The Bachelorette(s) Episode 11: Finally Finale

We begin with Chris Harrison’s usual finale level exaggeration: “Unforgettable” “Shocking” “Controversial”. Well then, it’s go time. We have Hans v. Ugly Gosling going head-to-head for the final rose.

As we realize the finale is taking place back at the Bachelor home base of Los Angeles County, Mrs. Dugan and I start to wonder if the Bachelor/ette is having budget problems? We began the season at the mansion and traveled to San Antonio, New York, Dublin (for an extended stay), Utah and have now returned to Los Angeles. Further proof? I count only two helicopters on the season with Chris Quinn in New York and the Cupcake Dentist at the Cliffs of Mohr.

Kaitlyn’s family meets Hans.

Kaitlyn fills her family in on the two guys. Basically, she lets her family know three things: 1) Hans from Andi’s season is one of the final two, 2) She slept with Hans, and 3) Hans and the other guy, Ugly Gosling, hate each other.

Kaitlyn’s sister, Haley, questions whether Hans is “here for the right reasons.” Definitely did not get enough of that Bachelor/ette staple. Mom grabs Nick and lets him know she didn’t like him on Andi’s season. Mom points out that he was confident and borderline egotistical. Nick goes on to be confident and borderline cocky. But Nick cried and Mom swooned and the family gave their approval..

Ugly Gosling meets the Family

These shows and dates are fairly formulaic. Rarely does something new or interesting happen. That’s why special moments must be highlighted and enjoyed. And Ugly Gosling gave a fantastic anecdote that is 100% a lie. Let’s get this story straight.

Ugly Gosling lets us know his sisters originally told him about the show. He watches and likes Kaitlyn. And when she gets cut, he takes a picture of her on the tv. In an app, he draws a heart around her picture and sends to his “buddies” to let them know he’ll heal her broken heart.

This Picture according to ATFR

WHAT? This did not happen. No male would ever do this. What “buddies” did he send this to? I need way more information about this ridiculous anecdote.

Even though Mom threw the Hans sex in his face, Ugly Gosling still asked for the parents blessing which was received.

Last Dates

Hans and Kaitlyn meet at Marina del Rey and go yachting. Oops. Due to budget constraints, they take out a 40 foot catamaran. What happened to yachts!!! They head to their date time when Hans drops the QOTN: “I got you a gift and it’s in my bedroom.” Really? Is he 15? Let’s move on to Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling.

Saddle Rock with Ugly Gosling. This sounds like a terrible DMB cover band. Kaitlyn is being awkward on the date and Ugly Gosling is getting annoyed. He did throw back the red wine. For dinner, Mrs. Dugan notes that UG is “wearing his nicest baseball tee.” Ugly Gosling gives Kaitlyn a Memory Jar. Ugly Goslng DID NOT MAKE THIS. If you believe he made the Memory Jar, please do not vote ever again.

Neil Lane

Budget cuts be damned. We need Neil! Ugly Gosling meets first and selects a ring. Hans laments the first missed opportunity with Neil. Andi cut him on the door step of Neil. However, tonight, Neil Lane is getting solid time and the WWT authors cannot be happier. 

Back at the Mansion for the Rose Ceremony

Mrs D. “Who’s in the Limo?”

Dugan: “Nick because he’s getting cut.”

Hans is first out. BOOM.

Hans is laying his heart on the line. And Kaitlyn has to stop him eventually. She does: “My heart is just with somebody else” It’s time for an impressive back peddle by Kaitlyn.

Hans will always have Neil Lane. And diamonds are forever. Mrs. Dugan points out Nick’s crying family in the crowd and I suddenly feel a microscopic tinge of guilt for laughing at people’s feelings.

Ugly Gosling calls Chris “Mr. Harrison” which is an appropriate level of respect.

UG proposes. Kaitlyn accepts. Congrats kids. I wish you all the Trista & Ryan luck in the world.

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 10: 1st and 10 Let's Do It Again

Let me start by apologizing if this post doesn't make any sense, is filled with typos, and is not funny. I have just returned from a raucous Las Vegas bachelor party, and I am just starting to feel like the whiskey and red meat might be leaving my system.  I need to go on a quinoa cleanse.  (Not surprisingly, I guess this actually exists.)  Needless to say, tonight will be an ice cream-only event.  This about sums it up:



As usual, enough about me and more about the Bachelorette.

Welcome back to fantasy suite week, aka "Role Model Ben's Last Tryout for the Bachelor."  The show resumed with Ugly Gosling confronting Hans in an Enniskillen hotel.  As Dugan pointed out last week, it's pretty amazing that they are still in Ireland.  Less helicopters and less beaches this season for sure.  More San Antonio and more castles in return.

Role Models Ben

The fantasy date started with RMB and Kaitlyn getting on some horses.  Kaitlyn asked if horses can smell fear.  Is she too young to remember Jerry Maguire?

They had a picnic by a castle.  It looked like one of those castles that was made in the 1800s.  That's way less impressive than a 1500s era castle.

It turned out that the fake castle was the location of their fantasy night.  I hope they have down comforters because it's going to be drafty in there.  

Role Model said he "never thought he would spend a night in an Irish castle."  All he had to do was google it to realize that it's a fairly attainable goal.  Dare to dream, Benjamin.  Dare to dream.

Kaitlyn said that she wanted to make sure he's "110%" interested in her.  I now like her 50% less.  

The next morning, Kaitlyn admitted that she only slept for half an hour.  That means they must have talked a lot.  

Ugly Gosling

Ugly Gosling and Kaitlyn started their fantasy date by golfing.  UG said "golf is a lot like love.  You can do it until you're old and gray."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Like most of the rounds of golf I play, they ended their day with a game of truth-or-dare.  Right off the bat, UG selected dare, and Kaitlyn dared him to putt "nakey."  We don't exactly have Rhodes Scholars on this season, do we?

Everything was going great until Kaitlyn brought up Hans.  Kaitlyn claimed "the last thing she wanted to do was bring up Nick."  Mrs. Wags, master of common sense, pondered why bringing up Hans was the first thing she did?  

Kaitlyn continued to stir the pot by revealing that Hans spilled the beans about UG being an eskimo brother with a country singer.  UG was so upset that he didn't even make Kaitlyn breakfast, but rather went straight to confront Hans.

UG confronted Hans and right away said "you're the last person I want to see right now."  If Mrs. Wags had not gone to bed ten minutes ago, she would have pondered why UG did, in fact, make Hans the first person he saw.  

Rose Ceremony

After a Harrison consultation, Kaitlyn was ready to have her mid-episode rose ceremony.  Instead, she started crying and couldn't do what she had to do (send Role Models Ben home).  

After more Harrison (thank you Fleiss & Co.), roses went to:

Hans

Ugly Gosling

Do not worry Role Models Ben.  While may be an exit from this season, it is just the beginning of your special relationship with Chris Harrison, Neil Lane, and twenty five of ladies that are all going to pretend to want to marry you.  

Utah?

Kaitlyn left Ireland and arrived in Utah to meet both Hans's and UG's families.  No hometowns?  Now I'm completely thrown off by what this season stands for.  If they tell me there will not be Neil Lane, I might write a handwritten complaint letter to ABC.

Hans's Family

While Hans expressed his love for Kaitlyn out in front of the resort, his family was up in a hotel room getting ready to stage an intervention to prevent him from going further.

Upon entry in the room, we learned that Hans's family was the original Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  Once his parents found out that Hans was in the final two guys, they all reeled in terror.  His family is rather pessimistic, but I'm not sure why the track record of relationships on this show would give them any reason to be concerned.  

After some family interviews, the Hanses seemed cautiously optimistic.

Ugly Gosling's Family

Kaitlyn said she was not nervous to meet UG's two sisters because "sisters are her jam," as she has six step-sisters and one "real" sister.  OUCH.  Sorry evil step-sisters.  

Kaitlyn met much of UG's family, but his mom "couldn't make it."  Hmmmm.  This usually signifies that something complicated is going on.  Since I don't do any research outside the two television hours of this show, I guess I'll never find out (please help me out on this one, Mrs. Dugan).  

UG's sisters like Kaitlyn quite a bit.  At this moment, I wish Britt had been the Bachelorette because she would make the worst impressions on the families.  Kaitlyn, on the other hand, always seems to make good first impressions.  

I wrote too soon.  UG's dad wants to know "what the hell is going on, because this is nuts."  UG calmed Mr. Ugly Sr.'s fears by saying that he loves Kaitlyn.  

The show ended with Kaitlyn's tears because she just doesn't know what to do.  She cares so much about both guys.  

Until two weeks from now, when we find out who will be the champ....

The Bachelorette(s) Episode 9: Erin Go Gragh Edition

"Erin go Bragh" means Ireland Forever...and it seems like we have been in Ireland forever. We begin with Kaitlyn lamenting the loss of Dr. Harris, DDS. Really? We are going to pretend like he was a loss?

Role Models Ben and The Bachelor Tryout w/ Irish Whiskey

Role Models Ben rows Kaitlyn to a private island where they return to a tried and true Bachelor shtick: hide-and-seek. Oh, you don't remember past hide and seek events? What about Farmer Chris and Andi in the Carribean? What about Farmer Chris at home in Iowa? Ok, now let's think about the last time you played hide-and-seek on a date? Oh, never? Me neither. Is this show produced by 5 yr olds?

Kaitlyn asks the QOTS during some late night time with Ben: "You seem like husband material. Do I seem like wife material?” Actually, no.

Role Models Ben discusses his last girlfriend and questions if he is lovable. 

Ben drops this quote - “this relationship makes me a better person” - which caused me to reflexively google image search the word "gag." I immediately regret that choice. Kaitlyn questions Role Models Ben's virginity but won't be able to take his v card as Ben jumps to the lead of most likely Bachelor.

Group Date with American Pharoah, Ugly Gosling and Hans w/ Irish Whiskey

The men leave Chris Quinn Jared to work on his facial hair while they drink more Irish Whiskey. Ugly Gosling grabs quick one-on-one time and Kaitlyn is struggling with her desire to build trust with UG while keeping the Hans Hanky Panky from him.  Ugly Gosling is oblivious to the bomb about to be dropped.

Hans interrupts and they immediately begin discussing the consequences of their escapade. Kaitlyn doesn't regret their night together: “I’m a grown woman. I can do what I want.” Oh really, Cartman?

American Pharoah is on the outside looking in and needs to make up ground on the home stretch. It's good to see Fleiss & Co. still read the blog as they cut to wild horses before American Pharaoh's one-on-one time.

You know what's not a good response when you profess your love to a women: "It’s really flattering.” Ouch. Send American Pharaoh to the ol' Barbaro Glue Factory because he is done. 

She cuts him and it gets awkward.

AP: “What do I do now?”

Kaitlyn: “Whatever you have to do.”

AP: "I'm not saying shit to you now."

With AP gone, it's time for Ugly Gosling to hear the truth about Hans. UG is fairly calm, cool and collected in the face of  Kaitlyn's confession. 

Rose Ceremony Time 

Hans, Chris Quinn Jared, Ugly Gosling and Role Models Ben take a horse drawn carriage to the gallows for one of them. UG gets the first rose and needs some reassuring. Kaitlyn snares Ugly Gosling followed by next Bachelor Role Models Ben and Hans.

Say goodbye to Chris Quinn Jared.

Great tweet by @Millsy11374: Neil Lane was NEVER going to allow man named Jared to get close to the end. Never. #TheBachelorette

Cork One on One with Hans and Irish Whiskey

Kaitlyn and Hans enter another church and Hans explains the sacrament of confession. Isn't it ironic...don't you think? Perhaps they'll end the season with a step towards another sacrament. They leave church and head to a bar (good choice) to have some crack (errrr....craic) with the locals. 

Kaitlyn and Hans get along. They have a great connection. We get it. The most important fact we learn on this episode is that Ugly Gosling is eskimo brothers with a famous country singer?

Whenever I have the option to pick a country singer...GEORGE JONES!

Until next week when teh Ugly Gosling/Hans dual finally boils over.