The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

Well it's my last chance for my favorite Monday night parings.  On tonight's menu: Three Twins strawberry ice cream, new scotch I just bought for tonight's finale, and a healthy dose of anxiety and sadness on the way.  Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.  There are only four possible outcomes tonight, listed from least likely to most likely:

1) She picks Drew Who?
2) She picks Chris
3) Brooks re-enters the finale or After the Final Rose to win her heart (a la Mesnick/Molly . . . a "MesMol")
4) She chooses no one:

After what transpired last week, the only correct choice is #4, but I'm cheering for the awkwardness of #s 1-3.

I have said enough.  Let's start the show.

The show began with sad music, indicating that Des likely still has a broken heart.  Fortunately, Chris Harrison is there to comfort her (i.e. watch her cry).  Mrs. Wags is very concerned that Chris Harrison could be having a difficult time with all of this in light of his recent divorce.  I'm more interested in how Chris Harrison figured out a way for everyone to use his full name at all times.  He's like the opposite of a Brazilian athlete.

There is also another man we should be concerned about: Neil Lane.  In case you have never shopped for an engagement ring before, Neil Lane is the only acceptable person to shop with.  Brooks's departure has put Neil's inevitable appearance in jeopardy.  For that, I will never forgive Brooks.

Last Week's Rose Ceremony, This Week

Though Des can't get two words out without breaking into tears, she still had to have the rose ceremony with Drew Who and Chris.  Des told the guys that Brooks went home (while crying).  She said she's lucky to have two great guys remaining (while crying), and then gave each of them a rose (while crying).  Chris and Drew Who must feel so honored to be there.

I'm really excited to be here.

So far, there have not been any tweets this week.  Apparently every tweeter is in the live studio audience.

(Studio audience sidenote: how great would it be if there was a real celebrity in the studio audience?  I would like to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes.)

Drew Who Gets a Date

Des decided to proceed with the process.  There is no way that Des wanted to go through with these dates, but the contract she surely signed with Fleiss and Co. overrides.

Des says, "something doesn't feel right with Drew."  Interpretation: "I'm still in love with Brooks."

Thirty seconds after saying something doesn't feel right, Drew Who proposed a toast to "falling madly in love."  As soon as he got the words out, Des broke into tears (no surprise) and ended the relationship.  Neil Lane continues to fume at home.

Mrs. Wags and I have been playing "drink every time Des cries."  This post is going to make less and less sense as we continue forward.

Drew Who went home while unconvincingly stating that he lost the only love of his life.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison mentioned for the third time that the Bachelorette has never ended with no winner.  With Drew's exit, we are "entering uncharted waters."  Bachelor Historian Wags would like to point out that Brad's first season chartered a boat and sailed those waters in 2007, rejecting both Deanna and Jenni.

Should have stayed up all night to get lucky.

Chris's Chance

Chris started off the date with Des smiling.  So that's good.

While they sailed around Antigua, the camera cut away to interviews with Des.  She seemed to be talking herself into Chris.  Fortunately for Des, her "heart will find what it needs."   This statement is a microcosm of what has made Des's run as Bachelorette rather mundane.  She only speaks in platitudes.  For the next five minutes, I will only document her useless statements:

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." (8:58 pm)
"It's like emotionally draining." (9:01 pm)
"I wish Brooks was here." (9:02 pm)
"It's been easy to be like 'Oh hey, what's up.'" (9:02 pm)
"It all happens for a reason . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly." (9:02 pm).

(In reality, Des only made four of those statements out loud, but she definitely thought the other one).

Chris gave Des a book of poems.  Des proceeded to break out in tears.  Maybe we WILL get some Neil Lane.

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family.  Her family includes the infamous Nate, her brother/love killer.  Nate peppered Chris with questions.  Chris handled Nate's questions with aplomb and grace.  You don't have a career minor league ERA of 4.64 if you stink at high pressure situations.

Before leaving the Hartsock's, Chris asked (and received) permission from Mr. Hartsock to marry Des.

The Final Rose

NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  NEIL LANE.  Every kiss begins with Neil Lane.    I don't care what happens on the rest of the show.  We got some Neil Lane.  By the way, Neil Lane loves the white dress shirt, no tie, and black sport coat look.  But who doesn't, really?

Neil offers that sage ring buying/life advice, "this is the ring she will look at every day for the rest of her life."  I love how much Neil Lane believes in this show.  He clearly will not let past performance influence his current opinion.

Note the consistent outfit

Chris exited the limo first.  Usually this would be a bad sign, but I do not think anyone else is coming (literally).  Figuratively, on the other hand, last week's episode is getting out of the limo to haunt this relationship going forward.

Before Chris could get down on one knee, Des interrupted to say that Chris is the only one here (hooray Chris!).  But then she admitted that she was falling for Brooks (Chris not feeling so good).  But Brooks helped her realize that she loves Chris the most (I guess this makes sense...if you're covering your butt for last week's episode).  

In all seriousness, can I get a Chris poem please!?

But really, they might actually be good for each other.  I sure hope so (because I believe in true love).  If they can get through watching last week's episode together, they might just make it.  After the proposal, Mrs. Wags said, "this is confusing."  I agree.  I never thought option #2 was possible, but true love finds a way.  

Until next season, with Juan Pablo.

The Bachelorette Finale 1 of 2: Say Yes to the Des

We begin with Des giving the run down on the final three:

• Straight Drew
• Warrior Baseball Poet Chris
• Hockey Hair Brooks

Where is Antigua in relation to your blogging authors? Too far from Wags to even mention.

Drew’s Fast Forward Fantasy Date

Drew and Desiree drive around Antigua taking in the sights and dancing with the locals. The enjoy maracas (who doesn’t?), limbo and a palm frond matchmaker. The dinner/bond fire got rained out and they fast forward to the fantasy suite portion of their night. This is a new dimension to fantasy suites. It’s like they took a shortcut ala the Gumdrop Pass.

Or should I say Rainbow Trail? Get it, Drew? We all do. Quote of the night material: “I just want to give him the world.” Well then, Des. Let’s turn out the lights and let you two get to it.

Hockey Hair Brooks in Utah

We get a sneak peek to upcoming drama with Brooks’ detour to Utah for a pep talk with Mom and Sis. Basically, Brooks likes Des but is feeling the pressure from Fleiss & Co. Liking the girl is not enough. You must propose.

Chris Back in Antigua

We get the obligatory helicopter action and beach hanky panky. Mrs. Dugan gives her traditional eye-roll during the beach make out session. Mrs. Dugan really gets upset at staged nonsense in the sand more than the other staged nonsense that goes on. Why? I have no idea.

Dinner talk includes Des’ willingness to move to Seattle. Des is willing to make things work. Seattle isn’t that bad, what if Chris lived in North Korea?

During the fantasy suite portion of the night, Baseball’s Warrior Poet drops his latest verse:

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bachelor men that day:
The score stood two guys to one, with but one date more to play.
And then when Shirtless Zak died at first, and James did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Brooks could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Brooks at the bat.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Bachelorville - mighty Brooks has struck out.

Brooks sits down with Harrison/Des

Here’s the lowdown. Hockey Hair isn’t feeling it. And he makes a pretty strong point. If Brooks doesn’t feel it amid the puppy dogs and champagne of Bachelor/ette manufactured romance, he doesn’t think its coming. But when Brooks explains the situation to Des, she surprises him by expressing her love.

Brooks: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Des: “I couldn’t.”

I THOUGHT FLEISS & CO WERE HERE TO CREATE TRUE LOVE…NOT DESTROY IT.

This ending with Brooks is making for an awkward finale. Brooks brings the melodrama with his “worst day of my life” bullshit. Really, Brooks? Really? Being flown to Antigua on a free vacation to dump a girl on a reality show is the worst day of your life?

Go to Mogadishu and bitch to Somalians about your life. Until next week with Wags’ write-up.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: Say Yes to the Des

It's Monday night!  You know what time it is.  It's time for whiskey and ice cream.  While I have the usual simple whiskey cocktail, I also am eating Mrs. Wags' homemade peach ice cream.  When I say ICE, you say CREAM.  ICE....CREAM.   ICE....CREAM.  I can almost hear you at home, I'm so excited.

Okay sugar.  Let's start the episode.  It's hometown date week.  We're back in the United States after a worldwide (i.e. Germany, Spain, Portugal) tour.

Dallas with Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak started his date with...a shirt.  How disappointing.  He has a reputation, and nickname, to live up to.  At least he looked as orange as usual.

Zak apparently dropped acid before his date.  He told Des about a dream where he and Des were on the beach.  They melted into the sand.  Then it started snowing.

Zak is the color of much of Dali's paint

The LSDream turned out to foreshadow Zak's family business: sno-cones.  Zak then put on a penguin costume to advertise the sno-cone truck.

I just re-read those last three paragraphs.  Am I on drugs?  Did Mrs. Wags spike my ice cream?  Is this real life?

The date continued with dinner at Zak's family's house (all wearing shirts...but who knows what the dessert course might hold?).  Zak's family was unexpectedly normal.  They sang a song together and all sounded like they could be on The Voice.   I guess they're just a very talented family.

Zak ended the date by giving Des a promise ring and saying he loved her.  Though Zak probably does not stand a chance of winning this thing, he made a strong push for next-Bachelor on this episode.

Scottsdale with Drew Who

Drew is taking Des to his Mom's house.  It will be the first time his Dad has ever been there.  Is this the proper venue for this kind of family reunion?

(Interesting sidenote: Mrs. Wags just asked me, "What's this guy's name?"  Yes, it's Drew Who?)

Drew took Des to meet his severely disabled sister.  This is intense.  I'm impressed with how well Des handled it, especially when his sister flipped Des's hair.  I thought a fight was about to break out.

At the family house, Drew's Dad asked if Des believes in angels.  "Yes," she quickly replied.  Well have you ever met one?  "Uh...I haven't."  You have met an angel now.  Drew's disabled sister.  Once again, well handled by Des.  That was not an easy line of questioning.

Drew's father's name is Malachi.  I can't decide if I think that's a really badass name or if I'm a little scared of it.

The date ended with Drew looking like he could win it all (even though I'm still not convinced that women are right for Drew).

Oregon with Chris

The third date was with Chris, the only remaining guy without a nickname.  If our past experiences on this blog are any indication, you have no chance of winning the Bachelor(ette) unless we've given you a nickname.

Chris took Des to a baseball field.  Des proved to be pretty decent, backing up her outdoorsy/athletic image that Fleiss and Co. have been pushing on us since day one.

Don't call her, maybe.  

But feel free to call her, Maeby.

At the dinner with Chris's family, Dr. Chris's Dad, a chiropractor, took Des to his home office and adjusted her back.  I loved that he had to put on his white doctor's coat and name tag to do some home procedures.  He's a consummate professional.

After treating Des, Chris stepped up to the plate (see what I did there?). Dr. Chris's Dad gave him a nose adjustment by shoving an air pump up his nose.  This date is turning into a terrible advertisement for chiropractors.

While Des conversed with Chris's weird Mom, Chris's siblings told him how much they disliked his ex-girlfriend.

The date ended poemless.  Chris does not seem like he's going to win it all.

Salt Lake City with Hockey Hair Brooks

Brooks started off the date by letting the audience know that he's "not sure how he feels about Des."

They started by taking out a row boat. Snooze.  There's nothing interesting about rowing.  Trust me on this one.

Brooks then took Des to meet his giant family.  All twenty of them wore name tags.  How very polite.

Brooks's brothers(?) then asked him a bunch of romantic, yet tough questions about whether he actually loves Des.  He did not actually answer any of the questions.  Brooks really seems to be struggling with this process.

Back in LA with Nate

Nasty Nate is Des's brother.  He's a royal jerk that got her kicked off the show last year.  If you just started watching the show this season, shame on you.  Read Dugan's take on Nate from last season.

Des revealed that she hasn't seen Nate since last season.  That sounds complicated.

The best part about Nate, other than his hand tattoos, is that he calls a spade a spade.  Or in this case, he calls a ridiculous reality show ridiculous.  Nate is too real for Fleiss and Co.

Rose Ceremony

Hockey Hair Brooks takes rose #1.  Chris (what!?) takes rose #2.  The final rose went to Drew Who.

Shirtless Zak is headed home.  I'm actually a little sad.  Not like I'm fully-crying sad, but more like tickle-in-the-back-of-my-throat sad.  I just don't want my last memory of Zak to be in a penguin outfit.  That's why I'll leave you with this:

Gone, and probably forgotten.

Until next week, when the men tell all.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: Say Yes to the Des

As Bachelor/ette Nation descends on Madeira, Dugan is suffering from some PTSD. I represented a project named Madiera (Yes, I pointed out the misspelling to no avail) that failed spectacularly at a City Commission meeting. I'll try to put that behind me as hometown dates are next week and we are winding down. Drew mentions that Madeira "is built for love." No, the Taj Mahal was built for love.

Friends in Town

Des managed to get free trips to Madeira for friends from Sean's season of The Bachelor: Catherine (winner), Lesley Abramoff and Jackie. While the other girls didn't add much, they did get Des to dish the following on the guys:

Best Kisser: Drew

Most Successful: Domer Mike

Most Athletic: Chris

Best Body: Drew

Best Eyes: Brooks

Most Adventurous: Zak

Brooks, Des and the Portuguese Cliffs of Moher

• Brooks and Des are a pretty likable couple
• Brooks and Des are discussing continuing their journey, but then begin a cliche-off
• “We did’t just break through the clouds, I feel like we had a breakthrough in our relationship.”
• I threw up a little in my mouth.
• Multiple “cloud nine” references (5 to be exact).
• They became unlikable on this date. Damn.

 The date continued with some Madeira hilltop dining:

• Des says she is falling in love with Brooks.
• Brooks rocking the not often worn rugby, v-neck, cardigan.
• Fireworks ended the night and might have more of an impact if it wasn’t July 8^th….WAIT, what was that spastic fireworks impersonation by Des? Love it.

Chris, the warrior baseball poet, Des & a Yacht 

This date was so bad that I started to think about the best moments in the history of yachting. Please see the following entries and vote on the poll in the top right:

• Bill Murray in What About Bob
• The Gasol Brothers diving with models and gym socks
• Ted Turner winning America's Cup

I stopped being interested in the date when they were writing poetry together. But finding pictures of Gasol brothers that feature Pau Gasol's butt is not where I thought my night would be going.

But the date did bring a quote of the night entry from Chris: “We’re gonna get a little wet. It’s gonna happen.” 

They continue their date over dinner where they discuss the following: 

• Family size.
• Another poem? This is getting ridiculous. He played pro baseball?
• Does saying “I love you” in a poem count? Is that valid?

 Michael Finally gets a One-on-One

• While hometowns are next week, Domer Mike is yet to have a one-on-one. A domer in the friend zone...hmmmm. 
• Little known fact, when you graduate from Notre Dame or Law School, you are given a lifetime supply of this exact outfit. Domer Mike's wardrobe is 79 different variations of this exact outfit.

 

• Domer Mike's Don Johnson style outfit at dinner was good enough to secure a hometown. It's great when I don't need to add photoshop. Domer Mike or Don Johnson?

• Past Girlfriend cheated on him.
• Des wants Mike to open up.
• He did. When a Domer becomes vulnerable, prepare for a disemboweling. Michael is exposed and I think this is going to end ugly.

 Des, Zak, Drew and a Rose.

• It's a Go Kart competition and Des drops a little Ricky Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” But, no, really. Because there’s two people racing.
• Zak beat Drew.
• I still wonder if Drew is on the right season.
• Drew gets the rose. Zak beats Drew.

 Rose Ceremony

• Discussion with Chris Harrison. Des says she’s in love with Brooks. Interesting.
• A life with Chris would be “full and lasting.” Hmmm….sounds great?
• Drew is safe. Have to assume the same of Brooks and Chris.
• Shirtless Zak v. Domer Mike.
• BOOM.

There's plenty more. 

He called his mom. Seriously? Until next week with Wags and the Hometowns...

The Bachelorette Episode 6: Say Yes to the Des

Clink clink!  It's time to start the Bachelorette. Before dinner tonight, Mrs. Wags asked me if I was nervous to write the recap tonight.  This may come as a shock to the readers, but I have never been nervous to write a recap.  Maybe a lesser man would crumble under the pressure, but with a bowl of strawberry ice cream and a glass of whiskey from Oregon, I can conquer the world.

Okay, enough about how you're jealous of my ice cream, whiskey, and grammar.  Let's get on with the recap.

This week takes place in Barthelona.  We continue to upgrade cities every week.  Barcelona > Munich > Atlantic City > LA.  It's simple alligator math.

Solo Date #1: Drew Who?

Des expressed how excited she was to get to know Drew Who because he's "a little reserved, but he's so romantic about being romantic."  I'm starting to see what the problem is with the season: Des!

Drew Who and Des walked the cobbled streets of Barcelona looking for a place to get a drink.  As Des took a big swig of wine (and Mrs. Wags asked for a taste of whiskey), Drew Who revealed, for the first time ever, that his dad is a recovering alcoholic with cancer. Des was "happy" to hear the story.  Once again, strange word choice by Des.  I've never been happy to hear that someone has lyme disease and also has a gambling addiction.  It's interesting information, but I don't feel happy about it.

As the date continued, Des and Drew Who had a candlelight dinner in a courtyard that looked suspiciously like the Bachelor(ette) courtyard in LA.  

Drew Who turned into Drew Suave by taking Des into the alleyway and making out...but then he ruined everything he worked for by tattling on James for wanting to be the next Bachelor.  He became Drew Right Reasons.  (Bachelor historical note: the snitch character has never won).  Drew Who...prepare to fail.

Nevertheless, Drew Who gets a date rose (but I'll bet he's not in the final three).

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Chris, #, Domer Mike, James, and Juan Pablo Montoya

The date theme is futbol.  Juan Pablo, the former professional soccer player, might have a slight advantage.

Domer Mike started the date wearing a headband.  Terrible.

Des brought out her team, five professional female soccer players.  The guys, 5 out of 6 not professional soccer players, were wildly overconfident (and a bit misogynistic).  After falling behind 2-0, Des's team of pros went full-Wambach and dominated the men.

During the evening portion of the date, Chris made the wise choice not to discuss James's issues, but rather to focus on his poetry connection with Des.  They are developing a little thing where they write each other poems.  This guy is a lock for the final three.

Domer Mike  and # decided to confront James.  When # confronted James about his desire to be the next Bachelor, James issued a wholesale denial.  Domer Mike (he's a prosecutor..don't lie to him) jumped in and did a rather weak cross-examination of James (#IMHO).  James won the argument, not with logic, but with 'roid rage.  Works every time...believe me...it's my style too.

Des decided not to give out the rose because of all the drama with James.  When confronted by Des, James once again denied saying that he is in good position to become the next Bachelor.  James then cried (and said he had a headache...poor baby James).  Des, seemingly overwhelmed, could not make a decision about James.  At this point, Fleiss and Co. stepped in (behind the scenes of course), and demanded James stay on the show.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new villain less than one episode after Father Ben's exit.

James shocked the men by returning to the house.  In what might go down as a top-10 Bachelor moment, James simply said, "Gentlemen....good night."  Good day, sir.  GOOD DAY, SIR.

Solo Date #2: Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak and Des went to an art studio and decided to draw each other.  Zak made Des look like a zombie.  This was Des's portrait of Zak:

The color: Carmelo

Maybe we should call this guy Orange Zak.  Whoa spray tan!

After a make-out session in a wine cave, Des gave Shirtless Zak a rose.  Maybe it's his independent spirit.  Maybe it's the fact that his parents have been married for "31, 32, or 33 years."  Maybe it's his hue.  Maybe it's his wild eyes.  Whatever it is, Shirtless Zak is succeeding for all the right reasons.  

Rose Ceremony

Before giving out roses, Des pulled James aside, stating that she just has to send him home.  Before Des could send him home, James apologized and said he is falling for her.  Des fell for it (Fleiss and Co...you are magic).  

Sidenote: when James stood up after the conversation, the front of his lavender shirt was sweat stained.  He appeared to walk straight to the house, but when he walked in...same shirt...no stains.  See, I told you Fleiss and Co. are magic.  

Back at the house, James stuck by his position that the "worst-case scenario is that he ends up as the Bachelor."  The remaining guys were flabbergasted about how he could take that stance.  James pointed out that he is more in touch with reality.  Though I believe that this show is the search for true love, James kind of has a point.  

Joining Drew Who and Shirtless Zak with roses were:

Chris

Hockey Hair Brooks

Domer Mike (oh come on..you have to be kidding me).

Goodbye Juan Pablo (we never got enough of this guy), #, and James (Domer Mike declares this...case closed).  

Until next week in, Madeira!  Huh....where?  Oh...off the coast of Portugal, you say?  HOORAY!

The Bachelorette Episode 5: Say Yes to the Des

The show opened with previews for the drama filled night but Munich was the real star of the episode.

We join Des on her first trip to Europe with three dates: A One-on-One, Group, and the dreaded Two-on-One. Chris Harrison flexes his bilingual muscles and welcomes the guys to Germany. Drew wanted everyone to know his appropriate and favorite song.

Chris gets the first One-on-One and is having a true bounceback season. I'm willing to call Chris the single most-improved player during one season in Bachelor/ette history. However, as Paul George (who did he lose to?) can tell you, no NBA most improved player award recipient has ever won an NBA title. Does that mean Chris is doomed?

Bryden's breaking down explaining that Des' kind words in the Jersey Shore were not enough: "A quick little bandaid over a deeper wound." Yikes, hyperbole. Bryden is always thinking about Des and assumes she'd like to know about his decision to go home as soon as possible - even during her date with Chris.

Rain causes some technical issues in the Dugan house but here are my thoughts:

• Chris rocked a sausage store
• They went to try on German clothes. This is a fairly regular event for Bachelor/ettes. Readers, do you often go on dates where you try on traditional dress of the region you are visiting? I have NEVER done this. Has anyone? Do Fleiss & Co. believe the viewer finds this interesting?
• Bryden interrupts with one of the worst scripted moments in Bachelor history. Going around walking trying to find television cameras while being followed by television cameras. I wanted every single German who he asked to point at the fucking camera five feet from him as he was asking where the TV camera was.
• Pretzels and giant beers look amazing.

Zugspitze Group Date 

Juan Pablo, Big Jim, #, Shirtless Zak, Hockey Hair, and NYC Mikey trek the Highest Peak in all of Germany. The date meant that Domer Mike and Ben would have the Two-On-One and caused Domer Mike to get his game face on declaring that he will have to murder Ben. At this point, I became distracted from the group date trying to determine the number of murders in Germany and just how much Domer Mike would stand out for such an act. Here's the group date highlights:

• An ancient, misogynist yodeler tries to teach the guys yodeling tricks.
• The guys sled down the hill as NYC Mikey explains "This is no bunny hill."
• Zak drops a gem of a quote: "Love is like sledding down this hill." He really said that.
• Shirtless Zak could have been Father Zak.
• James is a favorite and some of the guys are starting to notice.
• Brooks gets the rose.

Domer Mike's Miami Heat Date, Wait what?

The Date Card asks Ben and Miami's Domer Mike to Heat things up. Oh, come on. Domer Mike Heat. . Miami Heat. Boom.

Domer Mike is in full on gladiator mode entering as the underdog against villain Father Ben. Mike brings up murder, Armageddon, and details his goals: "Ready to send this fucker home.”

The most reliable stats I could find shows that Germany had about 690 murders in a calendar year. Chicago had 506 last year. Mike, please don't murder anyone over Des. It’s depressing looking up the murder rate of US cities compared to Germany. Also, its frustrating that Domer Mike seems willing to sully the name of Domers, Floridians, Attorneys, etc for Des.

Some more quick-fire thoughts on the date:

• Polar Bear Plunge Psycheout! It's a Hot Tug where you are in a hot tub/boat contraption. 
• Mike is pretty fired up and on the offensive. Never mind, he's just offensive. 
• Mike calls out Father Ben's fathering, friendship and mass attendance skills.
• Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew and # are having a "Here for the Right Reasons" discussion. DRINK. It centers on bad boys NYC Mikey and James.
• Only a Domer would call out someone for missing mass. This is getting ridiculous.
• YET! It secures a rose. Father Ben is probably the only person that could have lost to Mike on this date. I've never seen a less likable performance secure the rose on the two-on-one.
• "That shocks me,” Mrs. Dugan.

Non-Cocktail Rose Ceremony

Chris H. wants Des to kiss and tell, but she doesn't take the bait. Chris, Hockey Hair (Congrats Blackhawks) and Domer Mike are safe with Roses.

Who is joining them? 

• Shirtless Zak
• #
• Juan Pablo (Has he been on a date this season?)
• Drew...and
• Big Jim.

Goodbye NYC Mikey from Chicago. Until next week in Barthelona.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Say Yes to the Des

I'm often asked, "How can you possibly watch the Bachelorette?"  I always respond, "Because it's the search for true love."  In a world of global warming, NSA spying, and Miss Utah, you and I need ABC, Chris B. Harrison, and roses.  One of these guys could someday, maybe be Des's husband.  That's true love.  Maybe.

With that said (and the ice cream and whiskey to my right and Mrs. Wags to my left), let the show begin:

But before the show began, ABC let us know that the "hottest new show" is coming up after the Bachelorette.  It's called Mistresses.  Newsflash ABC: Game of Thrones is the hottest show.

Now let the show begin. Des has left Los Angeles.  The guys are following on a trip around the WORLD.  First stop....rainy Atlantic City!  Next stop...Tallahassee, Florida!  (credit Mrs. Wags with the joke).  Mikey T., predictably, was the most excited for Atlantic City.  Hopefully Snooki is a surprise guest.

Solo Date #1: Brad Who?

The date started off with a trip the boardwalk and some candy tasting.  Des loved that Brad "just rolled with it."  Carnival rides and candy tasting?  Brad, you're so brave to just roll with that high stress date.

The date continued to a sand castle picnic and then dinner. Brad Who backs up his nickname by being incredibly boring in conversation.  This guy should not get a rose.

Confession: I am watching this date rather than the Giants game.

p.s. Confession: I stopped paying attention to this date to check the Giants score.  3-1 lead....hum baby!

Des proved that this is the search for true love by sending Brad Who home.  Sadly, we may never know who he really was.

It's not easy to be a single dad.

Group Date: Hockey Hair Brooks, Bryden, Big Zack, #Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak, Mikey, Father Ben, Domer Mike, and Chris

The group date began in Boardwalk Hall, the future site of the Miss America Pageant.  Sadly, Domer Mike continued to embarrass fellow Domers by saying that he dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid.

Domer Mike would get his chance on this date because the guys competed in a Mr. America pageant.

Not only did the guys have to answer interview questions and show off their (lack of) talent, but they also had to wear "mankinis...you know...banana hammocks."  Yes, Drew, we get it.

WHODUNNIT?

Now that we're back from commercial, let the show begin.  The crowd looked alarmingly similar to the "After the Final Rose" crowd.  See below if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Crowd

In the talent portion, every guy was a complete clown....until Shirtless Zak did a very good impersonation of Jack Johnson.  Watch out Wes, Shirtless Zak might be the most famous Bachelorette singer-songwriter.

The swimsuit portion proved that all these guys are doing PEDs.

After a three-judge vote, #Casey took the Mr. Bachelor crown, but not necessarily the group date rose.

During the evening portion of the date, I noticed that Bryden's job is listed as "Iraq War Veteran."  I wish he had a funny "slash."  War Veteran/Hairstylist.  War Veteran/Plastic Surgeon.  War Veteran/Veterinarian (Vet Vet).

The coveted group date rose went to Shirtless Zak.  As usual, the victory went to the guy that can play the acoustic guitar.

Solo Date #2: James

James got the first ever "Red Cross" date.  They took a helicopter ride to view the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  I got pretty teary during Beasts of the Southern Wild.  And by teary, I mean I cried.  And by cried, I mean no I didn't.  Okay, yes I did.  So hurricane footage can leave the viewer effected.  On the other hand, hearing Des and James act as spokespeople for Hurricane Sandy awareness is less than persuasive.

The date continued its cheery theme with a tour of a nearly destroyed house.  But Des and James showed how charitable they are by giving up their date so a couple hurricane victims could go to Atlantic City.  Though I'm sure it was really Fleiss and Co's idea, it was a nice moment. I'm not crying. I swear.  I'm just a little choked up.

Fleiss and Co., realizing how boring Des can be, decided to follow Manny and Jan on their Atlantic City date.  This begs the question: why can't next season be The Old Bachelor?  I think it could work!  It would definitely be funny.  Mrs. Wags thinks it should just be called Sweet Old Married Couples Going on Dates.  Of course, it would be followed by WHODUNNIT?

The date ended, not with Snooki, but with Hootie.  I was envious.  I'm such a baby cause the dolphins make me cry.

Though he admitted he once cheated, James appropriately got a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden announced to the guys that he might be leaving.  Bryden confessed to Des that he thinks their relationship should be farther (or is it further) along.  How great is this show?  If you don't think this show is the search for true love, then you clearly WHODUNNIT!?

Joining earlier rose recipients Shirtless Zak and James were: Chris, Hockey Hair Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Really?, Domer Mike, Father Ben, #Kasey, Bryden, and NYC Mikey.

Unfortunately, Big Zack now has to go back to his job at the toy store.

Until next week in Cleveland...I mean, Munich.  Auf wiedersehen.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Say Yes to the Des

Harrison begins the show letting the guys know there will be three dates this week: 2 Group Thangs and a One-on-One.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge with Group Date Dodgeball

I'm going to run down the aka Love is a Battlefield  date (nice shout out to blog readers) guys since we are all still learning to differentiate: 1) Chris the mortgage broker who brings the pun, 2) Drew who I can’t figure out, 3) Prosecuting Domer Michael, 4) Velvet Blazer Brian from Baltimore, 5) Hockey Hair Brooks, 6) Brad, 7) NYC Mikey, 8) Brandon (who reminds everyone of Guard and Protect your Heart Kasey and I will now combine Guard and Protect Your Heart and Brandon to form GHB), 9) Big, and 10) Father Ben.

Looking at this group, you had to like NYC Mikey due to sheer size, GHB due to the crazy factor and BIG since he’s a kid in an adult’s body.

They first team the guys up against dodgeball pros and Domer Mike is intimidated. Let that soak in. Domer Mike's a federal prosecutor in Miami. These dodgeball experts must have been RUTHLESS. After the  target practice, guys are broken up into teams.

• Red team: NYC Mikey, Domer Mike, Hocker Hair, Chris, and GHB
• Blue team: Drew, Brian, Brad, Big, and Father Ben

After some nice back-and-forth action, we have an injury. We know hockey players are tough, but alas, Brooks has Hockey Hair but not a Hockey mentality.

We have our first EMT sighting of the year (shotgun) and I have some HIPAA concerns as Brooks answers medical questions with the cameras rolling.

After Party

•  Accountant Brad (Who but not Dr. Who?) gets one-on-one time
• Drops kid news - has a 3 yr old son, Maddox.
• Drops a tired line - anyone but you and I wouldn't have come on the show…
• Raising kid by myself - admirable
• Ex has drinking problems - interesting turn here.
• Arrested for domestic violence, faught, and had charges dismissed
• This is NOT first conversation material.
• Mortgage Broker Chris found the helipad.
• Brooks is raises from the dead.

“Bizarre News about one of your Guys”

That's how Harrison breaks some interesting news for Des. A dishonest man! Shocked. Turns out that Brian is a velvet blazer wearing liar. Des confronts. Past relationship was a “short time ago.” We'll find out how short soon. Brian's very recent ex Stephanie, a Des Doppelganger, shows up to confront Brian.

Velvet’s reaction to her arrival, “Oh Geez.” Is there a better reaction to being confronted by an ex? LOVE IT. Could be quote of the year material for me.

You know who else is shocked that a guy may not be telling the truth about his previous relationships on a dating reality show? Drew. Thanks for being you, Drew.

Velvet told his ex he had a “a business meeting” in California. Seems plausible. Turns out they slept together 2 days before coming out to tape the show. Mrs. Dugan and I agreed that 2 days is not enough time to be taken seriously. 2 years, obviously ok. 2 months? 2 weeks? Somewhere in between. What say you, faithful WWT readers? What is the acceptable length of time you can be intimate before entering the Bachelor mansion looking for love?

Velvet Brian was not "here for the right reasons.” DRINK!

• Hashtag's here for the rights reasons (hereinafter "HFTRR"). DRINK.
• GHB cries about the men he’s fallen in love with who have left him. This is so weird.
• Shirtless Zak’s HFTRR. DRINK.

Hashtag and #TheWorstDateEver

Circue De Sunset Strip. (Insert metaphors re support and relationships and heights #lame). Date is not going well and Des doesn’t think it’s Hashtag’s fault #yesitis. The wind hates hashtag #thatmeansGoddoesntlikeyou.

Gets a rose. #how?

Young Guns

Dryden, James, Lou Diamond Phillips, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak and Dr. Who bolster a infomercial for the Lone Ranger movie while trying to impress Des.

Here's the highlights:

• James is large and the guys felt bad for the horse.
• Montana Bryden and Texas Zak looked the most comfortable.
• Dr. Who lost his pants.
• Juan Pablo spoke Spanish the whole time. Cue spanish guitars. Thank you Fleiss & Co.
• James secured a rose.

Pool Party

• Villian Father Ben moves aggresively for some one-on-one time.
• Drew wants Des to know she can talk to him. Especially with updates on the guys. Be you, Drew.
• Mikey T, James and Domer Mike are gathering momentum as the Anti-Father Ben crowd.
• GHB is not stable. He brings up his single mom and the men coming in and out of his life. GHB offering promises he won't hurt her. Just say you'll guard and protect her heart. He's "falling in love." So awkward.

Rose Ceremony

• GHB confident
• Domer Mike focused on Father Ben
• Velvet Blazer Brian already gone.
• Hashtag, Big Pun (Chris needs a nickname) and Big Jim are safe.

 Who else is safe?

• Brayden
• Juan Pablo
• Shirtless Zak
• Hockey Hair
• Drew…come on, really?
• BIG
• Brad who?
• Domer Mike
• NYC Mikey
• Father Ben

Goodbye to Dr. Who and formerly confidant GHB. Beware Drew and Brad…you don’t have nicknames and your kind is dwindling. Dr. Who takes it well. GHB, predictably, does not. Tears. In love. Heart smashed with a hammer. “I’m just…I’m just out of tears.”

Until next week’s Boardwalk Empire/Jersey Shore mashup with Wags.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Say Yes to (Rapping with) Des

Dugan's premiere recap is a tough act to follow.  With the right amount of scotch and pie, I will try to at least take him to a game seven.

The preview showed that the guys will be filming a rap video and yelling at Father Ben, this year's villain.  Episode two has major potential (for the audience).

First Solo Date: Brook(e)(s)

Confession: I had to rewind to hear if his name is Brooks or Brook.  Or is it Brooke?  Wait...is Brooke a ladies' name?  More scotch will help me answer these questions.

Brooks and Des took a trip along the coast in the ugliest Bentley automobile ever made.  Des should have kept the Honda.

Des took Brooks to a bridal salon.  They played dress up.  Des said she wanted to be "spontaneous" on their date by wearing the bridal apparel outside the store.  Does Des know what spontaneous means?  If she did, she would know that nothing on the Bachelorette happens organically?  Fleiss and Co. just would not stand for it.

Des and Brooks then got spontaneously sit on the famous Hollywood sign.  But in the end, Brooks got the first kiss.   How about that for spontaneity?  Now who looks like a cynic?

I have full rights to use this photo.  Courtesy of President Lincoln.

After another product placementy drive through LA at night, Brooks and Des had a romantic dinner.  Des asked how Brooks deals with commitment, seeing as his parents are divorced.  Brooks then confessed that he basically hates his dad.  Please let Brooks get a hometown date!  During his down time at the house, Brooks should take some guitar lessons:

I have no rights to this photo.

After dinner in the LA smog, Fleiss and Co. continued the tradition of having a vanilla band play a private concert.  This year, Andy Grammer did the honors.  Every single piece of information on his Wikipedia page was news to me.  Should I know who this guy is?

After this date, Brooks is looking like an early favorite, and has a rose to prove it.

Group Date: Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K., Wayne Borat Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zakkk, Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben (and maybe some other guys)

The group date, which supposedly includes shooting a rap video, is going to take place at...a winery!?  Now that I think about it, was California Love shot at a winery?  Maybe a post-apocalyptic winery.

Soulja Boy aka Sell Out Boy showed up to teach the guys.  Most of the guys were back up dancers.  Some had to rap with lyrics about previous infamous contestants on the Bachelor.  

Michael G. called himself the "whitest white boy there is."  Go Irish!  (Truth be told, his rap about Mesnick was actually pretty entertaining).  

Brandon, rapping pantsless, took himself much too seriously, and kept messing up his lyrics.  Don't worry Michael G., Brandon proved to be the whitest of the white boys.  

In the end, Soulja and the Boys were rather boring.  But, hey, maybe I'll buy a Soulja Boy album now...hold on...is this in-show advertising working!?

Later in the night, Zak with No C and No Shirt gave Des an antique journal with an inscription from some random father to his daughter.  Des loved it.  Good work Zak!  Buy a used book with an inscription meant for someone else and have the Bachelorette love it.  This guy is a professional.  

Father Ben pulled Des aside, drawing the ire of the other guys.  Assuming this guy becomes the villain as expected, he seems like he might be the nicest villain in show history: loves his son, asks permission to give her a kiss, and tucks in his polo shirt.  I prefer my villains with more skeletons in the closet.  

Brandon, stealing a page out of Hockey Hair Brooks's playbook, emotionally confessed to Des that his dad left when he was five and his mom was a drug addict.  Brandon was highly emotional, saying he did not expect to "fall in like" with her so soon.  For saying that, Brandon, you are my villain.  

Ben got the date rose.  All of the guys still see him as he villain.  

Solo Date: Bryden

Bryden also got to take a trip in the Busted Bentley.

The first road trip stop was on Matador Beach.  They had fish tacos.  That's what I'm talking about.
Next stop, Coconut Grove to visit an orange grove.
Next stop, Ojai to visit a spa.  (also the first Bachelor dramatic/romantic background music we've heard...this bodes well for Bryden)

During their evening dinner at the spa, Bryden admitted that he almost died in a car accident...and he had the red asphalt photos of himself to prove it.  If you qualify to be a contestant on this show, you're life has probably had a rough patch: absent fathers, drug addicted mothers, attending Notre Dame, or near-death car accident.

Predictably, Bryden got a date rose.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Michael G. confessed to Des that he has diabetes.  Add that on the "rough patch" list.  While telling his deepest secret, Father Ben "swooped" in and interrupted Michael G.  Cue villain music.  Like bunting in the 9th inning of a no-hit bid, taking time with the Bachelorette when you already have a rose will get you a bean ball in your next at-bat.

This is a picture of a baseball hitting this guy in the face.

A few of the guys unconvincingly confronted Father Ben.  I'm going to need to see some more offensive behavior from Ben before I dislike the guy.  He just seems like a bit of a dweeb.  

Joining Hockey Hair Brooks, Father Ben, and Bryden with roses were:

James the Undertaker

Casey

Dr. Who (Dan)

Juan Pablo (*Des asked if Juan Pablo "aceptas las rosas?" - - - we're entering Ali and Ro-Ber-To territory)

Brad

Chris

Brian

Zak with No C and No Shirt

Drew

Mikey

Big (Zack K)

Michael - Go Irish!

Brandon

Goodbye Wayne Borat Will (low five on the way out the door from me), Robert Sign Spinner, and Nick M.

Until next week, with hopefully less rapping.

 

The Bachelorette: Say Yes to the Des Premiere

We begin, as usual, with a season preview montage about all the drama on the upcoming season. But, it's really only important that you remember there are a lot of bros and that bros are ultra competitive about stupid things. I am not saying that love is stupid, but game show love is pretty silly to be competitive about. Also, this is a first. One of the bachelors has been in my kitchen. (See reference). More on his memorable premiere later.

Des pulls up to the Bachelorette mansion in a nice 2 door 94 Honda, I remember those cars vividly because 40% of my friends in high school drove that exact car..…rags to riches angle? BINGO. 

But I feel they didn't bring up the best argument for her hard luck childhood. Instead of going straight for the jugular with children's pictures and stories of their homelessness, they centered on the fact she grew up in an apartment. YES. The horror. She didn't have a single family home. That is rough.

So she's in the new Bachelorette diggs...She only needs a man now. So they bring her Bentley. Bentley's back?!? Oh, a Bentley automobile. Upgrade. I also hope this is incredible foreshadowing by Mike Fleiss and Co.

One on One w/ Harrison

• What does she want out of this? 
• "I want a communicator and companionship." Is this the first lesbian season ever? Honestly, there is no chance any of the guys looking to be on this show included that in their "wants"
•  What is she looking forward to?
• "I’m looking forward to when someone I love is on their knees…" You too, Des?

Guy Intros

• We meet a Missoula, Montana military man named Bryden who's really into his dog. I feel like we have another "guard and protect your heart" character in the making. Also, "Bryden" is a good example of where names are heading in our near future. We are now into fucked up white people's names. Congrats, you're all dumb. I know a guy who loved his dog. Timmy and Lassie. I'll call you Timmy.

• Wayne Brady is a 28 year old banker from Chicago, does bikram yoga, and high fives little, old white ladies in the street.
• Drew, like 75% of this year's contestants is in digital marketing, is from Scottsdale, grew up in a divorced home, had an alcoholic father, and severely handicapped sister. Yikes, we'll just call you Drew, you've been through enough...for now.
• Nick R. is a tailor/magician. It's not possible to picture a magician going far. Kids are into magic. Women looking to settle down are not.
• Zak (honestly with that spelling?) is from Mico, Texas and hates shirts.
• Sign Spinner invented sign spinning and has a one eyed dog.
• Mike is a Dental Student. Since they didn't invest in the back story and claim he's a dentist, his chances don't look good.
• Brandon is a painter. He's a bit of a meathead so he isn't getting a cool painter nickname like Bob Ross or Dali. Also has abandonement and addiction issues. So add in sniffing paint all day and this guy's going places.

Let's Get to the Limos. 

While I may be harsh in some of my treatment of these guys, I really do feel for them. It has to be incredibly awkward to get out of these limos and try to be remembered from the group of Jimmies and Joes.

Limo 1

• Drew, Digital Marketing Entreprenuer, did nothing memorable.
• Brooks, the Marketing Consultant from SLC has hockey hair.
• Brad, an Accountant from Denver, did a lame wishbone intro.
• Timmy didn't bring Lassie.
• Michael, Domer #1 on the show and fellow member of the South Florida bar, does a penny trick that gets awkward. His awkward entry looks like ND's perfect regular season when compared to Domer #2's entrance minutes later.

 Limo 2

• Hashtag is an advertising executive who's really into social media #hashtag #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin #YOUHAVENOCHANCE
• Wayne Brady is still high fiving everything in sight, calls her Athena. If the high fives continue, Wayne Brady will become Wayne Borat.

• Yo, Mikey T. is a fucking plumber from the Bronx...errr Illinois.
• Jon is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who is about to very embarrassed about his behavior. Jon asked Des if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with him. DENIED. But he'd have to get denied a few more times before eventually being asked to leave. Congrats! I hope you work in criminal defense.
• Zak Abs is not a real person, nor did he write the line handed to him by Fleiss & Co, "Will you accept these abs?”

Limo 3

• James is an odd advertising executive from Chicago who gives a talk about loyalty.
• Larry B., Domer #2, is an ER doctor from Berkley.

• Stream of consciousness. I know Larry. He came to my house on spring break. He's a nice enough guy, smart, hard working...can be socially awkward. Can be charming. This season is going to be hilarious. Oh fuck, nevermind. He tries to dance and almost kills her. Only socially awkward Larry came through.
• Nick R. is a Magician (see above) that doesn't need a nickname because he won't be around long.
• Zack is rocking the vans/tux look, is a book publisher and wow, this guy looks like a grown up kid. He looks like a 12 year old that switched bodies with an adult. It's creepy. Your name is BIG.
• Sir Crazy Lot (thank you guys inside the house) comes out in full knight regalia. The girls pull these stunts on the Bachelor and the guy only cares if the girl is hot or not. Guys doing stunts is pathetic and will get most of them booted (see below).

Limo 4 (must have been huge)

•  Chris is a Mortgage Broker from Seattle. Feigning a proposal on his knees, he asks if he can tie his shoe...and explains he wanted to get off on the right foot…PUNS will get you places with Dugan, sir.
• Mike R, the Dental Student, from Texas. 
• Sign Spinner who doesn't like ties.
• Does he really believe he invented spinning a sign?
• Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who Des approves of. The nicknames are needed to differentiate the Robs from the Mikes from the Joes. I think if we write "Juan Pablo" our readers won't have trouble recognizing him as the former Venzuelan soccer star.
• Hat tip to Fleiss & Co. for the spanish guitar in the background.
• Eveil Kneivel Bob Ross Brandon Dali gets off his motorcycle and doesn't know if he's from California or Minneapolis.
• Brian is in Finance in Baltimore (= drug dealer)
• More important, he wore jeans and a velvet blazer
• Micah is a law student from Denver. The only thing more annoying than lawyers are law students. God they are insufferable.
• Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte (= sells insurance).
• Dan sells booze in Vegas. I should have more to say but he did nothing.
• Ben is an entreprenuer from Dallas (unemployed). Uses his cute kid as a prop. I can pull that move. It's a cheap trick.

Introduction Party

• Magician gets the first one on one time
• Painter comes in quick. Giving away mother’s sobriety coin. And dumped his grandparents for a phone interview to get on the show. Are these first date discussions?
• Rose envy.
• Lots of cities being mentioned.
• Interruptions.
• NYC Mikey is NOT from NYC.
• Ben may have a cute kid but he doesn't sit like a straight man.

• Ben still gets a rose.
• Shirtless Zak still thinks he has a chance.
• Holy shit he got a rose.
• Timmy is still talking about his best friend, Lassie.
• Juan Pablo turns the odds in his favor with a little game of futbol.
• Drew talks about his crazy butterflies, how he's fidgety, and can’t help but smile around Des. Drew probably sits like Ben.
• Larry
• Trying to undo the dip
• Socially awkward
• Creepster
• Feels good he is not fantasy suite man
• Fantasy suite man says the following things in a very short time frame
• is nothing like Sean
• has no filter
• has got a very large love tank. A WHAT?
• thinks he's a pretty good catch which is confirmed by his own mother
• has a love tank that has not been depleted in years...  

AND SOME OF YOU DONT LIKE THIS SHOW?!?!?!

Rose Ceremony

Painter Brandon

BIG – Zack K.

Wayne Brady

Hockey Hair Brooks

Juan Pablo 

Brad

Hashtag

James – The Undertaker

Sign Spinner

Brian who kinds of looks like SNL's Will Forte

Dan – Dr. WHO becuase I have no clue who this is and I have a blog about the show. For real, dude.

Chris

NYC Mikey

Who have we lost?

Fantasy Suite Lawyer?

Law Student

Magician

Dr. Larry

The Brave Knight Diogo

Have we ever lost such a bountiful source of blogging material in the opening episode? Fantasy Suite Lawyer, Dr. Larry and a Magician walk into a bar... 

Until next week when we big with the hot tubs, helicopters and private islands with Wags.