Bachelor News: Getting Cut on Day 1 is the Path to True Love

Okay, I get it, that was too long of a title.  But what else is there to say about a Dugan home state wedding between two contestants no one will remember?

Here's the link from the Pulitzer worthy St. Augustime Record.

St. Augustine, the oldest city in the United States, was founded in 1565.  It is also home to Flagler College and a great city to visit.

Meet the new Bachelor, Same as the old Bachelor.

How apropos Mr. Townshend.  You must have been thinking about ABC's little ditty when you wrote "Won't get Fooled Again" in 1971.  Well, ladies and gents, looks like Brad Womack is back on the Bachelor.

What does WWT think of the new selection? Meh. It's all about the toxic group of young women that will vie for the Bartender's Bounty. Let's meet the ladies and hope for some Michelles, Elizabeths and the like. Now, we can move on to more important items like Wags' long overdue post for Mikeysmalz as Tank Bachelor and our continued series of all time favorite Bachelor/ette moments.

Bachelor Pad Word of the Day (Vol 6)

stu·pid [stoo-pid] adjective, -er, -est, noun –adjective

1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.

3. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

4.*

* On this week's episode, Dave and Natalie went on a one-on-one date.  The card said something bachelor/etteific along the lines of "out of this world" or "under the stars."  As most of the other contestants hypothesized a camping or realistic such guess, Tenley's best guess was the space shuttle. Yes, Tenley dear, after such high budget competitions as pie-eating and kissing contests, oversized twister, etc., ABC decided to spring for the space shuttle for Dave and Natalie.

Bachelor Pad How I Love Thee

1) This show rocks and is so much more interesting than the Bachelor/ette. I think this is mostly because there is far less dialogue.

2) The dynamic Chris Harrison/Melissa due is the opposite of dynamic, more like the Chris Harrison carrying the team duo ... or something.

3) ABC did such an excellent job picking these fine characters and grooming them by sending them on co-ed trips to create sufficient relationship history, such as Blonde/Brunette Elizabeth & Jesse Kovacs. I'll stop at 3 in case any of the contestants of the Pad are reading. I don't want the math to get too complicated. So, I left off with Kovacs, which leads me to my unrelated point .....

Jesse Kovacs has a family winery. The website is a rediculous cross promotion of the winery and his appearances on the Bachelorette Season 5 and the Bachelor Pad.

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not even slightly interested in this winery because this kid is involved. However, watching the Pad definitely makes me want to drink. Hmmmm. I'll tell you what I am interested in .... how much emotional pain he will endure at the hands of Elizabeth. Incredible.

Also, these remarkable Kovacs brothers "wrote" a book.

(If you want real wine from a family winery that cares about the product ... check out these guys. Seriously, that's good wine.)

Bachelor Pad Word of the Day (Vol 5)

Weatherman: [weth-er-man] -noun, plural -men

1. a person who forecasts and reports the weather; meteorologist

2. 

3.

4.

5.

Bachelor Pad Word of the Day (Vol 4 - Urban Dictionary Edition)

FREE-SPIRITED. Noun.

1. Someone who cannot be tamed; untame; stubborn...

2. A nice way of calling someone a slut. The labled person, either a male or female, has a "free spirit" and thus is not grounded by society's disapproval of having several sexual partners. Also referred to as free.

I agree with you that Laurie is attractive and might make a nice girlfriend, but, uh, how should I put this...she's very free-spirited.

3. 

Bachelor Pad Word of the Day (Vol3)

CLASH (klash) v. clashed, clash·ing, clash·es

v.intr.

1: To come into conflict; be in opposition:

2: To create an unpleasant visual impression when placed together: colors that clash.

3:

Bachelor Pad Word of The Day (Vol2)

REGRET [ri-ˈgret] verb. Inflected Form(s): re·gret·ted; re·gret·ting

1 a : to mourn the loss or death of b : to miss very much
2 : to be very sorry for [regrets his mistake]
3:

Episode I: Step aside, Michelle.

Crazy [krey-zee] adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural -zies.

1. mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2. senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.

The Most Romantic Sonnet in History

Like the Finale of the most romantic bachelorette finale in history, this 'ode to Roberto' in bastardized iambic pentameter is brought to us by Old Navy's Bootylicious Line of Jeans.

THE RIGHT REASONS

The first impression rose, this guy didn't cry
They share a catch and a close baseball swing
He sings off key but looks into her eye
He's thinking, "I Just Can't Wait to Be King."

He wrestled droopy dog and though he lost
Droops won the date but then got sent back home
His face was swollen from when he was tossed
And could not avoid the dreaded friend zone

In Tahiti, though sweaty lips and cheeks
Roberto, on bent knee, told his girl how
Love's found Ali in brief hours and weeks
But what about what's up with his eye brow? With his love, Ali will want for nuthin'
And Al can help Rob with his top button.

Yo...Creo...Que....Me Encanto...La Bacheloretta.

As Dugan wisely said, we have reached our Super Bowl, the finale of the Bachelorette.

Roberto Meets Ali's Family

Ali's family is shockingly unattractive. She's obviously gone Hollywood while her family has stayed Amish.

Ali's Mom dropped some Espanol on Roberto. She also asks for Salsa dancing lessons. It seemed a little much when she asked if he could make some fajitas for the family. I thought it was especially inappropriate when she asked for the fajitas to be "Chili's style."

Ali's Dad "doesn't see a problem" with Roberto proposing to Ali. That's not exactly the vote of confidence that Roberto was hoping for. I don't see a problem with Parmesan cheese on my pasta. I don't see a problem with fast-forwarding through commercials.

Roberto whispers "adios" to Ali as he leaves. Liz thinks that was a real Enrique Iglesias-esque move.


Chris Meets Ali's Family

Chris seems to have huge Massachusetts advantage. The Amish love Chris L.

Not so shockingly, Ali's Dad was a high school physics teacher. Her Dad could really be a high school Physics teacher model. When I googled "high school physics teacher," a picture of Ali's Dad popped up!!!
Ali's brother reminds me of the younger brother from wedding crashers.

We've been reminded on this date that Chris L. is emotionally fragile. At work, we sometimes tell potential jurors that this is just not the right case for them. In much the same way, this was just not the right show for Chris L. He'd be better off on Dr. Phil.

Individual Moments

Roberto was confident he was going to win because it rained on his date with Ali. Sorry Roberto, Bora Bora has a rainy season that lasts from APRIL THROUGH OCTOBER.

Ali confirmed that the Roberto is not her type, saying that she never thought she would be interested in a guy that looked like him (aka knows how to speak Spanish). This just goes to show that our theory was correct that Mike Fleiss forced Roberto, a solid contestant, on Ali.

Ali informed Chris that the journey is coming to an end the next day and "she doesn't know what to do." This looked like a breakup when it started and then it became a breakup. Living up to her cover-of-People-magazine reputation, Ali "broke all the rules." At least Ali learned her lesson from Lebron and broke up with Chris Cleveland in a small press conference in his Bora Bora trailer. Chris basically locked up next-Bachelor status with the grace he handled that breakup.

I'd like to take a brief time out to thank the composer of this series. Whoever this person is, they deserve applause because this show isn't half a dramatic without the emotion-controlling tunes s/he produces.

Thankfully, Chris is comforted by a rainbow from Heaven. I was really excited with how happy that rainbow seemed to make him. Chris was probably not as excited as this guy though:



Si Se Puede

Sadly, we didn't get the dream ending that I had hoped. For a quick few minutes, it looked like Roberto was going to flip the script and reject Ali. That would have been too good to be true. We would have had to call that the reverse-Womack-double-Martinez.

I guess love won after all, and Ali got her "happy ending" (her words, not mine). It's enough to make kings and vagabonds to feel the love tonight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Get Some.

Jersey Shore hits Miami Beach tonight

Bachelor Men Tell All: "What a Dramatic Journey It's Been"

Those were the words Chris Harrison began the men tell all...and probably every "Tell All" episode in Bachelor/ette history. Chris leads us down memory lane with Ali discussing Rated R, Kasey's desire to "guard and protect" her heart, Kirk's exit and Frank's betrayal. There were some major issues preventing the Men Tell All from what it could be.

1. No Frank.

2. No Rated R.

3. No Craig M.

So three main characters were not there and ABC is not going to let Casual Michael Phelps carry two hours of programming.  It led to a lot of Droopy Dog talk. Wait wait wait...no Frank??? Exactly. Long time fans know what's coming next.

Next week's epidode is sure to include a Frank sighting ala Reid in Jillian's season. Or did Frank's girlfriend finally put her foot down and end this nonsense.  

Dugan's favorite part of the episode were the shots taken at Crazy Kasey. Kasey is given the job of WWT's future intern and asked how many times "guard and protect your heart" was said.  "A Couple Hundred," was thrown out there as a plausible answer.

The Bachelor/ette Wo/Men Tell All has also become a concert series. Kasey took the opportunity to belt out a "Kasey song." Please let this guy start his own show with the freaks from American Idol.

Ali's reaction to the singing: "Yeah, it was so awkward."

Ali's reaction to the tatoo: "I felt bad.  I felt bad for him"

Ali's reaction to the Night at the Museum date: "I was trying to call you (Harrison) for help"

It turns out this show has already been on tv.

Other nuggets before we get excited for next week's finale:

• Kirk's scrapbooking kept him longer than he would have.
• Unseen Moments from the show
• Roberto's attempt at popping a cork in Ali's face.
• Frank's dad gives a rambling toast
• Chris N as "The Phantom"
• Roberto in Portugal was apparrantly played by Ace Ventura (pictured below)

Enter The Men.

And they continue the Kasey Pile on.

Kirk: “he was in love with Ali before he met her.”

Ty: “this kid’s freaking crazy.” and "This guy is a looney tune."

Droopy Dog: “this kid is fucking nuts.”

Speaking of...

Kasey's response to all these attacks: "I was myself."  He doesn't get that his self is crazy.  Some part (ok a large part) of Dugan wants Kasey and the Phantom, aka the Riddler, aka the Orlando Entreprenuer/Entertainer to become superheroes that go around saving Reality Starlettes from the Frank and Rated R's of Reality TV world.

Kirk's time to shine...oh wait, no. His time to continue talking about his sickness.

Kirk's illness defines him. And from now on, that bad sickness that everyone gets in college - whether it be a cold like Kirk, mono, or even herpes...the worst sickness you get while in college shall forever be called "Kirk's disease." Luckily, Ali cured Kirk from Kirk's and he can love again.

Jessie returns from wherever former contestants are held.

Jessie is on the show to explain how she outed fame whore Justin. Jessie, who is the former "Miss Molson Indy Toronto Sports Model Competition Toronto Sun Sunshine Girl" came on her 2nd of 3 reality shows (upcoming Bachelor Pad being the 3rd) to complain about Rated R dating multiple women at home. As Dugan's mother in law pointed out when Frank had a girlfriend back home....ALI HAD TWO OTHER BOYFRIENDS AT THE TIME.  And when Rated R got outed, Ali had a gaggle of men she was dating.  

Jessie's time on the show had a tiger/elin sleaze to it.  Multiple women, facebooks, voicemails, texts.  I needed a shower after this segment.

Some closing thoughts.

Going into next week, we have Roberto and Chris Landscaper.  Mrs. Dugan picked Chris L. to win and Roberto as next Bachelor long ago.  I blogged about a possible Brad Womack ending to the season.  We know one thing. Roberto is the favorite; thus, will not win.  Will Ali pick the life of a perfectly manicured lawn or move to Austin and continue bar hopping with Brad?

Oh, and the Bachelor Pad is going to be awesome.

Least Exciting Episode In Bachelorette History

It took me a couple days to get through this episode. I kept falling asleep. I'm excited about this episode for just one reason, its the first episode that all of the guys I picked to go home on day1 are finally off the show. Other than that this was no doubt the Least Exciting Fantasy Night Suite in bachelorette history!

In order to enjoy this episode of the Bachelorette you need to go into it like you are going into a action packed summer movie blockbuster. You know what's going to happen, just enjoy the ride. Ali get's her mission... should she choose to accept it... Its to fall in love in Tahiti. There are many obstacles in her way, the first one looks like the Verizon guy and, just like his doppelganger, his act jumped the shark a long time ago. The newest 'I'm way in my head made-up issue' he is dealing with is closure with his ex who he hasn't seen in months, but before we meet her Frank needs to walk around the block a few times. Frank's first seen in front of 900 North Michigan Ave, then in front of the Drake, then in front of Georg Jensen, then back in front of 900 NMA... How many times do u think he had to walk in this circle before they wrapped shooting for the day??

Franks goes and visits his ex who apparently lives in a numberless room in a hotel. She 'has no idea what's going on' and then frank talks at her with no real clear indication that he intends to make any sense or complete sentences. When he finally starts getting thoughts out, all he can talk about is his great time with Ali. Lots of awkward silence. She must have had a LOT of botox not to have a confused look on her face. I'm uncomfortable. Oh wait, I think Frank and his ex just got engaged, wtf? And he still gets to go to Tahiti.

Before we get to the drama the will unfold with Frank we need to go on a date with Sweaty Roberto, they go on a helicopter tour of a heart shaped lagoon. Roberto is obviously a fan of the WWT and has seen the founder's of this blogs reactions to people like Break Dancer Mike, who waited too long to pull the L-card. It is not until after the credits roll that we get to see the best part of this date. Ali taking out some hidden aggression on a cocnut with a mechetti and Roberto's reaction of "whoa, I'll be sure not to piss you off"

Chris L get to go on a boat with Ali and instead of just packing his flippy floppies he brings his water socks!?!? Ali says that the date with Chris was "like a metaphor" for their relationship. "It was slow to develop, but if you just wait and giveit some time, kill a bunch of oysters and you may end up with a pearl necklace"

Finally, we get to the built up action packed climax... Frank confronts Ali. But before Frank can garner the power he must seek the advice of Chris Harrirson, who tell Frank, "This is Huge" Thanks Chris. I think Chris is bored with this episode too. Ali starts crying right after Franks say "we need to talk." This is really all you need to say in a break-up. Ali's crying already but Frank continues to talk at her, luckily this time he is fairly coherent. Even though its lame he's waited this long, it's hard to feel bad for someone who just spent two night in the fantasy suite with two different guys.

This episode shines a glaring light on my least favorite aspects of the show A) taking the bachelor/ette from a previous season's loser makes it hard to believe that the center piece of the show is that much of a catch. I'm a huge Ali fan, she's an exponentially better life mate than Jake (as we saw in The Fallout featuring Vienna), yeah she laughs a lot and I've had 'friends' that have broken up with girls for much less but for Frank to get this far and to opt out for an ex is not something that should happen.

B) WHY DON'T WE GET TO SEE MORNING AFTER FANTASY SUITE FOOTAGE??? No one even has to be in the room, just let us see who has disheveled the room more and let us draw our own conclusions.

Good new though, we seem to have a good men tell all on deck: Our fearless host tells TV guide the following.
"First of all, I don't know how much America will hear because we'll have to bleep out 90 percent of what was said. It got heated. I was pleasantly surprised it didn't take long for the guys to really open up about each other, whether it was Weatherman and Craig, or Kasey talking about his tattoos. They were very outspoken about Rated R's moves. And I can definitely tease we have a surprise guest and you're going to learn even more about that situation."


The special guest is almost certainly one of Rated-R's other girl friends. Can't wait for all the Canadians to be back, I've missed them.

Sweet Home Cape Cod/Green Bay/Chicago/Tampa

Now that Lebronchelorette has concluded, we must return to the much less dramatic Bachelorette.

Roberto's Tampa (with Miami music in the background)

Roberto met Ali at the "U." The U of Tampa that is. The University of Tampa has an amazing list of notable alumni. Baseball players Tino Martinez and Lou Piniella (and Roberto of course). Disgraced governor Rod Blagojevich. John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter. And last but certainly not least, professional wrestler Chyna.

Baseball uniforms are the ugliest. Strangely, Ali thinks they are sexy. Roberto has his jersey on with wristbands in case this gets sweaty. Ali plays baseball like Jake throws a football. She holds the bat like a whack-a-mole mallet.

Ali met Roberto's family, the Olgas. Roberto's family seemed as normal as he does. Like most contestants, Roberto needed his Dad's approval. He's an ex-army ranger and wanted to ask Ali a few questions. "Ali, please follow me downstairs to my interrogation room. Don't pay attention to the bright florescent lights."

Roberto got a blessing from his young-looking Mom. She should know a few things about this process since she was on the first season of the Bachelor.

This rather pedestrian date ended with a dance party.

Chris L. - How Cape Cod is this Guy?

Chris L. met Ali on "his beach." What a lucky dude. He informed Ali that he grew up on this beach. The beach was a real trip down memory lane for Chris which of course evokes memories of his mother. These mom memories are hard enough for me to handle, so I can't even imagine what Chris is going through. This is all way too serious for this show and way too serious for WWT.

Chris L.'s Dad finally brought up Ali's deceased Grandma. Ali says she didn't even think about that connection. This seemed like a metaphorical grave trampling by Ali to not even consider the similarity. She tried to do such a hard sell last season on the deceased Grandma story line.


Kirk - Green Bay - Holy Cow!

I guess it seems appropriate that a guy from Green Bay would constantly say Holy Cow.

According to Kirk, his Dad has never spent an entire day with one of Kirk's girlfriends. When his Dad asked Ali, "if she wanted to go see his basement," I got the feeling that he had never spent an entire day with any woman.

Taxidermy is the strangest hobby of all time. And Kirk's Dad is a bizarre taxidermist. He not only stuffs animals, but he also makes creations out of dead animals.

Kirk then brought Ali over to his Mom's house. Continuing with the Wisconsin theme, Kirk's Grandma wanted to make sure that Ali got some of the cheesy potatoes.

As someone who had braces twice, I really feel for Kirk's Mom. She looked like she went to the orthodontist from hell. I actually thought she might not have had braces but was wearing a grill.


Frank - Chicago - "I'm on a Boat"

Frank and Ali started their date on a peaceful boat ride through the city of Chicago. Frank proceeded to ruin the date with WWT-style overanalyzing of his feelings. He has proven himself to be a total head case once again.

Frank's family was really funny. They jokingly predicted Ali would kick Frank to the curb. No wonder Frank has so many issues.

Frank should have taken a trip to wardrobe before his date. I was thoroughly distracted by his V-neck/tank top/sweater combo. Liz commented that Frank looks like he just completed the walk of shame before his date with Ali. Maybe this is also a little foreshadowing of what is to come?




Interview with Harrison

The best interviewer in show business, @chrisbharrison, asked Ali the tough, pointed question about whether her husband was amongst the remaining guys. In a potential foreshadowing moment, Ali seemed to hesitate in giving her answer and was not sure.

Rose Ceremony

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Roberto's tie was loose for the 9th straight time. Frank took over the casual-dressed-male look. Ali had a crying fit about not wanting to send someone home.

Kirk got the boot. He will inevitably blame his taxidermist father.

Le-After-The-Final-Rose

If you are living under a rock, you may not know that LeBron gave out his final rose last night. WWT has all the details that you didn't see on the 1 hour special that is being called the Worst Train Wreck since Robert Martin Sanchez forgot that you shouldn't text and drive trains. By the time the final rose was to be delivered, the Bulls had all but given up and the Knicks were so tired of courting LeBron that they sent a proxy to deliver their final pleas:

"Hey, Can LeBron come out and play?"

Our sources (Chris Harrison) give us insight into what happened next. It was your typical finale, a limo pulls up... and uh oh, Cleveland is out first... could it be that the producers are trying to head-fake us and the first girl out is NOT the loser?? Nope, LeBron's face says its all and Cleveland knows... What happened next Chris? What did you say to them??? Tell us Chris??

LeBron then did the dutiful thing and walked Cleveland to the limo ride home.

He told Cleveland you'll always have my heart.

She responded with:

"Are you serious? I don't want it. I can't believe you would take me to the fantasy suite for 7 years and then break up with me on TV. You are making me feel like a slut and I hate you. I'm going to write letters to all of our mutual friends in crazy font to express what jerk you are." (this was the closest font to Comic Sans that Blogger seems to offer)

LeBron remained cool in front of the camera's but he was clearly shaken by Cleveland's aggression. Chris gave him a second by himself on the balcony to regain his composure.

After some man tears there was not much more to left in the show. 'The Decision' has been made... LeBron chooses Miami, hopefully all the kids stay happy...

LeBron-chelorette Madness!!

Below is the re-cap of the entire season as we head into the FINALE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN WAITING TO SEE. As LeBron gives his final rose of true love Thursday night, 9pm Eastern Time on ESPN.


Episode 1: We start with 30 contestants all vying for the love of a single Basketball Player. Right away, our LeBronchelorette has to eliminate 1/3 of the field and let me tell you it was THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON PREMIERE OF IN LeBRONCHELORETTE HISTORY. The rivalries surface immediately. Two head turners from Florida immediately exchange dirty looks and things escalate when the Miami Heat get the first impression rose. The Lakers don't seem to makes any friends and butt heads frequently with Clips, Celts, Suns and Kings on the first group date. When no one is looking The Celtics push The Lakers into the LeBrea Tar Pits which ends the first group date early with no one getting a rose. On to the first and most legendary cocktail party of all time where the contestants from Detriot and Indiana throw beer on each other and give us our first LeBRONCHELORETTE MELEE! LeBron is not impressed and sends both of them home immediately. No one else is upset about two competitors going home but many of the teams remaining saw the Knicks as an instigator as multiple parties witnessed The Knicks telling both Detriot and Indiana that the other said that "you were kind of b****" Also people began to question if the Knicks were there for the right reasons when they found out the Knicks have their own cable network and they were publically traded. This led the Knicks to be symbolically voted off, and LeBron, as per tradition, gave the Knicks the veto rose to keep them around. An early Raptors exit marked the end of a string of (Le)Brachelor/ettes where we've had entertaining Canadians play a pivotal roll. We're now down to 20 teams:


Episode 2:

The teams wake up early and the Rockets answer the first door bell in the mansion and announce that the first one-on-one date will go to the Hornets. They get to take LeBron to Vegas and LeBron becomes BFFs with their point guard at the Craps tables, the gifted rose at the end of this date is a given after the first 5 minutes of this date. The Grizzled Grizzlies go up against the Dallas Mavericks in the first 2-on-1. LeBron and the Mavs bond over the Cowboys and being rich, the Griz sit on their hands with not a lot to say and get sent home.

The group date brings the rest of the team to a Midnight Rock-n-Roll Bowling. The Cavs get a Turkey and a rose on this group date. The Washington Wizards have emerged as the team that wants to guard and protect LeBron's heart and is highly skeptical of the Knick's intentions.

Everyone is on their best behavior for this Cocktail party for the most part as LeBron has not rewarded the fighters up to this point. However the Knicks antics in the house continue to get under people's skin. This time its the Nuggets that crack. A Nuggets rep slaps the Knicks but then runs away. LeBron sees this and sends the Nuggets home and then cuddles awkwardly with the Knicks after and they talk about how people love to hate on the guy on top. The Bobcats and 76ers get do not get roses as they flew too low under the radar and LeBron didn't feel a relationship developing with them as quickly as he did with other contestants. The Warriors and Hawks are also sent home without a rose, mainly because it would break the laws of nature to see them advance past the 2nd round.

Episode 3:

There are 13 contestants left. LeBron tells us "now this is getting serious. I need to know teams are here for the right reasons." Knock-Knock... Who's there? a 2-1 date for a rose for one of the best NBA Rivalries, the Lakers and Celtics. The helicopter ride to the Catlina Wine Mixer had all the makings of a dream date but the two teams on the date constantly put each other down and belittled each other's accomplishments. This was not a deal breaker for LeBron and at first he seemed to enjoy the competitive juices flowing on the date. However, when it became obvious that they were not doing this to impress him he became disinterested and ended up giving neither team a rose. "The Lakers and Celtics did not tell LeBron he was beautiful once, neither showed remorse for that or for their constant bickering with each other." Maverick Carter told E! News after the show. While Maverick is not on screen because he's not the most attractive individual, one of the conditions of LeBron doing the show was that he be able to have text conversations with him at any time during filming.

The Bulls get a one-on-one date and they go to the Premiere of the new Twilight Movie. LeBron is stoked. They are both Team Edward.

In the cocktail party this time LeBron spends most of the party talking to his new BFF on the Hornets. This makes all the other teams jealous but no one wants to interupt because there is only one team not getting a rose at tonight's ceremony and no one wants to rock the boat. However, LeBron and the Hornets decide in their conversation that while they want to remain great friends, their journey on this show has probably run its course and its best for them to part ways now. They wish each other good luck and we have our first man tears of the season.

Episode 4:

The 10 left get summoned to Larry Flynt's Hustler Casino in Gardina. They are greeted by some of the cast of Basketball Wives and shown to the poker room where each team has a seat at a table with chips ready for them. Its a winner take all Texas Hold'em Tournament for a dream date with LeBron. The Cavs win and say its the best thing they've won since they won the NBA Draft Lottery. Of the 9 contestants left, 4 play in a side game to kill time, the Wizards take the Mavs, Rockets and Spurs for about $25K each provoking the Wiz to taunt with comments like, "I thought you guys invented this game?" The Texas teams did not take kindly to the insults and all decided the game was just for fun and paid up with the fake tournament chips. Wiz reps responded by saying, "Its cool, we've got a gun for each of you" and leaving them out in the bunk bed room. Police swing by the house and pick up the Wiz. The Spurs and Rockets are also collateral damage in this conflict. The Mavs save themselves by telling LeBron that the Oklahoma City Thunder said that they have a player that might already be better than LeBron anyways. LeBron confronted them about saying this and they admitted they said it when they were drunk but wouldn't take it back either. They also insisted it wasn't an insult and that the Mavs were just spinning it to save themselves. Lost in all of this drama is just how much the Clippers really have no shot but have stayed out of the drama.

We're left with LA Clippers, NJ Nyets, Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, Cleavland Cavs, Dallas Mavericks

Episode 5: HOME TOWN DATES

LeBron and Maverick Carter hole themselves up in Cleveland and have the contestants meet them there. The Nets get the first visit and pretty much never considered again. The Mavs have only gotten a phone call contact. The Clips have emerged ed as the Crazy-Eyes of the bunch, convinced they deserved this in life and its their time to get this. All three are sent home roseless.

Episode 6: The Final Four

LeBron just doesn't know... he gives all 4 roses...

The Heat have 'a nice pair of assets' in Wade/Bosh

The Knicks gave the best Business Case (the PPT is basically porn for sports nerds)

The Bulls have the most going for them right now

And the Cavs are home, the safe place and they made a movie using Gladiator quotes and music

Episode 7: Teams Tell All

All of the teams come back talk about their experience wooing LeBron. This is a great re-cap of the drama, the OKC really lay into the Mavs for selling them out, citing Bro-Code. LeBron even makes a little appearance himself... but doesn't offer any hints to who of the final four he chooses. The Nets are also absent, leading to speculation they may still be in the running.

Episode 8: Fantasy Suite Night

The whereabouts of the Suite are unknown to the viewers and seeminly to his final suitors as well. None of the hopefuls have the key or are really invited. However, in a final twist, the remaining of each of the four teams will be armed with $2M in extra cap space to either give to our LeBronchelorette or to other players that will make him happy, how will they communicate their intentions to him. The Bulls do it by signing Carlos Boozer. The Heat are doing it through Bosh/Wade. The Knick have Amar'e and the NY Media. Most Russian spies in America are being sent back to the homeland so that may damper the Nets chances. The reality is no one really knows whats going to happen. The favorite changes hourly.

All of this brings us to tonight's finale: THE FINAL ROSE

What is there left to say but...

Enter Chris Harrison...

"Gentlemen, this is the final Rose... LeBron, whenever you are ready..."

Castle Castle Winery

As we sit down for another week of the bachelor, Mrs. Dugan wanted to recapitulate her picks from opening night: Chris Landscaper to win and Roberto as the next Bachelor. She’s down to 2 of the final 5 so she gets some credit for her Miss Cleoness. Lady Dugan also shared some new Bachelor/ette news. As most of our faithful anticipate the Bachelor Pad show in August, we don’t have to wait that long to get some extra Bachelor/ette fix. In an incredible announcement, the Bachelor Video game drops July 13th. I can only assume it will create the same media firestorm as the Iphone 4.

Let’s get to the rather tame episode, friends.

5 Men Left: Chris L. Roberto, Frank, Kirk, Ty

Roberto’s Castle Date

I assume ABC has blown the show’s budget as they hand Ali and Roberto a digital camera and tell them to have fun on their date. Pictures, dancing in the street, and a picnic at a castle follow. We do learn that Roberto is a Latino Gringo with his lack of knowledge of even the names of the meals his mother cooks him. That’s 4 star gringo action for you. And Dugan understands as a Latino Gringo himself. Ali is still buying what Roberto’s selling and no one would be surprised by a rose at the end of the episode.

Frank & Ty’s Castle Date

We give (sidetrack- what does WWT give out? Thumbs up has been done. Red Light/Green Light has been done. Stars are played out.) whatever the hell WWT gives out for a helicopter. I’ll say WWT gives 3 smiling Chris Harrison’s for the helicopter on the two-on-one in Lisbon.

Ali has a lot on her mind and two-on-ones this late in a season are very awkward which makes for good viewing. Ali eventually breaks it up and Ty defends his antediluvian views and hypes a potential visit to his parents and their traditional but friendly values.

Frank and Ali are significantly more affectionate during their alone time and Frank gets past the uncomfortable fact that he lives with his parents. Ali is pretty drunk at this point and doesn't care what Frank has to say. To test her, Frank unleashes the quote of the night: “let’s live in a tree like a couple of monkeys.” This sounds like a viable plan for someone living with their parents. Yes, I know this know dooms me to live with my parents in the near future.

Kirk’s Castle Date

Holy shit, Portugal is filled with Castles.



Kirk is confused by “Once Upon a Time“ on the date card. Landscaper has to explain the fairy tale reference as dumbfounded Kirk complains, “that’s not even a sentence.” Horse Drawn carriage, castle and dinner follow. Ali seems distance for the second date in a row and the Dugans openly contemplate a Brad Womack ending?

Chris L. in Very Easy Rider

The Landscaper is dangerously close to the friend zone and Ali is demanding some movement on their relationship. Chris L wrestles the quote of the night away from Frank as they head out on a scooter:

“you better hold on…because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing”

The scooter analogy for their relationship is hilarious and I wish I know Ali wasn’t fed the line from a producer. Ali takes over the wheel and they get to their date at a winery. Dugan’s cell phone blows up asking if the Bachelor/ette is sponsored by the Food & Wine Industry. There are copious amounts of alcohol consumed on this show. Perhaps ABC is one and the same as ABC Liquor. Ali asks if the landscaper’s crew are big wine drinkers? Yes, and that’s enough for me to believe a hometown is secured.

Rose Ceremony

No tie plus jeans as Chris L. continues the shout-outs to Casual Michael Phelps. Poor Roberto still cannot find the top button on his shirts. And the reduced budget has eliminated the swinging parties on the nights of elimination.

And the roses go to:

1. Chris L.
2. Frank
3. Roberto
4. Kirk

Ty goes home. (yes, we checked the tapes. 6/28’s previous episode spliced footage of Ty from one of the early episodes to make it seem like he gets further. Don’t underestimate the sneakiness)

Chris Harrison: Special Bachelor Update

For the faithful readers of the blog, you may recall that Dugan went great lengths to originally peg Jake during Jillian’s season as a Patrick Batemanesque character. There was just something that wasn’t right about this guy. Then he returns as the Bachelor and picks fundamentally flawed Vienna. Who would have guessed those two cute kids wouldn’t make it?

Oh, everyone? Really? Damn. Well, who would have guessed that Vienna would come out looking like a rose in comparison to Jake. Well, considering that I originally compared Jake to one of the most psychopathic characters ever created, I’ll raise my hand.

Vienna’s accusations have their own technical flaws: Claiming emotional abuse as well as no emotion from Jake. But let’s not go there. Let’s just show a clip from the movie role that Jake missed out on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzz4QtbTu6M

ABC has to regret this Jake decision. Or not.

I’ll leave you with this: Jake and Vienna’s arguments about GPS directions, measuring furniture and canine potty training are the lowest point in the history of broadcast television.

Congratulations on seeing the low point.

DOUBLE RECAP WEEK

Dear Fans of WWT,

Be sure to check out both recap posts of this week's episode. It was so good that we accidentally had Dugan and Smalz both write recaps. Be sure to read them both. Sorry for the mix-up. It was my fault.

Tim

Turkey Turmoil

Setting:  We begin this week’s blog in the living room of Dugan where he rests peacefully knowing that the Bachelorette is recording on the DVR. (text message beep) 8:08pm “First five minutes have been AWESOME” from Mrs. Dugan. (text message beep) 8:14pm “OMG!!!!!!! Can’t wait for the blog” from my boss.

Ok, Dugan’s phone is blowing up and we are yet 30 minutes into the episode?  Has ABC forgot that the dramatic arc of their episodes require the climax in the last 10 minutes?  What the hell is going on!

As you can tell from the beginning of the blog entry, Dugan watched the show alone as Mrs. D and Lil‘ Dugan are in Indiana. Watching with wife, friends, etc. is one thing. Watching alone and taking notes with your laptop to write a blog entry is quite another. Let’s not dwell and get to the big episode.

How do we know something bad is going to happen?  Ali begins the episode explaining how well things are going:  “I DON’T THINK ANYTHING COULD GO WRONG AT THIS POINT.” Ali, have you ever watched reality television?  Does it thrive on things going well? No, it’s about contrived drama.

Enter: Chris Harrison. It turns out former contestant Jessie alerted Chris Harrison using the Batchelorette Signal.

Harrison and Robin secured the accuracy of the information. Rated R has been acting odd for a reason. He has a serious girlfriend at home and the show is just an avenue for his entertainment wrestling career. Speaking of contrived drama, they have Ali speak to Rated R’s girlfriend Jessica about their two year relationship. Apparently Jessica was ok with the plan to deceive Ali and millions of fans until she found out Rated R was not only double timing her in public on TV, but also with another girl back home in Canada.

Ali wants to cut her losses and give Rated R the dreaded NC-17 rating and remove him from television. Our fearless caped crusader gives some motivation: “Be strong and let him have it.”  Ali confronts him in front of everyone else.

Rated R responds by running, grabbing only his passport and wallet.  The men stare out the window as Rated R leaves the back of the Overlook Hotel from The Shining. Ali forebodes, “You’re going to regret this.”  And he did as apparently the back of the hotel is a maze and traps poor Rated R. He eventually makes it out, comes up with some poor excuses and leaves the show.

Ty, Ali & the Magical Bathhouse

Ty gets the first one-on-one as Droopy Dog is starting to worry about his lack of one-on-one time. As Rated R exits stage left, Frank steps up to become the least likeable guy in the house. He doubts Ty and Ali’s connection but Ty and Ali have a pretty successful date, and by the looks of upcoming scenes for the season, Ty’s backrub secures a long run to the end.

The most interesting thing to come from this date was Ty’s honesty about the reason for his divorce. Ty gets points for honesty but not for his progressive stance on women in the workplace. He admitted he was really surprised that women work and even “are presidents of companies and CEOs.” I wonder what year it is in Ty’s head. But he tells Ali he’s a better person now and thinks its cute she has that Facebook job.

She buys it and gives him a rose.

Bachelorette Wrestlemania

The fact that this group date comes after the exit of Rated R is delicious irony. Golf clap, ABC. Droopy Dog reads the date card (Landscaper, Kirk, Roberto and himself) and realizes Frank is getting his second one-on-one before he has had alone time with Ali.

The final group date of the season begins wonderfully. With the Turkey version of DAS BOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

It’s a good idea ABC got these guys liquored up because they about to fight half naked Turkish men drenched in olive oil. These next five minutes make Top Gun look manly. There’s some one on one time on the line, but they’re gonna have to fight for it.

Kirk is scared: “THEY ARE OILED UP!” The Landscaper is not excited where this is going: “Men oiled up in black leather pants.” Droopy dog prefers a different fight : “I fight with words, generally.  That’s like…my job.”

The Turkish men wreck house and the bachelors are left to fight among themselves for some one-on-one time.  Droopy surprisingly wins and enjoys a late night cruise with Ali with some body language that seals Droopy Dog’s time on the show as short.  Droopy is working for hugs and Ali is complimenting him on being “so funny, so sweet.” We all know where this is heading for the Dog.

Frank, Ali and the Unwanted Carpet Sale

I don’t know what to say about this date other than Frank is really getting on my nerves.  I’ll cut it short because the blog has gone on too long at this point.

Positives: Ali’s belly dancing look. Frank having to buy a rug from Borat’s assistant.
Negatives: Frank gets a rose and is going far.

Rose Ceremony

Ali sees no need for cocktail party and the audience knows why. Let’s let the Kids in the Hall show you what happens.


Goodbye Droopy Dog.

Next week in Lisbon, Portugal with Ty, Frank, Roberto, Landscaper & Kirk. What are the odds Ali assumes Roberto speaks Portuguese?

MEGA-SUPER RE-CAP, AY

Chris Harrison put his “breaker of bad news hat” on to kick off the show and says to Ali “I’ve been made aware of a situation” BACHELOR/ETTE TRANSLATION: MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER. While Ali checks her pulse our boy Harrison seems to be enjoying himself immensely as he calls Jesse from Jake’s season who hands the phone over to… her little sister? Hiedi Fliess’s daughter? I dunno, but who ever this chick is she claims to be future-Mrs-Rated-R who was supposedly sold on the idea that her boyfriend going on the show would be the big break for Rated-R’s wrestling career. Apparently, she didn’t see where Wes Hayden is playing his next gig:

Tickets are still available for the July 1st
show at The Lucky Mule in Abiline, Texas

It was really really hard for Jessica to talk aboot how Rated-R was “there for the wrong reasons” and she was genuinely sowery being the drama creator, but she had no choice because she found ooot Rated-R had yet another girl on the side.

Once Ali confronts Justin, he makes no attempt to defend himself and just claims “I’m ooot.” And he was serious. He ditched all his clothes, grabbed his passport and left. I find it hard to believe that the he had his passport. Most hotels in that part of the world hold on to your passport till you pay and if they didn’t I would think Chaperon Harrison would hang on to them. But who knows, Turkey is a pretty messed up country.

Justin seems to walk in circles, in bushes, even tried to go into a restaurant and even they didn’t want any of his business. When we come back from a commercial break, Rated-R comes back to ‘talk it out’ with Ali. My theory is that they either had Justin’s passport or they said he would have to pay for his own way back unless he had an exit conversation with Ali. And thank your God he did because he goes all SUPER CANADIAN… words can't even describe sooo… here you go:


The last we see of Justin/Rated-R he is walking away as an audio compilation of his voicemails left to Jessica were dubbed over him gimping around looking for a cab. He obviously learned nothing from the Tiger Woods saga and left voicemails to a now estranged girl friend. Its too bad they didn’t also have his vms or sexts to his other girls.

Ty gets the first date, they go into a Turkish spa. No fat men in towels?? Most boring one-on-one ever. I want more Rated-R talk. Ty get a rose.

The group date consisted of Droopy Dog, Roberto and Chris L olive oil wrestling professional turks. Kirk L is shivering and not looking like he’s having any fun. Droopy Dog is pumped to get a chance at wraslting for his first extended one-on-one time with Ali and while his first obstacle, Chris L is bigger, Droops goes in high allowing for Chris to come in low and get the first control hold. Droopy summons all the strength of his flab and pulls a reversal and pins Chris L for a spot in the finals. The same things happens to Kirk. He’s given a gift of the smaller guy staying upright and can’t capitalize… All these guys need learn how to wrap up an aggressor properly

The show down between Droppy Dog and Roberto goes the distance and BigD proves the age old saying that "heart and motivation can go up against someone who is actually in shape and give them a competitive oil wrestling match." Even though Roberto, as Droopy says, “picked me up and slammed my head into the ground” (the Turkish wrestling trick known as ‘gerdanlama’ according to Turkishoilwrestling.net) Droopy pulls out a lucky victory by getting both of Roberto’s elbows on the ground simultaneously before Droops shoulders and head slam into the group for a second time. Instant replay shows that Roberto may have had one elbow off the ground - you decide:

Nonetheless, Droopy gets his well fought for 1-on-1 time and is currently the frontrunner for cuddling most awkwardly with Ali. He also seems to have a swollen face from when Roberto dropped him. Or he got a sun burn in the rain. Either way - not hot. He tells Ali she is beautiful “inside and out” almost a Casey-amount of times. No kissing to be seen but he is stoked about his alone time.

Next, Frank has a frank-tastic 1-on-1 and proves he cannot manage his future family’s finances and gets conned into buying a rug he doesn’t want. He gets a rose at dinner.

In the latest twist, Ali is lagging and making all the guys but Ty and Frank (already rosed-up) nervous. Ali has indeed already made up her mind. Chris L. has worn sneakers to this and the casual kid has had a history of getting sent home. But I also can’t help but think that Ali might play the friend card and send our boy Droopy home. (Side note: would two people have gone home if Rated-R had stuck around?)

Rose Ceremony Re-Cap
Roberto gets the first rose – no surprise there.
Chris L and his sneeks get the second rose. Now its quite the toss up between Kirk and DroopyDog. Ali alluding to all her relationships moving forward except for one, this seems like it would be bad news for Kirk as he didn’t have a lot of one-on-one time this episode. But, Ali is so confident in her decision that she didn’t even want to have a cocktail party, you would think she would have wanted to talk to Kirk one more time if it was him. I think this is the end for Droopster.

Chris Harrison… “This is the final rose, Gentlemen. Ali, when you’re ready”

Hit Play on the DVR…

Dramatic Music....

Ali stares at the floor…

Kirk… Boom!

Here's some of the footage cut out from the end of Ali and Craig's one-on-one time. I guess he couldn't tell he was in the friend zone.

Chris Harrison's Tweet from 3 hours ago...

"If you miss the 1st part of the Bachelorette tonight, you'll have no idea what the world is talking about tomorrow. Yes, the world!" @chrisbharrison

I can't wait to see the show tonight.

Here's my wishlist for what Chris is talking about:

1) Krazey Kasey is coming back...and getting a rose.
2) Someone insults Ali's deceased grandmother.
3) Ali withdraws from the competition and recently-single Vienna steps in.
4) Frank admits that he is actually gay (this may actually happen).
5) Rated R gets kicked off for fighting, but Ali forces the producers to let him stay.
6) Wes comes back and sings "Love Don't Come Easy."
7) Chris Harrison admits that he has been having an affair with Ali or Rozlyn.
8) Kasey comes back (Did I already mention that?)

The Bachelor Pad's All Star Lineup

If you did not know, the Bachelor/ette has a spinoff arriving this August: The Bachelor Pad. If the run down of Bachelor/ettes from previous seasons doesn't excite you, you should no longer read or follow this blog.

We have Tenley, Gia and Crazy Eyes back!  We have Weatherman, Canadian Craig and Casual Michael Phelps back! We'll have favorites Juan and David back!  Even "Love Don't Come Easy" Wes is on board.

Epic.

The Bachelorette Tries to "Be Normal"

Iceland

The show started off this week in surprisingly-charming Iceland. I should know this by now though since Iceland is the pretty one and Greenland is the ugly one, right? A little geographical play on words. Iceland also lends itself to corny quotes:

"No one dreams of going to Iceland to find love."
"We're going to get Iceland-ed up."
"Iceland is the perfect place to show her my tattoo."

This was also the time in Iceland of the volcano eruption. Ali says it's an exciting time to be in Iceland. Thank you Captain Obvious.

Poetry - Root Beer Eyes and Caviar Dreams

The first solo date with Ali goes to the Bachelor who writes and performs the best poem. The highlight of the poetry reading was seeing the Riddler speak! Once again, we ask, "who is this guy?" Seems to be lots of love poem experience in this group. Attempting to hear Kasey read his poem makes me realize that I never want Kasey to leave my life. He's needs his own drama on Lifetime. I'd tune in.

Kirk narrowly wins the poetry challenge over Frank by slowly walking towards Ali while commenting on her "rich root beer eyes."


Solo Date #1: Kirk

The date kicks off by a trip to a clothing store. Turns out that Icelandic clothing stores are the best place to go for ugly sweater parties.

The theme of this date is that Kirk has a secret. Ali knows it. ABC tried to throw us off the trail by noting that he can't say a bad thing about any of his ex's. I was convinced that Kirk was going to tell her he was on the no-fly list for airlines. Sadly, Kirk had been sick from mold, asbestos, and fungus in his college house. How does this not happen more often? My Dad's college house at Notre Dame was condemned. No one lives in Dugan and my old college house (pictured below in all it's glory). This reveal seemed a little too serious for a Bachelorette theme. On the other hand, at least it wasn't a previous divorce. Needless to say, Kirk got a rose. He's a front-runner now.


713 Notre Dame Ave - Where Dugan once had a snowdrift in his bedroom. No joke.

Group Date

Horse ride. Cave repelling. Volcano surfing. If Liz told me we were going on this exact date, I would likely ask to stay at the lodge together. Hey! I know what you're thinking. I'm not a sissy. I camp (in beach houses).

Later in the date, the group did some romantic hot-tubbing in some natural springs. This sounds more fun than the outdoor date, but going on this type of date with four other dudes is just too much. Frank seemed to agree with me because he "knows that he has something special with her" and needs to be with her.

After Frank and Ali had a heart-to-heart, the camera cut to the Riddler. Shocking! It would have been so great if she had given the rose to the Riddler. Alas, horse wrangler Ty lassoed Ali's heart and got the rose.

Double Date to the Death: Rated R vs. Kasey the Tattoo!

Before the date started, I predicted that Ali would give neither of these guys a rose. They are both really weird guys.

The date started off with the third helicopter ride of the season by my calculation. The date got them up close and personal with the volcano that cost Europe an estimated $200 million per day (fun fact of the blog). After checking out the lava, they went to have a picnic in a cave. It looked as equally uncomfortable as having a picnic on top of a commercial building rooftop.

Ali gets some sweet alone time with Kasey. This was his chance to prove his "genuine heart" and show off his tattoo. As expected, Ali looked positively freaked out. I don't think she should be though because Kasey is there to guard and protect her heart.

After a hike through the -30 degree ice cavern, Ali ruins my prediction and sends Kasey home. ABC does it again and leaves Kasey behind in the ice cavern with his fuzzy hat while Rated R snaps into a slim jim and takes off in the helicopter with Ali.



Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Great moment #1: Droopy Dog makes fun of Kasey's tattoo. Liz says, "too soon."
Great moment #2: The Riddler informs Ali that his guilty pleasure is...wait for it...wait for it...MEXICAN FOOD. He should have gone with lasagna. Would have been a more solid answer.
Great moment #3: Chris L. will collect garbage in San Francisco if it will get Ali.


Speaking of guys named Chris, our favorite, Chris Harrison confronted Ali by telling her she's afraid to fall in love. Ali said she's afraid of someone breaking her heart. It's called karma. And it's for what she did to Jake!

In the least shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, the Riddler is sent packing. I'm sad that we'll never get to know what kind of Mexican food is his guilty pleasure. I heard he loved, "yo momma" jokes, but we just never got to hear enough of them. I wonder what his first CD was. I guess some questions are better left unanswered.

Hey Turkeys, see you next week!