The "I'm Falling In Love With Two People" Episode, a.k.a., The Finale.

Sad news for fans of the blog. Tim mistakenly thought the finale was live and flew to Hawaii to propose to Jillian along with everyone else. However, Dugan is here to fill in (and had some formatting issues) and provide a recap for those who prefer a juvenile review of things.

SPOILER ALERT for West Coast fans. Do not read any further.

Jillian starts the episode by introducing E.D. and Kiptyn to her family. E.D. gets first crack at the Canadians. For those that remember Jason’s visit with Jillian’s family, hot cousin Tory is back. You get the feeling she would kill to be in Jillian’s position. E.D. is heartfelt explaining his decision to leave and come back. Mrs. Dugan pointed out that Jillian may have another Bachelor on her mind during her talk with mom. She is giving signals via suggestive foot movements. At home, Tanner P can barely contain himself.

Mom approves of E.D., but we will see later that Kiptyn is her choice. Meanwhile, things go very well with Jillian’s dad. E.D. feels pretty comfortable enough to forgo the “Mr.” and throws out the first name, “Glen”. He even asks Glen for his daughter’s hand in marriage. These conversations usually don’t happen barefoot. They also are not usually followed by male on male coconut bikini top wearing grinding. Sadly, that outfit was still better than the green shorts.

It’s Kiptyn’s turn to melt the hearts of the Canadian women. As for Jillian, it’s par for the course – not much talking…back to sucking face. Kiptyn has a tough hill to climb. He’s a good looking, wealthy, nice, surfer, volunteer, with nine pack abs and a love for the ocean. His resume is like Dr. Baldwin but normal. Kiptyn passes the mom and cousin test with flying colors. Pretty sure he just let the cousin make out with him – his best move. Glen fires away asking if Kiptyn’s in love?

His answer ends the show: “I’m getting there…” If he isn’t there yet, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Grandma is confused why she keeps getting dragged on reality dating shows. Hot cousin and mom come out for Team Kiptyn and Glen is firmly behind E.D. Jillian needs some “girl talk” with Tory before she is ready to choose. Who knew that “girl talk” = “I want to rip your clothes off talk?” I did not. Jillian explains that she shares those feelings for Kiptyn…no shit. But E.D. left something to be desired in the fantasy suite.

Mrs. Dugan points out that E.D. better pull through in the fantasy suite. Last opportunity for E.D. and he knows it. It’s cliché time for E.D.: ”Tonight’s got to be a success.” “I have to seal the deal.” He knows he can’t mess this up and busts out his best gray tank top.

While slightly more hetero than Richard Simmons tank top, E.D. is still facing an uphill battle. ABC is crushing his issues having Jillian takes E.D. to a volcano. That’s just mean. E.D. compares her to a “best guy friend” then busts out his green daisy dukes.

Fantasy Suite Time.

Is E.D. a closer? Volcano erupts. Coffee for Ed.

Kiptyn is in trouble. Ed fixed his one fault in Jillian’s eyes. He’s going to have to separate himself from Ed. Luckily, it’s a beach date and Kiptyn busts out the abs and is ready for Jillian to forget about Ed’s school project volcano. Kiptyn knows he has to lay it on the line. Might have to drop the L word. Close, but no cigar “I’m falling in love with you…”. Two strikes for Kiptyn. Kiptyn gives one last pitch explaining that his life and friends are amazing. Jillian was so confused. Kiptyn was actually using words. Up until this episode, she had only heard the “waah wah wah waah” of Charlie Brown teacher when Kiptyn spoke.

Jillian received two letters in her hotel room. Ed went to Walgreens and got a greeting card. Kiptyn used indigo on a scroll his family saved for generations. These guys couldn’t be more different and Jillian pretends she is falling equally in love with both.

Way off topic, but Ed’s hotel was strangely reminiscent. Then it hit me. Saved by the Bell in Hawaii episode.

As we are approaching the final rose ceremony, all faithful bachelorette fans know that Reid has not yet surfaced. Both men getting ready and looking ready to propose. Kiptyn is first out of the limo. Did he where a purple suit? Kiptyn is talking about their time together, his feelings…waiting for her to stop him before he gets too far. Jillian eventually steps in and explains that while things (outside of the bedroom) moved too slowly and she “fell in love with somebody else”

Kiptyn did everything he could to muster the fake tears needed to secure the next bachelor spot. FAIL. Now its Reid’s turn to fail. He comes back to finally explain his feelings and propose. Reid finally gets the words out and opens up like he should have all along…things just became clear after he got cut.

Jillian seems genuinely confused. Jillian seems more broken up about Reid coming back and professing his love than cutting Kiptyn. I am thinking about something else. What happen to Kiptyn and Reid’s rings? I assume ABC buys the final two guys…but Reid might be going to the pawn shop on the way to the airport.

Ed’s limo finally finds the right house. He starts. She’s grinning. Must have given him the confidence he needed. Before he proposes, he needs to hear one thing. And Jillian says it: She loves him and has wanted to tell him forever. Happily ever after. One of the most “nomal” guys to ever win. Good luck, kids. You provided a great season, as always.

Someone took the time to put this masterpiece together..and I thank them.

Nice Shorts Buddy

This week's Bachelorette installment lacked a certain je nais se quoi. I couldn't exactly put my finger on it last night. As I was thinking about what was missing today, I realized that it was Wes, Tanner, and Jake. This could be the first season of the Bachelor(ette) that I have been more excited for the reunion show than the actual finale.

On this week's episode, all three contestants were whisked away to Maui. Curiously, ABC found three separate hotels to sponsor the show. Each contestant's fantasy suite was in a different hotel. I think Kapalua is nicer than the Westin or the Sheraton. Either way, the hotel choices proved what kind of tough economic times we are having right now. Maui has this, this, and this.

Date rundowns:

#1: Kiptyn and Jillian were sent to do a team-building-exercise, a.k.a. a rope course. Rope courses seem like a horrible date option. It's about the last thing I would want to do in Maui. I would suggest sitting on a secluded beach with a picnic basket. Kiptyn made the best of it by proving to Jillian that he cares about her with such rope course cliches as, "You can do it," and "Just climb the pole a little more." Oh wait, that last line occurred a little later. Once again, the conversation with Kiptyn stinks. He's a blank slate. Chill out about the flamenco pants dude. He's going to win the whole show, and I don't even feel like we know him. What a shame.

#2: Akward Reid was able to express his feelings really well....with the cameramen. Tell Jillian how you feel, not the producers. Reid really needed Chris Harrison's help to guide him to love. Unfortunately, Chris is really only there to help Jillian. Selfish bastard. Though Reid couldn't express himself properly, he seemed like he had everything going for him. He had the Bachelorette-patented Helicopter Date and he got Jillian in the hot tub. It seemed like a recipe for success. Unfortunately for Reid, he had the most demoralizing rejection in hindsight because he lost to a guy (Ed) that couldn't "perform."

#3: Ed was up last. Maybe that's why he was nervous? Maybe sunburns and dehydration really make it difficult to be excited when you're with someone for the first time? Maybe having your parents on the island gave you performance anxiety? Maybe wearing little green shorts all day cut off circulation? It was one of the more inexplicable, curious moments in Bachelor(ette) history. I worry about Jillian's mental health after this incident. She already has low self-esteem. She is going to blame herself for Ed's problem. This is not going to end well.

In two weeks, a winner will be chosen. The previews seem to indicate that there will be a twist. Most are predicting that Reid returns. I doubt it. That would be too Jakeish. And Reid isn't a commercial pilot with full access to the friendly skies.

Kiptyn Iced Tea is going to win. Dugan is the expert on these predictions. The favorite never wins, and Ed is currently the favorite.

In case you missed it...

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Wes and the Dark Side

You might wonder why that picture is above. If you look closely, you'll notice that it's a cute bird. It's pretty and blue and has neat spots. It also has one leg. If that's the first thing you noticed, you might have a girlfriend back in Texas named Laurel.

This week's Bachelorette was wildly entertaining even though we all knew exactly who was going home. All of the dates took place in Spain. Jillian, not quite looking her best, had dates with Kiptyn, Reid, and Ed. The qualities of all three of these gentlemen could make up one "Super Bachelor," but more on that later

The final date, if you can call it that was with Wes. This date was truly the pièce de résistance of the whole show. Wes arrived in Spain uninterested. He has already won this competition in his head. During his date he seemed distant and unaffectionate. At this point, every Bachelor(ette) fan knows that you must wear your heart on your sleeve. But during a deeply romantic picnic, Wes could only focus on food and feet...bird feet that is. At one point, Wes slipped and said he had a girlfriend. As Jillian started to cry, the not-so-slick waiter brought over the invitation to the fantasy suite on a silver platter. He might as well have brought a human head. As Jillian was literally crying, Wes said, "I think we should do it." Date over on the spot. Easily the worst dream date in Bachelor history.

But the fun had barely begun. At the rose ceremony sans Chris Harrison (no passport?), Wes was obviously going to lose (even though I had a slight twinge that the producers might step in one more time and give Wes one more chance). Jillian made the right choice 4 weeks late and got rid of Wes.

The time had come. Wes's inevitable limo ride. We had waited all season for this moment. AND WES DELIVERED!!! In a delightful nutshell, Wes admitted having a girlfriend, making it the furthest of any person with a girlfriend, wanting to sell records, and wanting to have lots of sex now that he's off the show. Wes finally embraced the dark side completely and turned into pure evil. This was the first episode of the season that I saved so I could rewatch all Wes-related scenes.

Here's my theory on the three remaining Bachelors. If you combined Reid's personality, Ed's wordsmith abilities, and Kiptyn's looks, Jillian would have the Super Bachelor. It's really too bad that science has not advanced far enough to make this happen. Instead, the Bachelorette with the lowest self-esteem in Bachelorette history is on the verge of a very difficult decision.

Remember everyone, loving you don't take that long. Goodbye Wes.

I'd Like You to Meet My Second Family

Welcome back Bachelorette fans! This week proved to us that, yes, love don't come easy. It was hometown date week. All of the hometown dates paled in comparison to what occurred in Austin, Texas. Before I focus my attention on Wes's date, I will Haiku the other dates.

Reid sells real estate
Just like his middle class mom
Has issues galore

Jesse has a bro

Who looks like a young Gandalf

And blew it for him

Mike has a twin bro
Jill won't fall for their twin trick
Family room dancing

Kiptyn lives in style
Sister looks like a celeb
Hot tub jokes fail

I would create a Haiku for Wes, but I need more than a 5-7-5 structure for this country bad-boy. The first aspect of Wes's date that I liked was finding out that he has two families. "Jillian, meet my band." Strangely, Jillian did not inquire if Wes's band knows any other songs. A loyal blog tipster/superfan has the answer for how you can hear the rest of his songs.

The next best part of the date was Laurel. Who's Laurel, you ask? Well, we don't actually know her, but we learned all about her from Jake. Jake had a five hour layover and a hotel room reserved in Austin (I read another blog that said Jake routinely travels through Austin for work). After briefly consulting with Tanner the moral compass, Jake laid it all out there for Jillian about Wes. This was no surprise after seeing the previews, but it was a true shocker when Jake named Wes's girlfriend by name.

Now to the best (i.e. most frustrating) part. Jake confronted Wes and Wes WON. Jillian bought Wes's excuse hook, link, and sinker. His explanation was that Laurel is his ex, but he just calls her his girlfriend still. Classic. Of course, Jillian went on to give Wes a rose. At some point, the producers can't keep driving this relationship. Jillian can only blame herself for this obvious heartbreak.

Jillian's hotel room proved to be very active place. After Jake showed up, Ed returned. You remember Ed, the guy who left the show because he was going to lose his job. Well it turned out to be a good thing that he kept that rose because he wants back in the show. Let's try a logic game to determine why Jillian kept Ed around:

If Jillian likes guys who are flakes with issues

And Ed is a flake with issues

Jillian must like Ed.

This show is too easy. All of the final contestants on the show can fit perfectly into this logic pattern.

The roses went to Wes, Reid, Kiptyn, and Ed. Jillian justified her pick of Ed by stating, "I need to meet his family...or at least talk to them on the phone." I suggest she ask last season's Bachelor Jason how well that "phone-a-family" plan worked out for him and Melissa.

Goodbye Jesse and Michael. Your wine and humor will be missed.