabiscuit lapped the field.

Blakeley v. Bangs McGee: Save the Last Dance

Blakeley wore her second onesie of the season. A woman in my office told me that it's called a "romper" but I believe they are onesies. I have a lot of them in my house. They belong to the two people under 24 months of age. Blakeley brings it on the dance floor and is willing to go the extra mile to show Ben she's interested. She made a scrapbook to show things Ben loves.

Note things Ben loves:

1. San Francisco (proper)
2. San Francisco (Giants)
3. Southern Comfort
4. Scotch
5. Wine

Not necessarily in that order. Things that Ben doesn't like?

1. Blakeley

Ouch.

Goodbye Kacie S.

All we know so far is that Kacie S. is the only girl in the house willing to be friends with HB. Oh, and Harrison just informed us she has a boyfriend she still loves. This really didn't live up to the previews hype until Ben asks her to leave . . . goes back to his balcony . . . leans over . . . COULD IT BE??? A Mesnick? A FUCKING MESNICK?!?!?

No. So damn close. Only a Flajnik. That's a Mesnik - tears. Don't worry, fans, Kacie S. provides enough tears for a handful of Mesnicks during her minivan exit.

Rose Ceremony

We are getting to the end of the season. Kacie B., Seabiscuit and Bangs McGee have roses. 3 more for the 4 women. RN Jaime painfully throws herself at Ben with the following spoken strategy: "Brace Yourself."

It was painful for the viewer. Worse for Ben. Jaime packs her bags and Nicki Top Three, HB and Emily advance to next week and Belize.

The Bachelor: Likable Sean Episode 4

A Hike, Skate and Pretty Woman Date

Sean enters the episode with only 13 women left. Chris tells the woman that Sean is confident that his wife is in the room. You know what else? This is the first season where Chris is single and hosting the show. Are there as many contestants hoping for a relationship with Chris as with Sean? 

Hayak's Hike

Selma gets a one-on-one and Sean wants to test her ability to put up with a physically demanding date at Joshua Tree National Park. Side note. Selma is a real estate developer? Due to my actual job, I know a lot of real estate developers. NONE look like Selma. Let's google image search for "real estate developer."

These guys are real estate developers.

Same here.

And then we have Selma the Real Estate Developer?

In the Limo, Selma throws out that she weighs 110 pounds. I haven’t known most girls to just give up that kind of info. In the private jet, Selma asks, “Is every date going to be like this from now on?” Ummm, unless you stay on a reality dating show for the rest of your life or manage to marry Tim or I, NO!!!

Other date details bullet point style.

• She’s Iraqi and does not do well in the heat. Good thing she left. 
• Sean picked her up and put her in the jeep. Seemed like a Pavelka move...foreshadowing
• Another cliffhanger inspired date allows me to post my favorite photoshop in WWT history

Pavelka!

Jake & Selma continue their date in an Airstream graveyard where Selma drops some big info:

• Born in Baghdad. 
• Muslim. 
• Despite playing the non-kissing game, Selma gets the rose. If this continues much longer, Selma might become Burka in the blog.

Roller Derby Group Date

The General’s Daughter (Lindsey), Robyn, Jackie, Lennay, Fit Model Amanda, AshLee, Righty, and Tierrable (Thank you for the nickname, Abramoff!) begin prepping for a Roller Derby. This date quickly devolves.

• AshLee is scared.
• Tierrable is excited to take her aggression out on the other girls
• Amanda lied about her roller derby skills to intimidate the other girls. Is that a believable lie?
• All the girls are falling. Robyn looks like she’s on ice skates which probably wouldn't be much better.
• Righty's in tears. Sean is explaining to Righty that she will have a "huge sense of accomplishment" if she competes. WHAT? Why?
• Amanda goes down. And everyone's initial reaction is to call 911!?! I want to do a new blog about how reality television shows are contributing to skyrocketing healthcare costs in this country. I have a 34 and 16 month old. If I called 911 every time they fell, they would be my most frequent called number. I would put 911 in my Fav 5.
• Sean shuts down the disaster group date and allows a Free Skate
• Right calls it "one of the most difficult days of my life” WHAT WHAT WHAT? 

After Party

• Tierrable wants a rose and is willing to throw a temper tantrum to get it. I have experience (see above).
• Amanda rises from the dead.
• Tierrable/Robyn are ready to go at it.
• General's Daughter gets her hot tub time cut off by Tierrable who gets the tantrum rose

Pretty? Woman 

Mrs. Dugan is not a big fan of Leslie H. who gets diamond earrings before the date. I kind of want to keep Leslie H. because I don't know when we'll get another poker dealer on the show. It's bullet point review time:

• Rodeo Drive shopping spree at Badgley Mischka. While this means nothing to me, a quick wiki search says that the Olsen twins were former spokespersons. I don't know why that humors me.
• She calls herself a "Tan Julia Roberts"
• Sean's in a tux? 
• One more thing…….. NEIL FUCKING LANE!!!
• 120 carat necklace? Cool ice. Not as cool as Neil Lane.
• No Spark = No Rose. Yes tears.
• Sean leans over the balcony and rose petals drop in slow motion. Most WWT readers can easily spot a "Mesnick," but the true loyalists know a "Flajnik" which is a Mesnick without tears.

Rose Ceremony

• AshLee and Tim's prediction are looking strong.
• Robyn really likes him and I foresee a crushing exit.
• Tierrable could be the most apropos nickname in blog history.
• This Lennay seems legit.
• 12 woman left.
• Tierrable and Burka have roses.
• 9 roses to go.
• One lady joining the other Leslie.
• Who else is safe?
• Lennay.
• Say Yes to the Des
• The Generals Daughter
• Leslie Abramoff

• Robyn
• AshLee
• Righty
• Jackie
• Daniella

Fit Model Amanda takes it on the chin and next week will bring back to back episodes...and blogs.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (about CEMII)

Fans, Friends, Foes: The recapitulation will be short and sweet because there were no real revelations during the WTA. For those needing an excuse to skip the episode and save some space on their DVRs, here you go:

• Brad admitted to being "blindsided by beauty" with Michelle Money, aka, "she was hot so I can put up with a little more crazy."
• The "Bachelor Nation" is 500 strong and counting and I am pretty sure they play a game called 2 Degrees of Wes.
• Rozlyn still looks good and is in strong contention for Bachelor Pad II this summer.
• Gia explains what you cannot do to a girlfriend's former beau, but that "in the rule of skank, you can do that."
• CEM II got ganged up on by the other women and fake cried about the emotional strain of leaving lil' $ at home. I say fake cried because I believe she'll manage to leave lil' $ at home to go on Bachelor Pad II.
• Harrison, Lisa and the Dental Student had CEM II's back.
• The Nanny is still wearing silly bands.
• No Malibu Shark Attack Lindsey
• The Manscaper blames Bennigan's Waitress Melissa on her exit from the show. The Nanny and the Artist point out that getting into stupid drama in front of Brad was her own fault.
• The Dental Student was more likable than ever.
• Brad comes on at the end and says he is "more and more and more in love every day." So don't worry about the Mesnick Balcony scenes in next week's finale because Brad seems content.

There were some good moments, but it was mostly an uneventful Women Tell All. Dugan's favorite moment came during the CEM II crying scenes when they failed to edit out one of the girls saying "this is stupid."

I agree. Here are some crying pictures to end the WTA recap.

The Bachelor Episode 9: Fuck all of this.

This show loves hype. It loves to over-hype. Last night's episode was the exact opposite. I don't think they could have hyped this episode enough. They literally destroyed a man on television for America's entertainment. It helps that he's kind of a man-child doofus, but I also think it helps because they have been making women look awful for decades. It was time for payback. 

Lots of Virgin Talk

But about virginity

Before we get to the climax of the episode (see what I did there?), we have to discuss the rest of the boring details. Chris and Colton discuss Colton's willingness to lose his virginity during the fantasy suite dates. It's obvious he has thought about this waaaaay too much. It's also pretty obvious he is not going to kick the tires on all 3 ladies, but is singular in his mindset. We head off to Algarve, Portugal and Colton says the least surprising quote of the night: "I've never been to Europe."

Tay Tay and the Lighthouse

The date begins with a regular Bachelor/ette statement regarding Colton "planning the date" for the two of them. It has never been less believable than said by Colton. I assume Colton only has slip on shoes because laces confuse him. We do get the Bachelor obligatory helicopter date and hearken back to the greatest exit in bachelor history, the ice shelf dagger. They have numerous awkward discussions that touch on Colton's virginity including Portugal's exports of "virgin olive oil", his lack of flexibility "because he's a virgin". During dinner, he is focused primarily on Tay Tay's wardrobe malfunction. 

I am starting to think Colton's virginity may not be randon, surprising, or his choice. Despite spending the night in the fantasy suite, Colton and Tay Tay "didn’t have the physical intimacy [she] would have wanted…” Enough said, Tay Tay, enough said. Colton, if you are reading this blog, that means you didn't have sex.

Did Colton have sex yet?

Teacher Cassie's Fireworks

As this date began, they sped around Portugal countryside in a vintage Mercedes, fed each other in a market, danced in the street and bought matching Pajamas. My bachelor notes literally read as follows: How many times can you blog the word “Ugh!”

The day was going Bachelor/ette perfectly until Cassie's dad was brought up. Point of order! Did you notice that Colton didn't ask the fathers for their blessing but for their permission? More fodder for the "Colton is a big 12 year old" argument. Don't worry, Papa Cass (which incidentally may be my favorite nickname ever) shows up in Portugal to relieve Cassie of her sadness and give his blessing end Colton's life. Papa Cass asks whether she loves Colton: “I think I do.” This was literally the least believable moment on screen since Juliette Lewis apologized to Luke Wilson for the gang bang in Old School.

We, the viewer, knows what's going to happen. We know Cassie is going to deliver the death blow. At the same time, the producers are showing Colton's anticipation level rising. He thinks he's about to lose his virginity and he is getting dumped instead. We cannot look away from the trainwreck happening before us.

When they get together, Cassie is trying to tip toe around the obvious when it finally hits Colton: “Are you planning on leaving tonight…”

I've been dumped. It happens. It sucks. Listen to Chuck and Josh explain the Science of Break-Ups if you want more details on the subject. But the Bachelor/ette is not supposed to get dumped this late in the season. In fact, two Bachelors dumped the girl they picked in the season FINALE prior to the recap show. This cruelty has been happening for years, but the shoe is now on the other foot. Watching him grovel had to feel good for Mrs. Mesnick and Becca. Watching him literally shake felt less good. It did not look like I was watching an adult get dumped. I felt like a freshman got dumped the night before homecoming. He was so emotional. So distraught. So blindsided. How can you be this blindsided when you are literally dating three women at the same time?

Colton's comments:

1. "Did you already made a decision..."
2. "The last thing I’m gonna do is walk away from this relationship…"
3. "I'm willing to to give up the engagement…"
4. "I love you..."
5. "I want a future with you..."
6. "I want it to be you..."

Hey, Colton, let me take these in order as I play Cassie:

1. "Yes."
2. "You do you, boo."
3. "And?"
4. "I'm really, sorry" in the style of Juliette Lewis.
5. "You can watch next season."
6. "See #4."

To sum up the answers, 1-6, Cassie dropped the QOTN: “I feel like staying here is making the wrong decision for me.” Well, that's the most definitive thing she said all year.

Colton's response? “Fuck all of this. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”

The Bachelor: Sonoma Ben's Final Vintage

Well this finale started off with quite the teaser. Harrison said this will be the most "controversial finale in Bachelor history." How could it be more controversial than Brad picking neither girl? Or Mesnick pulling a switcheroo and choosing the other girl? Maybe he'll do a sweep kick on the loser?

I've done a little research to find out how people around the country are celebrating.

Looks like they're drinking wine in Michigan:

;

It's all about the final rose caramel brownies in Florida:

Ben's sister, Sonoma Benjamina, and his Mom flew to Switzerland to meet the ladies. Seabiscuit was up first. After seeing Ben's sister, Ben's severely parted hair makes more sense. The Flajniks are a family of center parts. Never forget the early 90s!!!

Seabiscuit stumbled out of the gate when she had to talk to humans and not horses. Around the first turn, she continued to falter by talking trash about House B to Benjamina. Seabiscuit was strong down the stretch when Benjamina took the HB gossip well.

Courtney arrived at the Chateau Flajnik to meet the family. Benjamina and Mom were not thrilled to meet a model. Apparently "model" is a bad word. Benjamina confronted HB about how she did not get along well with the other girls. HB, proving that models might be as boring as advertised, had very little to say.

Benjamina, showing she is not a good judge of character, said that she was "shocked" and "blown away" by how great HB is. Watching the whole season must have been a tough ego blow to her character judgment skills.

Last Date #1: Seabiscuit Linzieysz

Ben and Biscuit took a horse-drawn carriage through Zermatt for their date. Why are they called horse "drawn" and not horse "pulled?" I'll bet the Biscuit knows the answer. Could someone ask Jeeves for me?

While on a gondola trip up to see the Matterhorn Yeti, Ben told the Biscuit that he could see a life with her, "having kids in Florida." That's a pretty jacked-up thing to say to someone he's likely going to reject in about an 1 1/2 hours (TV time).

Can we please take a moment of silence for all the awkward moments of silence on this date?

Now that we're talking again, we get to hear more wisdom from the Biscuit. She says that "hindsight is weird." Some say it's also 20/20, but what do I know, I'm just a Bachelor blogger.

This date is so boring. When do we get to see Neil Lane!?

Last Date #2: House B Courtney

House B started off the date by saying that Ben has a lot of "depth." Ben's about as deep as the shallow end. Like how I did that? Get it? The shallow end, at least at my Grandma's pool, was not very deep. Like Ben.

Ben and House B took a helicopter up to a lake on the top of the Matterhorn for a picnic. HB proclaimed, "this is what I've been waiting for." What luck! Good thing she wasn't waiting all this time to take a submarine to the bottom of the Red Sea for brunch.

House B got Ben a gift. It looked like it was going to be a Blakeley-esque scrapbook. Turned out it was just a crapbook. It was three pictures of their dates with the caption, "I love you." She also read Ben a love note that sounded like Fleiss and Co. wrote it for her. I keep telling people that the love on this show is real, but I might be starting to doubt myself. Like Santa Claus, I just want to believe.

Neil Lane

"Hi, I'm Neil Lane." NO CRAP YOU'RE NEIL LANE. We've waited all season for this. You don't need to introduce yourself, buddy. Neil Lane's got princess cuts, baguettes, and firm handshakes.

With Neil Lane's blessing, how could anything go wrong?

Controversy

Harrison promised us that this would be the most controversial finale ever. It's official. Both of the ladies wore capes for the final rose. Who wears capes? In my book, that seems controversial. I expect everyone will be talking about those capes tomorrow.

First Out of the Helicopter - Seabiscuit

It's always a bad omen to be the first one out of the helicopter. Tonight was no different. After giving an uncomfortable speech about how much she's in love, Ben sent the Biscuit packing.

In what will surely become a legendary Bachelor line, the Biscuit said, "if things don't work out, call me."

Second Out of the Helicopter - House B

It's always a good omen to be the second person out of the helicopter (especially after the first person gets rejected). Though it seemed like Ben was going to pull a Womack and reject House B also, he turned it around and proposed to House B.

So I guess the controversy was just that he picked HB? That seems pretty weak Harrison!

After the Final Rose Highlights

• Chris Harrison really excels at moments like this. He's a true "Final Rose/Tell All" professional.
• Ben loves House B, but not the House B he saw on TV.
• Ben swears he hasn't cheated on HB (the pictures are old).
• I can't believe I'm still awake watching this show.
• Ben abandoned HB when she needed him.
• HB "thinks" they're still together.
• It's complicated.
• HB can't trust Ben completely (prediction: this isn't going to last).
• I'm fading fast. Save me Harrison.
• Crying, crying, more crying.
• No ring on HB's finger, but Harrison is there WITH THE RING - - - and Ben follows through with a re-proposal.
• The Dental Student and JP were there, as annoying as ever.
• With great relief, this season is over!

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Say Yes to (Rapping with) Des

Dugan's premiere recap is a tough act to follow.  With the right amount of scotch and pie, I will try to at least take him to a game seven.

The preview showed that the guys will be filming a rap video and yelling at Father Ben, this year's villain.  Episode two has major potential (for the audience).

First Solo Date: Brook(e)(s)

Confession: I had to rewind to hear if his name is Brooks or Brook.  Or is it Brooke?  Wait...is Brooke a ladies' name?  More scotch will help me answer these questions.

Brooks and Des took a trip along the coast in the ugliest Bentley automobile ever made.  Des should have kept the Honda.

Des took Brooks to a bridal salon.  They played dress up.  Des said she wanted to be "spontaneous" on their date by wearing the bridal apparel outside the store.  Does Des know what spontaneous means?  If she did, she would know that nothing on the Bachelorette happens organically?  Fleiss and Co. just would not stand for it.

Des and Brooks then got spontaneously sit on the famous Hollywood sign.  But in the end, Brooks got the first kiss.   How about that for spontaneity?  Now who looks like a cynic?

I have full rights to use this photo.  Courtesy of President Lincoln.

After another product placementy drive through LA at night, Brooks and Des had a romantic dinner.  Des asked how Brooks deals with commitment, seeing as his parents are divorced.  Brooks then confessed that he basically hates his dad.  Please let Brooks get a hometown date!  During his down time at the house, Brooks should take some guitar lessons:

I have no rights to this photo.

After dinner in the LA smog, Fleiss and Co. continued the tradition of having a vanilla band play a private concert.  This year, Andy Grammer did the honors.  Every single piece of information on his Wikipedia page was news to me.  Should I know who this guy is?

After this date, Brooks is looking like an early favorite, and has a rose to prove it.

Group Date: Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K., Wayne Borat Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zakkk, Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben (and maybe some other guys)

The group date, which supposedly includes shooting a rap video, is going to take place at...a winery!?  Now that I think about it, was California Love shot at a winery?  Maybe a post-apocalyptic winery.

Soulja Boy aka Sell Out Boy showed up to teach the guys.  Most of the guys were back up dancers.  Some had to rap with lyrics about previous infamous contestants on the Bachelor.  

Michael G. called himself the "whitest white boy there is."  Go Irish!  (Truth be told, his rap about Mesnick was actually pretty entertaining).  

Brandon, rapping pantsless, took himself much too seriously, and kept messing up his lyrics.  Don't worry Michael G., Brandon proved to be the whitest of the white boys.  

In the end, Soulja and the Boys were rather boring.  But, hey, maybe I'll buy a Soulja Boy album now...hold on...is this in-show advertising working!?

Later in the night, Zak with No C and No Shirt gave Des an antique journal with an inscription from some random father to his daughter.  Des loved it.  Good work Zak!  Buy a used book with an inscription meant for someone else and have the Bachelorette love it.  This guy is a professional.  

Father Ben pulled Des aside, drawing the ire of the other guys.  Assuming this guy becomes the villain as expected, he seems like he might be the nicest villain in show history: loves his son, asks permission to give her a kiss, and tucks in his polo shirt.  I prefer my villains with more skeletons in the closet.  

Brandon, stealing a page out of Hockey Hair Brooks's playbook, emotionally confessed to Des that his dad left when he was five and his mom was a drug addict.  Brandon was highly emotional, saying he did not expect to "fall in like" with her so soon.  For saying that, Brandon, you are my villain.  

Ben got the date rose.  All of the guys still see him as he villain.  

Solo Date: Bryden

Bryden also got to take a trip in the Busted Bentley.

The first road trip stop was on Matador Beach.  They had fish tacos.  That's what I'm talking about.
Next stop, Coconut Grove to visit an orange grove.
Next stop, Ojai to visit a spa.  (also the first Bachelor dramatic/romantic background music we've heard...this bodes well for Bryden)

During their evening dinner at the spa, Bryden admitted that he almost died in a car accident...and he had the red asphalt photos of himself to prove it.  If you qualify to be a contestant on this show, you're life has probably had a rough patch: absent fathers, drug addicted mothers, attending Notre Dame, or near-death car accident.

Predictably, Bryden got a date rose.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Michael G. confessed to Des that he has diabetes.  Add that on the "rough patch" list.  While telling his deepest secret, Father Ben "swooped" in and interrupted Michael G.  Cue villain music.  Like bunting in the 9th inning of a no-hit bid, taking time with the Bachelorette when you already have a rose will get you a bean ball in your next at-bat.

This is a picture of a baseball hitting this guy in the face.

A few of the guys unconvincingly confronted Father Ben.  I'm going to need to see some more offensive behavior from Ben before I dislike the guy.  He just seems like a bit of a dweeb.  

Joining Hockey Hair Brooks, Father Ben, and Bryden with roses were:

James the Undertaker

Casey

Dr. Who (Dan)

Juan Pablo (*Des asked if Juan Pablo "aceptas las rosas?" - - - we're entering Ali and Ro-Ber-To territory)

Brad

Chris

Brian

Zak with No C and No Shirt

Drew

Mikey

Big (Zack K)

Michael - Go Irish!

Brandon

Goodbye Wayne Borat Will (low five on the way out the door from me), Robert Sign Spinner, and Nick M.

Until next week, with hopefully less rapping.

 

The Bachelor Finale: Chantal The Underdog

From Chantal's perspective going into this episode, she must have been quite nervous. She's going head-to-head against Emily, America's sweetheart. On the other hand, Chantal has prepped (i.e. had plastic surgery) as much as possible to get ready for this moment.

Brad's family arrived in Cape Town. Brad, like Chantal, was incredibly emotional. Chantal got to meet Chad and the not-so-good-looking younger brother. Chantal revealed that she knows she can fall in love quickly because she had been married before. Chad, the master of spin, sees this as a good thing because she must know what she wants since it didn't work out the first time.

Emily's date was next. While watching at home, Chantal must be feeling even better once Brad told his family that Emily has a daughter and a deceased baby daddy. Brad's family saw red flags. The mood was noticeably more somber compared to Chantal's date.

Brad used these words and phrases to describe Emily: "lady," "makes me be better," "sweet," "veneers," and "kind of boring." Okay, he only said 3 out of 5 of those, but Chantal definitely hopes Bradmund focuses on the latter two.

At the end of the two date, Brad's family says that they would prefer that he pick Emily. If Chantal had ever watched previous seasons of this show before, she would know that this is a good thing for her because the obvious favorite rarely wins (unless you count Jason Mesnick's season, when both of them kind of won).

Chantal then had her chance to get back in the driver's seat by facing her fears. She put Brad at ease in her wet suit by showing off her two plastic flotation devices. Loyal reader J. Mack of Florida knew that Chantal's life rafts would make a strong impression on this final episode.

Chantal must have been rejoicing at Emily's one-on-one date. Though it had a helicopter and romantic music, Emily ruined the mood by talking about how her life is not like the Bachelor Pad. Cue Chantal cackling at home about how Emily should have focused on cleavage rather than step parenting, trips to the hospital, and not being "ready."

Chantal responded with another cleavage shot followed up with a bathing suit . No one in America can say that Chantal didn't give it her all compared to Emily. Emily offered a life of emergency room visits and Chantal showed exactly what she will bring to the table.

Brad had a meeting with Neal Lane (yes, that Neal Lane). Chantal had to be thrilled with the ring Brad selected when compared to the first ring she had. I went online to try and find a photo, but the search term "chantal o'brien first wedding ring" didn't return g-rated photos.

Chantal was the first lady out of the limo. That used to be a bad sign, but lately, this is not indicative of anything. And then the moment arrived: Chantal wins! Chantal wins! Chantal wins! Wait a second. Chantal lost. As usual, Bradmund wanted to talk it out. Chantal was having none of it.

Emily followed up by taking the final rose. Chantal must be upset at this finale, but there's no shame in losing to Emily. Losing to CEMII or Bartender Stacy would have been a whole other ballgame.

Chantal had something very special to offer Brad: capital. Her family could have definitely put up the money to expand the Brad/Chad restaurant chain to Seattle. Chantal and Brad could have opened a Bachelor-themed restaurant.

Some of the suggested menu items based on the finale and this season:

Shark Fin Soup: face your biggest fears like they do on the Bachelor

The Harrison/Womack Sampler: the best appetizers of Texas with a hint of rosewater

Slap Chop Pork Chops: hand slapped pork chops reminiscent of a first date

The Brad Burger: looks well put together, but deep down is plain and uninteresting

The Big Deal Baked Ziti: because with Brad, everything is a big deal

38 Oz. Steak: once ounce for every year Brad has been alive (you probably only thought it was going to be a 32 ouncer)

Featured Beer - Blonde Lager: much less fun than a dark ale

Chocolate Cake: this is why you came here...for the right reasons

In conclusion, the lesson of this season is that she who has the most helicopter rides, wins.